Separated At Birth
The camera opens as Chester, a short, fat, jolly guy dressed in blue jeans and a bright orange T-shirt is doing his laundry. Blasting on a small portable stereo is Snoop Doggy Dog’s What’s My Name. He’s singing the lyrics and bouncing his jolly fat ass back and forth as he throws various articles of clothing into the washing machine. This scene continues as he takes out the clothes in the dryer, takes a nice big whiff of one of his favorite T-shirts, and removes the clothes within. The small laundry room is quite cramped with its array of washing and drying machines. There are two of each, a nice big foldable table, which is now supporting Chester’s laundry basket and his now dry clothes. The laundry room is quite drab, but there is a bit of sunlight coming through a small window near the ceiling. Chester doesn’t seem to mind though, and as he continues his dancing and rapping, he takes a humongous bite from a deli sandwich that is sitting on top of the dryer. As Snoop’s back up vocalists finish the song and we hear the next one beginning, the door to the tiny laundry room bursts open and we see a handsome, slender, well-tanned young man enter. We notice that on his neck, is a birthmark of sorts that, although obvious, does not detract from his pleasant appearance. He runs up to Chester and starts tickling Chester who squeals and tries to push him away. This striking young man is Chester’s roommate, Garfield, and he lets out an exuberant:
Garfield
How’s my chunky friend doing today? God, you just make
me want to squeeze those little cheeks of yours
until...we’ll,
I’m just damned glad to see you man.
Garfield starts making cooing noises as he grabs Chester’s cheeks and starts to tug at them like your Aunt Selma at a family reunion. Chester squeals once again and pushes Garfield away.
Chester
Good to see you too Garfield, how’d you know I was down here.
Garfield
Timothy told me. Said you stained your favorite T-shirt and
needed to get it clean before tonight. What, do you have a hot
date or something?
Chester
Actually, yeah I do.
Garfield
Bullshit! With who?
Chester
You know that pizza delivery chick named Samantha?
Garfield
Of course! How could I forget her, she’s practically
part of the family!
Chester
Well, she was over last night, delivering my dinner and
I just had this amazing inspiration. I felt so moved and
motivated to ask her out. So I did, and she accepted. She
gets off at 9 tonight and I think I’m going to take her
to see that new Dennis Rodman movie.
Garfield
That one with Jean Claude Van Damn?
Chester
No, Steven Segal.
Garfield
Oh, shit yeah, “Rebounding Rebels”!
Chester
Think she’ll like it?
Garfield
Doubtful...
Chester
Dennis Rodman?
Garfield
No, Steven Segal.
Chester
Damn, didn’t think of that.
Garfield
That’s why you keep me around right?
Chester
That and you take baths.
Garfield
True...
Chester
Well we could always go and see that Leonardo De Caprio
movie that just opened. Ebert said that he would give it two
thumbs up after he finished his buttered popcorn.
Garfield
That’s cool, I’ll bet she’ll dig it. For some reason girls
are into that whole, cute guy, dumb act, sort of thing.
Chester
Yeah but look how far that got Hugh Grant...
Garfield
True, true...hey what’s that?
Garfield points at something over Chester’s shoulder and Chester turns completely around to look for it. The camera follows Chester’s stare, leaving Garfield unattended. Chester and the camera pan around, scanning for something, anything. Finally Chester says:
Chester
What’s what?
When Chester receives no reply he quickly turns around and we see Garfield, Chester’s sandwich in hand, chewing hungrily. The two pause as they stare into each other’s eyes. Garfield makes the first move though by tossing the sandwich back onto the plate and scooting away very, very gingerly.
Chester
Why you son of a...
Garfield
Chester, man, remember...uh...that time I was working at that
radio station...and uh...pulling in all that cash? Remember how you
were sort of flat broke and I fed you for an entire month?
Remember...uh...remember...uh...how nice I was when you snuck
my last Twinkie and hid in your room and ate it? Remember?
Chester (methodically)
You son of a...
