April 12, 1999

Dear Diary,

Me again. I'm in English Lit. My mind is wandering. The teacher is going on about a poem by T.S. Eliot called 'The Hollow Men'. It sounds like it's abour scarecrows literally, but if you think about it, it's about people like me. Who feels like there's nothing else to hope for. It's on the parallel of Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness which we're also reading. Kurtz, one of the characters became so engrossed in who he was becoming that he eventually destroyed himself becuase he had become so horrid. I feel like Kurtz.

There's no menaing in life. No one cares. But there is one person according to Dante's 'Paradise' who can see the good in everyone. Who believes there's a reason for life. In my life that is so Pacey. He's always trying to encourage me about myself and that things will get better in due time. I wish I could beleive him. I wish I could have him quit worrying about me. I'm only going to end up hurting him. Maybe he doesn't really love me, maybe he thinks that if he lets me go I'll crack and so something stupid. there you go again Andie! next thing you know they're going to be tossing you into some looney bin!