Who is that in the mirror?

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror---wearing nothing but a camera!
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." - Vince Lombardi
"Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them." - Shawn Alexander

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." - An unidentified sign
Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war situation with his cabinet.
"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?" a cabinet member asked.
"About a million and a half," said Lincoln.
"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was considerably less."
"So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals lose a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to one - and we have about 500,000 men."
Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the Stanwood/ Camano, Washington, News:
"Caution, homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood. Daughter will be learning how to drive. Use caution after leaving garage or porch. Farmers advised to place hay bales around barns, farm equipment and slow-moving livestock. She will be driving white sedan with frightened father aboard."
A game warden pulls his motorboat up along side a man sitting quietly with a pole in his hand. "Doing a little fishing, are we?"
The man, painfully aware of his lack of a fishing license answered, "No sir. Just drowning worms."
This next one is one my favorites.
General Grant was moving south of Atlanta just past Stone Mountain. Suddenly a long rebel soldier appeared screaming derogatory remarks at General Grants soldiers. General Grant sent his best Yankee soldier to the top of the mountain. The soldier lay dead add Grants feet in less than a minute.
General Grant their upon sent his best squad of Philadelphia regulars to the top of mountain. In less than three minutes all fifteen lay dead.
General Grant then ordered his sergeant major to take a company of his best New York malitia and kill that rebel. Fifteen minutes later all the soldiers were dead and the sergeant major was dying at General Grants feet.
Grant screamed at the sergeant major demanding to know why. The sergeant major answered its a trap sir. There are two of them.
For those of you not from the south I refuse to apologize.

We love you anyway.
Bill Taylor