Xena looked through the bag Twanky had given her and chose the most modest dancing girl outfit she could find. Even though parts of the garb were more concealing than her leathers, others were not, and the Warrior Princess felt oddly exposed. "Okay, you can turn around now, Iolaus. What do you think?"
Iolaus took a deep breath and hesitated before turning around. This whole "mission" made him strangely uncomfortable. "Hmm, Iolaus...you're in a Pleasure Palace with people who would rather slit your throat than look at you. You're surrounded by exotic, beautiful women, more than a dozen have offered a little something on the house; a young girl is about to be taken away into some sick slavery, and Xena, the Warrior Princess, of whom you have had intimate knowledge, has been completely nude behind you...not to mention she's probably in a very alluring outfit. What's there to make you uncomfortable?" he thought with a snort.
"Anything you'd like to share with the group?" asked Xena with a certain danger in her voice.
"Nope," he said as he slowly turned to look at her. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he stared at her face. She had a sapphire headpiece with a transparent blue veil concealing all but her eyes. The color of her veil made her eyes seem a shocking blue. Iolaus felt his mouth go dry, and he was more than a little afraid of looking at the rest of the outfit.
"Well?" she asked sadistically. She knew perfectly well what effect she was having on the Golden Hunter. Served him right for running around Greece with his chest hanging out and making women run around with their tongues hanging out. "Whoa!" she said to herself, "Where in Tartarus did that come from?"
He let his eyes drift slowly down to take in the whole look. The bodice was impossibly tight and showed her figure perfectly. "Um...what happened to the ...the ...straps? And I thought Twanky said this was a modest outfit. Zeus! Xena you're hanging out all over the place. Do you think you could show anymore leg?!"
Xena laughed. "Iolaus, really except for the straps, this isn't anymore revealing than my normal clothing. I admit the skirt part is a little see-through..."
"A little! I can almost see that little mole on your.."
"Iolaus! You cannot! Besides, I think you're relying too much on past memories to see that. Okay, this was the most concealing one Twanky had, and for the task at hand, Iolaus, you have to admit it's perfect," she said in exasperation.
"I'm sorry, Xena. I just hate the thought of those goons thinking about you THAT way. And if Thyducean gets his ugly paws on you...I'm afraid I'll have to rip them off right then and there. You really don't realize what kind of danger you're putting yourself in. You don't know that sadistic creep like I do. Even as a kid, he was sicker than most in the gang," muttered Iolaus as he turned and approached the window. He sat down and sighed.
Xena felt a respect and affection for the man who was so concerned with her safety. "Iolaus, I appreciate your concern. The fact that you willingly went along with this charade speaks volumes about your true heart, your respect for women, your desire to protect the innocent. But you of all people know I am NOT innocent. I'll take my chances, and Iolaus, don't make the mistake those patrons will tonight. I may look harmless yet it wouldn't take long for me to outright kill those idiots."
"Xena," he said with a slight chuckle, "okay. You can take care of yourself. Just make sure you do; after all I've been through lately, I don't think I could handle being responsible if anything happened to you. Oh, and by the way...you do NOT look harmless. You look...hooha!"
Xena grinned an gave him a quick hug, "Now, that's the Iolaus I've come to know and lo..admire. Come on, Sweetcheeks, grab your lute and let's put on a show."
Iolaus rolled his eyes, "Okay, here's the bargain, you won't call me Sweetcheeks, and I won't call you Katiana, the undulating, shimmy-shaking, bare Warrior Babe."
She cleared her throat and said, "Deal!"
Iolaus strode out of the room with as much swagger as he could muster again, swinging his lute along the way. As Xena dutifully walked 5 paces behind him, the guards leered and made a few comments that reached only her ears. "Pigs!" she thought as she fought her own nausea down. As they made it down the stairs, Thyducean motioned for them to join him and three other people.
Iolaus nodded and headed for the table. "Well, Thyducean, are you ready for the most memorable night of your life?"
