What is in a size? This question has been in my mind and thoughts almost all of the time. I am trying to understand something, in my life, and not getting it. I have met a great many P/people on the net in the 4 years, I have been chatting, C/T and R/T.
When O/one chats with O/others on the net, there are a few things that runs though O/ones mind, what does the O/other looks like, is H/he or S/she single or divorced, kids and etc. But, for S/some, the What does, this O/other look like is the most asked question! Is H/he or S/she over weight or thin, black, white, hispanic, etc.
What ever happen to learning about O/one, H/his or H/hers personality, the inner beauty. But in today's society W/we have to fit into this Cindy Crawford mold, or W/we are not accepted. Society, has made it clear to A/all that being Obese, is bad thing. Or not looking like a Cindy Crawford type, you are not accepted. W/we have to look like stars to be accepted.
I know what some are thinking, damn She must be ugly to be writing something like this. Well I am going to be the first to say I am not beautiful, I am ME. I am not a model or shall i say a size 5, and even if i could be i wouldn't. I see F/friends of mine that are in the category, and that are the unhealthy, they are always striving to be thinner. Why is that, are you wanting to get so thin, to be unhealthy. I am ME you take me as I am. I did this to myself, but not without help.
I am going to tell Y/you a little story, you can stay and read it, or leave, makes no difference to me, but the O/ones that do stay and read, I hope my point is clear. In July of 97 i was at work, Something i did allot, anyway I was jumped from behind and beaten and raped. When I was found hours later, I was found with my wrist bound with duct tape, and I was messed up bad, in the ER i had no ID, so I was limited at what they could do. It wasn't' until a Deputy Sheriff Friend recognized me, then they started what they had to do. I went through the rape kit, and the pictures and stuff. I was realise the next day. I was scared to look in the mirror, for I know I felt bad, I can imagine what I looked like. At the time of my rape I weighed 175. At 5'5 i should of weighed 145, but with my large bone structure, that was a good weight for me. I got Home and walked in to seeing my face in a Mirror, I was horrorified at my site. I hated what I looked like, I hated what was done to me. I hated my life. I have two great kids, and I had to come home and try to explain it to them. I couldn't, so my ex, took them for me. The next few months, were hell for me. I mean Hell, I didn't go outside, had everyone bring things to me, but had to leave them on the porch, for no one but my family was aloud to see me. I was to have started therapy, but was afraid to go in public, so my only escape from reality was the internet, but there, was still no escape, still found Men that wanted cybersex, or phone sex, and would come and meet me if I was this size 5 Woman. I got worst, 3 months after the rape, I found out I was pregnant, I was devastated, I tried to commit suicide twice, and decided if i wanted to be left alone, I would make myself look ugly, then I would never have to worry about a man raping me again. Now, I had to figure out what I was going to do. I tried to have a abortion, but it wasn't in me, so I called a adoption agency, and I had decided it was the right thing to do. There went my figure even more so. In April of 1998, I delivered a 8lb baby boy. When I finally had him I looked at him, and couldn't give him up. By this time things got worst the men who raped and beat me, go off free, they had parents that had money, all they got was probation. I was devastated, for not only was I raped and beaten and scared, but I had a baby, and can't have anymore, for the damage they did to me, Those men got off and are walking around. So I was in a nightmare with no ending in site, so I made myself look ugly even more so. Then one Oct day in 1999, I realized, I wasn't happy with myself, Yes I am, overweight, BUT not ugly, So I started a radical diet, ended up in the hospital. Doctor told me "Samantha you need to take off some weight, but You are a One healthy over weight person, and I can't figure that Out." But Doctor V was right, I had to do it. I then realized I had to do it for ME, not for anyone else. For Me and Only ME. Well I ever be that 175 woman again. I am not sure, do I ever want to be. Probably not. I have to be Happy with me.. The inner ME, before i can be happy with the rest of ME.
I guess the point I am trying to make, is if Y/you are happy with O/ones self, then don't change that for A/anyone, that P/person. either accepts Y/you for Y/you. Let H/he or S/she go find that model type. Maybe Society will wise up one day and realize that Some of U/us that aren't this size 5 type, are happy, and why change U/us to fit into societies stereo type.
Please W/whom ever reads this, and finds T/themselves fitting in this category one way or another, Don't be sad or worry, for Y/you are not alone. *Huggies*
