Platypus (I Hate You)
by Jessie Hanson 

Spike glared at his TV as if it would do much good. In
response the television just fuzzed up worse. He threw
a wadded up empty pack of cigarettes at it. What did
you expect on a stolen TV? A little better reception!
He slouched further into his red velvet chair,
flipping the channels for anything remotely came out
clear. Then he hit. Something he had only heard about
but never got to see.

The Demon Network.

It was like any other station; full of sitcoms, music
videos, cartoons, movies, everything. Only this
station featured demons. They weren’t disguised in
human skins unless they happened to be a warlock/witch
or a were beast on a night of no moon. They also had a
magazine circulating around somewhere.

This sparked his interest and it was the only thing
that didn’t make him ponder human existence. They were
featuring some hot demon bands that were sparking
interest in the community.

“Okay,” the announcer, a three-eyed horned creature,
said, “next up is a band that started in the summer of
2000, having just found their lead singer. They call
themselves Supernatural Detectives with Platypus I
Hate You.”

A guitar and drum started up with a fast beat. //Your
rise and fall
Back up against the wall
What goes around is coming back and haunting you
It's time to quit,
Cause you ain't worth the shit
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground.// A
blond-brown haired man with brown eyes was looking at
the camera like a confused puppy, reminding Spike of a
young man who had been rejected by the most beautiful
girl in the world.

//No one loves you and you know it.
Don't pretend that you enjoy it or you don't care.
Cause now I wouldn't lie or tell you all the things
you want to hear.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!// The
blond boy got shoved around by someone who had a look
of hate that easily played with the words.

//I heard you’re sick,
Sucked on that cancer stick.
A throbbing tumor and a radiation high
Shit out of luck
And now your time is up.
It brings me pleasure just to know your going to
die.// The boy was now in the hospital lying on a
gurney. A doctor leaned over him with a mask, a smile
in familiar eyes.

//Dickhead, Fuckface, cock smoking, mother fucking,
Asshole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die
hey.
Red eye, code blue, I'd like to strangle you,
And watch your eyes bulge right out of your skull
When you go down
Head first into the ground.
I'll stand above you just to piss on your grave.// The
heart monitor near the boy began to flatten and still
the doctor smiled.

As the song played, a casket was lowered into a grave.
As the hole was filled, the camera panned up and there
stood two Xanders and three other teens.

Spike’s mouth dropped open as the title of the video,
the publisher, and the band was listed. That was
definitely Xander although he was actually in
fashionable clothes. Spike tried to think of why the
boy was on this channel. He was a demon-magnet; was
that it? Were some of the demon producers planning on
having Xander as part of a celebration dinner?

The announcer, the screen proclaimed his name was
Eyota, smiled at the camera. “I predict great things
for this group. They aren’t your average boy band.
Turn in tomorrow night when they’re on Behind The
Scenes at eight.”

The credits rolled and quickly after that the music to
some soap opera came on. Spike switched the TV off and
drummed his fingers on the armrest. This was most
peculiar.

***

The next day found Spike at a Scooby Gang meeting. He
didn’t want to be there, but Giles had all his blood
with him. He was sipping away at it from a mug the
Watcher had so kindly provided. He half paid attention
to the arguing that was going on about the recent
increase in demons.

The other half of his attention was on Xander. The boy
was jittery and nervous, nothing unusual. He plucked
at his jeans with a twitch. This was just normal
reaction, he kept telling himself. Spike tried to
ignore it, play it off. He HADN’T seen the boy looking
adorable and hot on a demon network.

But he kept seeing Xander cast silent, quick, and
unnoticeable looks to the clock. It was just striking
eight. Xander stood and stretched. “I have to go,” he
announced casually.

Willow looked up, cocking her head. “Xander, you need
to help us get rid of these guys.” She shook her head,
as if realizing the stupidity of the statement. “You
can’t go out with all of the demons around.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“You’ll get hurt!”

“Wills, it’s okay, if I die you’ll be first to know.”
Spike almost snorted with actual laughter at Xander’s
smirk. Xander gave up on arguing when Willow did, who
turned her attention back to the important argument.

Spike tossed in a flippant comment, or a strategy to
get them killed, every so often during the next hour.
But that was wearing thin. A vampire could only stand
so much talk. Anyway, the interview the Demon Network
promised was going to be on in a few minutes.

Spike left without any words, not caring if they
noticed or not. Demons were hidden all over the walk
to his crypt. They all were jabbering excitedly about
something in their own tongues. Sunnydale kept getting
weirder and weirder.

He opened the door to his crypt and threw himself in a
chair. He flipped on the TV as he struggled from his
duster without having to move too much. The TV was
ending the rolling theme to Behind The Scenes and
focused on five teens and an older gentlemen.

“Hi, I’m Chaos,” Xander smiled, “and they pushed me
into dragging you guys along on a day in the life.”

The other Xander shoved himself in front of the
camera. “Ever wonder what everyday life is like for
you average Noodle Boy? Huh? Huh!!? Answer me!!! Damn
you!! Mom, they keep laughing!!” He skittered back to
the older gentleman.

“…That was my brother Mayhem.” Xander pointed out.
“The guy next to him is our manager James, or Jamie.”
He pointed to the others. “These are Frost, Flash, and
Cheshire Cat. Together we’re Supernatural Detectives.”
Xander gave a wink and a peace sign.

The cameras followed them as they went about their
business. This included a recording of a CD and band
practice. They were humble and funny, they explained
what they were. It was made to make everyone love
them. And it was working. They followed the teens as
they relaxed and played. It promised magazines of
them! It all ended on their newest music video, “Going
Away To College”.

//Please take me by the hand
It's so cold out tonight
I'll put blankets on the bed
I won't turn out the lights
Just don't forget to
Think about me and I
Won't forget you
I'll write you once a week she said// A young man
stared out the window, wrapped in a throw blanket. The
window was frosted over in ice yet no snow outside was
falling.

//Why does it feel the same to fall in love or break
it off?
And if young love is just a game then I must have
missed the kick off
Don't depend on if she ever followed you or anything
but
I'd go through hell for you and

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared, so here's your valentine
A bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to
me// A picture sat upon the dresser of a young couple.
They both seemed so happy. The boy walked through a
black and white crowded streets. The girl in the
picture was blond and the boy had pointed dark brown
hair.

//I think about the times, she kissed me after class
and
She put up with my friends, I acted like an ass
I ditched my lecture, to watch the girls play soccer
Is my picture still hanging in her locker?// The boy
watched from the bleachers as the girl ran across the
field, kicking a soccer ball. The girl seemed so
powerful and capable.

//I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I’m so unprepared, so here's your valentine
A bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I’m so unprepared, so here's your valentine
A bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful//
But as the song continued, the two seemed to begin to
argue. They kissed and hugged, but you could tell they
weren’t happy. As it ended, the young man drove away
in his car. The picture of them together came
fluttering to the ground.

Spike gapped with open shock.

***

As the days progressed, Supernatural Detectives proved
no down fall. The demons of the world adored their
music, enjoying even the human reference in them
sometimes. Magazines, TV shows, everyone wanted to
bring them into the spotlight. But the band wasn’t
egotistical; only certain shows got certain members.

Xander still managed to be around with the Scooby Gang
long enough for them not to suspect anything. It just
made things fascinating for Spike. Not to mention he
was falling in love with the music they played like
any teenybopper.

He shook himself from these thoughts, turned his eyes
from Xander to Buffy. Buffy was going in for the kill
when Xander tripped and plowed into her side. The
vampire ran off. “Xander!” Buffy said in a furious
tone.

“Buff!” Xander said, “I am so sorry! A…root or
something was up and I tripped!”

