The Ten Commandments of the PGA

Bands and Groupies. They go together like Kleenex and Runny Noses. The Groupie being the Kleenex of course. 50 year old women throwing themselves at 20 year old men who don't give a shit about them. They relentlessly crowd the front of the stage wearing their skankyest outfit that their ex-husband told them they looked sexy in 25 years ago. Screams come from the depths of their overweight guts as a bead of sweat from the lead singer lands on their outstretched tongues. I'm in a band and I've always wondered what goes on inside the mind of a groupie. So I did some investigating and found a secret groupie organization that was formed in order for groupies to meet and talk with other groupies about how many band members they have had encounters with. This organization is known as Professional Groupies of America...or the PGA. (not to be confused with the Professional Golfers Association) Besides the torture of dressing up as a balding 45 year old bike riding Merry Maid, I also was exposed to the agony of what goes on inside a PGA meeting. Although most of the meeting was conducted through guttural screams and sick gestures...I managed to permeate the mess and come away with what is known as the 10 Commandments Of The PGA.

10. Thou shalt be the first in line to buy tickets to this evening's show and upon receiving tickets to said show haughtily walk past everyone in line behind you, wave your tickets and chant, "I am said band's greatest fan...I have seen them 15 times."

9. Thou shalt be sure to arrive to the concert exactly 3 and a half hours before said show begins and always be the first fan at the tour bus and the last to leave said venue.

8. Thou shalt never wear more clothes than the lead singer of said band. If said singer removes his shirt, thou shall proceed to remove thou's shirt as well. Continue until arrested.

7. Thou shalt be ready to fight at all times during said show. If said band throws any object, ie. sweaty towels, guitar picks, drum sticks, water bottles, thou shalt punch, bite, yank, scratch the surrounding people until said object is in your possession.

6. Thou shalt smell.

5. Thou shalt smoke menthol cigarettes and drink watery beer while hitting on young college boy standing with his girlfriend.

4. Thoust bank account must be completely empty at beginning of said show for thou hast removed all funds to purchase every piece of paraphernalia of said band.

3. Thou shalt not wear constraining underwear. For said lead singer must be able to gain easy access to thoust personal areas.

2. Thou shalt be fondled by someone at said concert, even if said person ist thou.

1. Thou must never return to thoust one bedroom apartment without at least one autograph from said band member of said band, drunk to the point of triple vision and the phone number of said college student.

What are you complaining about Mr. Lead Singer?

Email: goldenma@aol.com