Tulia, TX---There is a legend in this tiny Texas town, and it actually has nothing to do with the size of the county cows’ testicles. It is a legend about a box of sand, and an 8 year-old child that did not return home.
On October 14th of the year 2000, Jeremy Irons (No relation the great English actor Jeremy Irons), said goodbye to his mother with a kiss on the cheek, never to be heard from again.
“He was going down to the local park to play,” said Mrs. Irons’ between bouts of tears. “I told him to wear a jacket because it was getting quite chilly out, and…and he did.”
The incident happened at the newly built, Forrest Notrees Park, named in remembrance of the Sanitary Landfill Commissioner of the same moniker. Jeremy and his best friend, Ted Kennedy (No relation to the fat and bloated black sheep of the Kennedy family) went down to the park with a shovel and a pail to play in the park’s sandbox. Ted tells of the horrible incident:
“It had rained the night before, so the sand was pretty wet when we got to the sandbox,” said a sullen Ted. “Jeremy had already taken off his shoes, and I was unlacing mine when I heard Jeremy scream, ‘Ted! Ted! Help Me!’ Jeremy used to be such a kidder, so I ignored him. I remember this time last summer when we were making margaritas in his mom’s Blender with his dad’s hidden bottle of Tequila. Jeremy turned on the blender when I was in the bathroom and started screaming about his hand being caught. I ran in there with my pants down the little punk took a picture of me flopping all over the place. Well anyway, I thought that he was just trying to scare me, so I took off my shoes slower than usual. He just kept screaming and I started laughing. Oh, God…I feel so horrible about that. I was laughing at him while the earth was devouring him. When I finally looked up when his screams were just muffles, all I could see was his forehead. I panicked and just stood there. I don’t understand what happened!”
Dr. Miles Davis, geologist (And no relation to the amazing jazz trumpet extraordinaire), explains the event in this way:
“During the evening of October 13, a storm broke out over the town of Tulia, Texas. This rain, mixed with the full moon of the evening and the bad luck of Friday the 13th, caused the sand in the sandbox to grow increasingly volatile. By the morning of the 14th, the sand in the box had developed a nasty disposition and had pledged its allegiance to the dark lord, Lucifer. Lucifer then distorted the sand and transformed it into what is commonly known as “Quicksand”. When poor Jeremy jumped into the “Quicksand” Box, it was almost as if Lucifer was offering him as a sacrifice to his newly created being. Jeremy stood no chance of survival and Ted was lucky that he survived the ordeal.”
Dr. Miles Davis then began singing Orff’s Carmena Burana while taking sips from one of the bubbling vials that surround his workplace. He then turned into a bat and flew out the open window.
Shortly after the incident, the park was closed down to remove the “Quicksand” Box and set up a memorial statue for Jeremy in its place. We are assured only by the pure fact that these happenings only take place in one place, Tulia, Texas, a place where Aliens and Chickens are free to have sexual intercourse, and the Cows’ Testicles are bigger than you’d expect.
Lucifer wouldn't create Quicksand...he's WAY beyond that!