Sandy Places on the Ground
by Wolfling and James Walkswithwind

Part One  Part Two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five  Part Six  Part Seven  Part Eight  Part Nine  Part Ten  Part Eleven  Part Twelve  Part Thirteen  Part Fourteen  Part Fifteen  Part Sixteen  Part Seventeen 

Part One

He had to admit, looking at the world through goggles -- even 
special demon-grade ones with the blue tinting -- was sometimes 
enough to make him feel more academic. Then again, given his 
subject, perhaps it was 'academonic'? Xander glanced over at his 
semi-study partner, and bit his tongue on the giggles.

Willow was carefully measuring out some unnamed ingredient, the tip 
of her tongue showing between her lips as she concentrated. Xander 
watched her, waiting kindly until she had poured the stuff into a 
beaker before asking, "Do you still have the silver pipet?"

"Yeah. It's...um..." She looked around the table, eyes lighting as 
she spotted it. "There." Picking it up, she handed it to him.

"Thanks." He took it, but didn't turn back to his own experiment 
just yet. The scene struck him as odd, and for a moment he just 
wanted to enjoy it.

Willow noticed his continued regard. "What? Do I have powdered 
mugwart on my nose or something?"

Grinning, he shook his head. He pushed the goggles up onto his 
forehead, and blinked for a moment as his eyes adjusted. "I just 
never thought...."

"Thought what?" She cocked her head to the side, looking at him 
curiously.

He waved his hand towards his table, covered with paraphernalia both 
recognizable to the average chemist and not. "I'm actually having 
fun with this stuff," he admitted. "Heck, I may even start enjoying 
trig, if this keeps up."

"Now don't go getting too crazy on me, Xander," she teased, smiling 
at him.

"Hey, can I help it? Who knew under all this was a wild scholar 
just waiting to get out?"

"Offhand, I'd say Giles, since he gave you your stuff in the first 
place. But I always knew you were smart. You just needed to find 
something that interested you."

Xander shrugged, turning back towards his experiment. He'd been 
working through the textbook Giles had given him for his birthday, 
and halfway through the summer Willow had discovered what he was 
doing. They'd begun studying "together", she on her wicca, inspired 
by Ms. Calendar's own interests, and he on the demon chemistry. It 
was nice, and comfortable, to be working with Willow nearby. 

Even though she was wrong. He hadn't needed something to interest 
him. He'd needed the freedom to care.

"So what is it that this experiment supposed to do?" Willow asked, 
shaking him from his thoughts as she looked at his setup with 
interest.

"Um, actually, if it works it's supposed to blow up the school." He 
gave Willow a wink, since she could see who had walked into the room 
behind them and he, supposedly, could not. Having reflective silver 
equipment was sometimes extra useful.

"You didn't study for the English test tomorrow, did you?"

"I was busy."

"You do remember that the reason Principal Snyder is so hard on 
Buffy is because she burned down her last school?" came a reasonable 
voice from behind Xander.

He turned and looked up at Giles who was looking at him 
soberly,though by now Xander could tell when he was serious and when 
he wasn't. His eyes always gave it away. "Oh, it's ok," Xander 
replied breezily. "This experiment hasn't worked right, yet."

"Just remember if you get expelled, you'll be grounded for the next 
two years."

Xander raised an eyebrow, ignoring the way Willow was stifling her 
laughter. "If I'm grounded for the next two years, you realize 
that'll be me, at home? All the time?"

Giles smiled. "It'll be worse than that. I'll have to home school 
you."

"You wouldn't just make me get a job at the Tastee Freeze?" Xander 
smiled, but the joke reminded him of a time when it wouldn't have 
been all that funny. His parents had always said-- He cut off the 
train of thought and gave Giles a rueful grin, glancing towards his 
still-bubbling experiment. "I'm doomed to have a career, aren't I?" 

"Yes." Before Giles could say anything else, the door opened again 
and Cordelia came in. 

"Hey, Cordelia, gracing us with your presence?" Xander made it 
almost sound sincere.

"It's not by choice, believe me." She turned to Giles. "Buffy said 
to tell you she's finished with the thing and is ready for the next 
thing."

Xander didn't hide his grin; Giles, on the other hand, was keeping a 
very straight-face. Practically. "Ah, yes, thank you, Cordelia. 
Willow, I believe I'll need your assistance?"

"Oh. Sure." Willow gathered her things up and moved to join the 
librarian. "See you later, Xander."