Thyducean laughed as he took Xena's hand and kissed lightly. Iolaus was sure that Xena would want to wash that hand over and over again once this was all over. She smiled coldly to the outlaw then glanced over at Iolaus with a nod. "Well, Iolaus, take a look around. The place hasn't been this packed since the entire Thracean army was on leave. I'm bound to make a fortune if she's half as entertaining as you say. So, when's the performance?"
Iolaus smiled in return, "Well, glad to see we're an asset for you. But, Thyducean, don't be rude, introduce your other friends here. Have you come to see Katiana offer her steamy, hot, pleasures of the night?" Iolaus saw the lust in their eyes and saw Xena play to their desires. She took a berry from the table, parted her veil, and balanced the fruit on her tongue before curling it into her mouth. She smiled wantonly at the men, and all Iolaus could think was, "Boy, are you idiots in for a surprise!"
Thyducean looked at the two and they shrugged, "Well, this guy here is Kuurach and Tyronach. They're from up north somewhere. I'm delivering a...package to them tonight. They were just going to pick it up and leave, but when I described your...wench here, they couldn't help but stay. I must say, Katiana, that is a lovely outfit!" The criminal could barely contain himself once he saw those dark thick eyelashes flutter.
"I want the dance now, Iolaus," he demanded
Iolaus looked at Xena and raised his eyebrows, and she nodded so slightly that only Iolaus knew it was time to put their plan in action. Iolaus stood, picked up his lute, and walked to the center of the room. He cleared his throat and began, "The legend is told of a dance so beautiful, so sensual, so breathtaking that its very existence is shrouded in mystery." He looked all around the room and noted that the patrons were instinctively pushing back the tables and chairs to increase the performance area. Iolaus continued in a soft sultry tenor voice. The other women of the house stopped their flirting and honed in on his voice. They all sighed as he continued. "It's said that it was a gift from one of the gods. This dance was performed by Aphrodite as a reward to a mortal for eternal devotion. I know...I was that mortal. She so inspired me that day that I was determined to share that beautiful dance with others. My slave here had always been graceful, so I instructed her on the steps of the dance. Now, one might think the great goddess would be jealous that a mere mortal would attempt to perform her dance. In fact, friends, she appeared to me one hot summer's night and whispered her breathy approval in my ear. The gift dance was for me alone, but she taught Katiana a variation of the dance supplied by another joyful god, Dionysus. And so, I present to you, Katiana and the dance of a thousand hot summers."
The guests were on the edge of their seats as the dancing girl sat curled on the floor. As Iolaus began the music with one repeated note, it took on the characteristic of a heartbeat. Xena slowly unwound her self from her seated position beginning with a hand. The fluid movement was snake-like, undulating, winding, curving upward. Finally when the heart was beating wildly on the lute, Iolaus stopped, and Xena snapped her head back arching the rest of her body toward the ceiling. As Iolaus continued, a seductive melody permeated the very quiet room, and the men in the audience loosened any collar they happened to be wearing. She dropped her arm and rose from this almost lying position supported only by her powerful legs. She swayed on her way up to the pulse quickening song, rolling her head back.
Iolaus had a hard time watching her as he played the music. "I need to concentrate on the surroundings here to save Clarissa; so, Iolaus, take a deep breath and pay attention," he told himself. Thyducean was leaning forward on the table, and Iolaus almost knocked the slack jawed man's mouth shut. He could see that the criminal and his guests were so completely absorbed in what Xena was doing with the first veil, that they were completely oblivious to something else. "Now would be a good time, 'Dite," he pleaded with the goddess of love.
Aphrodite stopped abruptly in the road causing Hercules and Gabrielle to run into each other. "Sis, a little advanced notice would be good," muttered Herc as he picked himself and Gabrielle off the ground. "Wait! I've seen that blank look before.."
Gabrielle murmured, "Now that's an understatement."
"No! Something's going on? Dite what is it? Is Iolaus in trouble? Xena? Clarissa?" he asked frantically as he was circling the goddess in the throes of some kind of trance.
