Watching Happiness
by Windzweaver
It's been so long I almost didn't remember what it was like, but I can see
it in his eyes again. Xander's happy.
Not bouncing off the wall pretending to be happy, but a real soul deep
happiness. He's walking around not quite noticing that he's no longer on
the ground anymore.
Actually I don't remember it because I don't think he's ever been this happy
before.
When Anya left I was worried. I thought maybe that this would be it. This
would be where it got too much for it to be bearable anymore. It scared me.
It scared me more than anything has for a long time.
I've watched the world heap more and more on his plate, and I knew that it
was too much. It was too much for me and I wasn't even the one who had to
bear up under most of it.
I watched him getting more and more frantic and I knew he was almost at the
point of shattering. There's only so much that anyone can take.
Angelus is very familiar with that fact of life. It's how he breaks those
he
priviledges with the title of childe. And that might have been different.
If there was some one person Xander could blame this on. Somone he could
point to and say that's the one. If I can defeat him then I'll be alright.
But it never happened that way. Instead of one Angelus he seemed to get
Angelus after Angelus and everything that made him happy seemed to be
stripped away from him.
Unforutnately, I can't say I was much better. I watched him struggling and
instead of standing beside him and helping him bear that burden, I faded
away like everyone else.
It's a hard truth to face but I just stood back and watched as the burden
seemed to warp him out of recognition.
In my defense, I had no idea how to help him.
Fuck that.
I know it's not a Willow word but you'd be surprised at what you learn in
college. The truth is I did know how to help him. All I had to do is to be
his friend. Apparently, I couldn't even manage that.
See the thing is I expected him to break. I couldn't understand how he kept
coming back. I kept thinking this time it will be too much for him, and so
I hunkered down and protected myself.
Every since we lost Jesse, I expected to lose Xander too. See if Jesse, the
strong one, couldn't make it then how could Xander.
It took me this long to realize that Xander is the strong one.
He's stronger then any of us: Slayer, Watcher, Witch, Soldier, or Wolf. And
he's proved it time and time again.
Oh Buffy makes mouth noises about all she's suffered, losing boyfriends
right and left, but Goddess she hasn't been through a fraction of what
Xander's
been through.
You've heard the maxim though. The Squeaky wheel gets the grease. Well
Buffy's very squeaky, and she's been thoroughly greased down by watcher
witch and Xander. I refuse to call him the Zeppo! In fact she's had a
whole pit crew at her beck and call for her entire slaying career.
Xander hasn't. He's had no one but he's still there, still strong.
So your asking what made the change. What took him from existing to living
again?
Thank God for construction work. What?! You were expecting something else.
Well there was Something Else too, but it started with construction work.
It seems so simple but it was something that he did well. It was something
that made him feel worthwhile.
I don't think he's ever had people compliment him on something he's done
before.
It did wonders for his self confidence. I know how he feels. He feels the
same way I felt when I became a witch.
See he was able to create something, and somone else appriciated what he had
done. It's a small first step but an important one. And so he was able to
venture forward again. And when that step too met with praise, he took
another.
It's not just carpentry now. Since he's met sucess once he's much more
willing to take the chance in other things. He's stopped believing what his
father tried to pound into him. He knows he's not a failure anymore.
And then there's the Something Else.
It's very simple. He has someone that stands by him now. Someone who is
willing to take a part of that burden every now and then. It's all he
needed to make him unstoppable.
What blew my mind is that it's Spike.
I think it blew Spike's mind too.
We knew that Xander and Anya had broken up. I mean she showed up at the
meeting and basically told us that they weren't an item anymore. Like I
said I thought that this would be it. I thought that this would be the
thing that destroyed him. I didn't really thing that he would do anything
like throw himself off a building, but I did think that he would probably
not fight very hard the next time we went slaying.
So Anya showed up dropped her little bomb and then proceeded to ask Giles if
he needed an orgasm buddy. I mean Giles. He's attractive in a Gilsey sort
of way but Giles?!
Anyway Giles was hemming and hawing trying to find something to say to such
a blatant proposal, when Xander came in.
I felt my feet pulling me over to him, almost against my will. What
disgusts me now is that I know it wasn't an effort to comfort him. I just
wanted to see. I needed to see that I was right. I had to be able to
justify my actions or rather my inactions.
When he was broken, then I would have been right.
How twisted is that? I was afraid to invest myself in the most wonderful
friendship I ever had.
But you see he wasn't broken. The only thing that his face held was
determination.
He brushed by me like I didn't even exist. When I followed him with my eyes
I found he had Spike shove up against the wall.
All I could remember thinking at the time was that Spike had somehow been
involved in the breakup, that maybe he had seduced Anya away.
Goddess was I wrong.
I swear he tried to suck Spike's lungs out through his mouth. We're talking
about major tongue action here.
When Xander let up... Well lets say I've never seen Spike so flustered.
He looked Spike right in the eye and said, "I want you in my bed. I want
you in my life. No games just you and I for the rest of our lives. How
about it Spike?"
For a moment Spike did a remarkable imitation of a fish, then he managed to
croak out the word, "Anya?"
"She doesn't have anything to do with this. The only other person I was
ever willing to chase was Cordelia and only because it was expected. I want
you. The rest is up to you." He dove back for another kiss, and then moved
away toward the door.
For one instant Spike stared after him in shock, then I swear he crossed the
room in on stride.
His back was to the rest of the room but I saw his face. I was probably the
only one. He looked like he had won the lottery.
He reached around Xander and shoved the door shut as Xander tried to pull it
open.
Xander turned and found himself bracketed by Spike's arms. His eyes were so
large. Oh yeah in typical Xander fashion he had climbed out on a tree limb
and started sawing it off behind him.
But Spike was there to catch him this time. I watched as Xander was pulled
in close to Spike's body. All Spike said was "I'll make sure you never
regret this Alexander Lavelle Harris."
This was Spike!
Spike?!
Utterly devoted, utterly psychotic Spike. He still cherishes him, now.
Later I asked Xander where he got the nerve.
He told me it was all Anya. That she had told him that they were breaking
up so that he could go give Spike orgasms. I could still hear traces of the
bafflement that he must of greeted this announcement with.
He said he tried everything.
Evil vampire he said.
Chipped evil vampire you love. She said.
I'm not gay. He said.
Then why do you follow with your eyes everywhere he goes. She said.
Um evil vampire. He said.
We covered that one already. She said.
He doesn't love me. He said.
He does. She said. He follows you around so nothing happens to you. He
waits out side the apartment at night.
Does he really? He asks.
What have you got to lose? She asks.
Um evil vampire. He points out.
Well the shock value alone should give you a running start. She smirked.
Just go up and ask him. He squeaked.
Well it works for me. She countered.
So he did it, and they did it, and eventually Giles and Anya did it but she
found that to be more of a challenge.
Maybe it has something to do with the capacity of love.
Everyone who's met Xander knows that above all he is loyal. He'll give
every part of himself to you, and ask for nothing in return.
Spike is just as unique. 120 or so years of devotion to someone so broken
she was unable to recognize him most of the time, and the only reason he
left her is because she pushed him away.
So you have heart and devotion. Any good witch knows that's an unbreakable
combination.
Heart and Devotion.
Xander will never be alone again.
And with that foundation he will never break.
END
