By Brian J Melton
January 10, 2001 – Wyoming
The slogan of “Come rain, come sleet, come shine” should be transferred from the United States Postal Service to the Wyoming School System.
School officials in Wyoming stated in a press release today that they would be extending the length of the school day infinitely. “There will be no more recess, no more PE, and certainly no more going home.” Said Robert Wazell of the Wyoming Board of Education. “We have performed a number of studies that lead us to conclude that when a child goes home from school, they stop being IN school. This is alarming to us here in Wyoming because this is when a period known as ‘fun’ begins. We here on the Wyoming School Board are trying to find ways to deter this kind of behavior.”
The plan seems to be pretty cut and dry. Kids will be issues a cot on their first day of kindergarten. This cot will be their cot until the graduate from high school. Children will spend their nights in their assigned sleeping classrooms, while “Teach Yourself Spanish” tapes play over the public address system. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 362 days a year…that is how long each and every school year will be. All sports will be moved into the gymnasiums, and the Football teams will have to practice in the caffeteria. The kids will no longer go home for an evening of television watching and weekends in the sun.
“Sunshine is overrated anyway,” says Laura Granger, Principal of Thigpen Middle School in Jackson Hole. “What these kids need is a steady learning environment. A place where they know that they’re going to get a nice rap on the head for miss-spelling marsupial.”
“Shoot, most juvenile crime and pregnancies happen when our children aren’t in school.” Said Marcus Fillmore; quoting something he had obviously heard from someone else. “If we can stop this kind of deviant behavior outside of school, then we only have to contend with the fighting, pot smoking, and oral sex that occurs inside of school, and that my friends, would be a god send.”
Only one parent in the entire state of Wyoming, Marcia Waltz, has come out in opposition to the new school ruling, other parents are thought to be at work or at home with their respective mistresses. “I don’t want to have to visit Jimmy’s school just to see him every once in a while. He’s a great kid and a great student. Look at the kids in China. They go to school 250 days out of the year and look where that gets them! They’re the most sexually repressed and conforming people I’ve ever seen! I mean, come on! My Jimmy hates baseball! At least he’s an individual.”
The new school year will take some time and funds to implicate, but school officials are hoping to have the procedure in place by January of 2002. “We just didn’t have time to gather the funds for the shock collars we’re going to make each student wear.” Said Mr. Wazell. “It’s really cool…if the kid gets seven feet from the school, he’ll feel one hell of a shock. If he manages to get twenty feet from the school, his head will pop like a Macy’s Parade Balloon. I saw it in a movie once and I figured we needed them.”
(No children were asked to comment on this article because their opinions on this issue just don’t matter.)
Wow, good thing that I'm not in school anymore huh?