"Come by the library when you're done and we'll pick something up 
for dinner on the way home," Giles told him as he turned to leave. 
"Provided, of course, you haven't blown up any portion of the school."

"*Any* portion?" Xander looked at him, dismayed. "Even just the 
lab?"

"No explosions."

Xander frowned. "You don't love me anymore." It gave him a shiver 
when he realized he'd picked that phrase up. He *had* to stop 
hanging out with Spike. And it had only been twice all summer. Plus 
one time that hadn't been much more than a 'hi' and a liplock.

"That didn't work when you wanted a raise in your allowance, it's 
not going to work now," Giles told him sternly. Though it might not 
have gotten him a raise, it had gotten him a new computer game he'd 
wanted. 

He wondered what he'd get this time. He wondered if he should feel 
guilty about playing on Giles' emotions in order to get presents. 
That thought suddenly *made* him feel guilty, and he turned towards 
his experiment. If it didn't feel so nice to be given gifts for a 
change, he'd stop pushing for them. 

"Way to use the emotional blackmail there, Xander," Cordelia told 
him after Giles and Willow left.

"Thanks," he said brightly. "Learn from the best."

"Oh, this was taped to your locker." She handed over an envelope 
with his name printed on it. In a very familiar handwriting.

He stared at the note, knowing he didn't want to open it. He didn't 
*care* what it had to say. So he opened it anyway, because if he 
didn't he'd only keep wondering, until he did.

"Since your so-called what's his face apparently never lets you 
answer the phone, I'm resorting to leaving this. Hope you're happy, 
making me sneak in here, leaving this note like a secret pal or 
something. That give you a charge? Knowing what you've done to me? 
Acting like I don't got the right to talk to my own kid? It's long 
past time this nonsense was over with. You get back where you 
belong, get these stupid notions out of your head that you mean 
anything to these people. You and I both know it's just charity, 
and I taught you long ago that Harrises don't take no charity. 
You've embarrassed us enough. Get back home. Now."

Xander stared at the note in disbelief. It had to be someone's idea 
of a sick joke. 

"Xander?" Cordelia asked in an uncertain tone. "Your face just went 
all...you know. Icky."

He glanced up. "Yeah." He felt sorta...icky. He'd stopped by his 
locker only a half hour ago, and there had been no note. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Great. Shouldn't I be?" Which meant he'd been just down 
the hall....

"Most people who are great don't look like that."

He started to snap back at her, and stopped himself. The brief 
surge of anger spun away, and he felt empty. "Yeah, well, most 
people don't get notes at school from their dads."

Cordelia looked confused. "Why would Giles send you a note?"

For a moment Xander's jaw just hung open. Then he smiled, which 
became a somewhat hysterical grin. "Not Giles." He wondered if his 
father was still on school grounds. He leapt off his chair. 
"Cordelia? Where was Buffy going to be when she asked you to send 
Giles after her?"

"The library. Where else? Not Giles? Then who-" Her eyes widened as 
she figured it out.

It wasn't the threats that were in the note that worried him. Well, 
not those which worried him most. It was the chance of running into 
him again.... Xander turned to his experiment, turning off the 
Bunsen burner and putting away what little he had to to ensure no 
actual explosions or stained table-tops would occur. Then he turned 
back to Cordelia, and, amazing himself, asked, "Would you come with 
me to the library?"

She reached out and touched his shoulder, her expression showing an 
empathy that most did not think her capable of. "Sure, Xander."

"Thanks." He didn't go so far as to try to take her hand; he didn't 
need her to know how scared he was. It was weird to be feeling this 
way -- he'd fought and killed all manner of monsters. Why was he 
shaking at the thought of seeing this one?

He kept a hyper-aware watch as they walked down the hallway. 
Listening to Cordelia talking with only enough attention to say 'Uh-
huh' as she filled the silence, he kept lookout for any sign. When 
they reached the library he nearly ran inside.

Giles was standing a few feet away from Buffy, Willow sitting on the 
table in between them. They all turned to look at him when he 
entered and Giles immediately stepped towards him, seeming to sense 
something was wrong. Xander wondered why he wasn't running across 
the room yet, leaping at -- possibly behind -- Giles. That was why 
he'd come, for protection. But for some reason, he couldn't make his 
feet move.

Luckily he didn't have to. Giles was coming to him, not stopping 
until he was directly in front of him, hands resting on Xander's 
shoulders. "What's wrong?"

