The Heartbeat
by Sandra D
I can't believe what a bloody pillock I was!! All that time, all I could
think of was that stupid bint! I should have *known* I was going off my
rocker when I had that dream. It's one thing for the soul-having poof to
fall in love with the Slayer. But not *me*! I'm Spike. William the EFFIN'
Bloody!!! And I do NOT fall in love with Slayers.
But I had to open my big gob to Cornfed that night in my crypt, didn't I?
Had to tell him *he* was the lucky one and that I *was* hot for his honey.
To tell you the truth, I wouldn't have blamed him one little bit if that
stake had been real. I mean, how many times did I want to do the same
bloody thing to Angelus when he made the moves on my Druscilla?
I imagine everyone on the Hellmouth thinks I left because the Slayer and
Captain Cardboard got back together. Maybe I did. But I'm glad I did!
Couldn't have recovered from that little mental lapse if I hadn't. So it's
a damn good thing I left when I did. I probably would have done something
stupid. Can you *imagine* what would have happened if I had told Slutty
that I loved her?! No? Well, I can tell you! It would *not* have been a
pretty sight!
Where did I go? Not that it's any of your fucking business, but I went to
L.A. to see Peaches. Between you and me? I don't think he is all there
lately. Seems to be going a bit daft. Or, at least, more daft than normal.
For a while he just kept going on and on about Darla. I started to think
he really was crazy until I went to see that cheerleader and the watcher.
Turns out, Darla was brought back from the dead! As a *human*, no less! I
told them they shouldn't blame Angel for what he is going through. That I
would bloody flip if I saw Dru and *she* had a heartbeat. Don't know why I
wanted them to feel better. I really couldn't care less, if truth be told.
But I am glad I did because that brought up the next part of their little
drama. Dru was in Los Angeles. And apparently my dark princess took it
upon herself to turn the blond bitch all over again. And *right* in front
of Angel!!! If I hadn't been so caught up with the idea that Dru was in
LA, I probably would have tried to help the old poof. Poor bugger. That
must have really hurt.
But, like I said. Dru was in LA. So, I was off to find my goddess. Color
me all shades of hot and horny when I saw her and Darla going at it like
they used to back when we were all still a family! At first, all I saw was
Angelus' sire sittin' back in a chair with her legs spread and panting
like she actually needed air. When I got a little closer I saw a head of a
dark haired woman munchin' between her thighs. Couldn't believe my luck!!
Darla suddenly got all quiet and that dark head looked up and stared right
at me. Dru just smiled coyly. Like she always does, you know? And I swear
she was more beautiful than the first day I saw her! Eyes all bright and
face wet from Darla's cum. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought I had
died and gone to heaven!
Now, normally, I would have joined right in. I'd never been one to pass up
the chance at being made into a Spike sandwich. But something stopped me.
At first I thought it was because it would include Darla. But we had done
this more times than I could count years ago. So, what's different now? I
suppose the easiest answer would have been Sunnydale. That would have been
too broad though. It had to be something more specific. Then it hit me.
The bloody Slayer! Figures she would still manage to ruin my fun just by
thinking of her.
Imagine my surprise when my sire's smile widened and she shook her head. I
knew that look. Guess the stars are still telling her what's in my head.
Wondered why she was telling me it was all wrong. I mean, of course it's
wrong for me to love the Slayer. I *know* that! But she told me that all
my thoughts were jumbled. That the nasty, nasty chip had scrambled
everything up so I couldn't think straight. Now, my Dru may be a daft bird
sometimes but I know when she is on to something so I listened to her. The
woman who was once the love of my unlife had become my bloody shrink!
Darla had left in a huff because I had interrupted them and Dru insisted
that she *had* to tell me what Miss Edith and those damn stars were
whispering in her ear. So I sat down and my dark princess stood before me
with her hands on my head. She moved her fingers to the spot where the
Initiative had stuck that effin' chip in my brain. Her eyes went all out
of focus and she cocked her head slightly like she really was listening to
the stars. When she looked at me again she asked me a fairly simple
question. One that I should have known the answer to, before. I *did* know
the answer before! But what came out of my mouth was not what I was
expecting. AT ALL!!!
"Tell me, my Spike. Who do you love?"
"Xander."
What the *fuck* was that?! I could not believe that was the first name
that came out of my mouth! And, to my surprise, Dru just looked at me,
smiled and nodded her head. She told me before I left that I needed to
hurry back to the dark kitten. Assuming she meant Xander, I asked why. She
said that he was hurting and needed me before it was too late. That if I
hurried I *might* be able to help him. As usual, I had no idea what the
bird was going on about but knew better than to ignore her ramblings. So I
rushed out the door and drove straight back to Sunnydale.
When I got to his apartment, I thanked every deity I could think of that I
had already been invited in once before. Because when there was no answer,
the words Dru had spoken crept back into my mind. I tried the knob but,
finding it locked, I nearly tore the door off its hinges when I bashed
through to get inside. And what I saw would have stopped my heart, had it
been beating. At that moment I knew the truth behind the answer I had
given Dru. I loved this man and there he was dying on his living room
floor.
Running to scoop him up into my arms, I took stock of what was next to
him. An empty pill bottle, which I shoved into the pocket of my duster, an
almost empty bottle of Jack Daniel's and an old pack of my cigarettes with
one burnt to ash on a little plate. My heart broke when I realized what
had brought him to this point. It was as plain as the day I would never
walk in. This man that I held in my arms loved me. And I left him.
I tried so hard to hear that heartbeat that I knew should be there.
And...there it was. Faint...barely a whisper. I started toward the door to
rush my Xander to the hospital. I had to do everything I could to keep
this boy with me. But before we even crossed the threshold on the way out,
I heard a sound that stopped me cold. I heard Xander's heart stop beating.
You may not know this, but there is a sound the heart makes when the beat
stops. You probably assume that all there is is a silence that follows.
Not so. There is this little shudder that can be heard if you listen for
it. And, I swear on everything that is unholy, that you can almost hear
the soul sigh as it leaves the body. It was this that stopped me in my
tracks. I had lost him. I had lost the love that I had finally found. The
tears of blood have yet to stop falling.
At this moment my demon is going crazy. In anger, fear and grief. Anger
and grief that I had not arrived in time to save Xander. Fear
because...well, you see, the sun will be rising in less than a minute. And I
am sitting on the floor, cradling my love, in front of the picture window.
I know that his little friends will come in to find him. And what the
Slayer and the witches will discover is my Xander's body lying in a pile
of ash. They won't understand everything that has happened. I don't care.
I only wish that Xander could know. That he would realize that I do love
him and cannot live without him.
I lean forward and place a gentle kiss to the already cool lips of my
love. He looks so peaceful lying in my arms. At first glance, one would
think he is merely sleeping. Oh, how I wish that were so!!
"I am so sorry, luv. Please forgive me."
I feel the sun coming over the horizon. My skin is starting to crawl as if
it could move me on its own. I have not seen the sun rise in over 120
years. And this morning...I welcome it.
End
