Lightning Rain

Thieves, cuts, and bandages
A month later Taylor was still living on the street. He had written many more songs. He missed his parents worse than he knew possible. Tay's hair had grown down to his chin. It surprised him, how fast it had grown. Amanda was sitting beside him, and they were at Taylor's usual spot, on the sidewalk. Tay had been thinking of telling his true identity for a long time now. He figured today was as good as any "Amy." He used her nick-name "I need to tell you something." "Hmm...?" She asked, leaning against him, not really listening. "I'm not kidding! This is serious." By the sound of his voice, she knew that this was important to him, whenever he talked about his brothers or family, or why he had run away, this was the voice he had used. She sat up straight and looked at him. " What?" "You see, um... I know why hanson broke up." This was important to him? She didn't understand. "That's serious?" "Just listen Am... They broke up.. 'Cause they got in a huge fight, and Zac and Ike started ignoring Taylor." He shook his head, trying not to think about how it had felt. "Nothing worked right. They couldn't rehearse or pick out songs to preform because they weren't speaking to Tay. The performances got worse. The band was falling apart." He stopped. Hanson fell apart. My life fell apart. Everything fell apart for me, and no one even knew it. He got frustrated with himself. Stop thinking Tay, and just get on with it. Tell her! "Taylor couldn't stand it all. Music was what he lived for. And his brothers used to always be there for him. But suddenly they weren't anymore. So, he ran away.... Amanda... I'm Taylor Hanson." She stared at him open mouthed "You're Taylor Hanson? Oh MY GOSH! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I've known Taylor Hanson all this time!?! I can't believe this!" "Am, don't freak out on me okay?" "I'm not!.. No, wonder you looked so much like him...And your songs...This is so VERY, VERY VERY, COOL!" He sighed, glad that she finally knew the truth. "Are you gonna go back home?" "I don't know... I've been thinking about it, but I wouldn't be able to live if I went back and Isaac and Zac kept doing what they have been doing....That reminds me of something... Could I.. um.. Borrow some change? I'm gonna call them." "When? Now?" "No, later tonight." He answered. "Okay." She dug through her pockets and handed him a handful of change. "Thanks." "No problem! Hey what time's it?" Amanda asked. He looked at his watch "Six thirty-one, why?" "Oh man! I gotta get home See ya'!" She kissed him on the cheek and ran off. He put the change in his pocket and leaned back against the wall and went to sleep.

He woke up to find that someone had stolen his Dr. Martens. Right off my feet! He thought, amazed. Tay looked at his watch "Ten 'O' Clock! Whoa! If I'm gonna call, It can't be any later." Taylor got up and searched for a phone box. Not finding one until thirty minutes later. Going up to it, he put the coins in, and dialed the number. He counted how many times it rang. Trying to calm himself. Tay was so nervous. Five... Six... Seven... Please pick up! There's NO WAY I will have the nerve to do this again. "Hello?" It was his father's voice. Taylor couldn't speak. He just held the phone to his ear. "Hello?" Walker said again, sounding tired. Nothing Tay did would make him speak. He screamed at himself in his head. "Is there someone there?" Just say something. Taylor! You nimrod! Say something! He yelled at himself in his mind. then he heard the click on the other side and a dial-tone. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid." He yelled to himself, banging his head against the phone. One more time. He thought. And dialed the number again. this time it only rang once. "Hello?" It was his mom this time. He tried to encourage himself You can do it Tay! Just speak! Say hello! Anything! Come on! "Mom?" He finally got out. "Taylor?! Taylor? Is that you?" "Yeah." "Where are you? Are you okay?" "I'm fine." "Where are you?" She repeated. He didn't answer, instead he asked "How's everybody?" "They're worried about you, Tay." Ike and Zac worried about me? yeah right! He laughed bitterly. "What?" Diana asked. "Nothing." "Are you coming home?" He didn't know what to say. If he said No then it would hurt his mother terribly, but if he said yes...But he didn't know if he wanted to come home. I've already hurt her! I left didn't I? But I had to leave, it hurt more than anything to stay there. It hurt more than she is hurting now. There was silence for a few minutes. "Tay? Taylor, are you there?" "Yeah, mom, I don't know if I'm coming back yet." "We all want you back here, Tay." "Ike and Zac don't." He thought that he had thought that, but he figured out that he had said it out loud when his mom said "Of course they