Indiana Shana Goes to Hell in a Handbasket

Disclaimer:

Shana decided that with the three scary areas on Xena:Warrior Princess,there was only one left to see.Tartarus is no longer in play,with Hades dead(both versions of him),and whatever happened to Dahak,the fire spirit?Nothing about him for three years. So,she was left to interview Satan,and actually had to go to Hell to do it.

She packed her knapsack with the essentials:Rope and pulleys,a flashlight,canteen,and a couple of slices of pizza wrapped in aluminum foil. Knowing it would be hot,she wore her summer outfit,with shorts,a halter top,and her prized Pizza Hut company-issue fireproof shoes.

With her long hair pulled back in a ponytail,Shana set the time machine control to just after when Lucifer went to Hell...destination:Amphipolis.

With a shimmer,the machine appeared near the sealed portal to Hell. Shana stepped out and carried her gear to where the entrance to Hell was.Yes,it was still sealed,she noticed. Spreading the supplies around,she cut thru the rock with a hardware store laser,and flipped over the slab of rock and looked down.

Spotting a large wicker basket nearby,she carried it to the hole and set up a tripod she made from some saplings she cut. Hooking up the pulleys and rope to the basket handles,she was ready. She gingerly sat in the basket,grabbed her pack,and started lowering herself down the hole. Good thing it was still daylight,but she had her flashlight ready,and after 200 feet,hit bottom. It wasn't too hot yet,so she climbed out of the basket and put on her pack,walking carefully towards a red glow. She could hear muffled screams in the background,and walked warily,not knowing what to expect.

Satan:Hello there!

Shana:Hell...hell...hell...

Satan:Yes,it is.

Shana:...o

Satan:Who are you and where are you from?

S:I'm Indiana Shana,and I've come here in a time machine to interview you for my Xena website. I'm from 200 feet up,and then,way west of here. Can I call you Lucifer?

Satan:Don't call me that...I hated the "Lucy" reference,too. I am Satan now...you can call me LORD Satan.

S:Okay.

LS:You look hot in that outfit.

S:Well,it is kinda warm here.

LS:Not THAT kind of hot...What are you doing Saturday night?

S:(blushing)...OH! I have to work...besides,I have a deadline on my website updates.

LS:Yeah,right,sure,uh-huh. I get it....it's the way I look,right?

S:Oh,no! I've seen worse.I've been on blind dates before.

LS:Oh,all right...what do you want to know?

S:What's that horrible screaming I hear?

LS:Oh...that room has very evil people in it.Their punishment is to listen to endless speeches by Alan Greenspan.

S:Oh,how terrible!

LS:You know it---even *I* won't go in there.

S:Can I play Devil's Advocate?

LS:Oh,funny.I love puns. Sure,go ahead.

S:I'd like you to tell your story about getting here,and how you feel about Xena.

LS:Well,at least you want to listen. The last human that interviewed me was in You Are There,and I wish I wasn't.All he did was talk,not listen.How in hell can you learn by talking?

S:My friend in Vermont loves puns,too...the more hideous,the better.

LS:Vermont? I've heard of it. How can they stand a ten-month winter? It must drive them crazy. Imagine my heating bills to run this place if I located there. Now that would be sinful,and a lot worse place than here. Also,if I got the "hell" out of here,it wouldn't be hell anymore,heh-heh.

S:Uh...about Xena?

LS:I figure than in the future,I'll get her for putting me here. I mean,listen to this: She goes to all this expense,this big shindig with costumes,her Maxim Magazine outfit,complete with a MASK,yet,and with being carried in on a sedan chair,just to SEDUCE me?Why didn't she just stand around naked as she does in so many shows? It would have worked for me.Also for just about all the males in the viewing audience,AND some of the females,too. They ALL would have ended up in the same boat as me,if life and death were fair.

S:Well,I don't know...

LS:Besides,how did she get to go to Heaven,which is,by the way,a big pile of ROCKS. I didn't kill anyone,but she's killed thousands,and committed every sin in the book.It just isn't fair. Also,she keeps coming back from the dead like Jason in Friday the 13th.

S:You know that show? How?

LS:We have a Chronos-stone linkup.It's an all-purpose excuse for everything on the show.(sniffs)...What's that smell? You got food?