Garfield
Chester...why are your eyes doing that?
Chester’s eyes are frantically blinking in an almost twitch-like fashion.
Garfield
Uhhhh...Chester?
Chester
Argh!!!
Chester launches himself towards Garfield who immediately turns and hurries in the other direction. He gets trapped in a corner though and frantically turns his head, looking for some sort of out. He finds none though, as Chester goes barreling into him, sandwiching him with the wall. We hear a thud and the two men’s groans, as well as a large screeching sound coming from the opposite direction. The screen fades to black.
****
The camera opens on the two men as they are just awaking from their brief stint of unconsciousness. Chester lifts his head and grabs his forehead where we can see a small bruise beginning to form. Garfield musters up enough strength to push Chester off of his legs. Groggily, Garfield says:
Garfield
It was just a sandwich man...
Chester
But it’s the principle of the thing...
Garfield
The principle?
Chester
If you had just asked instead of tricking me into turning my
back...my brother’s used to do that shit to me all the time.
Garfield
Did you ever slam them into a wall?
Chester
No, but one time I broke Allen’s nose with a plate.
Garfield
Note to self: Say nothing about the Ben and Jerry’s.
Chester
What?
Garfield
Nothing...what in the hell is that?
The two men slowly get up off the ground and walk over to the washing machine. The camera zooms in on the washer and dryer pair that has now split apart. As we get closer we notice that there, between the two machines, is what appears to be a trap door of sorts. There is a metal ring attached to it, leading us to believe that it can, and in good time, will, be opened.
Chester
Whoa...
Garfield turns around to look at the spot where Chester made impact with his body. We see that there is an indention in the wall.
Garfield
Chucky my dear friend, I do believe that your anger has
uncovered quite a gem here!
Chester
You mean I hit a secret button or something?
Garfield
Or jarred the motherfucker loose. I mean why the hell not?
This kind of shit happens in movies all the time!
Chester
Well it has a handle...maybe I can open it.
Garfield
Why would we want to open it?
Chester
Because that’s what they’d do in a movie.
Garfield
Astute observation...
Garfield shrugs as Chester bends down to grab hold of the handle. He then begins to tug with all of his might, veins in his neck bulging, sweat beginning to break upon his reddening face. Finally after some time, the door begins to give way.
Garfield
You’re almost there man! Keep pulling!
Finally the door pops open. The camera rises above the boys to expose the darkness within the open portal. There is no noticeable signs of a ladder or stairs.
Chester
Where do you think it leads?
Garfield shrugs as he takes a step closer to the hole. He bends down to get a better look just as a violent sucking occurs and yanks him into the hole.
Chester
Holly Shit! Garfield!
Chester too bends down as he repeatedly calls his friend’s name. The same sucking occurs and Chester is brought into the hole. It is a tight squeeze and we, with the camera, watch his legs kick and squirm as half his body is left, stuck in the passageway. The sucking noise sounds as if it is a clogged vacuum cleaner. Finally, after a hundred grunts and groans, Chester is sucked into the blackness. The camera fades.
****
Open on a sunshiny day in a very suburban Leave It To Beaver setting. The camera pans low along the street until we get to a freshly painted white picket fence. The camera then lifts itself up over the fence, exposing a fresh, green front yard. The home is your typical middle class one story home, with a nice white paint job on the wood of the house with a pleasant blue trim. There are beautiful flowers of every sort growing in a well-kept garden. The camera goes through the front door, into the living room, into the kitchen where a well-groomed boy is making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The camera then flows through the back door into the back yard where we find a young woman and a young man, both of about 30 years of age, watching in anticipation. Below them, in a corner, is a female blue heeler who is giving birth in a padded wicker basket. A few puppies have already been born and are whimpering around their mother. We pan closer to the dog and watch as she gives birth to another puppy. This puppy, we notice has a striking patch of skin on his neck that is a darker color than the rest of his body. He squirms around and nestles up against the female dog for warmth. He is grabbed up, however, by the young man, and toweled off before being placed back into the basket. We hear the mother begin to whimper as the man is bending down to replace the puppy. The mother’s whines begin to get louder and more agonizing as we see a final puppy being born. This puppy is quite large, nearly twice the size of the others. With one final push he comes rolling out of his mother, and crashes up against the puppy with the birthmark. The two look into each other’s eyes and the fat puppy opens his mouth just as the camera zooms in on the two:
Chester
Garfield?
