It was hot and humid. Texas temperatures had been soaring for months. Scarce was the day when the mercury failed to reach 100. It was a day when ordinary folks would have stayed indoors, turned up the a/c and drank tall glasses of cool, refreshing lemonade.
But the Iolausian Amazons were not ordinary in any sense of the word.
Word had spread fast about the disappearance of The Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules. It was stolen several months ago, and the demi-god had endured much time without the divine tool he used to butter his toast. The big guy was not happy. In fact, as their blond visitor now told them in solemn tones, Hercules was becoming downright snippy.
The three Amazons sat around the campfire (yes, even in the 100-degree temperature) as they listed to Iolaus relate how his partner was none too thrilled with the theft of such a treasured tool.
"I mean, I guess I can understand why he's so upset," the hunter said in BonaDea's direction. "It's a very kewl butter knife. And we all know how Herc likes his toast."
Lanfear and Ceryndip looked at each other and nodded in agreement.
"Is the rumour true, then?" BonaDea asked. "Do you have an idea where the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules is being held?"
Iolaus looked serious for a moment, his blue eyes sparkling with determination.
"Yes. I know where it is."
"Where is it?" Lanfear prompted.
"Yes, tell us and we'll help you find it!" Ceryndip added, reaching for her own knife (battle, not butter).
"I couldn't ask you to risk your lives like that!" Iolaus stated firmly.
"Iolaus...you know we'd never stay behind while you took that chance," BonaDea said softly but firmly. She seemed to stare into his eyes for a long moment. "Where you go--I go."
Lanfear thumped her sister Amazon on the leg painfully.
"We go," BonaDea instantly amended.
Ceryndip stifled a giggle as Iolaus continued, a smile lighting up his face.
"Alright, if we're all going, I want you each to be very careful. This could be extremely dangerous. We must not overlook any detail. Organization is key."
At that moment, a flash of blue light appeared so unexpectedly that the group jumped.
"Did someone say organization?" Bwell asked, smiling broadly.
"Detail-oriented is my middle name," Jane said proudly, then laughed merrily at Iolaus' reaction to his image on her T-shirt. She sighed and declared: "Oh that man!"
Iolaus laughed. "Well, with two of the Barbarian Librarians here to help…what can go wrong?"
"Don't worry Iolaus," Bwell said. "No matter what happens, I'll cover your back."
"Speaking of covering your back," Lanfear interjected. "Where's Hercules? Shouldn't he be here to help?"
"Again, I'm afraid of what he might do, with the state of mind he's in and all," the hunter replied.
The five women nodded their agreement.
"So, where do we find the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules?" BonaDea asked Iolaus.
"Deep in the heart of Xenite territory--Threadgill's Temple and Restaurant…an edifice sacred to Xenites and ROCers everywhere."
In spite of themselves, the Amazons shivered at the hunter's words. (Yes, even in the 100-degree temperature.)
"This is the place," Iolaus said when they reached the entrance.
From inside they heard the noise and laughter of hundreds of Xenites and ROCers as they partook of a great feast in honor of their patron saints.
"Sounds like a party," Bwell observed.
"Yeah, one we're gonna crash," BonaDea answered, pulling her dagger from her belt.
"Easy 'Dea," the hunter said, guiding the knife back into the belt at the back of her waist. "We need the element of surprise. If we want to make it out alive AND get the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules...we must catch them off guard."
"So what's the plan Iolaus?" Jane asked.
Everyone waited with baited breath for the hunter to reply. The only sound was a great rumble from his stomach.
Lanfear gave him a sideways look and Ceryndip glanced dubiously at BonaDea.
"Hey! I'm hungry, OK?" Iolaus said in defense. "Besides, it's given me an idea."
"And what, pray tell, would that be?" BonaDea asked, hands on her hips.
"We eat!"
BonaDea swung open the door to the Temple. The place was packed with worshippers...all of them feasting on foods of tantalizing smells.
As the others followed her into the Temple, BonaDea was suddenly approached by a young Amazon with a scroll in her hands.
Feeling Iolaus grab her hand before she could grab her dagger, BonaDea managed a polite smile as the hunter requested food for them all.
The Xenite Amazon smiled as she led them through the Temple where they observed much merriment and wall-drawings of their patron saints. Lanfear recognized a sketch of one of the Ancient Ones, Johannos Travoltacus, encased in glass hanging on the wall. But as she reached out to touch it, it jumped out at her and nearly crashed to the ground. 'Curses!' she thought. 'That better not be an omen!'