do, sweety, why would you think they wouldn't?" Taylor put in a couple more quarters. He heard the click of someone picking up another phone. "Taylor?" "Dad!" "Please come home, son. We could work out whatever's wrong." "No, we can't. At least you and mom can't!" "Why can't we?" "'Cause it's not you." He was starting to yell, even though he didn't want to. "It's okay, Tay." His mother said. There was another click and Jessica said "Taylor, whatever I did, I'm sorry. I miss you. Can't you come back?" Why do we have to have so many phones? "Jessi, it wasn't you, I miss you too." Tay heard the dial-tone and realized his money had run out and he didn't have any left. He kicked the side of the phone the phone booth and slid down the glass with his head in his hands. Tay was so confused, he wanted to go home, but was afraid of what his brothers would do. If they would keep ignoring him, it would kill him. It was getting cold, Taylor pulled his extra pair of socks from his pack and put them on over the ones he was wearing. He picked up his now crumbled drawing, and saw his brothers. A rush of emotions over came him. Anger, towards what they had done to him. Hurt, that was caused by it. Sad, because he missed them, and the friendship they had shared. He shut the door of the phone booth so the wind wouldn't come in. Tay couldn't believe that Jessi had thought it was her fault that he had left. He wanted to hug her and tell her that it was okay and everything would be fine. Do I really want to do that to her? Or do I want her to do that to me? Taylor curled up tighter, he felt more alone than ever. Tay slammed his fist into the window. It shattered everywhere and his hand started to bleed. He watched the blood pour from his hand. I'm so stupid! Amy shouldn't've of come. I should've just jumped. He stood up and grabbed his bag. Stepping on glass as he went. Flinching as the sharp pieces went into his foot. He walked towards the park. Making it there, he put down his bag and went to the railing and looked down. He was half way over it when he stopped. Then before he could change his mind, Tay grabbed his pack and ran as fast as he could with his cut filled feet to Amanda's house. He didn't know how to get in. Taylor thought about knocking, but then realized how stupid of an idea that was. He was shaking horribly. He grabbed a pebble and threw it at her window. Please wake up! Please, if you don't I'm gonna die. Wake up, Amanda! Then he threw another one and saw her face. Taylor motioned frantically for her to come down, then her face disappeared. Tay waited until he couldn't stand it anymore, and the part of him that had been telling him to jump, got through, and he headed back to the park. "Jordan! What's this? You wake me up in the middle of the night, then leave? What do you want?" Her words reached him and he stopped. She noticed that he was shaking so much that she thought he would fall. Amy came towards him "Are you okay?" "No! I'm....Not... Okay." He was shaking too much and it was draining his energy to speak. "Please.... I need.... you.... help.... me..." He was now shaking worse than ever and couldn't stop. "Tay, it's okay. Just calm down.. You have to calm down." She was in front of him now, gripping his shoulders firmly, but that didn't help. Tears now started to stream down his face. "I'm.... gonna.... jump... Please... don't... don't... let... me... I can't.... help... it... Please... stay with.... me... I know... if... you... aren't with... me... I'll jump... I will.. I'll jump... please Amy.. stay with me... stay with me Amy..." He was looking into her eyes, his eyes were pleading with hers. His face was sopping wet. "Shh....It's Okay I'll stay with you. I wont leave you. Come on. Let's get away from here." She was now holding his hand, tightly, leading him away from the park. They had gone as far as Taylor could go. His energy was being drained, from the constant and violent shaking. And his feet were hurting him too much. They sat down. "Just tell me, what made you want to jump?" "......No one... will... have to worry... anymore... Jess... wont think it.. was her fault... I wont be alone... Everyone will talk to me....." He tried to explain but was too frightened to get it out. "I'm here now, you're not alone. I will make sure you don't jump. You'll stay here with me. Okay?" She hugged him despite the shaking. Amanda was scared too, she didn't know what to do and wished her mother was there to help. But she knew that she couldn't get her mother, because if she left Taylor he would kill himself, and if she got her, she would have to explain about him. Tay finally quit shaking and just lay against her with his eyes open. While Taylor lay, dazed, she picked out all the glass from his hand and feet, then wrapped them in bandages she had made from pieces of her shirt.

