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If you have a good joke please feel free to send it to me. Thanks!! Warning- some of my jokes may contain offensive language!!!

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language." Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." "For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us." "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen."
I cannot see. I cannot pee.
I cannot chew. I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks. My hearing stinks.
No sense of smell. I look like hell.
My body's drooping. Got trouble pooping.
So, the Golden Years have come at last?
Well, the Golden Years can kiss my ass!

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as i can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this crap. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She measured carefully and ended up shooting herself in the left kneecap.
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls.It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could control his laughter he said: "Lady, I said to give each doll two test tickles."
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the 5 yr. old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!".
An Italian family moved to the country. One afternoon, the mom and her son were driving by a field of cattle. "Momma, what's that?" asked the boy. "That's a bull," she said. "No, no, what's that under the bull?" "Oh, no", she said, embarrassed. "That's nothing." The next week, the little boy was again out for a ride, this time with his father. When they passed the field, he again asked what that was. Poppa said, "Oh, that's a bull." "No, no," said the boy. "What's that under the bull?" "Oh," Poppa said. "Well, that's the bull's penis." "But Poppa", the boy said, "Momma said that it was nothing." "Well," Poppa said, "You're Momma...She's a spoiled."
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas he decided to visit a bar. When he got to the bar he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the restroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right". The blind man headed for the restroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't Flush, don't flush!"
There are these two ladies sitting next to each other on a plane. One is from the north, and one is from the south. The lady from the south turns to the lady from the north and says, "So where are y'all from?" The lady from the north says, "We are from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with prepositions." The flight continues for about an hour when the lady from the south says, "So, where are y'all from, bitch?"
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby and the bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the fare box and takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. A man seated next to her senses that she's agitated and asks her what's wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumes. The man sympathizes and says, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," the woman says, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man replies, "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me! "Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk?" "But Dad", Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

A man travelng by plane was in urgent need of a restroom, but each one he tried was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his discomfort, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. He nodded, hurriedly shut the folding door and sat down. After a few minutes he was able to relax and look around the little room. He noticed that next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively:
His curiosity got the best of him. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded the flight attendant's warning and carefully pressed the WW button. Immediately a gentle flush of warm water sprayed his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature warm air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha," he thought. "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with this kind of service." So he pushed the next button, PP, with pleasant anticipation. A soft disposable powder puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc."Man, this is great!" he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. In some confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He told her that the last thing he remembered was experiencing intense pain in the ladies room of the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having the time of your life until you pushed the "Automatic Tampon Removal" button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar in New York City and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, ma'am I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses and mending fences---I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she did. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A painter was commissioned to do a painting of Custer's last minutes, what he was thinking or feeling. He came back with a painting of hills and a lake in the foreground with an angelic looking fish jumping out of the water and all these indians on the hills having sex. They were puzzled and asked the painter to explain. He said, "Well, I figure Custer's last thought was "holy mackeral, where did all these indians come from!"
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" But the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me". "Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten? "The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten? The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the others, ten was sufficient, and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?". The donkey said yes he could. This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained."I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

THE BOBBIT HILLBILLIES (Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies") Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his dong with a kitchen carving knife. Penis, that is. Clean Cut. Missed his nuts. Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend And tossed him out the window as she went around a bend. Curve, that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed over there To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence. Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong! A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need" And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed. Whizzed, that is. Even seam. Straight stream. Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court With a half-assed lawyer, 'cause his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is. Unexposed. Case Closed. Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear? HOT IN TEXAS
For those of you who have been in Texas in the summer for any length of time, you will be able to appreciate and relate to these. For those of you who have NOT been in Texas in the summer, realize how lucky you are!!! It's so hot in Texas, the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. It's so hot in Texas, the potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. It's so dry in Texas, the cows are giving evaporated milk. It's so dry in Texas, the trees are whistlin' for the dogs. It's so hot that the farmers are feeding the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain -- not so much for me, I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old." A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood" the visitor replied. "Well," he rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches during that spell. You know you're in Texas when... You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water... You can say 110 degrees without fainting... You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off... You can make sun tea instantly... You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron... You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car... You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance... Hotter water comes from the cold water tap... It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out in the streets... You actually burn your hand opening the car door... No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"? You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," the old lady said shyly, "What do you say, should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "I'm not surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week". So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.The guy mentions none of this to the girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal gorgeous breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "you're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "look at this, it's still in the CRATE"!

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond. It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it", she said. "What's the curse?" he asked. "Mr. Klopman".

Little Johnny watched, fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up". A gay man stood up and said "I did". The preacher told him "since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns." excitedly, the gay guy said, "well I'll take him and him and him".
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the town of Columbia got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am? "The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A couple has been married for 15 years. One afternoon, as they are pulling weeds, the husband says with typical male endearing charm, "Hey, Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." Feeling he needed to prove his point, he gets a yardstick, measured the grill and then measures his wife's butt. "Yep, he says, "just what thought. Just about the same size." The wife, for some unknown reason, is incensed and decides to let him do the gardening alone. She goes inside the house and refuses to speak to her husband the rest of the day. When they go to bed that evening, the husband cuddles up to her and says, "How about it, Honey? How about a little lovemaking? The wife rolls over and turns her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asks. To which she replies, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue When you are married.....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public When you are dating..... A Single bed for two isn't THAT bad When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together When you are married ....You wonder who will die first When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy" When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood" When you are married ....He says "It's your job." When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare When you are dating..... He calls you by name When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."



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