Dite blinked and shook out her golden curls. "Looks like you guys are on your own. I've gotta go to Clarissa. Things are about to start poppin' at the Pleasure Palace." She put her hands on her hips and was about to disappear when Hercules grabbed her.
"Oh no you don't! You don't drop that kind of statement without explaining. First, what kind of poppin' are we talking about? Second, is everyone still okay? Third, how far are we from Thrace? And Finally can't you supply us with a couple of horses to get there quicker?" he asked intently.
"Okay, I really don't have time for this, but first, a fight; second, yeah for now; third, less than half a day's journey by foot. Lots shorter by horse, but not short enough to get there before the action starts, and fourth, okay, this is really Poseidon's gig, but here ya go," she giggled as she waved two beautiful white horses into existence. They stamped the ground anxiously, and Dite turned back to the demigod, "Well come on, Big Guy, their rearing to go. I've gotta split now." And Dite disappeared in a shower of pink sparks.
"Oh, I dunno, Hercules. See, I've never been much of an equestrian. Horses don't like me, and truth be known, I'm a little scared of them."
Suddenly Dite reappeared and said, "Oh yeah, about these horses...see, they're a bit enchanted, and well... here." She whistled sharply much to Herc's chagrin, but as she did, the two white horses unfurled wings that had been neatly hidden to human eyes. "Just make sure you hang on. Helios will be really ticked if his horses don't come back in one piece."
"Oh no...no, Dite. I can't ride one of those. I'm terrified of horses, and I get nosebleeds at high altitudes. To top it all off, see, there's this thing about heights," stammered Gabrielle.
Aphrodite rolled her eyes and muttered, "I REALLY don't have time for this. Okay, your horse has gone home." One of the horses disappeared while the other stood still. "You can ride with Herc. Can't she?"
Dite disappeared again, and Hercules dragged a kicking and screaming Gabrielle up on his horse. "Oh please, Gabrielle, you've ridden Argo before. We can't waste anymore time. Iolaus and Xena need our help, not to mention that young Amazon maiden. As a queen, you're sworn to protect the young. This is your chance and responsibility. Come on, Gabrielle, I know you can put your fears behind you," Hercules said somewhat more tenderly.
Gabrielle sighed closed her eyes in front of the huge steed and said, "Gimme a boost."In no time they were speeding through the air toward Thrace.
Aphrodite popped into Clarissa's room to find no trace of the girl. "All right you creeps, where is she?" she whispered. Suddenly she heard something like whimpering coming from a large trunk in the corner of the room. Dite rushed over and tried to open the trunk. She cursed profusely when she broke one of her perfect pink fingernails on the trunk. "Oooo, you creeps are REALLY gonna pay for this!" She concentrated on the trunk's lock and it shattered. Lifting up the lid, the goddess was appalled to see the young girl curled up in the trunk trussed up like a lamb going to slaughter. She quickly vanished the ropes, and Clarissa bound out of the trunk and threw her arms around her rescuer.
"Thank you, Great Lady. Thank you," she sobbed.
Dite felt a knot in her throat and tears gathering in her eyes. "Okay, sweetie. I can't have a red nose from all this. You're okay, aren't you. I mean, did any of those men touch you?" she asked nervously pulling back and looking at her in the eyes. Relief washed over her as the young girl shook her head. "All right now, we're going to get out of here, okay?" Aphrodite heard the sensual music being played downstairs and was extremely curious. She knew they had to go that way and giggled lightly at the prospect of having something to hold over the heads of her Sweetcheeks and that Warrior Babe. "Okay, here's for a quick costume change, Clarissa. Remember this is only temporary..so no panicking on me. 'Kay?"
Clarissa nodded as suddenly she was changed into an awkward, gangly, pimple-faced boy. "Aphrodite, what's oh my gosh you even changed...," she squeaked.
