Comfortably Numb 
by Kirasmommy

Spike lay back slowly on the makeshift bed in the middle of the crypt. His 
eyes fluttered close as he felt himself start to float. He felt completely 
comfortable, as the air around him seemed to hum with a life of its own. The 
syringe fell out of his hand as a fey smile crossed his lips. No pain, no 
sound, no problems. No dreams of a better unlife, no nightmares of the 
reality, he was comfortably numb. No chip in his head, no pain from 
borderline starvation, no heartbreak of an unrequited love just the floating 
sensation as he briefly opened his eyes and watched the ceiling float away 
from him. 

His limbs felt extremely heavy and held him down with the feeling of having 
been swaddled and protected from the world. Hid from the pain of the world 
and cuddled to the bosom of his long dead mother. Thoughts were impossible 
to complete which was of the good, fragments of thoughts floated freely 
around his head swaddled in cotton and protected from the pain the thoughts 
might bring. 

He felt completely relaxed and drifted on a sea of contentment. Images of 
Buffy traveled through his mind randomly without ever landing on anything of 
substance. Far away he could hear the sound of scraping and his eyes closed 
once more as his last trace of consciousness fled as footsteps made their 
way closer to him. 

He didn't feel himself being lifted by someone's arms or anything else from 
that point on. 

He didn't know how long had passed since he had given himself the last dose 
from his small bottle as he woke up but he did know he was not where he had 
started out. He tentatively touched the soft quilt on the bed as he looked 
around. He did not know this place. He still felt lethargic as he stood 
slowly by the bed and made his way out of bedroom. It wasn't until he was 
half way across the room that his eyes fell onto the dresser holding the 
picture frame with Anya's picture in it. He picked it up and peered at it 
closely as he brain tried to make the connection. Only slowly did he realize 
that he knew who would have such a picture in his bedroom. {The whelp 
would.} He thought vaguely. 

He blinked around him slowly. {Time to go home.} He gingerly opened the door 
and walked out nearly stumbling out of the room. He was only vaguely aware 
of the young man with dark hair that stood up as he slowly made his way to 
the door he hoped would lead to outside. 

"You don't want to go out there. The sun is up now." Xander told him. 

Spike stared at him trying to process what was being said. 

"You're still high aren't you? Can you understand me?" Xander asked him as 
he came closer to the bleach blond vampire. 

Spike blinked at him a few times before shaking his head slightly and trying 
to focus. "Why?" 

Xander took Spike's arm and led him to the couch where he promptly 
collapsed. "Buffy figured you were up to something since you've been laying 
low for the last few weeks. She wanted to check it out. See what you were up 
to but she had a major end of the world thing to take care of. So I said I 
would check up on you." 

Spike stared at him. 

"I...was...checking...up...on...you." Xander told him slowly. 

"Oh." Spike said nodding slowly. "I'm fine. I have to go home now." 

Xander shook his head and in a second Spike was mimicking the motion with 
his own head until he started to look dizzy and vaguely sick. 

Xander leaned closer, "The SUN is out. Sun makes you go POOF...all gone!" 

Spike seemed to try and think about that. 

Xander rolled his eyes. "Just go back to sleep I'll talk to you when your 
brain gets back from vacation." 

Xander grabbed Spike under the arm again and led him back to the bed. 
"Sleep!" 

Spike shrugged and lay down only vaguely feeling the hands patting his pants 
down. As Spike's eyes closed once more Xander grimaced and walked out of the 
room grabbing the black duster he had grabbed before leaving the crypt. He 
had searched every pocket and even felt the lining of the coat. Just to make 
sure that there was nothing there. 

As the phone rang he answered it quickly catching it on the second ring. 
"Hello?" 

He listened to the bright voice on the other end for a minute and then 
answered slowly. "No, I didn't find him. He wasn't there. Maybe he left 
town." 

He listened for a few more seconds then said, "Good-bye" before replacing 
the phone on its hook slowly. 

He looked back toward the door and shook his head. "No one home yet." He 
told himself quietly. 

He sat back on the couch to wait. 