Garfield
Chester?
Chester
What in the hell is going on man?
Garfield
I have no idea, but I think...
The words are spoken and as the camera pulls back, we hear Garfield’s words morph into puppy cries. The young man then picks up Chester. The camera switches perspectives and we feel as if we are Chester being lifted from the ground. As the towel wraps around the camera, we fade to black.
****
A few months later.
The camera opens on the same backyard. We see eight different puppies in all, six of whom are running around the yard in total confusion. One is climbing on his mother like a jungle gym, another is rolling in the grass. The camera moves from puppy to puppy and finally catches sight of two more puppies, sitting quite calmly underneath a tree, separate from the rest of the pack. The fat one is licking his balls.
Garfield
Would you stop doing that?!
Chester
It’s like I’ve always said, “If I could, I would.” So now that I can,
I’m sure as hell not going to waste this opportunity.
Garfield
But it’s just so unsanitary.
Chester
Unsanitary! Shoot, did you see Cleo the other day? She took
a dump in the flower garden and then turned around and ate it!
I almost fucking barfed right then and there!
Garfield
Well, Mackenzie ate part of a dead bird yesterday, I don’t imagine
you’ll be doing that?
Chester
Actually, I was the one who brought it into the yard in the first place.
Garfield
God damn that’s gross... listen just because you’re in the body
of a dog does not mean...wait a second. Did you say “brought
it in?”
Chester
Yeah, what about it?
Garfield
Does that mean that you know how to get outside of this fence?
Chester
Oh hell yeah! The other day, while everyone was taking a nap, I
was scouting the area, you know, making sure the other puppies
were taken care of, when I saw a hole that I think mom had dug a
while back. It was a tight squeeze but I pushed myself through
and...Viola...there I was, on the other side.
Garfield
And you neglected to mention this to me?
Chester
I just forgot man. Why is it important?
Garfield
Why... Why is it important? Because man! We have got
to get out of here and find some way to turn ourselves back into
human’s again! Hadn’t that occurred to you?
Chester
No, but now that you mention it, that would be kind of cool. The
dry dog food is getting kind of old. But the milk’s not bad...
Garfield
Yeah, the milk is good.
Chester
So how we going to get out of here?
Garfield
Well, here’s the plan. You watch and see if the bitch is looking
or not. I’ll sneak out. Then, when I think it’s safe for you to go,
I’ll motion for you.
Chester
Sounds good, but please don’t call Mom a bitch again.
Garfield
Chester, it’s proper nomenclature...and besides, she’s not your
Mother.
Chester
Yes she is! She gave birth to us didn’t she! Just don’t call
Mom a bitch again alright?
Garfield
Ok man, Ok. So what is “MOM” doing right now?
Chester
Getting ready for feeding.
Garfield
All right, that’s when we’ll make out move.
Chester
And miss out on feeding?
Garfield
Yeah, we can pick something up later.
Chester
But this will be our last chance for milk, man.
Garfield
You do have a point there fatty...OK; we’ll leave after feeding.
The two agree and walk over to their mother, who is tumbling over onto her side for feeding. We fade to black.
****
The shot opens on the opposite side of the fence as we see Garfield urging Chester to squeeze himself faster through the hole under the fence. As Chester pops through, we see another small puppy standing by the fence, wagging his tail.
Garfield
No Gretchen, you can’t come with us.
The dog yaps.
Garfield
No Gretchen, go back to the others.
The dog yaps.
Garfield
Come on Chester; let’s just make a break for it.
