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The Start
by Shadith

He's lying beside me, sleeping. He's still the only sounds are the comforting beat of his heart, and the deep breathing of a sound sleep. Quietly, I shift beside him, easing slowly up and away, so I can see him better. I move carefully, I don't want him to know I'm awake. It'll worry him, then he'll want to sit up with me. He's so wonderful. If he didn't have to work . . .but he does so no midnight conversations.

I still can't believe he's here with me. I love watching him sleep. His face loses, well actually it doesn't lose anything. The only real change is in his mouth and eyes. See, his lips -which are usually smirking or pouting- are relaxed and slightly open, full and red a heaven waiting to be entered. Whoops, lost track there for a moment, I do that a lot when I think about him. Anyway, he looks so angelic when he sleeps. His face loses all the darkness he's known, the pain vanishes, and he's innocent again. Though it wasn't always this way.

It's because his eyes are closed. Such dark eyes, they speak of the unspeakable. Eyes that have seen death, pain and little joy. But they are still so beautiful. Filled with a melancholic sadness. I would not trade them for anything. His chocolate gaze eases my soul. When he's awake my world is sane and right again. It is only when he's gone from me that my thoughts torment me. Morbid thoughts, jagged worries. This...him it's too right. My life is good, and that scares me, so bad. I've been running for so long I don't know if I can stop. I *know* this can't last. The god's have deemed my life fair game, and soon this will fall apart.

So, I cling to this time willing it to stay for a little longer. He's dreaming, I see the slight tremor of his lashes. Such dark lashes lie on his pale cheeks. Sable-colored, soft and curling. I resist the urge to reach out and stroke them. His body is a work of art as well, he seems to glow in the moonlight. I marvel at his body, and suddenly...I see him broken and bleeding. The smell of blood drowns my senses. I bite back a scream, but the image persists. He turns pleading eyes to me, "How could you let this be," he says harshly. "My blood on your hands." A dark shape flows forward and the warm spray of his blood splashes against my face as his throat is torn open by the shadow I can't stop. I struggle to control myself. I can't...I can't...the scream I am trying to silence escapes in a slow whimper.

**************

Suddenly, strong arms surround me. Xander's sensing my growing panic has woken. One arm pulls me closer, the other tugs the sheets over us. Then he's slowly stroking my face. "Baby, what is it?," he asks concern lacing his tone. He's looking at me...no he's looking into me. Before I can answer he pulls me to his chest, burying my face in the warm space between his neck and shoulder. "Baby, it's alright. Whatever it is we can handle it."

I don't think so, but I don't say anything and I bury my face further into the curve of his neck. He lies back against the pillows, pulling me down. He never asks about my past, has never demanded answers, not once in three months, instead he patiently waits for me to tell him. I mumble against his shoulder. "What was that." I pull back a little. Staring into those deep brown eyes. "I love *you*. You *know* that? Right?" He smiles and kisses me. "Before you, I would have had a hard

time believing anyone loved me. Now, well now there's no doubt. Well maybe a little, but that's just the old me creeping in, sometimes. I *know* you love me, maybe just as much as I love you."

I rest my head against his shoulder again. So softly, I'm not sure he can hear me I begin speaking. "I am so afraid this is all going to end. I'll wake up and you'll be gone. I've know nothing but death, pain, and sorrow for the past six years. If it is was a play or on the news it would stir up a chorus of *Oh the humanity*. I smile slightly to try and bring a little humor to the situation. Xander just looks at me...into me, he knows that little trick. Sighing I begin again. "For so long, I've been alone. No one to turn to, no where to hide. All ways the same no one and no where. Now, I'm happy and I know...I *know* that I'm about to be fucked. I want this, yet I don't. I can feel the end, and the pain is going to destroy me this time. Why? Because there's finally someone to turn to, shelter where I can hide. This time there's an answer and it's you.

He's silent. Then, "Look at me, baby." I shake my head against his shoulder. He reaches down and grasps my chin. "I will never let you go. This...this is the best thing to happen me, in my entire sad little life. I've seen hell-literally, actually been through it...and before I would have said it was because I had no choice, I was fighting the good fight. Now, I think it's because I knew that if I survived hell I'd find heaven. And I have-my own private piece of heaven, you are mine I'll never let you go," he said, his eyes burning into mine. In them I see the instincts of an animal claiming what's his, a vow of protection and love. An overwhelming sense of joy floods me and for now it drowns my worries.

