A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was taken by the whole procedure of pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and whispered, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques.

Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it."

"But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward."

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

One day, shortly after the birth of their first baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After a brief examination the doctor undid the diaper and found that it was quite full.

"Here's the problem," he said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "Impossible, the diaper package says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

[English is a tricky language. Especially when you're using it in a translation. Following are a few English signs that have been observed in public places around the world. I think they illustrate the point quite elegantly....]

"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice." -In a Tokyo Hotel

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby

"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator

"Please leave your values at the front desk." -In a Paris Hotel Elevator

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -In a Yugoslavian Hotel

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -In a Japanese Hotel

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant

"Special today---no ice cream." -In a Swiss mountain inn

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor." -From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

Chuck Swindol is one of my favorite preachers. The following two stories are stolen by me from him.

I hope that I die like my grandfather did, quietly and peacefully in my sleep and not kicking and screaming like those other guys in his car.

I believe that I heard Chuck say this one is true.

The small white haired lady left the grocery store in southern California with her bag of groceries. On arriving at her car she found four men in her car. She set the bag and her purse down and pulled out her pistol. Holding the gun in both hands and squatting slightly she screamed, "Out of the car. I have a gun, I know how to use it and I will."

The four men exited the car and ran off. She placed her groceries into the back of the car and sat behind the steering wheel. The only problem was that her key didn't fit the ignition.

Five cars further down was her car. She changed everything into her car and she drove to the Police Station. All the while she was telling the sergeant what had happened he was in tears.

Finally she asked him why and he pointed to the other end of the counter to the four men explaining how they had been car jacked by this wild-eyed old woman.

I hope you laughed as hard as I did.
Bill Taylor