Time To Feel Better

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

Leaving a plush nightclub one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By-the-way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, Sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,
... Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube. The man says,
... Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.
... Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.
... I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.
... Well, then, we need a urine sample.
... I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.
... All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.
... I can't do that, officer.
... Why not?
... Because I'm drunk.
"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please. (Pause) "I'm sorry, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's the Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, *Sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."
A mom in Virginia was talking with her four year old son. He asked her why all their relatives from Wisconsin "talk funny" and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They have a different accent," she explained. "Everybody talks in different ways. To them, we sound like we talk very slow, and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "You mean they hear funny, too?"


1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
11. Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away!
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
15. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Second-grader's advice to his kindergarten brother:
"They work on you until they get you to spell 'cat.' Then you're trapped. The words get harder and harder."

"A Glass Of Milk"

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to Pay his way through school, found he had only one dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."

He said, "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Year's later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation.

When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He did his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, and then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words: PAID IN FULL WITH ONE GLASS OF MILK.
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly