Spike, You Dog 

by Sileya 

Spike, you dog. 

You know and I know that I've never been one to beat around the bush. I'm
the Slayer, and I go for the throat. Or in your case, the balls. 

If you hurt Xander, I will tear off your dick and feed it to you. Then I
will wrap your intestines around your neck and hang your balls from your
nose before removing your head from your shoulders. This is after I have
Giles work some of that dark magic to keep you from going to dust, so that I
can torture you until you beg me to kill you. 

And I'll do it, too. Torture you. Without killing you. And it won't be the
happy-vampire kind of torture either. I've got access to the Watcher
Diaries, you know. I've read about what they used to do to vampires. 

But, right now, you seem to be making Xander happy. I'm not going to think
about what kind of happy, because, eeuuw. But since you stuck up for him
when Anya went off on him, I must grudgingly (I looked that one up) admit
that he's looking at you different. 

Kind of like I looked at Riley. 

Kind of like Willow looked at him. Him. You know who I'm talking about. 

Yes, I know that you two haven't made anything public. If I know Xander,
he's worried about what we'll say. 

I don't know what to say to make Xander comfortable, so maybe you can tell
him I'm OK with it? 

Not that I'm ACCEPTING you, personally, OK? Cause I'm not. You're still a
blood-sucking demon who might or might not kill us all if you ever get that
chip out, but since Xander seems so stuck on you, I'm going to be mature. 

You can assure Xander that we're not at all bothered by him being gay. Or
bisexual. Whatever he is. I mean, Willow is. Bisexual. She was with Oz, then
with Tara (I'm assuming, OK, I never walked in on them or anything), and now
... Willow's with ... never mind now. I'm SO not going there right now. 

I mean, even Giles is bisexual. I'm almost sure he had a thing with Ethan
Rayne, so Xander should feel in fine company. I'm the only one who's
straight! 

So, I'm the one who should feel out of place, right? 

Spike, this really hurts me to say it, but I owe you a favor someday. God
help me, you'd better not ask for anything perverted or I'll stake you where
you stand. 

Why, you ask? 

Cause of Riley. You helped him kill that demon when I was unconscious, even
though you never told the rest of us, he told me before he died. And so,
thank you. 

But don't expect to hear it alot, OK? I still don't like you. 

I also want to get your opinion. I want to get some nice things, some
British things, for Giles. And I have no idea what to get. You're British,
so I figured you could help me, and I wouldn't beat your ass for getting it
on with Xander. 

Ooo, someday, if you owe ME a favor, I want to know what it's like with
Xander. He's grown into such a hottie. He used to be kinda geeky, and I
always had to get him out of trouble, but he's very loyal. 

I was just to the point of noticing him, and he skipped college and got
together with Anya, and I never noticed how he'd grown up and filled out
until he took that construction job. And it wasn't even until he split in
two that I saw the potential there. 

Did you know about him being split in two? Ask him about that. Can you
imagine, Anya wanted to take both of them to bed? She's such a sex fiend. 

Anyway, I want to get Giles something. He's been extra-special nice to me
lately, and I want him to know that I've noticed. I mean, I've really
noticed. 

I've noticed how great he looks in jeans, and I've noticed how he goes out
of his way to help me. 

On that topic, you're definitely not the one to ask, but since Willow isn't
here, I might as well. I can always beat you up if you blab, and you spent
more time with him than I did last year. 

Do you think Giles likes me? 

I mean, really likes me. Not like a father or a friend. 

I've wondered. But it's hard to see past that stuffy, British exterior
sometimes. 

Well, if I can help you out with Xander, just let me know. 

Not that we're friends, or anything. 

Always the Slayer, 

Buffy