Finally the Xenite Amazon motioned for the group to take their seats at a long wooden table with benches on either side. Parchments were placed in front of them that listed the food items for that day's feast. They sat warily as the Amazon explained the special items of food that had been brought in from other lands and were available for that day only.
"Well, we're in," Ceryndip said triumphantly when the Xenite Amazon left them to their decisions. "Now what do we do?"
"Yeah Iolaus," Jane joined in, "what's the next part of your plan?"
"I think I'm gonna get the meatloaf..." Iolaus replied, poring over the parchment.
"She means how are we going to get the Butter Knife!" BonaDea said as she picked up her parchment. "Ooooh, catfish!"
"Oh that man!" Jane chuckled happily as she and the others decided what to eat before they embarked on the battle for the Butter Knife.
Several courses later, when the hunter, Amazons and Barbarians had had their fill of many fine foods and drink, Iolaus announced: "I know exactly where the Butter Knife is."
"Where?" asked Bwell.
"How do you know?" Ceryndip questioned.
"Haven't you been watching?" Iolaus replied. "Every time one of the food servers brings something to our table, they come through that door."
The hunter pointed proudly in the direction behind and to the left of where they sat. Servers were continually passing in and out of that threshold.
"He's right," Lanfear said. "And look what else they brought us--besides food."
BonaDea held up the silver knife to the torchlight where it reflected oranges and yellows. "Butter knives."
"But none of these can be Hercules'," Bwell shrewdly pointed out. "They're much too small!"
"Exactly!" Iolaus beamed. "But I'll bet a hundred dinars that if we find where they keep these inferior knives...we will also find the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules."
BonaDea jumped as the Xenite Amazon approached and grasped the butter knife from her hand.
"Please, allow me to clear the table for you all," she continued with a smile and a wary eye. "I hope the food was to your liking?"
"Oh yeah," Iolaus replied. "The food here at Threadgill's Temple and Restaurant is fantastic!"
"We do our very best to serve our fellow Xenites and ROCers," she said pointedly, with a knowing glance at Jane's T-shirt. "And any...others...who might have need of a meal."
Just then another young Amazon came up beside the first and took the tray of dishes and silverware from her. Iolaus watched as she then disappeared through the door leading to the kitchen.
Lanfear, Ceryndip and BonaDea tossed several dinars on the table as Iolaus whispered to Jane and Bwell: "Don't worry. I've got it. I have a feeling they don't take credit cards."
Iolaus and the Amazons exchanged glances. They had to find a way into that kitchen.
"You know," Ceryndip ventured. "With food as wonderful as this, you must have a pretty amazing kitchen."
"Oh yes," Bwell added enthusiastically. "Your kitchen must be like a...uhm...shrine!"
"We'd love to see it," the hunter replied, giving the Amazon one of his best smiles and a wink for good measure.
"You want to see the kitchen?" the server asked, a little more suspicious than Iolaus would've liked to hear.
"We'd be honored," he said solemnly. 'Surely it has many treasures,' he added silently.
The Xenite Amazon stared at them for a few moments and then said, "Sorry. Kitchen's off limits to patrons." With that, she turned and walked away.
"Now what?" BonaDea asked with a sigh.
"We improvise," the hunter said as he leapt from the bench and seeing the empty table beside them, he pulled off the white tablecloth and wrapped it around his waist in the manner of the other servers they had seen.
"What are you doing?" Jane asked, joining the others who had gathered around the hunter as he surreptitiously began to make his way toward the threshold.
"I'm not taking no for an answer, that's for sure."
"Oh that man!" Jane said in a deep throaty voice.
Lanfear elbowed her back to reality.
"What can we do to help?" Ceryndip asked, hand at her knife.
"You and BonaDea come with me," the hunter replied motioning to the Amazons. "We'll need you as well Lanfear. Something tells me we're going to have to fight our way through there."
"What about us, Iolaus. We want to help too!" Bwell said, a gleam of determination in her green eyes.
"I need you and Jane to stay out here and be ready," Iolaus explained. "When the party starts in there, it won't take long before the other Xenite Amazons try to storm the kitchen. You have to keep them out. The four of us can only handle so many."
Bwell and Jane nodded.
"Don't worry," Jane promised. "No one will make it in that door."
"I just hope that we make it out," Iolaus muttered as he slowly pushed open the door with the three Amazons close behind.
"So where do we start looking?" BonaDea asked as they casually made their way through the bustling kitchen.
"They wouldn't be using the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules as part of their silverware," Iolaus thought out loud.