¤ ¤ ¤ It was light and Taylor woke up to find he was in Amy's arms. She too was awake. "Are you okay now?" She asked sleepily. "Yeah I think so." "What happened last night?" Amanda asked. He remembered how scared he was yesterday. His whole body didn't seem to obey his commands. The only time he had gotten through was when he had went to her house. He remembered exactly what had set him off. I must be crazy. Am I mentally ill or something? Isn't my life bad enough? I don't need to be jumping off cliffs too without even being able to control myself. He cleared his thoughts before it happened again. "I was too confused and I felt so bad about making my parents worry, and Jessi thinking that she made me run away. I felt so alone. I just didn't want to ruin anyone else's lives.. I just cracked." "You haven't ruined anyones lives." "Yeah I have, yours, and my whole family's." "They're just worried and scared for you. And you haven't ruined my life. In fact I think it is better since you have come into it. I'm glad you came and got me last night." "Well, if you had come out a minute later I would've been back on that ledge, and this time, I would've jumped." Tay said. Amanda got up and dragged him to his feet. " What're you doing?" He asked. "I have to get some sleep, and I am not leaving you out here... alone, now come on!" He followed her back to her house, not really thinking about what her parents would think. Once there, she motioned towards the couch that was in front of the T.V. and went up-stairs to her bed. Tay was too tired to watch the T.V. so he stretched out and slept.

¤ ¤ ¤ Once he woke up, he heard Amanda's family clattering around in the kitchen. He sat up and saw Amy's father looking at him. "Uh... Hi Mr. Casey." "Where did you and Amanda go last night?" "Um.... We.... Uh... Went for a walk. I was uh.... Too tired to go home.. So, I kind of crashed here... Hope you don't mind." He didn't really buy it but said "That's fine." Tay looked at his watch and saw it was 12:32 p.m. "You want to eat lunch with us?" Mr. Casey asked. "Uh.... Sure!" Taylor said, getting off the couch and going into the kitchen. He sat down in one of the chairs and started eating the pasta Mrs. Casey had given him. Eric was watching him with a questioning look and his parents were looking at each other. Mrs. Casey asked "Jordan, shouldn't you call your parents and tell them you're here?" Tay almost choked on his food. "It's fine, I usually get up before them on Saturdays and go out." He was surprised on how good he was doing, lying. When before it would take him forever to make up something. Taylor noticed the bandage on his hand. Which unfortunately was his right, and he had to eat with it. Mrs. Casey also noticed it, and probably also noticed that it was wrapped in a piece of cloth from her daughters shirt. "What happened?" She asked. "Uh... I just dropped a glass...And I uh.... Cut myself while trying to pick it up." He wished they would just stop asking him questions. He had to remember to keep his head up. Taylor finally finished eating. He had rinsed out his plate and thanked Amy's mom. " I kind of... should.. um.. go." He hoped no one would notice he didn't have any shoes on. Or that Amanda had bandaged them too. Tay ran out the door, and stumbled down the steps. He was half-way down the street when he heard Eric say "Hey! Wait up!" Taylor stopped "What?" "Can I walk with you?" "I guess." Tay started walking again, and Eric came up beside him. "So, you are Taylor Hanson?" "Does she tell you everything?" Tay asked kind of annoyed. "Yeah.. But that's okay 'cause I wont tell nobody." That made Taylor remember the friendship his brothers had shared with him. It used to be like this. "So, what happened last night... Really?" "Nothing." "Come on! I know it wasn't just nothing." "It's not like I have to tell you or anything!" Tay started to get angry. "Chill out, I wont tell anybody, I swear, I keep Amy's secrets all the time." Taylor wondered if Amanda had told him about the first time he had tried to commit suicide. "Why does everyone want to know about me all of a sudden?" "Because right now I think I am probly your only friend... Besides Amanda, but that's different she's like your girlfriend.. Am I right?" They had reached Tay's spot and had sat