Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That's be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eye open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but...... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but, I thought and thought about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Aw, come on, St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second......"
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter, "I see where you're going with it. I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replies, "Andy."
When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy, Forrest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me........"
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
And to think that people sometimes think that prison ministry is just a bunch of guys not doing anything constructive, this comes from the desk of the Administrator of The Glory Bound Express. Talk about civic minded!
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
The young couples found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer and said to the surprised young man, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. People describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice constantly interrupted their conversation. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared a batch of bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.