May 13, 1999

Dear Diary,

I have completely lost it. Last night I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom becuase I went crazy. Awhile after I saw Abby in the mirror, I started seeing Tim. He tells me to do things, listens to me, the things he use to do when he was alive. It's like he's still alive.

Gosh, and Pacey was so upset becuase he thought that I was talking to some other guy in the kitchen. Oh, how he's worrying about me right now. I HATE doing this to him. I love him so much. But he shouldn't have to put up with a wacko for a girlfriend.

...but for some reason I shose him. Ti told me to choose. I swear, I was about to commit suicide right in that bathroom with Tim in there and Pacey and Jack outside the locked door. But I didn't. God, as much as I wanted to and be with Tim, who always made me feel so good about myself, I couldn't do that.

Of course not to Jack. I'd hate to lose 2 siblings in 3 years too. But I couldn't bring myself to do it to Pacey. He was out there begging me to come to him knowing what the alternative was. And he stuck by me the whole time. How many guys would keep a crazy as their girlfriend? But as much as Tim does, Pacey makes me feel good about myself too. He's constantly reminding me of what a slacker he use to be until I came along etc. And that makes me feel a bit better. That amoungst all my spells and mood swings. I accomplished something. And hearing him outside that door, close to tears, begging me to come out with him. To choose him. I couldn't do it. I could've grabbed a shard of glass, a razor, sleeping pills...anything...and just do it. I couldn't leave Pacey. We need each other too much.

So anyways, Tim is still here. Just not as much. I think he's mad at me becuase I didn't choose him, my own brother. Well that's too bad, I've moved on. Pacey's the new guy in my life. I mean Brown will always be there I know. But this seeing him everywhere is ridiculous.

And what the hell did I do to my hair?!

So Jack's downstair's with Pacey right now on the phone with Daddy. They're right. As much as I hate to admit it, I need help. And Pacey stayed with me all night long in a chair next to my bed, holding my hand. And for one night in a long time, I didn't have any nightmares. I actually slept. And doens't his parents care where he was? No, I suppose not. Jack's calling me. I guess Daddy wants to talk to his crazy daughter. This should be interesting. I wonder if Daddy will help especially after our little 'episode'. This is one crazy person signing off for now...