He found himself caught in Giles' eyes. Unable to break the gaze, 
Xander held out the note. Dimly, he heard Cordelia say, "It was on 
his locker."

Giles took it from him, and Xander watched as his eyes dropped to 
the paper to read it. When he looked up again, Giles' face was white 
with rage.

And apparently he was still conditioned, despite all his evidence to 
the contrary. Because he backed up, one step and he bumped 
Cordelia. Rage was bad. Rage was to be avoided at all costs, even 
pride and love and safety. He was shaking, and he was suddenly 
afraid he was going to lose something.

Again, Giles seemed to be totally tuned in to his feelings because 
his face smoothed out into an expression of worry and caring. "Could 
the rest of you excuse us, please?" Giles asked, his eyes never 
leaving Xander's. 

"Sure, Giles," Willow said softly, her voice subdued with her own 
worry. She and Buffy moved past them to join Cordelia.

Even now, he hadn't broken the line of his gaze. Trapped by Giles' 
eyes -- searching for the remnants of anger, or the love which ought 
to be there, too. His brain started working again, asking him why 
the hell he's trying to run away.

Giles slowly opened his arms, mutely offering an embrace. 

Xander dove for safety. Straight into Giles' arms, closing his eyes 
and ducking his head just a bit, enough to feel like maybe, if he 
didn't move, he could feel like he was hiding there. His guardian's 
arms closed around him, holding him tightly, protectively. "It's all 
right," Giles murmured. "I've got you."

Xander realized his panic was leaving; replaced by two very 
important things. The first, that nowhere on earth felt as good as 
this spot, right here, did. The second, that it was going to have to 
stop happening if he wanted Giles to never know. The curse of a 
young man's hormones, that as soon as fear faded everything else 
kicks in again. He still had time, though, before his body told 
Giles more than he needed to know. He stayed nestled in the embrace, 
counting the seconds before he had to pull away.

Giles continued to murmur comforting words and hold him. Taking a 
deep breath, Xander dragged himself together and let go. It was 
probably his imagination but Giles seemed oddly reluctant to let him 
move away. "You're all right?"

Nodding, Xander found himself stammering an all-too-unconvincing, 
"Yeah." He tried another deep breath, said in a much steadier voice, 
"I'll be OK. I just-- didn't know if he was still...around." Still 
didn't know, but he was no longer so afraid. Now that his reflexes 
had had a chance to calm down, he knew that rage had been directed at 
his father. Knew it was there to protect *him*.

"He won't even get close to you," Giles told him, fierce 
determination shining through.

This time the smile was there, without further hint of fear. He 
wanted to say something, acknowledge what was in those words. All he 
could think was something he didn't know how to say.

"Why don't we go home?"

Relieved, Xander nodded. Again he stifled the impulse to reach out 
for Giles' hand. He had no idea where the need came from -- a 
peculiar thing to start doing at his age. 

Spike might let him, though. He'd probably enjoy it.

Giles reached out and laid a hand against his back as they headed 
out of the library, the gesture half-guiding, half-protective. 
Xander made sure he didn't step away from that hand.

***************

Giles was gathering his things, glancing up at his clock. He 
muttered something under his breath that Xander couldn't quite make 
out, but he thought the words "Snyder" and "insensitive lout" were 
prominently featured. Xander tried not to let Giles hear him laugh -- 
he didn't think he could keep a straight face while being lectured 
about showing proper respect for the principal.

He also tried not to watch Giles as he went from room to room, 
gathering the things he needed for the meeting Snyder had called. He 
didn't want to make Giles think he was anxious about his going. He 
must've given something away however, because when he reached the 
front door, Giles stopped and looked at him with concern. "Are you 
sure you'll be all right here alone?" he asked. 

As casually and believably as he could, Xander nodded, replying, 
"Yeah, I'll be fine." When Giles still looked doubtful, he added, 
"Besides, Willow gets back at 1. I can go hang with her." Truth 
was, he wasn't sure he was as fine with it as he sounded, but he 
wasn't about to give in to being too scared to stay out of Giles' 
shadow.

"If you're sure," Giles said uncertainly. "You know you can always 
come with me."

Xander's eyebrows rose of their own accord. "Go to school? On 
Saturday? For a *meeting*?" He wasn't *that* freaked out.

"Ah yes. A fate worse than death. Silly me." He slid the folders 
he'd retrieved into his briefcase. "If you're all right then, I must 
be off. To school. On Saturday. For a meeting."

Xander couldn't help laughing. At Giles' look of disgust, he found 
himself laughing harder. 

With a weary, long suffering sigh, Giles opened the door. "If you do 
go out, just be back by sunset."

Xander rolled his eyes. "D'uh!" Then he grinned. "Cheer up. When 
I'm the grown-up again, I'll have to go to meetings. Probably."

"I will look forward to gloating about it." Then Giles was gone.

Xander followed him to the front door, and made sure it was locked 
behind him. Then he turned around, briefly considered the chores and 
homework he had to do over the weekend -- then headed for his 
computer. Willow had started bragging about her accomplishments in 
Myst. It was time to show her that no genius could defeat a slacker 
boy with time on his hands.


Half an hour later, he gave up in frustration. He couldn't sit 
still, couldn't quiet his thoughts enough to even concentrate on the 
game. He jumped up and went into the bathroom and gave cleaning a 
try. Ten minutes into that he threw the rag down and headed for the 
kitchen.

A snack kept him busy for as long as it took to inhale -- then he 
was wandering into the living room looking for something else. 
Homework - four minutes. Magazine, three. Newspaper, channel 
surfing, staring at the ceiling - thirty minutes. He tried calling 
Willow, just in case she was home three hours early.

No luck.

He'd felt like this before, but not for a long while. It had been a 
fairly common occurrence back when he still lived with his parents -- 
a restlessness that grew out of unease. Fear. He felt like his skin 
didn't fit, itching on the inside where he couldn't reach. It made 
him jump at every little noise. Every car engine that pulled into 
the lot made him tense, waiting for the sounds to follow, of 
footsteps to the door. 

He couldn't stay. Grabbing his keys, he ran through the apartment, 
turning off lights before heading to the door. Where could he go? 
Too early for the Bronze. Buffy was out with her mom, Willow was 
gone, anyplace else he hung out was...well, his father knew where 
everyplace was.

Except one.

The one place not even Giles or Willow knew about.

He told himself he was absolutely out of his mind, thinking of going 
there. There was every reason to think it was just as dangerous as 
going to his folks' house and yelling 'here I am!'. But even as he 
was thinking that, he was heading in the direction of the abandoned 
factory. It was dangerous, it was stupid, it was crazy. But that 
didn't seem to be stopping him.

As he got nearer, he found himself getting both more nervous, and 
more certain this was what he wanted to do. It occurred to him that 
maybe Spike wouldn't be there -- but where else would he be during 
daylight? The building was now looming in front of him. If he had any 
sense whatsoever, he'd be turning back, he told himself.

Apparently he didn't have any sense.

He went inside, the place was unchanged from the last time he'd been 
here. There was no immediate sign of Spike, which probably meant the 
vampire was sleeping. Xander told himself to run those words through 
his head again, and focus on the important one. Vampire. 

Nope, no sense. He wasn't leaving.

His footfalls echoed eerily in the empty expanse, and despite 
everything, he felt tendrils of unease climb up his spine.

"Miss Edith, you must be nice and not scare away our guest." A sing-
song voice came from the shadows, echoing just enough that he 
couldn't tell exactly where it came from.

Xander froze.

Drusilla walked out, carrying her doll. She looked at him, slyly, 
before smiling at the doll and saying, "No, you mustn't eat him. He 
belongs to Spike. Spike won't share."

Swallowing with a suddenly dry throat, Xander pasted a smile on his 
face. "Um...hi Drusilla. Is Spike around?"

Swaying back and forth, she watched for a long moment before 
answering. Xander wondered what she was listening to -- and decided 
he really didn't want to know. "Come, now, Miss Edith. It is time 
for good little girls to go to bed." She turned and walked away from 
him, his presence apparently forgotten.

He let out a cautious sigh of relief as she disappeared into the 
shadows. Turning back towards the room he'd shared with Spike 
before, Xander went in search of his...so what *was* he going to call 
him? Lover? Boyfriend? Suck buddy?

His addiction, he thought, entering the room and seeing Spike asleep 
on the bed. Something that was unquestionably bad for him but that he 
couldn't seem to resist.

Spike didn't move as he approached. Sound asleep, he looked...just 
as sexy and dangerous as he did when awake. He took another step 
closer, almost to the bed, and Spike's eyes snapped open. The smirk 
that passed for a bemused smile appeared instantly and gave Xander an 
irrational -- or not -- urge to slap it off his face. "You know you 
could at least pretend to be worried I'd come to stake you," he said, 
irritated.

