May 5, 1999

Dear Diary,

I should have known that my excellent day wouldn't last. The other day I found out tht Abby was drunk and fell off the dock. And it's all my fault.

Maybe not directly, but it sure feels like it. If I hadn't kicked Abby and Jen out of the wedding she may still be alive, and the whole town wouldn't be in mourning and I wouldn't be feeling like this. This guilt is so tremendous. It's uncanny and freaky. I don't know how to control it.

Everyone's so proud of my eulogy and cleaning up what Jen spilled out. And I should be proud of myself also considering it took a lot of searching to do that. But I feel dirty. It was my fault. I killed someone.

And now to make it worse, I was going to get Abby's wretched diary out of her room and when I looked in the mirror I swore I saw Abby dressed in the clothes that she was just buried in. I have an appointment with Marnie tomorrow. Should I tell her about that? I'm leaning towards no. I don['t want to be thrown into the nut house. Next thing I know I'm going to start seeing Tim. Oh god, if this goes on I can't handle it.

Pacey was so worried these last few days. And somehow I managed to keep a brave face. I have no idea how. Because all I wanted was for him to just hold me and let me bawl my eyes out. But I couldn't. He'd worry too much and that's the last thing he needs. And I don't want to have to worry about him worrying about me. I wish I could tell him how I'm really feeling. But maybe I can handle this myself. I think I'll try it this once. No help from Jack or Pacey. I'll show them...I hope...well...there went that optimism I had last week. That lasted long [sarcasm]. But I still can't get over that Abby's gone. I feel awful and so, so responsible. Why couldn't I just have let them stay there? Why couldn't I just ignore them and not let their insults get to me...oh gosh...I think I'm going to go to the bathroom and cry again for the 100th time just today...hope everything's better next time we converse Diary. I honestly miss that great feeling I had last week. I would give anything to get it back...