*************

He'll be leaving soon, I know. He's asked me to come with him. I don't want to put his life in danger, but I don't think I'm strong enough to let him go. Even lost in thought, I am aware of his every move. Without looking, I know he's leaning back against the pillows, eyes closed, waiting. He's good at that, he can wait silently, patiently for hours, with an unconscious ease. I have come to depend on that quiet acceptance. I have often wondered, where he acquired that, such stillness, but I'm not the only one with secrets. How can I consider being or going anywhere with someone how's kept things from me?

How can I trust him? I don't know how, but I do and I will until he gives me reason not to. I don't even know why I'm debating. Arguments and logic are null and void. My heart has all ready decided. I will *not* let him go. "Xander, caridad." I say softly. I feel his eyes on me and I look up. "I was wondering...I mean...What you said..." I babble almost as bad as he did the first time we met. He smiles that sweet slightly goofy grin. "Baby, let me be the first to stay welcome to Sunnyhell."

I smile, and can't help but bask in the warmth of his voice. I am wanted, loved after such a long lonely time. I settle comfortably onto his chest. I shall tempt fate once again, grab on to the love held out to me. Heaven help me. I can not let go.

***********

She's finally fallen asleep again. Whatever nightmares plague her are gone...for now. I know nothing about her except for what she's told me, what I've learned in the last three months. I can't really bring myself to care. If she's not what she seems I don't want to know. I can almost her the gang. Buffy's condescending voice, Willow's smug superiority, Giles dismayed worry. I am seriously violating slayerette survival rules, here. Doesn't matter though. I've finally found the other half of my soul. I meant what I said whatever she's running from we'll face it together. She's making low mewling sounds, I can't help stroking her face trying to offer comfort, by touch. I am amazed when she quiets. *I* bring her comfort...me "the zeppo"..."donut guy". I can't help smiling, but it quickly fades.

I wish I could give her the same amount of comfort she gives me. Since we've been together the nightmares which stalk me have vanished. Instead she fills my mind sleep or wake. Truthfully, I can't believe she's here with me. Someone like her...I mean she's Cordy's class... beautiful, stylish...still she's nothing like Cordy...but she makes me feel like I sometimes did when I was with Cordy, like I didn't deserve such beauty and class but that was only at first. Now I know we belong together, and I will allow *nothing* to tear us apart. I know that there are things she's keeping from me, but I also know she'll tell me in her own time.

Why am I so calm about her's? It's probably cause I've got my own. And I don't mean the slayer and our nightly adventures. Hell she's known about those things longer than I have. No, my secrets are what led me to her. My secret is the reason for this whole trip. Actually, I think it might have started before then, but recent *events* are what prompted this trip.

***********

The Past

3 1/2 months ago

After the fun-filled night at Buffy's all Xander wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and hopefully sleep till next week. His mind tried to avoid the fact that it wasn't much of a home. Sighing he quietly made his way around his parents, who were passed out yet again. Trudging down the stairs, he came to an abrupt stop. The vampire sitting on his bed was not as much of a surprise as a puzzle.

"Spike," Xander began wearily, "I'm really tried and not in the mood to deal with you. So get whatever it is that you want and leave." Silence was all that greeted his tired statement. Wondering why the bleached wonder wasn't insulting him, Xander finally looked directly at him and drew back from the vampire. The way Spike was looking at him would normally have made him look for the nearest stake or if all else failed run screaming, if he hadn't known about the chip. Still his nerves were yelling danger, quite loudly. Then just as suddenly the vampire's usual smug look was back. I wonder if that chip has finally driven him batty. "Spike, normally I'd love to play twenty questions, but what do you want?" Spike stared at him silently, and Xander twitched nervously.

