I stayed out till 6 AM with this amazing girl named Shelly. I woke up 3 hours later to the annoying sound of my alarm saying, "Brian, wake up and face the hell that hath become your life." So with basically no sleep I proceeded to get ready for my first "official" visit to a place of worship in over a year. I showered and shaved and everything...I even changed my underwear. I put oon my "Sunday Best"...which meant that I changed the true hoop I wear in my ear to a little black and silver stud. When I got up to breakfast my mom and dad said, "Brian, guess what, they opened the church again and now we no longer have to sit in the gym." What they meant by this was that the church had recently taken large sums of money from all of the worshipers...to the tune of 2 Mil...and built a bigger, better farce to the good lord. As we arrived at the church I looked and wondered just what in the hell they put into this thing that would cost 2 Mil. The walls looked the same, the landscape hadn't changed...but they did buy a nice new set of doors. When we walked through the cost of sending three poor children to college, I saw a huge swimming pool. Yet, with closer examination I noticed that people were dipping thier hands in and blessing themselves. I suppose that the little finger bowls weren't Godly enough for our new and improved church. So, we took the food out of hundreds of starving kids mouths to build the world's largest lake of holy water. I entered the new church and low and behold...no pews? No pews? We had pews last time I was here. There was just a bunch of folding chairs arranged in rows. They did however take out the carpet and put in some pretty tile. I then sat down in my folding chair and started taking notice of the little details that the decorators thought to add. The first thing I noticed was the huge cages around the statues of Mary and Joseph. It was really quite frightening. Shooting from the base of the statues were these large metal poles that encased each figgure. The little boy in front of my suddenly excalimed..."Mommy? Why are Mary and Jospeh in jail?" A great idea by our interior decorators. I then looked straight for the cieling and noticed something that just basically frightened the hell out of me. It was a wire sculpture of the Crucifix hanging from the cieling. It was as if the sculptor cut a bunch of chicken wire off of a fence and made some art. Jesus wasn't even on the outside of the cross! It was as if the cross swallowed him hole and he was hanging on the inside. Freaked me the hell out. As I began to look more and more I was REALLY glad (hence the sarcasm) that my parents donated for the renovations...so much more worthwhile than world hunger.
I also got to see a wonderful display of Christianity and Fellowship. There is this fat old guy that always announces what is going on in the service. Like a translator for the pagans. Well he had a special little pagan translator's chair on the front row with 3 other chairs. No one wanted to sit next to the pagan translator so the chair between the translator and an old lady was unocupied. Yet, there were tons of people standing up...obviously pagans because they showed up too late to get seats, as noted by our priest...and this one empty chair. So when the translator got up to translate the last saying, a lady and her young daughter sat in the two unocupied seats. When the translator had finished his corospondance he returned to find his pagan translator seat taken. So the translator asked the young woman and her daughter to get up and find another place to sit. This wouldn't have bothered me as much if Pagan Translator had not been able to pull another chair out from behind the Priest booth. But he could have very well done this and let the two ladies have his seat. He choose instead to show his Christian love towards man and make the naughty people, who took what was his, go away. I was very impressed by this act of chivalry and I got so enthusiastic that I left the church and remained outside until the service was over. I then returned home and went to work. I love Easter.
You're going to hell.
Email: goldenma@aol.com