He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?" a cabinet member asked.
"About a million and a half," said Lincoln.
"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was considerably less."
"So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals lose a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to one - and we have about 500,000 men."
"Caution, homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood. Daughter will be learning how to drive. Use caution after leaving garage or porch. Farmers advised to place hay bales around barns, farm equipment and slow-moving livestock. She will be driving white sedan with frightened father aboard."
The man, painfully aware of his lack of a fishing license answered, "No sir. Just drowning worms."
General Grant was moving south of Atlanta just past Stone Mountain. Suddenly a long rebel soldier appeared screaming derogatory remarks at General Grants soldiers. General Grant sent his best Yankee soldier to the top of the mountain. The soldier lay dead add Grants feet in less than a minute.
General Grant their upon sent his best squad of Philadelphia regulars to the top of mountain. In less than three minutes all fifteen lay dead.
General Grant then ordered his sergeant major to take a company of his best New York malitia and kill that rebel. Fifteen minutes later all the soldiers were dead and the sergeant major was dying at General Grants feet.
Grant screamed at the sergeant major demanding to know why. The sergeant major answered its a trap sir. There are two of them.
We love you anyway.