"Just wanted to see if you were still in one piece, pet." Spike said shrugging casually. Xander stared confused. "Why? It's not like you care. Hell, you've tried to kill me. So, what is it? You can't, so now no one can? Why is this time different?" Xander stares shocked as Spike actually looks away sheepishly. "Ahhh, Pet. I've never tried to kill you," Spike said moving toward Xander. Xander glares at him. "Well, I mean...not permanently anyway, luv. And you know why this is time's different." Xander shrugs trying to maintain his indifference. "Yeah, why did you warn me?"

"Maybe, I didn't want to see you hurt. Maybe cause I think you should get away from the slayer before you end up dead. Maybe, I think you're better than them." Xander blinks unsure. Then suddenly he's furious. "If you thought all that why'd you do it?" Spike looks almost guilty, as he paces in front of Xander. "I'm an *evil* vampire pet, I wanted this damn chip outta my head anyway possible. So, I joined forces with Adam. How else was I gonna get rid of this thing...the slayer...the watcher...yeah, their really looking to help me. And I did warn you, pet. When I found out you were there, I tried to protect..." Before Spike can finish, Xander shoves him back. Startled the vampire falls onto the bed. "Not that," Xander hisses. "Why'd you *leave*? I finally had someone to talk to. Who listened to me, talked to me not at me, and then you *left*. You left me alone after..." Xander stops turning away. "Luv, It wasn't like that..It's...I just..." Xander turned to face the almost incoherent vampire. "What Spike?"

"Bloody Hell, I couldn't stand hearing them hurt you," Spike yelled. "Everytime he started, I'd go into a rage and then the fucking chip would start. I wanted to rend the flesh from his bones, gouge out his eyes, play rodeo with his large intestines, but I couldn't. After a while, he didn't have to be hurting you to send me into a rage. Just the thought of what he's done...what he did... I had to leave..." Xander shudders seeing the truth in the vampire's eyes. "But when we ran into you, when Faith..." Calming down Spike gave Xander that look. "What was I gonna say. Hey, Xan missed you. Of course, I'll help protect the slayer. Why Giles? Oh, me and Xan are best buds now." Xander looked at him sheepishly. "I guess that would've been of the weird." Spike grinned at the younger man. "So this means were still friends?"

"Yeah, pet. I'll even try to hold of arranging the slayer's death at least while your around." Xander grinned and collapsed on the bed bedside Spike. "What will you do now? That chips not going anywhere anytime soon. Especially, since the Initiative's thpppppt."

"Wonderful vocab, luv. Truthfully, I don't know." Spike said lying back on the bed, staring pensively at the ceiling. "If your tired of use you could go to Angel." Spike stares at him as if he suggested taking up sunbathing. "Or maybe not." Xander shifts to look down at Spike. "I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that, and then I don't have to kill you."

Chapter VI

I can't help smiling. I've missed this. I know it's weird but it feels real. I don't think Spike would hurt me if the chip comes out. Can't say the same for the rest of the gang though and that's the only reason I think the chip's good. If the gang knew what I was thinking they'd have a collective coronary. But if it weren't for the chip, I don't think we'd be in this position. Sometimes I don't know whether to bless or curse the chip. When he's here talking to me, sprawled across my bed like some sort of Greek god I love that chip. But when it's late and I wake up with thoughts of his mouth and hands caressing me, I curse that damn chip. He's staring at me now, wondering where I've zoned to. He's the only *person* who actually likes my babbling. "Luv, what's wrong." Xander shrugs softly. "Nothing just thinking about fate."

"Fate. Huh?" She's a twisted bitch. Kinda makes me think of Dru." Unsure Xander asks anyway, "Do you miss her?" Spike falls silent, as if he's fallen into himself.

Do I miss her? Before I'd have said 'ell yes but now...I never had this type of conversation with Dru even when she was closer to sanity. Talking to Xander is exhilarating. So full of life, and way more intelligent than any of these gits give him credit for. In away he reminds of Angelus, before all of this before Dru. Clever, strong, killer predatory instinct but buried beneath a gentle soul. Wonderful despite years of abuse from his parents, and so called *friends*. I don't even want get into that. Dreams of disemboweling the slayer, beheading the witch, draining the watcher, and mutilating his parents, as a gift fill half my dreams. The other half are ever running porn flicks interspaced with scenes of sweet romantic mush. Bloody hell!! I knew I was in trouble that first night I stayed with him. Moist and delicious, indeed. I think this chip has finally driven me batty. In love with a bleeding happy meal.