down. "Yeah... I guess." "Well, then, come on, tell me." He finally got it out of Taylor. Actually he got everything out of Taylor. Like why he ran away and everything else. "Whoa! You and Isaac and Zachary sound like you had the same relationship me and Amy have. I'd probly flip too if she did that to me." "It wasn't just them... I mean, it was the band too. It was falling apart.. and I... couldn't face it." Taylor corrected him. "So, what're you gonna do now? If you stay here you'll end up jumping." Tay hadn't thought of that, but knew he was right. "But if I leave you and Amy... You're the only ones I can talk to." "Well... Yeah.. I can't help you there, man." Eric answered. They sat there for a few more hours, Amanda came by and talked for awhile then they both left. Taylor was trying to figure out what to do. He had sat in the same position all night, just thinking. It was now the next day, and he had figured on what to do. Taylor went to Amy's and knocked. Eric answered it and said (before Tay had a chance to say anything.) "Yup! She's here, come in." Taylor shook his head "I can't" And pointed towards his feet. He didn't want to answer any more questions. "All right. One sec." Eric barely closed the door and went to find Amanda. "Yeah?" She came outside and shut the door. "I'm gonna go see my parents." "Your what?" "I'm gonna meet my parent, somewhere back in Tulsa for a little while, I have to see them again." "What about your brothers?" "Just my parents, no one else... I really, really hate to do this to you, but I need to borrow some money for a bus." "How much?" He told her and she said "But that's not enough to get back here... You are coming back aren't you?" "I'm coming back. I just am gonna ask my parents for the money... They probly wont give it to me now that I think about it... 'Cause they want me to stay... But I AM NOT going to ask you for more! I'll get some, some how." "No! You wait here." She ran inside. A few minutes later Amy and Eric came out. "Okay you see, I'll give you enough to get there and Eric will give you enough to get back." "No! I told you no, a minute ago, I'm not taking anymore money from you." "Yes, you are, besides we're your friends." Eric said and they both put their money into his hands. "No! I'm not, take it back!" He tried to hand it to them, but they refused. "Stop it Taylor! Take the money." Amy said "Fine!" He said, angry that she never listened to him. Eric went back inside and Amy said "I'm going with you to call them, I want to be there in case you feel like doing the same thing you tried to do the last time you called them." "All right, thanks" They walked hand and hand to the phone booth. Taylor put in the quarters and dialed the number. It rang a few times, then his face went white and he shoved the phone into her hand. He whispered angrily into her ear "Ask for Mrs. Hanson, please, ask for her." Amanda wondered what would have made him so angry all of a sudden. She put the phone up to her ear "Um... Hello?" Amy said. "Hello?" Isaac answered. "Is Mrs. Hanson there?" "Yeah, hold on." "Hello?" It was Diana, she gave the phone back to Taylor. "Uh.. Mom?" "Taylor!" She said happily. "Can we meet somewhere?" "Where? Where are you? I'll come pick you up!" "Mom, don't get the wrong idea... I'm not coming home... Yet... I just want to meet up, somewhere in Tulsa. With just you and dad." They made plans to meet the day after next.

Taylor was on the bus, he rummaged through his pack and pulled out his necklaces. Fingering them, he remembered what they had stood for. The three crosses, was Ike's necklace, the soccer ball Zac's, and the Star of David was his. He had promised to wear them always. They were there to show that the brothers would stay best friends for life. Well I broke that promise. I took them off. No! Ike and Zac broke it first. I just followed their lead. He put back on the star, and put the rest back in his bag. I guess I'm on my own now. Taylor knew exactly what his mother would do. She would plead with him to come back home, but he wouldn't go. He couldn't, Tay didn't even know yet if he wanted to go back. The seats were so comfortable, and Tay hadn't gotten any sleep last night or the night before it. His eye lids started to droop. Taylor struggled to stay awake, but he couldn't.

