10-21-99 Please be patient while this site loads-you'll be glad you did!
If you have a good joke please feel free to send it to me. Thanks!! Warning- some of my jokes may contain offensive language!!!
A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her
son playing with his new electric train in the living
room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of
you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now
'cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of
bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train
'cause we're leaving." The mother went into the living
room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your
room for two hours. When you come out you may play with
your train. But I want you to use nice language." Two
hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and
mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with
us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon." "For those of you
just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under
your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the
club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us." "And for those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the
I cannot see. I cannot pee. I cannot chew. I cannot screw. My memory shrinks. My hearing stinks. No sense of smell. I look like hell. My body's drooping. Got trouble pooping. So, the Golden Years have come at last? Well, the Golden Years can kiss my ass!
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough
neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other
about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot
of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the
second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on
my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes
down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty
times to work up an appetite, and then make off with
the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of
sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the
bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well
when I see rat poison, I collect as much as i can, take
it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my
coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for
the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second
mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets
out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have
time for this crap. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done
everything and the time had come to depart from this
world. After considering various methods of doing away
with herself, she came to the conclusion that the
quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself
through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain
about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her
doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was
located two inches below her left nipple. She measured
carefully and ended up shooting herself in the left
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory
where they made the "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls.It was Friday
and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told
her to report for work on Monday and then explained she
would be stationed on the assembly line just before the
dolls were packed into boxes. Monday they started up the
line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down
because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down
the line to find the problem. The new employee was very
busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls
waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was
sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the
appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could
control his laughter he said: "Lady, I said to give each
doll two test tickles."
HIT HIM AGAIN
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to
deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no
electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home
except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old
child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern
high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver
the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after
a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by
the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
take his first breath. "Hit him again," the 5 yr. old
said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first
An Italian family moved to the country. One afternoon,
the mom and her son were driving by a field of cattle.
"Momma, what's that?" asked the boy. "That's a bull,"
she said. "No, no, what's that under the bull?" "Oh,
no", she said, embarrassed. "That's nothing." The next
week, the little boy was again out for a ride, this time
with his father. When they passed the field, he again
asked what that was. Poppa said, "Oh, that's a bull."
"No, no," said the boy. "What's that under the bull?"
"Oh," Poppa said. "Well, that's the bull's penis." "But
Poppa", the boy said, "Momma said that it was nothing."
"Well," Poppa said, "You're Momma...She's a spoiled."
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and
said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to
him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he
finally arrived in Texas he decided to visit a bar.
When he got to the bar he ordered a beer and got a mug
placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs
are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in
Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked
the bartender where the restroom was located. The
bartender replied, "Second door to the right". The
blind man headed for the restroom, but accidentally
tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he
entered the third door, which lead to the swimming
pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to
death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't Flush,
There are these two ladies sitting next to each other
on a plane. One is from the north, and one is from the
south. The lady from the south turns to the lady from
the north and says, "So where are y'all from?" The lady
from the north says, "We are from a place where we do
NOT end our sentences with prepositions." The flight
continues for about an hour when the lady from the
south says, "So, where are y'all from, bitch?"
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby and the bus driver
says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a
huff, the woman slams her fare into the fare box and
takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. A man
seated next to her senses that she's agitated and asks
her what's wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she
fumes. The man sympathizes and says, "Why, he's a
public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers." "You're right," the woman says, "I think
I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man replies, "Here, let me
hold your monkey."
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a
black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how
many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the
other boys?" But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all
in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my
teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her
butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she
hit me! "Johnny", the father said. You don't do those
kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day
Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk?"
"But Dad", Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we
were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and
my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of
her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it
and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she
doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
A man travelng by plane was in urgent need of a restroom,
but each one he tried was occupied. The flight attendant,
aware of his discomfort, suggested he use the attendants'
ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the
buttons. He nodded, hurriedly shut the folding door and
sat down. After a few minutes he was able to relax and
look around the little room. He noticed that next to the
paper roll were four buttons marked respectively:
His curiosity got the best of him. Making the mistake
so many men make of not listening to a woman, he
disregarded the flight attendant's warning and carefully
pressed the WW button. Immediately a gentle flush of
warm water sprayed his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow,
these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly
he pressed the WA button. Body temperature warm air blew
across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha," he
thought. "No wonder these women take so long in the
bathroom with this kind of service." So he pushed the
next button, PP, with pleasant anticipation. A soft
disposable powder puff swung below him and dusted his
bottom lightly with talc."Man, this is great!" he thought
as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in
the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. In some
confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was
and what had happened. He told her that the last thing he
remembered was experiencing intense pain in the ladies
room of the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must
have been having the time of your life until you pushed
the "Automatic Tampon Removal" button. By the way, your
penis is under your pillow."