Xander's looking at me. I wonder how long I've been day dreaming. Damn long enough to get hard. Jeez this is fucking ridiculous. I guess I'd better answer him. "Yeah, I miss her." As Xander looks away, Spike wonders if he actually saw disappointment in his eyes. "But, I'd miss you more." Fucking 'ell what possessed me to say that. I sound like the damn pouf. Before he can start retracting his blurted statement, Xander launches himself onto Spike. Startled Spike's arms wrap around the brunette's waist. "Thank you."

"For what, pet." Xander pulls back, staring into the vampire's eyes. "For saying you'd miss me." Bloody hell I ever get this chip out, the slayer and anyway one else who's ever hurt him are dead. "If it makes you that happy I'll say it again. I'd miss you and I did miss you when I left." Xander buries his head in the curve of my neck, hugging me tighter. Hell, maybe admitting it wasn't such a bad idea. Not if it gets me this close to Xan. And Spike suddenly remembers his condition.

Slowly, he tries to ease away from Xander not wanting to upset him. Mortals can be so hung up on gender he thought. Despite his careful movements Spike soon finds himself groin to groin with an aroused but nervous Xander. Staring into Xander's dark gaze, eye's dilated with the beginnings of lust doesn't help matters. Wanting to reassure the boy Spike quickly offers an explanation. "Xan, luv. It's nothing. We're healthy males, and hell I'm a vampire if it's willing and doable, I'm ready." Xander looks vaguely disappointed. "So, I don't mean anything," he says hesitantly. "I'm just another warm body, nothing special."

"Ahhh, no luv. That's not what I meant. I haven't felt this way about another male since...well since...you know..." "Who?" Spike shifts uneasily. "Ahh, pet. Don't make me say it." Xander's brow creases, and then, "Oh you mean Ang..." Before he can finish Spikes had covers his mouth. "Yeah, him. Look, I just wanted to help you. Truthfully, I always thought you were a nummy treat. And now, well I think you're that and more, luv." Xander stares silent and unmoving. Spike pulls his head away and begins to shift from beneath Xander. Xander's eyes focus as if coming to a decision. "Where do you think you're going?" Before Spike can answer Xander grasps his hand, bringing it to his mouth, placing a kiss in the center of his palm. "Xanpet are you sure?"

"Truthfully?" Spike nods. "Hell, no." He says shakily. "But, we're friends right?" Spike nods, then grins. "Well, If I'm gonna do this, then it's best to do it with someone I care about and who returns the favor." Spike brushes a stray strand from Xander's face. "Good reasoning, pet."

"I think so."

"What if I said I wanted to be more than friends, luv."

"I'd say I have to think about that."

"Do we still get to shag?"

"Yeah," said Xander blushing, and ducking his head. "Good on us then," Spike said smiling.

"How do we..."

"Shhh, pet. Just feel."

**************

"Shh, pet. Just feel." Spike said leaning upwards, as he caresses the mortals back. Mouths drift closer, an Xander's eyes close. They meet one filled with a passion long denied, the other hesitant yet eager, fire and ice. Tongues stroke, twist between the hungry lovers, tasting. Xander moans, as Spikes tongue rubs against the roof of his mouth. So different form the hurried jabs of the women he's known. Larger, blunter, yet skilled almost gentle. Needing...wanting to share his pleasure, Xander teasingly sucked Spike's tongue. Easing back for air, his tongue brushes against a fang. Spike's arms tighten around him, as a tortured moan escapes.

Pulling back Xander stares. He's shifted into gameface unconsciously. Tugging his arm free from the panting vampire, Xander reaches out to trace the ridges on his face. He humms in surprised pleasure, their soft almost flexible. He strokes trying to learn the planes and valleys with his fingers. He smiles, as Spike undulates beneath him, suddenly he is flat on his back staring up at the growling vampire.

