April 22, 1999

Dear Diary,

Sitting in Mr. Maddox's class. Like economics really mans anything to me right now. Supply, demand, quanity demanded, price, yuck. I can't keep my mind on track.

I had this horrible dream. Pacey and I were getting married on the creek. We were at the end of a pier and after the priest (which ironically enough was Abby) said 'You may kiss the bride', Pacey and I leaned in with happiness in our eyes. I remember feeling so happy for once. But then, this huge gust of wind, like a devilish tornado gathers him up and throws him down to the bottom of the creek. And as I looked down in horror, the creek was clear, and I could see him struggling. I tried to jump in but Abby grabbed me and held me back. She told me 'It's not your time to go'. Then Abby jumped in and swam down to the bottom, and grabbed Pacey from the whirlpool. Eventually Pacey drifted upwards and Abby stayed down there. And as I glanced back at the creek while Pacey was being rescued by others, I saw her wave slowly and I *swear* she winked at me. What is this suppose to mean? Why would I dream something like this? It's horrid!

Pacey's listening so intently to Mr. Maddox. At the rate we're both going he's going to be before me in the class ranking. Almost everyday he thanks me for getting him on track. But now I'm almost jealous of him. He seems so happy and I should be happy for him. I am happy for him. But I wish I could apply myself now. But secretly diary, just between us, I seriously think I'm losing it. I feel it more and more every day. The undeniable feeling to throw something, break something, hurt someone. But I keep it hidden and that's more then likely the cause of this. What am I to do about it?!