Spike sniffed. "I keep hoping you will. Or let me stake you." 
Spike shifted slightly, not getting off the bed, but rather making 
room.

Xander perched on the edge of the bed, nervously.

Spike raised his eyebrows. "Oh, what?"

"What what?"

"You telling me you came here to just look at me? Not that I could 
blame you, of course."

"No. Not just to look." He couldn't bring himself to say what he did 
want. He wasn't even certain he knew himself what it was.

But Spike's smirk turned into a welcoming smile, and he held out his 
hand. "Come on, then."

Xander found himself moving forward eagerly before he'd even thought 
of it. Probably for the best. Around Spike, thinking wasn't his 
strongest suit anyway. But that wasn't what he'd come here for. 
What he'd wanted, what he was getting, as Spike caressed his arms, 
leaning forward and licking Xander's lips.... 

Spike rolled him easily onto his back, and continued touching him, 
hand gliding up and down his chest. He arched up into the light 
touch, his own hands reaching to wrap around Spike's shoulders and 
pull him closer. Spike mumbled something vaguely encouraging as he 
was brought down into a kiss. 

As they kissed, everything else seemed to hang, steady and silent 
but for a single heartbeat, a single panting breath when the kiss was 
broken. Xander didn't want it to stop. He was so starved for touch, 
for this kind of touch, from holding himself in such tight check all 
the time, that now that he actually had it he couldn't get enough. 

It didn't seem that Spike minded. In fact, the more Xander tried to 
get at him, the more Spike made himself there to be touched. They 
began trying to shed clothing, opening and removing just enough to 
touch skin, then the touching overwhelmed the planning again, and 
there were soft moans and quick, hungry touching.

Somehow Xander ended up on top, his hands holding Spike's wrists 
over his head as he devoured the vampire's mouth and ground his 
erection against the answering hardness beneath him. The way Spike 
was writhing beneath him was delicious, heady. Xander wanted to 
grind them both into the mattress, hard and unyielding. Having this 
powerful, erotic person pinned beneath was a real trip, incredibly 
intoxicating. 

It was also arousing as hell. Xander growled something that Spike 
interpreted to mean 'strip'; he wriggled and shimmied out of his 
jeans, kicking them out of the way even as Xander descended once 
more. His skin was like ice, smooth and electric, vibrating beneath 
Xander's every touch.

His moans were incoherent and yearning, Spike's head thrown back, 
exposing the soft curve of his neck. A sudden impulse made Xander 
lean down and lick along his jugular.

The strangled scream that erupted startled him. Made him do it 
again. He used his teeth, nipping lightly, then sucking on the spot. 
Spike began thrusting hard against him, hanging onto Xander's waist 
and pressing his head farther back yet. All the while he kept 
moaning, until one more bite made him howl.

The sound sent a surge of arousal straight to Xander's groin. He 
thrust once more, hard, and shivered as he came.

He let himself collapse onto Spike, breathing heavily and 
uninterested in doing anything at all which involved moving. After a 
moment he realized Spike was lightly running his fingers up and down 
Xander's back.

"Hmmm...wha-" he mumbled.

"Shh," Spike kissed his cheek, moved a bit and kissed his lips, 
lightly. He continued running his fingers along his back and up into 
his hair, combing gently. 

Shh. He could do that. He laid his head back down and closed his 
eyes, letting Spike's touch lull him into a light doze.

************

Part Two

The light doze was disturbed by Spike moving. Xander opened his eyes and looked around, blearily. He felt like he'd been asleep for 
hours. He glanced at his watch and sat bolt upright.
The reason why he'd felt like he'd slept for hours was that he had. 
"What's wrong?" Spike sounded cheerful and wide-awake. 
"It's after dark." Giles was going to kill him. 

"Yeah? You got a moon allergy?" Spike stretched before jumping out of bed. He grinned at Xander. "You wanna have some more fun?" 

"I can't." He scrambled up, fumbling with his clothes, trying to straighten them into a semblance of propriety. 

Spike watched, eyeing him with blatant appreciation. "Got somewhere to be?" He sounded disappointed. Xander couldn't tell how genuine 
it was.

