My mother taught me about the FOOD GROUPS - "If you put one foot outside that door, you're not getting any home-made bread."
My mother taught me CONTORTIONS - "Have you seen the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me to STAND FIRM - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "Looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "What if I yelled because I saw a meteor coming down toward you; would you jump then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR PROGRAMMING - "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children who don't have have parents like you!"
This delightful piece from my niece, Anna
THIS IS REALLY GREAT!
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX (poor woman)
Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials\ show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do
not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
James Sampson sends in this one.
Dividing The Pecans:
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
He thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my", he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick", said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard.
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see for ourselves."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me."
"That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They said the old guy made it back to town a full 5 minutes before the young boy.
This next item I've liberated from Dr. Normans Normality Newsletter.
I suggest you look at his quality writing and thoughts from down under. You'll find the letter at egroups and I believe you can contact him at Normalityfirstname.lastname@example.org.
I WAS THINKING!!
>From Dr. Campbell's prayer room.
What God expects from a Christian.
The important thing is not what your minister or your brother or sister expects from you but what does God expect from you according to His Word.
He expects you to GROW
2 Thess 1.3
He expects you to GO
He expects you to GLOW Luke 8.16
He expects you to SHOW Psalm 92.12
He expects you to KNOW
.2 Cor. 5.1
He expects you to SOW
.Mark 4.1-20, Luke 6.38
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