Tulsa
Tay had gotten off the bus, and was in his home town, Tulsa. He wouldn't be meeting his parents for another hour. His nerves were doing back flips. Taylor felt like he was going to be sick. He decided to walk to the place where he was going to meet his mom and dad. It was a small little picnic area that no one ever used anymore. He went and sat on one of the tables. Laying back he watched the clouds, and tried to pick out shapes of animals. Ugh! This is so boring! Tay sat back up. I know what I'll do. He stood up, and imagined himself playing the piano, imagined his brothers harmonies and then he sang out loud "I Will Come To You" It was pretty good for just him singing it. Then he heard a car. He swung around, and saw his mom getting out of the passenger side. Taylor started walking towards the van. His father came around. They hadn't noticed him. Now he was right behind them, he tapped his father's shoulder. "Taylor!" He turned around and hugged him. His mother came over and joined them. She was crying. They broke apart and sat on the nearest bench. "I brought your shoes, that you asked for." Diana said, as she handed him his tennis shoes. "Thanks." Taylor was putting them on, when his mother said "Oh honey, What happened to your feet? Are you okay?" Tay looked down at his blood caked socks. "Uh.. Yeah I'm fine, I just stepped in some glass, it's better now." She looked relieved. Walker said "Whatever's bothering you we can help." "It's not you." "Well, then why'd you run away?" "I can't tell you." "How are we supposed to help you then, honey?" His mother asked. "Your not." The questions were getting on his nerves, but he tried not to show it. He knew they would ask a lot. "Well, then how do we fix whatever's wrong, so you will come home?" Walker asked "It isn't you or mom! You can't do anything about it." Taylor was trying desperately to stay calm. "Who, or what, is it then?" Taylor couldn't help it, he started screaming "I've told you over and over! Why don't you listen to me? You can't help me! And it isn't your fault! I'll come when, and if, I want to! I just wanted to see you! Okay? Don't try to help!" Taylor's mother put her arms around him. "It's okay, we'll back off, shh.." "We just don't want you to be alone out there." Walker said. "I'm not alone, I've got some friends there." He calmed down a little.

¤ ¤ ¤ Taylor was back in Oklahoma City everything had gone pretty well. He and Amanda were sitting on her couch. Tay just got finished explaining what had happened, with his parents. "So, you going back?" "I guess, I mean, if they start up the silence thing again I could always come back here... Right?" "Yeah." She smiled. He traced the outlining of her face, and kissed her softly. "When, you going back?" Eric asked as he came in. "You were eavesdropping!" Tay said, pretending to be angry. "You expected me to just ignore you?" Eric asked. "I dunno when I'm going back. I mean my parents don't even know I want to come home." "Well, whenever you decide to, I could get my parents to drive you, and I could explain everything to them, later." Amy said. "Wont they.. like.. sike out?" Taylor asked. "Probly! But with me and Eric talking to them and everything, they'll calm down... Eventually." "Yeah, and you ARE Taylor Hanson." "Oh yeah.. How great." Taylor said sarcastically, then he thought of something. "You aren't gonna tell them about me... trying to jump... off the cliff.. will you?" "No! You think I'm that stupid?" Amanda said. "I am gonna hafta tell mine." They sat around, everyone thinking they're own thoughts. Taylor finally said "I'll go tomorrow." "Okay, I'll talk to my parents tonight about driving you out there." Amy said. Taylor took his arm from around Amanda's shoulder, and got up. "I'm gonna go." "Bye." Eric said, Amy hugged him tightly, and Tay laid a kiss on her lips. "See you later."

Taylor called and told his mother that he was coming home, then spent the day walking and thinking how everyone would react to his story. How his brother's would act around him. Once his thoughts finally cleared enough, Tay sat down, and slept.

Home
Mr. Casey had agreed to drive him (even though he was wondering, why he had to drive to Tulsa, when Jordan supposedly lived on Hailey's Avenue.) Eric, Amanda, Taylor, and Mr. Casey were all now in front of the Hanson's house. The whole family came running out. Eric said "Good luck, man." Mr. Casey was now utterly confused. Amy convinced him to not ask any questions yet, and get in the car. Amanda hugged Taylor for a few minutes then said "Goodbye." And handed him her phone number. "Thanks... For everything." He said. Then the Casey's got back into their car and drove off. Taylor turned and faced his family. Jessi was the first to hug him. Then Macki and Avie joined in. Once they let go, his parents held him. Finally everyone went into the house. Everyone was expecting him to explain what happened, but Tay wanted to talk with his brother's first.. To see if they would talk to him. "I'm sorry, but I.. can't tell you now. I have to go up stairs and just settle down... or whatever.. first." He was nervous around his family. They're my own flesh and blood and here I am, nervous! What is the matter with me? He took his bag and walked upstairs to his room. Wondering how long he would have to wait for his brothers to come in.