The sounds coming from the immortal send waves of pleasure down Xander's spine, the vampires noises only excite him more. Reaching up to stroke the ridges again, Spike stops him catching his hand, pinning him to the bed. Xander looks confused. "Did I do something wrong, Spike?" "No, luv. We just need to slow down." Xander watches at the vampire struggles to shift out of gameface. "Don't" Spike looks down at him. "It's just...it's a part of you, and I accept all of you including this." Spike stars at the boy, seeing the acceptance in his eyes. Xander pulls away, when he shifts into his human mask. Spike holds him still. "No, Xan. I believe you. But we need to slow down. You're good at this," Spike says grinning at Xander "are you sure I'm your first vamp?" Xander pouts at him "You won't be, you keep this up. Oh bleached one."

Smirking Spike leans forward catching Xander's mouth in a breath stealing kiss. Curious Xander twines his tongue around a fang, and sucks, hard. Growling deep in his throat, the vampire thrusts against Xander hard and fast, before stilling himself. Body quivering with the need to keep moving. "Xan, luv. Don't do that," he pants, for unneeded air. "Why, not? It feels like you like it," Xander said rubbing against the shaking form. "Yeah, and that's the problem. You keep hitting hot spots, keep it up and I'll finish first. I don't want to. Understand me, pet?" Xander nods "ummm...I guess the ridges are to?" Spike nods then shakes his head. "Yes or no" The vampire stares at him, Xander knows he's debating how much to tell him. "We're friends, right? Spill."

The immortal sighs wondering at his new found luck. "Ridges aren't exactly like fangs, which anyone can arouse. I guess you could say their a degree of intimacy. Our true face, allowing someone to stroke it, is like allowing someone to leave their mark on us. More than a hickey, less than a mated bite." "Mated bite?" "When vampires, or mortals which is rare, mate they leave a bite mark a permanent sign, mark of belonging to each other. Ridge marking is...umm like a promise or engagement ring." Xander glances away. "So you don't want me to..."

"No, pet. I want it but I'm not sure your ready for it." Xander sighs, looking up at Spike. "What if I said, I wanted to but I'm not really sure..." "I'd say, there's no rush." "Can I still.."

Spike silences him, sucking his tongue into the cool recesses of his mouth. Tongues touch, stroke, mating in a timeless ritual. "Anywhere, pet." Xander gasps unable to answer reeling from the kiss. Before he can recover, Spike dives back in nibbling at the swollen red lips. Easing down his tongue strokes wet patterns on the throat bared and arched under his lips. Offering the beating warmth beneath the surface. Nuzzling the throbbing vein, Spike's hands glide over the mortals body. Xander shudders. Spike's hands are everywhere. Sliding down, Spike's lips and tongue follow the path his hands have traced. In one swift move, Xander lies nude before Spike's devouring eyes.

No time to feel vulnerable, Spike's mouth is back. Finger's tickle and lips tease, first the back of knees, gradually easing up his thighs. Xander can't decide whether to beg for the exquisite torture to stop or never end. Then he's gasping, Spike's cool lips have wrapped around him. The wet tongue slides along his length, as the lips grip and release his flesh. Xander moans shifting wildly on the sheets. "Spike, please..." unsure of what he is begging for. Chuckling softly, Spike pulls back. "Please, what? ...luv." he asks lightly licking the head. Xander whimpers, then screams as Spike sucks him. Stroking, sucking, nibbling, Spike carries Xander to the edge. Xander's panting has become erratic. He arches, whimpering nonsense as his body revels in pleasure. Pulling back again, Spike watches as Xander cries out at the loss. Grinning freely he watches as the mortal twists in frenzied desperation. Mine his only thought.

Then the vampire's deep throating him, as Xander's hands grasp his head hauling him closer. With a strangled cry Xander begins thrusting harder, wanting to be in the vampire, one. A howl rips through the air, Xander shatters, head thrown back, as his seed fills the vampire's throat. Spike sucks greedily, catching it all. Sitting back, he gently cleans the boy with his tongue.

