JOKES (CHILD SAFE)

11-26-98
Please be patient while this site loads-you'll be glad you did!

If you have a good joke please feel free to send it to me. Thanks!!

HIT HIM AGAIN An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the 5 yr. old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!". BLIND MAN There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas he decided to visit a bar. When he got to the bar he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the restroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right". The blind man headed for the restroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't Flush, don't flush!" UGLY A woman gets on a bus holding a baby and the bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the fare box and takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. A man seated next to her senses that she's agitated and asks her what's wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumes. The man sympathizes and says, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," the woman says, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man replies, "Here, let me hold your monkey." A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed? "The clerk tells him, "no, we don't carry it." The duck says "Okay" and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says "No." and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says,"I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!" The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" Clerk says, "No." The duck says, "Got any duck feed?"

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

HOT IN TEXAS For those of you who have been in Texas in the summer for any length of time, you will be able to appreciate and relate to these. For those of you who have NOT been in Texas in the summer, realize how lucky you are!!! It's so hot in Texas, the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. It's so hot in Texas, the potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. It's so dry in Texas, the cows are giving evaporated milk. It's so dry in Texas, the trees are whistlin' for the dogs. It's so hot that the farmers are feeding the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain -- not so much for me, I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old." A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood" the visitor replied. "Well," he rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches during that spell. You know you're in Texas when... You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water... You can say 110 degrees without fainting... You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off... You can make sun tea instantly... You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron... You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car... You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance... Hotter water comes from the cold water tap... It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out in the streets... You actually burn your hand opening the car door... No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"? You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was scared that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did? A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond. It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it", she said. "What's the curse?" he asked. "Mr. Klopman". Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up? I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?" One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the town of Columbia got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am? "The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." MORE JOKES-PG 2 KID STUFF
GENEALOGY PAGE

Thanks for Visiting!

You are visitor since 10-5-98!!