"Hey, remember, don't freak. It's only temporary...and yeah, you are, anatomically correct. Sorry, kiddo, it's the only way I know how to deal with this. Great disguise though; overall, I'd say you're pretty pathetic. Come on, let's get out of here," the goddess of love said with a wink. It was hard not to giggle as the "boy" tried to walk out of the room without stumbling on the way.
Dite distracted the two guards by popping in front of them. They stared blankly at her, squinting their eyes. She was indisputably the most enticing woman they'd ever seen. However, Thyducean promised they would never have need of another woman as long as they lived if they moved from their guard. She stamped her foot and pouted, but a twinkle re-emerged in her eyes as a sly smile developed. She batted her eyes and touched them on the shoulder. They were filled with such ecstasy, their eyes rolled up in their heads and passed out. "I forgot about that little trick. Come on Sweety, fill their minds with javelin throwing, and you can get away with anything. I swear...what is it with men and sports?" she said to no one in particular.
They snuck down the stairs very quietly. But with what Xena was doing, they could have ridden a pair of elephants wearing bells down, and no one would have noticed. Dite stopped though to listen to the sweet music Iolaus was playing and whispered, "Gotta have him teach one of my priests that. Great mood music, don't cha think? Oh never mind, you're a kid." She grabbed her by the collar and headed to the base of the stairs.
Xena, in the meantime was down to her last veil, and the room was dead silent except for the tune throbbing through their veins. She twirled and swayed her hips as she moved toward Thyducean. Iolaus held his breath as the proprietor moved away from the table. He dragged his chair forward and was now inviting the dancing girl to sit on his lap. Iolaus' blood was boiling at the pervert as Thyducean made several suggestive comments as she danced closer. Her single blue veil swirled above her head as she arched backwards again. She almost touched the back of her head to the floor, then slowly raised up, probably revealing more of herself than she originally planned. Iolaus tore his eyes from the seduction going on to check out the room again. He smiled and nodded when he saw Dite with her new "charge". The goddess gave the thumbs up sign, and he started playing at a quickened pace. Taking her cue from the music, Xena raised back up and then leaned slightly forward in a shimmying motion. She began teasing Thyducean mercilessly. Keeping all eyes on her and her movements, Xena began circling the creep. She draped the veil along his shoulder and pulled with the rhythm of her swaying hips.
Iolaus took one more glance around the room and was horrified to see the smug look on Shamiaus' face. He wasn't watching Xena; he was watching Iolaus with narrowed eyes. Suddenly Shamiaus cried out, "Boss, that's Xena, not Katiana!" Thyducean jerked forward and reached for her. All pandemonium broke loose. The "guests" bolted from their chairs and headed upstairs for their goods. Dite held out her foot and tripped them so that their noses hit the edge of the stairs. Bloody and unconscious, the pair slid down the floor.
Iolaus took his lute and smashed Shamiaus in the face with it. It splintered and shattered against the brute's face, and Iolaus was momentarily stunned to see that it didn't have the effect he had anticipated. Shamiaus simply wiped the blood off with the back of his hand and sneered as he moved toward Iolaus. Iolaus backed up and yelled, "Get her out of here!" Shamiaus twisted around to see whom Iolaus was shouting at, and in doing so, he missed Iolaus picking up a flask of wine. Iolaus cracked it across the back of his head which finally made some kind of impact as the crook stumbled forward. Unfortunately, this didn't render him unconscious, only meaner than he was before like a wounded bear. He grabbed Iolaus by the ribs and proceeded to squeeze until Iolaus felt all air restricted, and he was positive he'd heard a rib or two crack. Finally, Iolaus slammed his forehead into the bridge of Shamiaus' nose. Shamiaus roared and dropped Iolaus. The hunter tried to roll out of the way, but was stopped by the table leg, effectively pinning him down as an easy target for the rage-filled monster.
