Cleveland, Ohio---A man was nice today, much to the confusion of many people in his general area authorities say. Michael Straymen of Cleveland, Ohio was in an “excellent mood” and decided that he would, “do unto others as they might do unto me, if only the world were a better place.”
“I was shocked at such a brazen act of kindness!” said Gloria Sternum a resident of the Urban Junction Apartment Complex where Mr. Straymen resides. “He smiled and held the door open for me while I had my hands full of groceries I was bringing home to my ungrateful family. I thought to myself, ‘What kind of sicko would do such a thing!’”
“What a complete asshole!” said Francis Miner, a local waiter and struggling musician. “He told me to keep the change from a $50 off of a 42 dollar dinner bill. That’s a tip of 8 bucks. What, does he think I NEED his charity?”
85 year old Granny Smith had this to say: “I was standing in this horribly long line for the bathroom at the mall when I starting getting pissed because my piss started dribbling into my Depends. All of a sudden this guy comes up behind me and starts telling everyone to let me go before them. He said something about my age and my right for respect and then proceeded to lead me into the bathroom. Luckily all the women started screaming and clawing his skin ‘cause I thought he was going to rape me!”
Although official reports have not yet said as to what has gotten into Michael Straymen, but George Pucktucki, Chief of Police, stated that these kinds of crimes will not go unpunished and that, “Mr. Straymen will be punished severely for his crimes.”