7-10-01: So many thoughts, swirling, swirling, and you my dear, are the only one who knows it. Confusion drowns the children, pathways to choose, lives to live, if I take that step. Over and over and over again. Over and over and over again. Over and over and over...till something breaks. Away...from you. Glistening, removing my eyes for you. Sleep, in a world full of hopeless integrity. I know...I know...I know. That you'll see me soon. Yesterday not long before the hysteria takes hold, of me...of you. Jumbled words and fetid kisses can't replace the thoughts that beckon YOU...veils, to hide behind. Hide...Hide from the pain...lost in a forest of effervecent kisses, traped in a world without you.....
6-11-01:The scene is bleak in a Washington County courtroom today as two good friends butt heads, ahem, go head to head against each other over an incident two weeks ago in which Douglas Fortenbury passed gass in the face of his then friend Charlie Shumisomi. The two boys were wrestling in the living room, prompted by an evening of watching WWF Raw. The details about what happened next are a little cloudy, but Charlie's lawyers allege that Douglas sat on the chest of their client and passed gas. In a recent interview Charlie was stated as saying the two boys had been eating spicy foods before WWF Raw and that Douglas should have been well aware of the repercussions of the incident. Oddly enough, Douglas's attourney says that if his client is to be held accountable for his "sudden" release of gas, then the true defendants in this situation should be the makers of "Hot and Violent" Hot Sauce and it's accompanying brand of Bean Dip. "As much as our client regrets the incident, Douglas and his sphincter are the true victims in this case." said Douglas's attourny. The Blowyerass Hot Sauce company declined to speak with us here at Unfinished Boundaries. We will be following this story into the end of the week, when it is assumed the case will come to an end.
4-6-01: Austin, TX. Brian Melton contemplated cutting off his balls last night while playing pool next to 3 drunken frat boys. "I just don't want to be associated with their sex." said a dismayed Mr. Melton. After shooting an exquisit bank shot on the 8-Ball for the win, Brian returned to his stool to sip some beer. What he overheard shocked the poor boy and sent his mind into a spiral. "This one big fat fratdaddy was talking about 'fuckin these two bitches' and then the words came out of his mouth, 'she was licking spinach dip off my balls'. I nearly spewed my beverage all over my pool buddy. I knew right then and there why there are so many lesbians. I wouldn't want to put up with that shit either."
4-4-01: Austrailian Outback: Tragedy has hit the Outback this week as the last remaining seven castaways on CBS's "Survivor" have reportedly eaten the show's host. "He was taunting us about loosing weight so...we ate his ass." Remaining Survivor Rodger Bingham said. No official word yet on how the annoying Jeff Probst tasted.
3-30-01: Washington DC: George W. Bushy yesterday expected American Citizens to believe him when he told reporters in a press conference that he "really is trying to keep the environment somewhere in the back of my mind." This report comes just hours after the newly elected president had decided to end America's involvement in the Koyoto Air Treaty of 1997. "People think that I hate the environment and that is just not true!" said a slightly upset Bushy. "I think the environment is the best thing that ever happened to our economy. Why would I want to destroy an industrial cash cow like Mother Earth?" In related stories, EPA Secretary Whitman ate one of the last remaining Prairie Chickens and Vice President Cheney had a sympathy heart attack for her increased cholesterol levels.
2-26-01: New Orleans, LA: Over the Mardi Gras weekend the World Famous French Quarter was destroyed as a bi-lingual Muck Monster emerged from the piss drenched filth of Bourbon Street. Authorities say that the Muck Monster's rampage began when he gave up a twenty dollar string of beads under the assumption that a young blonde girl was going to "Show him her tits". When the girl walked off still wearing her halter top and a nice round smirk, the Muck Monster clawed through the crowds and began drinking at a heavy pace.
02-6-01: New York, New York: Today a sports reporter wrote an exhaultation of the brand new XFL football league saying, "My peers are just all wrong about this new football league. Skimpy cheerleaders, brutal violence, horrible announcers...I mean...it's better than boxing!"
01-30-01: George W. Bush said he intended to act "boldly and swiftly" to enact his plan, which includes an effort to pass legislation allowing drilling in protected areas of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and granting waivers to states that seek to run older plants at full capacity — even, administration officials said, if that means violating clean air standards.
01-25-01: Man bites off his tongue when trying to say Snuffleupogu...
01-22-01: On Wednesday night Farmer Yule's Horse, Tiki, did the unspeakable and created yet another wonder of the world. Tiki, who had eaten his weight in grain during the day, crapped out a fully functional Ferrari Testerosa. When Farmer Yule realized just what his horse had deposited on his ranch, the Farmer hurredly jumped in and started the engine. The one drawback to the car says Farmer Yule, is the horrible stench of a Fecal Ferrari. "But I've always wanted one of them here Ferrari's, and I figure it's better than that piece of shit ford I've been driving."