Xena whirled around and took out two of the guards who came immediately to Thyducean's rescue. More and more of the patrons were fleeing the melee, leaving Xena distracted and open for attack. She yelled in surprise as one of the goons grabbed her from behind and held her arms back. Thyducean finally felt secure to move and walked over to do some major damage. He never saw two of his "working women" slide up behind the goon. Their spiked shoes proved to be ample weaponry against the giant thug. They planted their feet just behind his knees, and he went down screaming like a little girl. Once released, Xena was on the attack. She continued working her way through his establishment to advance on Thyducean. Finally she reached out and grabbed the veil still draped across his shoulder. Spinning around, she jumped on a table behind him and twisted the blue transparent, but strong, material around his neck. He was choking and sputtering as she twisted further. "Tell 'em to back off Thyducean," she sneered dangerously in his ear.
Shamiaus left a battered, barely conscious Iolaus on the floor and began edging around to get behind Xena. He inched around closer in order to get a clear shot. He raised his knife and aimed at Xena's back. She would have normally sensed the danger, but that old battle fury had crept in, and she did not realize her doom was at hand. Dite blew a kiss toward Iolaus as they reached the doorway, and his eyes flew open. He still hurt like crazy, but he now had a clear mind, along with another sensation he thought was very odd to have in the middle of a battle. He rolled slowly to his feet, grabbed his shattered lute, and saw what Shamiaus had in mind.
Iolaus yelled, "Xena...DUCK!" as he threw the spear-like neck of the lute at Shamiaus. The makeshift spear impaled the thug, and he looked stunned as the instrument stuck out of his chest. "I hate the lute; drums are better," Shamiaus said as he slumped to the floor. Iolaus pulled a dagger from one of the unconscious guards and strode over to Thyducean.
"Okay, 'buddy', this is how we're gonna do this. Call everybody off now, and I won't gut you," he gasped painfully.
Thyducean was still choking as Xena tightened the veil, but he managed to spit on Iolaus. Iolaus tried to not throw up, and allowed his eyes to grow dangerously cold. "Okay, Xena, looks like he'd rather die. Well, let's say we let him live," he stopped as he wiped the spittle off his vest with the edge of his knife. He took the knife and held it considerably lower and whispered, "as a eunuch."
"Ever..Ev.." stuttered the boss until Xena loosened the veil a bit. "Everybody....ba...back off. Drop your weapons." All of the men obeyed him and ran out the door just as Hercules and Gabrielle had dismounted.
The duo ran into the Pleasure Palace to see an absolute wreck and Xena and Iolaus threatening a seedy looking character. "I thought you could use some help," murmured Hercules. "I guess I was wrong." Just then, Iolaus collapsed to the ground. Worried for her partner Xena jumped from the table and dropped to the floor. Thyducean took off for the door only to have Gabrielle take a broken table leg and smash it across his face like she would a staff. He fell instantly.
"Buddy, don't ever mess with someone who's airsick AND saddle sore," she growled at the unconscious man. She joined Hercules and Xena at Iolaus' side.
"I swore to myself I'd never put him in danger again. Look at me...the first test comes, and I fail," Hercules cursed himself. He remembered Dite's tirade about trust and sighed, "I'm sorry. You two did a great thing, I just get a little irrational when I see daggers lying about."
Iolaus regained consciousness to look up at the three people hovering and smiled weakly. "Hey, it's not that bad really. Just hurts a little when I breathe. Had worse places on my eyeball and never blinked," he said trying to force a smile. "Hey, Herc...I think I need to find a place where I can just be."
"Be what?" asked Gabrielle.
"Don't ask!" growled Hercules.
"Listen, Iolaus. Is he always this grumpy?" the bard asked teasingly.
"Just wait until I've had a few days of trying to do exactly what the healer tells me to do. I have no idea why he gets this way," gasped the hunter with a slightly painful giggle.
"Okay, you stay here with Sweetcheeks while Gabrielle and I go fetch the constable and a healer," smiled Xena.
"Tell Warrior Babe to be careful out there; some of those goons are probably still hanging around," he laughed weakly. Hercules and Gabrielle looked completely confused at their pet names and sighed as they both laughed.