¤ ¤ ¤ Taylor sat there for few minutes, then un-packed his bag and threw all the clothes in a pile on the floor, so he could pick them up later to be washed. Sitting back down he stared at his old room. He hadn't been back here in so long. It was different, he couldn't figure out what it was. But the room seemed like it had changed since he had been gone. He had to do something, he couldn't just sit there and wonder what his brother's would say, or if they would say anything at all. So he got up once more and searched through his chester drawers until he found some clothes, then went into the bathroom and took a shower. The hot water running through his tangled and dirty hair, over his filth covered face and neck. Once he had gotten out, he dried his hair with a blow drier and opened the bathroom door. He walked down the hall to their room, but stopped suddenly when he saw who was in there. It was Zac; Zac was sitting on his bed, as if he was waiting for someone. Quietly he crept back into the room. Automatically he looked down at the floor. He walked over to his bed and sat down once again. Not taking his eyes from the carpet. His hair fell into his face, but he didn't bother to put it behind his ear. The silence was horrible. The breath seemed to be caught in his throat, just waiting, wondering, hoping. Not a word was spoken. Taylor twisted his silver and blue silk shirt sleeve in his hands. It seemed that he had been sitting there for ages. Please, please say something Zac. You can't do this to me. You don't know what you are doing to me. He doesn't even know what he is doing does he? He doesn't know bad this is hurting me. How much pain he is causing me. Just one little word, Zac. Just say something. Please, you have to say something. Don't do this again, please don't do it again to me. He pleaded silently with his brother. He heard a creaking noise as Zac changed the way he was sitting. A clearing of the throat. Taylor kept fiddling with his shirt sleeve. Twisting it around and around. Another squeaking noise. Zac cleared his throat again. like he was going to speak when someone else came into the room. Taylor instinctivly looked up. Isaac was standing in the doorway. Quickly he looked down again. Twisting his shirt sleeve even more fiercely. He heard whispering and then the door shut. Taylor looked up again. Both his brothers were gone. He twisted so hard on his sleeve that it almost ripped off. He grew angry. They aren't going to do this again are they? Tay jumped up and sreamed, so loud that after he had done that his throat started to hurt. He couldn't believe they could possibly keep ignoring him like that. He ran over to the door and locked it before someone came in to ask what was wrong. He needed to be alone. "Taylor? What's the matter? Are you okay? Taylor let me in." It was his mother. So he didn't have to hear her, he put in a Green Day cd and turned it on as loud as the speakers would go. He was so angry, all the anger for his brothers that he had kept welled up inside of him suddenly came out. He screamed louder, but nothing could be heard over the blaring music. Wildly he looked around the room. His eyes were slits and his face was twisted in pure rage. He grabbed the first thing he could, Zac's comic book he had on his bed, and started ripping it to shreds. After that was finished he crushed the massive lego castle that his brother's had built. Then he turned angrily to the closet and started throwing out every piece of clothing his brother's owned onto the floor. Once that was done he turned around and was going over to the other side of the bed to find what he could destroy there when he tripped over something. Taylor went flying, he turned around to see what had made him fall. It was Zac's baseball bat, an evil grin crept across his face. Quickly he picked it up, yelling his head off he smashed everything in sight. Pieces of shattered cd's went flying every where. After an hour of demolishing everything with the bat, he dropped it and looked over at the walls which were decorated in souviners from every concert they had ever done. Tay was so angry he couldn't stop himself. He was so mad that they could keep ignoring him, and that they made the band fall apart. He ripped the posters off of the wall and tore them in half. Grabbing the backstage passes which were hanging from a nail he flung them across the room. "How could you do this to me?" He screamed. By now his throat was getting raw with all the screaming. But he didn't even notice. "I'm your brother!! We're supposed to be friends!! What happened? What did I ever do to you? I don't understand.. I don't understand.." He trailed off as his voice got quieter. Slumping down onto the sea of smashed cd's, paper, glass, and everything else you could think of, he looked for something he could destroy on the floor. Under Isaac's bed he saw his older brother's prized posetion. It was a shoe box filled with his art work. Ripping the shoe box apart he tore each drawing one by one into little peices. But he stopped when he saw a picture of all three of them. It looked liked the picture he had drawn of them. In the far right corner it had C.I.H Isaac's initials. It was perfectly drawn, it looked just like a snap shot. The picture stopped him dead in his tracks of tearing it apart. He couldn't move, it was like he was stunned. He ran his fingers over the drawing. Can't get enough can you?