"Yeah. Two hours ago." How was he going to explain this? Went out for a walk and lost track of time? He couldn't tell the truth very 
well. But sitting here trying to think of a reason wasn't going to help. Letting Giles go from worried to frantic...

"You gonna come back and visit sometime before another three months goes by?" 
Xander paused, looking at Spike. "I don't know," he said honestly. 

Spike met his gaze before shrugging. "Maybe I'll get a phone put in." He said it lightly, then headed out of the room. He glanced 
back at Xander once, but he didn't say anything more.

Xander was surprised to find that a large part of him wanted to go after the vampire, but he firmly squelched that desire. He *had* to 
get home. He headed for the door, seeing Spike going the other way. One more squelched urge to call after him -- to say what, he didn't know, and so he didn't.

Once outside, it occurred to Xander that Giles may be the least of his worries. He still had to make it home. After dark. And he didn't 
have his usual precautions with him.

He hurried away from the factory, towards home, thinking of what he could say. He knew he could always say something about his father -- 
maybe say he'd gone over to see his mother, knowing his father would be gone? Total, utter lies, but it would prevent Giles from asking after the truth. The thought of lying to him, playing on his emotions like that, though, made him feel sick. 

A shadow stepped out in front of him and Xander jumped back, suppressing a yell. 
"Geez! Buy some squeaky shoes, deadboy!" 

Angel didn't show any reaction. "This is a bad part town to be in after dark," he said, stepping closer. 

"Tell me about it," Xander muttered. He realized Angel probably knew who was around, and clamped his mouth shut. The faint frown on 
Angel's face made him hesitate, wondering if he was going to get narked on to Giles.

But if he was going to, he didn't say anything about it. "Come on. I'll see you back to Giles' place." 
They took a few steps before Xander could say, "Thanks." 

It made him nervous, being out with Buffy's mysterious man. Vampire. Even knowing Angel had a conscience didn't allay all his 
fears. He knew humans who had souls, and did far worse than kill you.

Which begged the question: why didn't he feel that way about Spike? It was a question he felt sure was going to keep him awake tonight, 
and no doubt several other nights as well.

He glanced over at Angel, and wondered again what possible cover story he could use - now that he had to convince both Angel and 
Giles. Angel kept glancing sideways at him as they walked, looking like he wanted to say something.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. "Angel," he began, then realized he hadn't decided on what to say. 

"You know, sometimes danger can be very seductive," Angel said conversationally. "But it doesn't make it any less dangerous." 

Oh, yeah. He knew. Xander swallowed his stomach, and his heart, and hoped he could just get home in one piece. Not that he expected 
Angel to go 'grr' on him, but he had a feeling a lecture from Angel would be even worse than one from Giles. Two hundred forty years worth of 'I *know* what I'm talking about.' The problem was, he knew what his response was supposed to be: 'Won't happen again.'
And he wasn't so sure it wouldn't. 

"I'm not going to ask what you've been doing. But don't let your guard down and don't forget that no matter how tame a tiger appears, 
it's still a wild animal. That goes for more than tigers."

At that, Xander laughed. "You're telling me that sometimes people can be dangerous? Even when they aren't supposed to be? Oh, let's 
say, like someone who's supposed to take care of you?" He heard the bitterness in his voice, didn't try to stop it. "Thanks for the newsflash."
"Xander, I didn't mean-" 

"Don't, OK? Just -- I don't even wanna think about it." Which was, after all, why he'd done this. 

When Angel spoke again his voice was calming, accommodating. "All right." A pause. "But if you ever need to talk to someone who's been 
there..."

That made him stop. He looked over, blinking. This was not part of the dark and dreary image of a vampire, cursed. "You what?" he 
whispered.
"My father..." Angel cleared his throat and fell silent. 

Xander stood there silently for a moment. Then he nodded. "Yeah." He turned to walk again, heading away from Spike, heading for home. 
Angel fell into step easily, beside him. 

When they approached Giles' apartment, Xander looked in the front window and could see Giles talking on the phone and pacing. His 
stomach tightened at the look at Giles' face. 
He was definitely in for it. 

"Don't suppose you could bite me real quick and get my painful and messy death over with?" 
Angel shook his head. "Sorry." 

Xander sighed. Nice as it was to know he didn't have to be afraid of Giles' anger, he found he hated it more than he'd ever hated his 
father's wrath. But he headed up to the apartment, Angel still following. Xander reached the door, took a deep breath, and opened the it.