"You two have a lot of explaining to do," muttered Hercules. He almost didn't catch the slight wink thrown Iolaus' way by Xena. Before the demigod knew it, they were surrounded by the lovely ladies of the establishment all wanting to know if there was anything they could do for the poor injured man.
Xena shook her head as they left the building. She could hear Iolaus saying, "I'll be...okay, as long as I have someone to hold my hand. Oh yeah, it is much better if you can just hold me."
Iolaus had driven Hercules to complete distraction with the total disregard of the healer's orders. Finally, the healer returned for Hercules' benefit more than Iolaus. "Well, Iolaus, I think it's safe for you to go back on the road as long as you follow a few of my orders," the physician stated. He was a bit confused to hear the demigod whimper at those words. "First of all, no fighting."
"Okay, got that," nodded Iolaus.
"And no acrobatics until those ribs are completely healed," ordered the physician.
"No problem there," he said with a straight face.
"No battling monsters," he continued.
"Of course not," Iolaus reassured him
."And though it's not life threatening, it's probably a good idea to not be...intimate for at least another week," he said with a sigh of relief.
"Uh...wouldn't dream of it. Wait! Dreaming's okay?" He asked with a giggle.
The physician nodded and turned to a weeping demigod. "I don't know what you're talking about. He's not stubborn one bit. You, on the other hand. You're a mess. Iolaus, I suggest you get your friend some place where he can relax." The demigod proceeded to laugh or cry hysterically...no one was quite sure which.
Suddenly Dite, Xena, and Gabrielle walked in from the kitchen. Xena said to 'Dite, "See, it's all in the hip action...no, no, roll it. Yeah, that's it. Hey, Iolaus! Clarissa's safely in her mother's camp, and you have been dutifully thanked by the entire Amazon nation. She's back in her original form thanks to Aphrodite, and she's decided to stay and learn to defend herself. She wanted me to tell you that she admires you greatly, even if you do roll around in closets making weird noises."
Iolaus grinned sheepishly at the compliment and shrugged, "She's a good kid. I hope everything works out for her."
"You look good, how are you feeling?" asked Gabrielle.
"Great...just great, and might I add that you three look as lovely as ever. The healer just gave me permission to get out on the road again. Couple of little rules, ya know, but other than that...I'm home free. Herc's a little tense though," he said looking over at the babbling demigod.
"Sure, he says...he's fine, he says. Just a few little rules...HA! By Olympus, who does he think is going to enforce those rules?! Me...Me....arggg," he cried into his hands.
"Say, Xena...I've been thinking, if you ever get tired of the wandering hero thing, maybe we can go on the road together. We made quite an act," Iolaus teased gently.
"Uh huh, and if you're really good, someday I'll give you a private performance. Be safe, Iolaus, and thanks," she said with a slight smile as she kissed his cheek. Iolaus blushed; Gabrielle stood with her mouth open, and Dite giggled intensely.
"Um...Xena..what..I mean you don't have to tell me. But what exactly did you two..," Gabrielle started.
"Sorry, friend. Trade secret," she winked and walked out quickly with Gabrielle turning to see Iolaus stroking his cheek with a kind of far off look.
Aphrodite smiled and kissed his cheek too. "Okay, remember you promised to stop by my temple next time you're in Thebes and teach my high priest that little tune. By the way, where did you hear it?
Iolaus shrugged, "I just sort of made it up. I have a gift, I suppose."
"Oh Baby! You sure do. Check ya later, Sweetcheeks. Take care of my bro. You're right; he does look tense," Aphrodite observed as she popped out.
Before the healer left, he pressed an herb designed to calm the nerves into Iolaus' hand and nodded toward the blabbering Hercules. Iolaus grinned, took as deep a breath his bound ribs would allow him and said, "Okay, Herc. About those mud baths back in Thebes...I mean I've got business there anyway, and you look like you could use some down time."
Hercules buried his face in his hands and wept. "I think I need to find a place to just be," he muttered.
"Be what?" Iolaus asked with an impish grin.