01-12-01: Man falls asleep in Barber's Chair, wakes up with a dye job-Atlanta, Ga: Blonde headed Ronald Finkle of Atlanta fell asleep in his barber's chair yesterday and woke up as a brunette sources say. "I was sleepy, I've been working a lot lately." said Ronald of the incident. "I didn't know it was a crime!" "Of course he knew it was a crime," said Babush Kihlitawhitz, barber extrodanaire, "It says it right on the door. All sleeping clients will be subjected to a dye job. I usually use pink or green, but I thought that this guy could use a push in the right direction. Blonde is so bad on him!"
01-08-01: Jessica Langer of Rich People Are Bitches USA, told her boyfriend that she would no longer be seeing him due to his recent employment. Ronald Hawkins, who isn't as rich as most people in Rich People Are Bitches USA, had to get a job at a local McDonalds to help pay for his brand new Ford Taurus. "I just can't be seen with someone who is known as a professional burger flipper." said a dismayed Jessica. "What on Earth would the girls at the tanning salon say?" Ronald however, was in nothing but good spirits as he told reporters, "I wish her the best. I really do. I wish her the best cancer money can buy
01-02-01: Henry Jacobs of Lubbock, TX today broke his newly formed News Year Resolution to overcome his constant pessimism. When his wife slightly burned his breakfast toast Henry cried, "Damnit woman, can't you even use a toaster?" Henry must now chalk this one up to, "Just another thing I've fucked up."
12-20-00: Ryan Sparks of Austin, TX caught the skin of his penis in the zipper of his Lucky Jeans today in his office bathroom. "It hurt like hell," an injured Ryan said, "I definitly need to sue Lucky Jeans for falsely advertising that their jeans will make you Lucky. Aint nothin as unlucky as catching your pecker in your zipper."
12-14-00: United States: Francis Dayle of the United States locked herself in her basement last night, claiming that she..."understood what the walls were saying." Sources say that the middle aged woman had gone "quite mad" and had to be "escourted to the Funny Farm." Chevy Chase, who was the star of the early 1990s film with the same name, is quoted as saying, "I feel sorry for poor Francis...The Funny Farm is by no means funny regardless of what those sheep keep doing."
12-5-00: Boy uses flatulence to flirt: Paris, Tx: David Krish of Paris, Tx today told his teacher that he, "Farts to get the chicks." Samantha Frost, 4th Grade Teacher at Yuck Elementary School asked her young student exactly, "Why he has to bend over to break wind." "The response he gave me was shocking," said Mrs. Frost, "He said that all the girls love it. He even said it was an aphrodisiac! I can't even spell that let alone think my fourth grader's behind expells it."
12-1-00: Casey Spreadeagle(an alias), noted Porn Actress sued the Porn industry today on multiple counts of character defimation. Said Spreadeagle, "My mom was never supposed to find out. They told me that if I changed my name she'd never find out that I give the best blow job this side of China. Well, as it so happens, she and her new boyfriend picked up a copy of Titty-Bang Bang, my Gang Bang video, and saw me getting fucked by 452 men. Now how am I supposed to explain that to her? She even told me to never come back to the double wide!"
11-28-00: A boy lost his bearings in the Austin International Airport and barely came out alive today the boy in question said. "Shit man, it was like...I couldn't find my way and shit."
11-21-00: A young man in Austin, TX today could not find a single piece of creativity. Doctors say that in order to establish some sort of spark, the young man stapled both of his eyelids to a yack that was grazing on some grass in a park close to his home. When asked why the young man stapled his eyelids to a yack he said, "Yahh...yack...yahh."
11-20-00: Rhode Island - Bobby Reams, 21 of Rhode Island today stated that he was somewhat constipated. He was not sure at the time of this article whether or not it was do to his excess eating of cheese or his lack of "fiber-based" cereal. All that Mr. Reams was able to comment on was that he, "was pretty fucking tired of sitting on the shitter."
11-16-2000: Alaska --- Ryan Henesy, of somewhere in Alaska, was chased down by an angry eskimo and skinned yesterday evening sources say. It is unclear as to whether Ryan was actually taunting the eskimo before he was skinned, but local officials say that it is rare for an eskimo to skin another human without a "Damned good reason."
11-15-2000: Jonathan Neilson, sick as a dog on the fourth day of his head cold, sneezed and shot out a Mucus Demon at lunch on Tuesday afternoon. Forced to go to school because of crying wolf one too many times, Jonathan just couldn’t stop the sneeze from coming. Friends of the boy said that the Mucus Demon shot “from his nose, landed on the lunch table, and started singing ‘Keep Rollin’ by Limp Bizcuit.” The Demon then trotted out the front door amidst a hail of claps and cheers from every lunchroom table except for the Hicks and Rednecks table, which is filled with kids who still think Limp Bizcuit is a term for, “A broken willie”.