All right, I have a confession to make to all of you Unfinished readers. I am completely crazy. And by god I hope there are more crazy people out there in the world who feel like I do because damn I would hate to be alone on this. I'm going to try and diagnose the problem to see if maybe someone out there has the remedy. I have a running commentary that goes on in my head constantly. I think it could best be described as worry in the sense that I am terribly neurotic. I think about the consequences of every single one of my actions every single second of every single day. And not what ramifications it will have upon other people. No it's not like I wake up in the morning and decide not to eat eggs because that baby chicken who died could be my great Aunt Betsy who passed away peacefully in her bed at the age of 83. It's not that kind of worry. It's a worry that everything I do, from waking up in the morning at a certain time, to breaking up with my girlfriend, to whether or not I masturbate again today…has consequences on whether I'm a better person or not. Right now I'm wondering what all of you are going to think about me putting masturbation into this little paper of mine. Yet, when you look back on most of my other writings I really didn't give a shit what you people thought. It made me laugh and that was what was important. When, I wonder, did I start caring what you people, or people in general, thought of me? Was it when I sold out and joined a fraternity for six months? Was it when I choose to quit band because none of my friends were going to be in it anymore? Was it when I lied to my Mom and Dad about my citizenship grade when I was in elementary school? No seriously, I'm curious. My brain doesn't flow like it used to and my tongue has never been duller. I need a fucking pencil sharpener for both my wit and charm because both have been seriously failing me as of late. Perhaps doing away with drugs and booze would be of some great help to me. But how can I when it's the only thing that stops the chatter going on in my head every second of every day. I want peace. I want quiet. I want solitude. I look at my very best of friends sometimes and wonder what the hell I'm doing? I wonder why I am so distant from everyone…and then…when they turn to meet my gaze, I look away. Am I really that scared to make a soulful contact? To let someone in is to commit to them, 100%. Every flaw, every problem, every annoyance. I just really don't know how to do that anymore. It makes me feel somewhat inhuman at times. And I often wonder if I'll ever be human again. This is a sad and exciting time in my life. I'm moving to a new town very soon to start my life. So I'm hoping to start anew. Maybe cleanse myself of all the resentment I've built up inside. Everyday, as I acknowledge these problems, I knock a little more off of my Berlin Wall. One day the wall will come down, and the gap between my soul and you…will be erased, and distance will mean nothing.
Depressing?? You have that mode? Alright then, I'm out.