Washington DC --- January 25, 2001
In an effort to increase the participation in the armed services by hippies all over the United States of America, it has been announced that starting Monday, every person caught in the possession of Marijuana will be required to join the military unit of their choice. The United States Armed Forces are responding to a rapid decline in men and women who are choosing to serve their countries in uniforms.
“Young adults just don’t think it’s cool to be in the army anymore. Ahh, I remember when I was a youngster on the farm, all I told my parents was that I wanted to be a General when I grew up. Now look at me. I’ve reached my dream!” said newly appointed General Robert F. Yulie. “What we want is to instill a sense of pride for this great nation of ours back into the kids. Instead of punishing them for such a meaningless crime such as marijuana smoking, we’re inviting them to change their lives for the better in the United States Army!”
“Hippies smell like shit and we want to clean them up.” Said Mr. Dubyah Bush, who has somehow managed to squiggle into the interview room. “It’ll be good for all them marijawanna smokers and draft dodgers to learn that I’m not gonna let a single nother one of them into this White House!”
“Wait, I don’t think it’s better than jail,” said Snowflake Cold, drug user and smelly hippie. “It’s almost like they’re sentencing you to the firing squad or gas chamber instead of giving you 6 months in a low level security prison. I’d toss several salads before I would pick up a gun and shoot it.”
“We’re letting the offenders pick which branch of the military they would like to enter because we think that this would best suit the free thinking nature of the hippie culture.” Explained Francis Reinhold, a pasty white guy with glasses who grew up wrapped in the quilted excellence of hundred dollar bills. “We don’t want them to think of this as “bad”, we want this to be “groovy” and “chill”.”
No word yet on what the United States Supreme Court has to say about the constitutionality of this decision, but as we witnessed during the 2000 Presidential Election, our Supreme Court could give a shit.