"The fools!" Lanfear swore under her breath. "They wouldn't dare! That knife is only fit to butter the bread of a demi-god!"
"My guess is that they have it on display somewhere," the hunter finished.
"Yes, gloating over their apparent victory," BonaDea purred as she grabbed up a round silver platter, trying to blend in with the other servers. "Well, they won't be gloating for long. Let's find that knife and get the Tartarus outta here."
Everyone agreed and they made their way further into the Xenite kitchen.
"No, I think most of the Xenites and ROCers are deep in conversation about subtext and possible episode references as proof," Bwell answered lightly. "We should be safe...until--"
"Until what?" Jane prompted nervously.
"Until those Xenite food servers want to get into the kitchen."
Jane followed Bwell's gaze across the room and spotted the four Amazons, carrying trays piled high with dishes slowly converging on them.
Everyone quickly followed Ceryndip as she made her way past a huge wooden table in the center of the kitchen. It was laid out with every culinary craft imaginable along with gleaming silverware and long-stemmed glasses. It was one of the largest food preparation areas any of them had ever seen. And suspended high above the table in a glass cube was the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules.
"Let me guess," BonaDea replied as they all gazed upwards. "It's the inspiration for their gastronomic goodies."
"Nice try, but no."
The voice caused them all to spin around and look behind them. At least a dozen Xenite Amazons and food servers stood watching them with battle lust in their eyes.
"The Mighty Butter of Knife of Hercules is not so much an inspiration as it is a trophy," the tallest of the Amazons spoke once more. "But today, it is the harbinger of your demise! In the names of Xena and Gabby--charge!!"
"Move aside or we revoke the free dessert coupons!" one of them shouted defiantly.
"Ooooh, they're playing dirty!" Jane muttered, as she felt around in her purse for the coveted coupon. Then her hand came upon something else, and her brilliant plan began to take shape.
Bwell watched her friend and could tell by her expression that she had a plan.
"Bwell?" Jane said calmly.
"Yeah?"
"Point and shoot!"
And with that the two whipped out their disposable cameras and sent an assault of flashing lights toward their enemy. The flashes were unrelenting and nearly fatal to the inexperienced eyes of the Amazons who'd never posed for a Polaroid before.
The Xenite Amazons screamed in horror as they dropped the trays and their hands flew up to protect their eyes as the din and crash of broken dishes ricocheted around the room.
"Thank goodness I decided to go for the 27-exposure model!" Jane exclaimed as they continued to assail the Amazons with blinding, flashing lights.
Lanfear was keeping two Amazons busy as she backed them against the wall with a flurry of kicks and punches. Ceryndip was engaged in dagger fight with the tall Amazon who had called the charge, while Iolaus confused and conquered several with agile, athletic moves and the prowess with which he maneuvered his sword. BonaDea, her knife at the ready, slowly circled the wicked-looking Amazon who waved an equally wicked-looking short-sword in her face.
The leader of the Xenite Amazons called out, her eyes never leaving Ceryndip or her dagger: "Fools! All of you! To think that you could just waltz in here and take the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules!"
"Like you did?" Ceryndip spat out defiantly and spun under the taller woman's arm just in time to avoid the slash of her dagger.
Iolaus had just finished off two more of the servers when he ran across the room and barreled into the Amazon who was creeping up behind BonaDea, who ducked and sidestepped her aggressor as the hunter planted his feet on the chest of the approaching Amazon knocking her to the floor unconscious. The diversion was just enough for BonaDea to surprise her attacker with a roundhouse kick to the chin which sent her sprawling to the floor as well.
"Thanks," BonaDea muttered under breath that was coming in quick gasps.
"No problem," Iolaus replied as he spun around, his back to BonaDea's as they were both faced with new enemies.
"Mwahahaahhaha!" the maniacal laughter of the lead Amazon rang throughout the kitchen. "You'll never survive! I'll get you! I'll get you all!!!"
"Say cheese Miss Amazon Psycho!"
The Amazon leader spun around at the tap on her shoulder.
"Aggggggghhhhhhh!" she screamed as Jane's camera flashed like lightning in her eyes. "Curses! I can't see!"
"That's the whole point honey," Jane assured her in sweet tones.
"Thanks Jane!" Ceryndip smiled as she turned and put another server out of commission.
"What a terrific idea!" Lanfear exclaimed as she rushed to Jane's side. "Where's Bwell?"
"She should be along any minute. She was right behind me."