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It was hours before he heard any sounds from his bedroom. The door slammed 
open as Spike walked quickly out of the room. "What the bloody hell am I 
doing here?" 

"Sleeping it off." Xander told him gruffly. "What alcohol wasn't enough 
anymore?" 

Spike glared at him. "I don't need you to fucking judge me." 

"I'm not going to judge you. But you can't keep using..." Xander started. 

"And why the hell not? It isn't like it can kill me, I'm not bothering 
anyone and you have all made it clear that you don't want me around. So FINE 
I won't be around so then you take it upon yourself to come bother ME! And 
when I'm doing something that messes with your tiny sense of morality you 
decided that oh what? I'm going to save Spike from himself?" Spike ranted as 
he walked around the room growling, Vampface on full. "I don't WANT to be 
saved." 

Xander glared back and asked. "So are you saying that if you wanted to be 
saved there is something to save you from?" 

Spike felt his eye twitch as he tried to figure his way through the 
sentence. He was not as packed in cotton as he was but he wasn't entirely 
out from under the effects of the powerful drugs. 

Spike shook his head, "What do you care anyway?" 

"Maybe I don't. Maybe I do. What has gotten so bad that you need to make it 
go all away?" Xander asked softly. 

Spike shook his head. "No, no, I won't be sucked into believing you care." 

He tried to push past the young human only to be stopped by a hand. Spike 
struggled briefly. "You can't even fight me off a little bit can you? You 
are nothing but skin and bones. Trying to kill yourself? Is that what all 
this is about? Because there are easier ways you know." 

Spike growled low in his throat. 

"Not impressed o' fang-less one." Xander said as he pushed the fragile 
vampire back toward the couch. 

"What are you running from?" Xander asked him. 

"What makes you think I'm running. Maybe I just like the way it feels." 
Spike shot back. 

"Of COURSE you like how it feels! I'm not an idiot." 

"You wouldn't understand anyway." Spike said as he rubbed at his head. 

"Try me. I might understand better than you think." Xander said turning 
completely to him. 

Spike stared at him with a look of contempt upon his face. 

Xander slowly began to roll up his sleeves before leaning over and baring 
his arm to the vampire. His finger danced over faint white scars. 

"They're almost gone now. Hell they were faint before Buffy ever showed up. 
Because by then I had learned the proper way to hide what I was doing. Had a 
great teacher, Uncle Roy was also a great source too." Xander pulled his 
sleeves back down and buttoned up the cuffs. 

Xander looked expectantly at Spike. "Did it through most of High School in 
fact. Only I went for the speeding not the sleeping." 

"You've stopped though." Spike said. 

"Yes I've stopped. I decided I wanted to live a little longer. Also I don't 
think I need it anymore. Not that anyone really NEEDS it I mean you might 
think you do but you really don't." 

"So babbling had nothing to do with drugs it is just your natural state." 
Spike rolled his eyes. 

Xander smirked. "Yeah something like that. Want to tell me why you think you 
need it?" 

"Not really." Spike growled at him. 

Xander shrugged. "Fine, whatever. But whatever it is isn't going to go away 
just because you sleep through it. It isn't going to fix it and you will 
still have the problem when you wake up. This won't fix it, it don't even 
hide it." 

"I don't care." 

"I know you don't. But someday when you wake up you will but what will it be 
like by then? You already look like you haven't fed in weeks. Sure this 
won't kill you, sure it won't even have a long lasting effect...that is 
unless someone kills you while you are doped up. And SURE it isn't hurting 
anyone. But it will also not solve anything either. What kind of existence 
is one that you don't even get to exist IN, because when you sleep you 
aren't even...well...alive?" 

"A better one than I'm currently existing in." Spike muttered as he grabbed 
his duster and walked quickly to the door. He turned to the boy and asked. 
"You didn't tell your friends yet have you?" 

"No, it's none of their business." Xander said quietly. 

"And it's none of yours either." 

He slammed the door after him and Xander sighed quietly to himself as he sat 
down and turned on the television. 

"I'll listen when you want to talk." He said out loud to the empty room. 

On the other side of the door Spike's head fell forward as he nodded 
slightly and started down the hallway. 

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the End