Chester
God, I’m gonna miss Gretchen. She always snuggled up with me
next to mom every night. She makes these little wheezing noises
when she breathes. Awh, it’s just so cute!
Garfield rolls his eyes as the two begin to scurry down the sidewalk. After some time:
Chester
So Garfield, where the hell we going anyway?
Garfield
Well, by my estimations, we are in Cleaver, which is what, a good
half an hour away from University State? If we can get back to
the dorm laundry room and crawl back through the hole, then I think we might be able to reverse whatever it is that happened to us.
Chester
How do you know that will work?
Garfield
Well, it seems reasonable enough.
The two continue walking for a short amount of time until they come to a cross walk. As they wait for the light to say “walk”, Chester goes over to a nearby tree and begins to take a leak. Suddenly from the spot where Chester is peeing, we hear a faint cry.
Worm
Jesus Christ Man! Stop pissing on me!
Chester, startled, stops peeing and begins to sniff at the worm.
Chester
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to pee on you!
Worm (shaking himself dry)
It’s bad enough that I’m a worm; I don’t need to add any salt to
the gaping wound that is my heart.
Garfield (coming over)
You sure are a dramatic little worm. Who the hell are
you?
Worm
My name is Tommy. Tommy Weinberg.
Chester
No shit! Garfield, this is the Jew from the second floor!
Garfield
The guy who sold us that bum acid?
Worm
It wasn’t bum...it was just old, and I gave you your money back.
Chester
Shit man, we haven’t seen you in months, where the hell you been?
Worm (rolling his wormlike eyes)
Where do you think genius? Obviously I found the same hole in
the laundry room you two did. I just wasn’t as lucky. I get to be a
worm.
Garfield
No shit! Man, sucks for you. Hey, we were just headed back there
though. We were going to see if we can find some sort of way to
reverse what’s occurred. If you want you can ride Chester and we
can give you a lift.
Worm
I do not want to ride that fat piece of shit. Besides, even if we did
go back there, it wouldn’t work.
Garfield
How do you know it won’t work?
Worm
Well, I don’t for sure. But, this girl who used to live in room 250
was turned into a bluebird. I saw her last week and she told me...
Chester eats the worm.
Garfield
CHESTER!
Chester
What!? No one calls me a fat piece of shit. No one. Besides, I’ve
been starving since we left the house.
The two walk off down the street as Garfield is mumbling something about Chester being a fat piece of shit. Fade to black.
****
The camera opens on the two pups walking through the laundry room door. Chester is laughing at something Garfield has just said as they walk the short flight of stairs to laundry room floor. When they track across the ground, we see that everything is pretty much the same as when the two boys were here before. Coincidentally, the washing machine and dryer are still separated, and the hole in the ground is still open. The two stand in front of it.
Garfield
Well man, here goes everything. Even if this doesn’t work and we
wind up becoming newts or amoebas or salmon...I hope to god
you’re still with me on the other side.
Chester
Awh, thanks man.
Garfield
Sure. Now, you wanna go first?
Chester
Um...not really. The hole is big enough, why don’t we jump
in together? That way we can increase our chances of staying
together!
Garfield
Well, that sounds reasonable. Sure man.
They ready themselves in front of the hole.
Garfield
All right...ready. On Go. 1...2...3...GO!
The two puppies jump into the hole as we hear the old familiar sucking sound. The screen goes dark and all is silent until we hear bleeps and boings of different hospital machinery. We hear voices calling for scalpels and various other means of operation. Finally we hear a doctor’s voice say that he is finishing the C-Section. The camera is fuzzy as we get the view of a baby being born. The camera angle switches to an angle where we can see the newborn baby. As the doctor holds it up for the camera we notice that it is not only one baby, but two babies and they are joined at the hip. They are Siamese twins, and the heftier one opens his mouth to make a sound:
Chester
Well, at least we’re still together.
The camera pans out as Garfield, the baby with the birthmark on his neck, begins to cry.
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