"Here she comes!" Ceryndip called as she motioned to Bwell racing down the long kitchen corridor.
Glancing up towards the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules in its glass prison, she flung the platter through the air with all the strength she had left. It whistled and hissed as it cut through the air and when it finally crashed into the glass cube it shattered in a myriad of colorful specks.
"Hmmph," BonaDea observed triumphantly. "Chakram-shmakram!"
Freed of its prison, the Mighty Butter Knife of Hercules fell heavily towards the table and embedded itself between the cornbread stuffing and the yellow squash. BonaDea leapt onto the table after it.
Iolaus was just knocking out the last light on his attacker when a beautiful, bejeweled dagger slid across the floor catching his attention. As the Amazon fell to a heap, the hunter followed the sparkling dagger, unaware that its owner was waiting in the shadows to catch him in a vulnerable position.
He was just about to reach down for the dagger when he heard Bwell's cry.
"No Iolaus!" she yelled, watching as the unseen attacker crept from the shadows, sword raised high above her head. "Iolaus! Don't bend over!"
Iolaus jerked his head up and spun around just in time to block the thrust and then flipped the Amazon over his back and onto the floor. "It's not nice to sneak up on people like that!"
BonaDea groaned as she pulled the heavy knife from the oak table. She then leapt down from the table, where Iolaus grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the threshold.
"C'mon, let's blow this joint!" the hunter exclaimed as Lanfear and Jane ran for the exit.
Ceryndip and Bwell quickly followed him and BonaDea out the kitchen door. They expertly sidestepped all the half-blinded Amazons who still lay writhing on the floor, and were soon out of the Temple and safely in the forest.
When Jane and Bwell reluctantly decided that they should be returning to their own time, there were tears and tight embraces and grateful words of thanks.
"We always did make a great team, didn't we?" BonaDea smiled as she pulled back from Bwell.
"We have to do this again real soon," Bwell replied, a slight catch in her voice. "But under less...stressful...circumstances."
Iolaus laughed softly as he approached Bwell. "You, my dear Barbarian Librarian, you saved my life."
A blush crept over Bwell's cheeks, but she said proudly, "I know any of you would have done the same if it had been me."
"Still," the hunter said in a deep voice as he pulled the Librarian into his arms. "I want to say thank you."
Bwell closed her eyes and sighed as Iolaus kissed her gently on the lips. "You're welcome..." she murmured when he broke the kiss.
"Always the charmer," said BonaDea, rolling her eyes as Iolaus giggled again.
With a last goodbye, Jane and Bwell disappeared in a swirl of blue light.
"That is so kewl!" Iolaus replied, folding his arms across his chest. He then turned to face the Amazons. "I really owe you guys. I don't think I could've done this without you."
"You're welcome, curly," Lanfear purred as she mischievously ran her fingers through the hunter's blond locks. "I'll always be here for my sisters...and brother. However, I have, at the moment, an extremely eager hunter waiting for me back at my hut, and I fear I've left him alone too long already!"
With a devious wink, Lanfear disappeared through the foliage.
"Yeah, I need to get back to the village as well," Ceryndip admitted, pulling Iolaus into a bear hug. "Despite the life-threatening situation, I had a great time!"
Iolaus returned her hug and agreed, "We certainly do know how to keep ourselves entertained, don't we?"
"Give Herc my best," Ceryndip said and with a wave of her hand she too was on the trail back to the Amazon village.
"So 'Dea, looks like it's just you and me," the hunter said as he took hold of BonaDea's hand and pulled her toward him.
"I really should get back to the village," the Amazon said. "My sisters will worry if I don't return."
Iolaus' blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight.
"I think they're all pretty sure that you can take care of yourself," he laughed softly as he reached up to caress her cheek.
BonaDea smiled and what little resistance she had against the hunter was gone with the breeze that played with the waves in her hair. She simply let herself melt into him.
"What about Hercules' Mighty Butter Knife?" she asked, her head on his shoulder.
Holding her tighter he kissed the top of her head and said, "He's been without his toast this long--he can wait a little longer."
As the hunter and the Amazon snuggled by the campfire, the air seemed lighter and the stars brighter. There was peace again throughout the land, and it would be a joyful breakfast for a certain demi-god.
The End
**I want to send out special thanks to Lanfear, Jane, Ceryndip and Bwell. I love you guys, and I had so much fun in Austin! I can't wait 'til we get together again. I hope you and everyone else enjoyed the story. As for me ending up with Iolaus, well, it *is* my story! I'm sure you each would have done the same!
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