February 25, 2002

Genesis

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, and that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day...And eons of days passed until one such day that beget an invention called the Internet. And God saw that it was both good and bad. And then came one lonely web page. And God said, Let there be more such web pages, so that one might come to know useless facts about celebrities and view live porn from the privacy of one's own home. And God saw the celebrity fan sites and all the internet porn sites (even the kinky ones), and that it was good. And God checked his e-mail that night and discovered that he had been put on over 3000 mailing lists for teen porn, free vacations, and internet lottos. And then came the Rapture.

Welcome. This is the first day. You are seeing the beginning of what I hope becomes a massive project that will lead to international fame and fortune. Let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

February 26, 2002

Gym Memberships

I'm taking a poll. It's incredibly unofficial. I'm not even going to tabulate the results (because I don't know how).

Do you own a gym membership?
yes no

Do you actually go to said gym to workout on a regular basis (at least twice a week).
yes (liar) no

Okay, so the submit button doesn't actually do anything. What did you expect? I'm new at this.

I have a gym membership that I never use. I went the first week, then I just stopped. Some might call that “lack of motivation” or “laziness,” I call it...um, laziness was actually pretty accurate.

I thought that it would be fun to get into shape. I pictured myself wearing slinky clothes. Going to a bar and having every man's eyes glued to my taut, muscular (but feminine) body. I imagined every women there would be jealous of the way I drew their boyfriends attention away from them. I was the princess in the fairy tale.

No, I was the chick in the sloppy workout gear that left after 30 minutes on the stairmaster. Five minutes later, I was the sweaty chick in the grocery store standing in front of the Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream display. Ten minutes after that I was the chick sitting on her couch watching Win Ben Stein's Money while eating Chunky Monkey ice cream.

A couple years go by, and here I am. Still look the same, still eat Chunky Monkey, still watch Win Ben Stein's Money, but now I'm all that and $40 poorer a month. Because even though I don't go to the gym anymore, I still have to pay for the damn membership. What a rip.

 

February 27, 2002

Virtual Model

This is my digital image. Wow, I'm hot. I mean, sure, I'm a little on the chubby side but in that “Rubenesque” way. My breasts are round and perky. My stomach is flat. My thighs, dear God, my thighs don't even touch! I don't have one single ounce of visible cellulite on my body. I'm...I'm like a fertility goddess.

The first thing I did after this image came up on the screen was run to the bathroom and strip down to my skivvies. I wanted to see how I compared to my virtual model. I'd say that the model is certainly more flattering than reality.

Then inspiration struck. If I can make a model of myself, I can just make up other virtual models and then play with them. It's like having barbies again. Only these can be fat! Stay tuned for the adventures of the Virtual Models...

If you would like to create your own virtual model go to My Virtual Model.

I have to thank NotMyDesk for the link. Check out his website! It's kickass.

 

February 28, 2002

Virtual Nightmare

After playing with my virtual model, I found that only one store was actually able to work properly. That site was WeddingChannel.com That is when I realized the truly horrific potential of the models: to scare the shit out of the guy you are dating. That's right. You can put a virtual wedding dress on and then e-mail him the picture. If you have even rudimentary Photoshop skills like me, you can even add in some bride's maids. Check out the picture below.

It's too bad that I don't have a boyfriend. I could just show him this picture the next time I wanted to be alone for a while. Of course, it could backfire on me. He could get really freaked out and not come back...which would put me right where I am now: single and trying on virtual wedding dresses for no reason.

 

March 1. 2002

Returning the meat...

I hate being poor. Right now, in my checking account, I have $1.31. I don't know how it happens. I get paid, I have tons of money, the weekend happens and then suddenly, I'm broke. Generally I'm able to stretch my paycheck until I get my next one. Not this time, though. This time, by the end of the first weekend I had $15.00 in the bank. And I still hadn't budgeted groceries or gas for the next 11 days. I figure that if I don't go anywhere gas would be about $10. That meant I have $5 left over for food consumption. This wouldn't do, I have to think of ways to get more money.

