ABC and Fox Eagerly Anticipating Competition In Reality Shows

by Brian J. Melton

September 21, New York ---This is the year of reality based shows and in and effort to keep up with both NBC and CBS and the overwhelming demands for better and better reality based shows, FOX and ABC have announced several new shows that will be appearing on their networks over the next two years.

“Anyone can put a bunch of yahoos on an island and make them eat rats. That’s easy.” says Senior ABC Network Developer Agatha Bunton. “What we have slated for the next wave of reality shows will knock your socks of.”

A small peek at ABC’s line up includes two shows that are in production right now. The first is slated for a debut sometime in February of 2001 and is titled “Atlantis”. ABC has constructed an entire underwater city and has been interviewing thousands of people daily to make up the soap opera esque town of Atlantis. “Everyone will know everyone, and everyone will be sleeping with, cheating on, threatening, stalking, bribing, impregnating, and most of all gossiping about everyone else in the town.” says Ms. Bunton. The townspeople will remain underwater for six months with no contact from their families on ground. To add flavor to the lives of the townspeople of “Atlantis”, slight catastrophes will take place on a regular basis. The townspeople will have to put their differences aside to overcome such things as cracks in the protective outer shell, lack of food, sharks, and a tribe of fish worshipping cannibals who will periodically attack Atlantis.

The second show being produced by ABC is called “Sweatshop”. Based on the hundreds of Asian sweatshops making various products for upper-class white American’s, ABC will be introducing a team of 10 people to slave labor in South Korea. During the day they will be taped breaking their backs to make the finest in maternity wear. After an 18 hour day at work the participants will retreat to the warehouse in the back of the plant where they will be fed a grayish-green oatmeal substance before passing out on a damp cot huddled next to some smelly Korean man for warmth. A million dollars will go to the most productive member of the team who can keep their sanity and maintain somewhat of a human appearance.

“We’ve been doing reality based shows for as long as anyone can remember, and it’s about time that we corner the market on human suffering.” said FOX producer Kevin Spritz as he was unveiling Fox’s foray into the reality gameshow genre. With such ratings giants as, “When Baracuda’s Bite” and “Transvestite Secrets Revealed” Fox plans on winning the ratings war next season with a show called, “Beer Barn.” “It’s going to be huge with the college kids!” says Spritz of the show. “We’re taking 12 members of Greek Organizations, 6 men and 6 women, and putting them into a brewery that our production team is building, and closing it off for three months. The kids will have access to all the beer and pretzels they can consume. The one catch though is that these kids won’t have birth control of any kind. This is a game of abstinence and we’re awarding a full scholarship to the student who does not partake in the conception of a child by the end of the show. If we have multiple non-conceptions, they we will discern the winner by comparing their body weights to the body weights they came in with. Whoever is closest wins the scholarship.”

Fox is also working on a show slated to air in March of 2001 entitled “Homeless”. It takes place on the streets of Chicago and contestants will be stripped of everything but the clothes on their back and abandoned for six months. Homing devices will be placed upon each participant and they will be monitored as they claw their way through life. The producers will periodically check in on the contestants to monitor their filth level, their hunger level, and if they are still breathing. When asked if there will be any reward for a winner at the end of the program Spritz replied, “If we pick them up on the last day of taping and they’re still alive and kicking, I think that will be reward enough.”

Get me outta here! I have to go turn on the TV!