Giles' eyes widened when they came in and he spoke quickly into the phone. "It's all right, Willow. He's just shown up. Yes, I'll have 
him phone you later. Bye." He hung up the phone and stared at Xander, expression unreadable.

Another deep breath, and he said calmly, "I'm sorry. I know -- stupid and dangerous. I'm sorry." 

"Do you know how worried I've been?" Giles' voice was mostly calm but there was a barely detectable tremor that made Xander feel worse. 
"I thought that your father-"

"Perhaps I should go," Angel said quietly. He gave Xander a look, which said everything. 
Giles glanced at him. "Thank you for bringing him home." 

Angel nodded, said only, "You're welcome," then was gone - silently as he'd arrived. 

Xander faced Giles. "I know. I...wasn't thinking. I know it isn't much of an excuse...." 
"Are you all right?" 
"Yeah. I'm all right." 

Letting out a breath in relief, Giles stepped closer, opening his arms. Xander accepted the embrace, feeling somewhat dirty. He knew 
Giles wouldn't be hugging him if he knew the truth. Grounding for two years wouldn't come close. Therefore, he let go sooner than he would have otherwise wanted.

His guardian looked at his face searchingly. "Are you sure you're all right?" 

He sighed. "I didn't mean to make you worry about me." Yeah, it was nice knowing he *did*, but it was definitely not-nice to actually 
make him do so.
"It's nice to know it wasn't deliberate..." 

Xander felt the second drop of his stomach into his shoes for the evening, and wondered if he should just tell it to take up residence 
there. He deserved it, he knew that, but he looked away anyway, unable to meet Giles' eyes. Giles had every right to be angry. All Xander could do was take it. "I'm grounded, again?" he asked, knowing the answer would be yes. At the least.
"Yes. One week." 
That wasn't as bad as he'd thought. Curious, he looked up at Giles. 

Who was avoiding his eyes. "I shouldn't have gone to that meeting. You weren't ready to be left alone-" 

"And what would Snyder have done if you hadn't shown?" He wasn't about to argue that, had he not been left alone, he wouldn't have 
ended up..where he ended up. But making Giles baby sit him wasn't the answer.

Giles shook his head. "That's just...beauracracy. Politics. You're more important than that." 

*That* made all his stomach-twisting worry vanish in a single pop. He tried to point out that he *didn't* need Giles with him every 
minute -- for that was where this would be going -- but he couldn't talk with his mouth stretched so. Reining in the smile long enough to say anything wasn't working, so he ducked his head again.

Gentle fingers touched his chin and lifted his head again. "Next time if you're uncomfortable, say something. Please." 

"I didn't know I was," he admitted. It had only taken half an hour, but he had honestly thought he was...well, ok, uncomfortable only to 
a level he could handle on his own.
And he was still smiling, replaying Giles' words in his head. 
"You could have phoned. And I will expect you to, next time." 
"I thought I wasn't supposed to do it next time?" 
"Well yes, but if you do..." 

"I promise. I'll call." As he stood there, he replayed the words again. Again. It was silly and childish, but, "Am I?" He just 
wanted to hear it one more time.
"Are you...?" 
Losing his nerve, he looked away. "Nothing. I'd better--" 
"Grounded?" 
"Nothing," he said again, and started past Giles. 

Giles hand came out and caught his shoulder. "More important?" he asked quietly. 

He didn't look over. He'd just gotten through telling himself he didn't need to be babied. Babysat, babied, all the same. 
"You are, Xander. Very important to me." 

Xander told himself, even as the words settled in, that he shouldn't have pushed. Awkwardly, he said, "I guess I better call Willow 
back. Let her yell at me, too."
Giles nodded. "Have you eaten?" 

"Um, not since breakfast." High-protein snack *not* included. He turned away so Giles wouldn't ask him about the expression on his 
face. See it written on his forehead, maybe....

"I'll fix you something when you're on the phone. What would you like?" 

"Um, anything that takes a while to cook." He'd been yelled at by Willow before. 

"All right." There was another pause and then Giles added quietly, "I'm very glad you're all right, Xander." 

***********

Part Three

Xander craned his head, looking around, through, and over the 
crowd. He was meeting the gang here and he was late -- Giles had 
dropped him off, no arguments. Would be picking him up later unless 
he called -- *called* -- with a ride home. A safe ride home. 

Xander didn't mind. The suffocating thing would get old eventually, 
he knew. Hoped. Right now he just wanted a soda and a couch with 
some of his friends. Looking around again, he spotted Willow and 
Buffy across the room and made his way over to join them.

