What you are about to read is not a work of fiction. All material herein actually happened on a cold Wednesday night in July of 2000. All names have been changed to protect the guilty. (and basically to erase my memory of the occurance) If you are disturbed by anything...you may not want to read any further. Those of you who wish to continue on with your reading will be asked to answer a simple quiz at the end of the article.
And now...on with the story.
As mentioned above it was a cold Wednesday night in July of the year 2000. The love of my life, who will be refered to as Schnookems, was visiting from out of town and we had had a wondeful night of verbal jabs and pillowfights. We were both fairly tired and at about 1:30 A.M we decided to go to retire to my bed.
Now, to fully explain the story I will have to explain the living conditions of our home here in Abilene, Tx. I live with three other people in a house with absolutly no doors separating any of the rooms. Two of my roomates are guys and one of them is a girl. Now the girl...we shall name her Sloppy...never comes home. Basically, she is a nomad and is out hunting and gathering for days on end. We never really know when the next time she will be home is. She never calls, writes, or brings home any of the berries or buffalo that she finds on her nomadic errands. So this night...like so many nights before...found me, Schnookems, and my two roomates wondering where in the hell she was gathering on this Wednesday night.
Now, niether of my roomates inform me of basic information such as, "We're out of toilet paper", "Your mom called", and "Friends from Lubbock are comming into town tonight.", so I had no idea that in a few short minutes all the beds in the house would be taken by wandering friends from L-Town.
At three in the morning Schnookems and I were woken by the glass sliding door to the outside being slammed shut and voices comming from the two people who had come in. I then raised my head to see if I needed to whoop any intruder ass. I refrained from getting my boxing gloves when I saw that it was Sloppy and some primitive man she had brought with her. (Although at the end of this story you may be asking yourself why I didn't go ahead and whoop some nieanderthal ass)
Within minutes Sloppy and her man were bedding down at the foot of my bed. Schnookems and I looked at each other and wondered aloud..."Why in the hell is she sleeping there of all places?" When they had gotten settled, they started kissing and such down at our feet. Schnookems then told me that she was rather repusled by the two being down there and I immediatly took this opportunity to confront Sloppy. So I said,
"Sloppy...can I have a word with you?"
And Sloppy says...
"Sure."
And Sloppy and I go off to the untility closet to talk.
I then ask her rather rudely, "Why in the HELL are you sleeping at the foot of my bed?"
"All the other beds are taken." Sloppy replies.
I was shocked. When Schnookems and I had gone to bed there wasn't anyone in any bed but mine. I was utterly confused and checked both of the remaining beds. Sure enough, two of our friends from Lubbock were sleeping in the other rooms. I then apologized to Sloppy and we all tried to go back to sleep.
5 A.M rolls around and niether Schnookems or I had gotten much sleep. Something had scared all the dogs outside and there was a massive amount of ruckus being caused by their fright. As I listened to the dogs barking I happened upon another distinct sound. I kept listening, trying desperatly to find another source for this strange, yet unique, noise. I listened to the air conditioner, the crickets outside, the fridge, and everything else I could lay an ear on. Finally I turned to Schnookems and asked, "Is that what I think it is?" And Schnookems replied, "Yeah, I think so." And this confirmed my utmost fear. The sound was nothing other than...
SQUISHY VAGINA!!!
Sloppy was being sexually stimulated by the finger of said nieanderthal!
Now I ask you Undfinished Readers...just what would you have done in this situation. Would you have...
A) Allowed said event to take place, lying there quietly in utter disbelief at the audacity of nomads?
B) Grabbed the hardest and most dense piece of furnature in the immediate area and thrown it at the two fornicating perverts?
C) Quickly grabbed your Schnookems and begin to match them in a battle of moans?
or
D) Video tapped the whole act and sent copies to their respective parent's homes?
I ask you unfinished readers...what would you do? What would you do? (If you would like to reply send an email me by clicking the e-mail link below)
You may be asking yourself, "So what did Brian do in this situation?" Well that answer is very simple my dear Unfinished Readers. I yelled out obviously crude comments every five or so minutes until 6 AM, when my alarm went off and I proceeded to get out of bed, stepping on said nieanderthal's head.
Man you aint heard nothing till you hear MY squishy vagina!
What's wrong with a little mutual masterbation? Grow up!