I look around my apartment. After a quick search through my penny jar, I find 6 quarters. Score! I am now up to $6.50. Still not enough, so I keep searching. Finding no more spare change around the apartment, I then look around at what I can sell, or pawn.

My mini-stereo that my mom bought me for Christmas two years ago? It's a piece of crap and I can always play my CD's on my computer. But then I thought that maybe I should hold onto it for sentimental reasons, or at least wait until I have a better excuse to give my mom for pawning it.

Aha! My CD's! I can sell them to Vintage Vinyl for cold, hard, glorious cash. I'd done it before in a similar circumstance. The problem now was deciding which CD's to sell. I'd already picked through them once and now the pickin's were slim. After about three passes through the collection, I manage to skim 10 CD's. I could have taken more but I have some CD's that I don't want anyone to know I bought in the first place: like my New Kid's On The Block Greatest Hits CD.

I take my booty to Vintage Vinyl and, after rejecting more than half of my sacrifical offering, they give me $20. Now the total comes to $26.50. This should do, but barely.

I go to the grocery store and buy my food and my dog's food. The total comes to around $22.00. Maybe I should realize that bottled water isn't exactly a necessity in a situation like mine. Well, you know what they say,“You can take the snob out of the money but not expect that snob to show some sense when it comes to purchasing something that anyone can get for free.” I think that's how the saying goes. Anyway, I am left with roughly $4.00.

Three days before my next paycheck, I run out of food. Back at the grocery store, I spend the last four dollars on cheese and ground pork (because I don't like ground hamburger). This should tide me over.

Now we get to the part that relates to the title. Sorry for the long, and probably unnecessary, intro.

I get home with the ground pork and cheese. I'm making me some cheeseburgers tonight! The first bite into the cheeseburger and I know something is wrong. This doesn't taste like pork. In fact, this didn't even cook like pork. This tastes more like (gasp) beef! Aarrrrrrggghhh!!! I hate beef! That's why I get pork instead. The people in the meat department have made a mistake. Or maybe I've made a mistake. Did I get hamburger meat by accident? I check the label. Nope, it says Ground Pork, plain as day.

Well now what do I do? I hate hamburger meat but I don't have anything else to eat. I don't have enough money to go buy more ground pork. I'm stuck. Then I think, “Well, it's not my fault they mislabeled the food. Why should I have to suffer? That's it. I'm sick of being kicked around. I'm taking the hamburger meat back!” I gather what is left of my hamburger meat package in a grocery bag, get in my car, and drive to the store. The drive to the store is about five minutes long. Five minutes is just about how long it takes me to become embarrassed that I am about to return half a package of ground meat. But I must persevere. I must do this for every person that got pickles on their hamburger when they specifically said no pickles and didn't have the guts or energy to take it back and demand that it be made right. I'm on a mission.

Inside the store with my bag of meat, I freeze again. Where exactly is the "Meat Returning Counter?" Do I take it to the meat department and explain? Maybe they will just exchange it for me. The other option is the check cashing counter. It doesn't say anything about product return. Although it doesn't not say anything about product return. Since the check cashing counter is closest to the exit, it seems like the best choice.

I get up to the lady behind the counter and hand her my grocery bag of ground pork. The conversation goes something like this:

Me: Hi. Um, I bought this pork and I don't think it's pork. I think it's beef. Um, I don't normally do this...God, I'm so embarrassed...but could, maybe, I, ummm, exchange it?

Cashier Lady: Did you bring a receipt?

Me: Well, ummm, no. See, I wasn't expecting to have to return it so I didn't exactly save the receipt. Sorry. But I swear I got it here, you can tell cause the store name is on the package. Is, uh, that okay?

Cashier Lady: Did you want cash?

Me: Oh, okay.

So that was it. She rings it through and returns my whopping $2.46 to me. Which I then take directly to the meat counter to buy more ground pork. It's a victory for American citizens everywhere.