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat,
jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar in New York City and
ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a
young woman sat down next to him. After she ordered her
drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a
real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, ma'am I have
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking
horses and mending fences---I guess I am." After a short
while he asked her what she did. She replied, "I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I
eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think
of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy
ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I
always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
A painter was commissioned to do a painting of Custer's
last minutes, what he was thinking or feeling. He came
back with a painting of hills and a lake in the
foreground with an angelic looking fish jumping out of
the water and all these indians on the hills having sex.
They were puzzled and asked the painter to explain. He
said, "Well, I figure Custer's last thought was "holy
mackeral, where did all these f...ing indians come from!"
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he
called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of
normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years
of normal sex life?" But the Lord was very adamant, that
was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey
and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty
years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me". "Man spoke
up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten? "The monkey
graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and
gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey
wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the
other ten? The lion said of course he could. Then came
the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the
others, ten was sufficient, and again man pleaded, "Can
I have the other ten?". The donkey said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex
life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of
lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went
down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on
the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and
said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to
Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you
food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round
her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll
keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did
she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every
night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three
weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?" the
Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the
sailors," she explained."I get food and a trip to Europe,
and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain
said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
THE BOBBIT HILLBILLIES
(Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with a kitchen carving knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub. In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed over there
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is.
By a fence. Evidence.
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.
Whizzed, that is.
Even seam. Straight stream.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to
With a half-assed lawyer, 'cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.
Video, that is.
Unexposed. Case Closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?
HOT IN TEXAS
For those of you who have been in Texas in the summer for
any length of time, you will be able to appreciate and
relate to these. For those of you who have NOT been in
Texas in the summer, realize how lucky you are!!!
It's so hot in Texas, the birds have to use pot holders
to pull worms out of the ground.
It's so hot in Texas, the potatoes cook underground and
all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and
add butter, salt and pepper.
It's so dry in Texas, the cows are giving evaporated milk.
It's so dry in Texas, the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.
It's so hot that the farmers are feeding the chickens
crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain -- not so
much for me, I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out
here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes it does. Do you
remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40
days and 40 nights?" "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood"
the visitor replied. "Well," he rancher puffed up, we got
about two and a half inches during that spell.
You know you're in Texas when...
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...
You can say 110 degrees without fainting...
You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off...
You can make sun tea instantly...
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to
drive your car...
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance...
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap...
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not
one person is out in the streets...
You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"?
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning
when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think,
honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she
replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old
man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay
birds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," the old
lady said shyly, "What do you say, should we?" Whereupon
the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were
fifty years ago." "I'm not surprised," replied the old
man. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball
right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the
ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to
the doctor. "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in
every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your
penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay next week". So he took four tongue
depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and
wired it all together; an impressive work of art.The guy
mentions none of this to the girl, marries and goes on
their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips
open her blouse to reveal gorgeous breasts. This was the
first time he saw them. She said, "you're the first, no
one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his
pants and says, "look at this, it's still in the CRATE"!
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just
know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket
pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My
husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a
condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with
my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to
him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning
diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond. It is beautiful, but there
is a terrible curse that goes with it", she said.
"What's the curse?" he asked. "Mr. Klopman".
Little Johnny watched, fascinated as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he
asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who
then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the
matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old
son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the
shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy,
what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died
and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment
and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
The church service was under way and they passed the
collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill
in the collection plate, he stopped the service and
announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate
please stand up". A gay man stood up and said "I did".
The preacher told him "since you put that money in the
plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
excitedly, the gay guy said, "well I'll take him and him
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the
town of Columbia got up early and went to the local
church. Before the services started, the townspeople
were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives,
their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
front of the church. Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit,
so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who
I am? "The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked,
"Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the
man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
THE BIG GAS GRILL
A couple has been married for 15 years. One afternoon,
as they are pulling weeds, the husband says with typical
male endearing charm, "Hey, Honey, you're getting fat.
Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas
grill now." Feeling he needed to prove his point, he
gets a yardstick, measured the grill and then measures
his wife's butt. "Yep, he says, "just what thought. Just
about the same size." The wife, for some unknown reason,
is incensed and decides to let him do the gardening
alone. She goes inside the house and refuses to speak to
her husband the rest of the day. When they go to bed
that evening, the husband cuddles up to her and says,
"How about it, Honey? How about a little lovemaking?
The wife rolls over and turns her back to him, giving
him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asks. To
which she replies, "You don't think I'm going to fire up
this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
MARRIED vs. DATING
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married.....You make sure there's
nothing flammable near your husband at all times
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack,
and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in
When you are dating..... A Single bed for two isn't
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like
an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the
sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to
yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have
sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks
by you for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any
chance he gets
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you
together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes
you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you
want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper"
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as
a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating..... He understands if you
"aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you
have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out
to steal you away
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss"
When you are married ....He develops a "blank"
When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and
refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
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