Buffy gave a harsh sigh, glaring at him, “Be more
careful then next time! That vamp got away thanks to
you! If it kills someone, it’s on your conscience.”
She stalked off, leaving him alone.

The vampire that had been almost killed came up to
him. “Uh, thanks for saving me,” the creature of the
night said awkwardly.

Xander let out a grin, “Not a problem.” He held out
his hand; Spike was shocked at this easy interaction.

The vampire took it and then paused. “Now I remember
you! You’re…from Supernatural Detectives, right?”
Xander nodded, still grinning. “Oh wow! I’m
Christopher and I am such a huge fan!” Every single
fan, to Spike’s surprise, could tell the difference
between Kelly ‘Mayhem’ Lavelle.

Xander rubbed his hair, chuckling, “Thanks. Working
with the Slayer does get me out among my fans.” He
then did something that shocked both vampires, he
hugged Christopher. The young vampire squealed in
delight. “I also like to be in touch with my fans,” he
laughed, which Christopher joined in on. But then
Christopher had to leave, for fear that the Slayer
would come back.

“Bye, Chaos!” he called as he walked away.

“Later, Christopher!” came Xander’s answering reply.
He turned around to face where Angel was. But Xander
hadn’t seen or heard him; he was just taking a way
home.

“Interesting music you play,” Spike finally appeared,
falling into step beside the boy. Amazingly enough,
Xander didn’t jump or freak.

“You saw,” was all he said.

“Yes,” the vampire admitted. “Why not tell the
others?”

“Which part?”

“Both.”

“Buffy never liked me that much without Willow, she’d
kill me within a minute.” Xander sighed, “And you
wonder why I don’t tell the Slayer that I’m on the
Demon Network?”

Spike bowed his head slightly in acceptance. “Would
have been nice if I had known I was friends with a
star.”

Xander looked side ways at him. “We’re friends? As
in…people who like each other?”

Spike laughed. “Yes. I like you. Happy? You’ve been
the only one to never lie to me and tell me what you
really think. I…kind of respected that in you.”

“Hey, we’re both pathetic, we gotta stick together,
right?” Xander slung an arm around Spike’s shoulders
and chuckled slightly.

Spike grinned, “That we do, that we do.”

***

Xander mussed up his hair and tried to keep his eyes
alert as he walked up to Giles’ apartment. It wouldn’t
do to not show up after all the effort he made to have
some time. He opened the door and got his limbs to be
lanky as they normally were when he was here.

But he stopped short as a magazine was shoved into his
face. It was called Slice and the name of the issue
was X-Files. Xander’s eyes widened as he remembered
that was the title they had come up with for Xander’s
interview. He looked around frantically for Angel; he
could have done, but he wasn’t there.

“Where did you get that?” he finally demanded it.

“Angel got it off some demon we killed and showed it
to us.” Buffy glared at him, “When we’re you going to
inform us that you were a demon pop sensation? I would
have asked for an autograph.”

“It happened, on my trip,” this wasn’t how he wanted
them to find out. He didn’t want them to know at all.

“And you didn’t tell us you were a demon?” Riley
demanded. Buffy slammed Xander against the wall.
“That’s something you tell your ‘friends’, Xander.”

“This explains why you were screwing up. You must have
wanted us to fail.” She got up in his face. “But it
didn’t work, we’re better than you.”

Xander summoned his strength and pushed her way. “It’s
not like that!”

Willow stared at him, shaking her head. “You’re why me
and Oz first broke up! I would never have done
anything like that with…you!”

“No, Will…!” Xander tried to explain but there was no
way he possibly could. They were looking at him in a
new light, even Giles was. Xander backed away from
the, on the brink of tears. Buffy’s hand was pulling
out a stake ever so slowly. He ran from the house.

He had trusted these people with his life. Sure he
hadn’t told them all of the truth, but that was for
his sake, not there’s. Now he had his life pulled out
from under him. The one life he was basing on. He just
couldn’t go back to the norm of reality…

The End