OK, so one question. "Does anyone but me think that maybe dogs and cats, well at least dogs, can begin, over time, to pick up on what we as human beings are saying? I swear to God above that on certain occasions I'll just say the right thing to a dog and they'll look at me accordingly. When I say to my good friend Dodger the basset hound, "Hey Dodger your ass looks disgustingly gnawed upon today!", Dodger will cock his head back and look at me like I just insulted his ass or something. When I tell Mary, my blue heeler, to go drive the riding lawnmower and cut down some of this fucking grass that's been growing out of control this month, she'll grab the keys, hop on, and rev the engine. It's crazy! But if you think about it, it makes total sense. It has been proven that a man can travel to another country and pick up the native tounge over a certain ammount of time. So what if dogs could, over time, begin to understand our language. They've been listening to all of our most intimate conversations since Strom Thurmond was a wee lad. How many times have you told a secret to your dog because you couldn't help but spill the beans? How many White House dogs have heard our country's most confidential secrets? How many times have you danced naked in front of your dog? These are things that need to be questioned. I'm just looking out for your best interest here. You should watch your back. We have got to take action now! Start listening to the constant barking of YOUR dog. Pick up on HIS language FIRST! Then and only then can we stop the doggie uprising. If you don't take action, if you let this atrocity continue...we may just not have treats and tennis balls to pacify them.
Goddamn that's some great crack Brian's been getting lately!
DOGS! YES DOGS! THEY ARE HOLDING MY COUSIN JIM CAPTIVE IN A BASEMENT AS WE SPEAK!!!!