Incomplete and Unfulfilled
by Lori J
These days, he takes what he can. Whenever and wherever. Being neutered (and
how much does he fucking *hate* that word?) will do that to a vampire.
He's been reduced to nothing. A shadow of his former self. Lovesick over a
goddamned *Slayer* and pissed off because there's not a chance in hell he'll
ever get her.
So he takes what he can.
And if that includes finding his pleasure in the bed of an enemy then so be
it.
It's not all bad. The boy's a good fuck. Not a boy so much anymore, but he
can't stop thinking of him like that. A boy. An innocent.
Fitting that it was Spike to take that innocence. Took it and made Xander
whimper and cry out and beg for more. He'd like to say he's pleased with
what he's done, but he's not. Not really. Xander is a distraction, nothing
more.
So easy, really. So easy to take what he wanted. Take a vulnerable boy who's
not quite a man, and mold and shape and form him into whatever Spike wants
him to be.
A willing body.
That's all he wants. Just to be able to sink into that warmth and forget
about his shitty existence. Spike never dallied much with humans before and
now he wonders why the hell not. Who wouldn't want to be pulled in, *sucked*
in, by such warmth?
When he's inside Xander, he can imagine that it's Dru. His Dark Princess.
Oh, how he misses her. She'll not come back to him now. Not when she sees
what he's become. And she'll see. She sees everything sooner or later.
So he pretends. Pretends that Dru is there and she's as beautiful as ever.
It's Dru that he's thrusting into hard and fast while she moans and writhes.
Calling his name, hands fisting the bedsheets, silver rings glinting in the
half-light. So beautiful, his Dru.
But reality comes crashing back, as it so often must, and then its just
Spike and Dru isn't there after all. Its just Xander with his eyes screwed
shut in pain maybe? No matter. He's not here for love. They both know that.
This is just a way to fill the hollow inside.
He doesn't feel guilt about using Xander like this. He knows that Xander is
using him, too. His body screams to be touched even if his mind doesn't. So
open, so needy, so willing to beg Spike to touch him.
Lately, though, instead of Dru it's *Her.*
Blonde and petite instead of tall and dark. Such a contrast.
He hates wanting her more than having the chip. He can accept the chip and
what it's done to him. But what the fuck did he do to deserve this? Who
thought it was a grand idea to have him lust after a Slayer?
Spike hates her. Hates her but can't help wanting her. She's everywhere.
Roaming through his mind, having a quick wander through his heart.
Everyfuckingwhere.
He does his best to sate himself with Xander. They deserve each other,
really. They deserve to be miserable and unhappy.
How much longer this will go on, he's not sure. Spike's come to find that if
he's rougher than usual or if he bites a little harder the chip doesn't go
off. Whether this is due to Xander's willingness to let Spike do what he
wants or if the chip is malfunctioning, he doesn't know. He only knows that
several nights he's gotten carried away and bitten Xander, drawing blood but
no pain in his head.
This isn't what he wants or who he wants. But it will have to do for now.
It's all he has.
End