Coming down slowly Xander's dilated pupils focus on the grinning vampire. Before Spike can move Xander's pinned him, sitting on his chest, he yanks the immortals clothes free. Spike growls at the feel of warm hands, the sound of tearing fabric. Then he's groaning at the warmth that surrounds him. He's stunned by the heat of the mortal's mouth, fire that only burns with pleasure. Xander pauses, unsure how to go on. "Pet, anything you decide is good," moans Spike "just do something." Xander shrugs, dropping his head he nuzzles the vampire's scrotum, almost transfixed by the marble like appearance. Slowly he licks from root to head, treating the entire shaft to a long wet, warm tongue bath. Soon Spikes moans echo through the room. Concentrating on the head, Xander begins to nip the flesh, tugging gently at the foreskin, stroking with his tongue to soothe. The vampire's moans, turn to whimpers. Xander grins shyly "I'm gonna make you scream."

Before Spike can answer, his body arches wit a wave of excruciating pleasure, as Xander's tongue dances over the tight ring of muscle between the pale globes of his ass. As his tongue caresses the hidden jewel, he grasps Spike's cock squeezing, stroking the length. Spike growls head thrown back in bliss. Then the warm mouth is back, and his shaft is slowly being deep throated as fingers massage his perineum. Spike yelps gameface, fully shifted. Now, Xander is humming as he sucks, suddenly slick fingers slide in rubbing that hidden spot, and he comes screaming Xander's name. Eagerly Xander swallows the vampire's cold seed, trying to catch it all.

Pulling back, he laps up what has escaped giving the head a final lick before collapsing on Spike. After a contented silence, Xander shifts looking down at the vampire shyly. "Was I...did I... I mean," Xander's eyes drop as he blushes. "Pet, if you were any better I'd be dead," Spike pauses, "well deader." Xander smiles "We should do this again."

"Give me a sec pet, and we can start round two," Spike said glancing wickedly at the mortal. "Not, now... well now wouldn't be a bad idea, but I mean we should... arggh" Spike pulls Xander down cuddling the mortal boy close. "I know, pet. I know. Now, sleep." Yawning Xander doesn't argue as he burrows into the vampire's side. Pushing aside all his doubts, he's determined to enjoy this while he can and worry later.

***********

Present

Shaking his head, Xander draws back from the memories. He knows he's left things unresolved, but he needed space, so he ran. Sighing he cuddled closer to her heat. It's time to go home, and I'm still no closer to a solution. I don't know what to do. I only know what I want and need. I want and need *her*. I want Spike, but do I *need* him. I can't...I won't ignore the comfort he brought me. We were...are friends, I'll fix this when we get back. I hope she'll understand...I think she'll understand. Inhaling her scent, sandalwood and roses, his decision is made. All I want is this, if she can't or won't accept, then I choose her. I only hope it won't come to that. Sighing again, he slips into sleep.

The silver convertible hurtles down the lone stretch of highway. It's driver had been up since dawn, for the past two days. The BMW had traveled more than 600 miles in that time. The desert lay before them in a never-ending landscape, but she intended to be through it and closer to her destination before stopping for the night. She was eager, yet anxious. They were going home, but it was *his* home. Shaking of the feeling of dread, she watched as Xander woke.

It was never a slow gradual thing one minute he was sleep, the next awake, as if his system was always on standby, alert. She could always tell when he was about to awake, though most couldn't. There was no tell-tale movement, his heart beat, and breathing never changed. It was just an innate sense of her mate. "We're almost there, cariad. We could possibly make it there by morning, if you wanted to drive tonight." Xander stretches, taut muscles showing beneath the white T-shirt. "Nah, kitten. There's no rush."

She grins as he pulls on the black leather jacket. The new clothes were worth the argument that had occurred after she'd burned his entire wardrobe. Xander glances around "How many more miles?" She looks down at the map, he insists she use, though she had no need of it. "Less than 250." Xander looks at her, then back out the window, sighing. "Good, we need to talk. I can't put it off any more." Her fingers tighten on the steering wheel, and she unconsciously speeds up. Turning her head slightly, she glances at him nervously. "No, rush kitten. There's time."

Fading daylight drowned the convertible. Xander spent half the time with his eyes on the road, the other half on the sleeping woman beside him. The light bathed her making her skin glow golden. She hadn't spoken since their talk last night. Sighing yet again, he speed up, barely missing the much abused 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign. Home Sweet Home.

***************

The End