S:Yes...it's pizza.(She hands him the two slices)...I'm afraid they are cold.

LS:Hey,no problem.(Instantly they are steaming,and he gobbles them down). Great!! Did you make it?

S:Yes...it's what I do for a living.

LS:And you came here from the future in a time machine you made?That's really something.

S:I have many skills.

LS:Oh! I get it!(snickers).

S:How about Gabrielle?

LS:Xena's sidekick? Okay,I guess. I liked her in Fallen Angel.She was a horny little devil,heh-heh.

S:Uh...yeah...LITERALLY.Do you blame her for you being here?

LS:Naw;just Xena. Gab's just alomg for the ride in that episode.

S:Xena's mother,Cyrene.

LS:Now that got even to ME. She was burned at the stake for being a WITCH by her fellow villagers?They should have done that for giving birth to Xena. God!...I mean,DEVIL! Then she was sent here with a bloody axe,moaning about her hubby "Orestes".I mean,we know his name is really Atrius. Didn't the writers see Ties That Bind?

(confidentially to Shana):You know,there are things here that scare even ME.

At that moment,a shadow looms over Satan's face. Shana is startled by what she sees. It is Callisto,in her full war-regalia,but without her boots.Her feet are covered in blood.

S:(to herself)...bad

Callisto(to Satan)...Don't worry,Pumpkin...it's not MY blood.

S:Even worse.

C:(to Shana,icily)...And who in Hell are you?

S:nice pun...I'm Indiana Shana,here to interview Lord Satan.

C:(snorting)..Oh! It's LORD Satan now,is it? That's a laugh!

S:Why are you here? I thought you were reincarnated as Eve.

C:I don't know why I'm here,or anywhere.Apparently,neither do the producers.I'm my own FATHER! I mean,I impregnated Xena and then my spirit entered her and I'm Eve/Livia/Callisto,I guess.(dreamily) I don't know what's going on...I feel so lost.

Suddenly,regaining her old self-confidence and anger she stares at Satan.

C:Look,Zippy:You promised me a foot rub tonight. Don't forget it!(She grabs him by the face and squeezes,then pats him on the nose)...Good boy. Finish up here and get in the living room.

LS: Yes,dear.(then,to Shana)...she scares the hell out of me.

S: I can see that.She really takes over,huh?

LS:You know it. She pushes me around,then leaves for weeks at a time.I can't punish her---she WANTS to be here,and I can't keep her here or I'll go nuts. See my problem?

There is the sound of a refrigerator being opened and closed,along with a beer being opened. A few seconds later,there is a satisfied burp.

C:(yelling)...Don't forget! Ellen's on in a few minutes!

LS:Okay,dear.

S:You watch Ellen?

LS:This is Hell,remember. We have a Chronos-stone linkup,except for one thing: it's the same episode over and over---the one where she tells all.(His eyes well up with tears of frustration).

S:Oh,no!

C:(with her patented battle-scream)...Get in here! It's ON!

LS:Yes,dear.(He takes out a card and punches a time clock).

S:You punch a clock?

LS:I'm still under contract with RenPics. I told you this was Hell.

S:But...

C:Come ON!(snarling now).

LS:I'd better go,before she has a hissy fit. You'd better get going,too,before things get really ugly. You're not as safe now as you were with just me.

(He leaves,sobbing uncontrollably).

Shana sprinted back up the tunnel to the basket,which was exactly as she had left it. She was almost feeling sorry for the King of Hell,the Master of Darkness. She was more afraid of the even more fearsome Callisto.

She got into the basket,and with her pack aboard,pulled herself up from the shaft to freedom.Once topside,she reached into her pack and re-sealed the entrance with a plasma-concrete compound. She then unlocked the time machine and went inside,hitting the "home" button.

Shana materialized back in her own time in her living room,realizing that she has been to Hell and back. She took off her shoes and went to the fridge for a cold drink. On the way,she turned on the radio. Ironically,the Rolling Stones were playing Sympathy For the Devil.

Sitting down on the couch and putting her feet up,she thought of her adventure: The heat,the torment,the agonized souls.It was Boot Camp---basic training for her job at Pizza Hut.She knew beforehand,that if she could stand the kitchens of Pizza Hut,she could endure the horrors of Hell.

The End

Home