He wasn't terribly surprised to see Oz sitting beside Willow. 
Xander fought off a fierce urge to get in the other boy's face and 
growl him off his best friend. But Willow looked happy, the way she 
always did when Oz was near, about to be near, or just someplace 
else, breathing.

'Not fair,' he thought. 'She gets a boyfriend who breathes.' He 
grinned, greeting his friends. "Hey!"

"Hi!" Buffy said. "Finally got parole?"

"Only until next time." He sat down beside her, opposite the Willow-
Oz unit. "I'm not planning a next time, mind you, but I'm assured by 
teenagers everywhere that there will be."

"Take it from the queen of being grounded," Buffy said woefully. 
"There is *always* a next time."

"Wonderful," Xander said in a cheerful voice. He looked over to 
find Willow doing that 'isn't he cute and what are we going to do 
with him' facial thing, and Oz, doing the 'Oz' thing. It sort of 
looked like a happy Oz thing. "So, quiet night? Did I miss the 
beheadings?"

"That comes after the band's last set."

"Oh, good, then I'm not late." Xander settled back, comfortably. 
He glanced around the room, wondering if anyone else he cared about 
was in residence. There was a flash of brunette; when he focused he 
could hear the distinct sound of a familiar laugh. It sounded like 
she was having a good time. The rest of the Bronze was filled with 
the same -- kids dancing, talking, laughing, carrying on. "You'd 
hardly think it was a school night," he said it his best disapproving-
parent voice.

Buffy snorted. "Add a British accent and you'd have nailed Giles."

Xander spent an embarrassingly long two seconds trying not to choke, 
before he could give Buffy what he hoped was a meaningless smile. 
"I'm workin' on it."

"The day you show up at school in a tie and a tweed jacket, I'll 
know you've been fully assimilated."

"Ah, but you, too, shall be overcome," Xander replied, this time in 
what he knew for a fact was a ridiculously inaccurate German accent. 
"Resistance is useless." He noticed that Willow was having very 
definite difficulty controlling her giggles, and Oz had raised at 
eyebrow at him when he glanced over.

"Next thing you'll be imitating the borg."

"Borg?" He shook his head, sadly. "Buffy, Buffy, Buffy...." He 
'tsked', but didn't explain.

"What?" she frowned, as if not certain she should give him enough 
rope for his joke, or not.

But Oz was the one who explained. "Daleks. Pre-dated the Borg."

Xander nodded. "He speaks! That's quota for the day?"

"He has a few more times left," Willow said straightfaced. "I think 
he's saving them up."

Oz nodded. Said nothing.

"See?"

They continued to talk, passing the time with nothing more important 
than old TV shows and late night movies. Xander enjoyed every moment 
of it, not even stopping to wonder why tonight felt so much thicker, 
so much heavier. As if the world were weighing down on him -- not to 
drag him under, but just pressing in on him and holding him 
together. As if the world were saying "Here we are, this is real, 
come and play." 

When Oz had to leave to do a second set, he asked Willow to dance. 
She gave him a pretend-dubious look before accepting, taking his hand 
and leading him out where they could dance -- and she could watch 
Oz. Xander didn't mind. Maybe Oz could enjoy some vicarious 
dancing. It had to be a bummer, sometimes, to be in the band. 

They danced through three songs before the Dingoes played something 
slow -- a glance at Oz showed Xander the friendly look of challenge. 
He considered accepting, dancing with Willow, slowly swaying with her 
in front of her boyfriend who'd written the song. 

A look back at Willow changed his mind. She was staring at the stage 
with a totally starstruck gaze. He sighed, gave in gracefully, and 
headed back towards Buffy. He stopped when he saw she had company -- 
tall, dark, knows too many secrets company. He headed for the bar 
instead, to spend a little of his unill-gotten gain on caffeinated 
syrup. Cordelia was waiting for a drink of her own at the bar when 
he got there.

"Hey." 

"Hi."

"Come here often?" He grinned when she laughed.

"More often than you lately." She gave him a searching look. 

"Yeah, what can I say. The secret life of a double agent isn't all 
fun and glory. Sometimes you actually have to...well, stay home and 
mop the kitchen."

Cordy wrinkled her nose. "Ew. Giles doesn't actually make you do 
that, does he?"

He shrugged. "Someone had to." He gave her a look up and down, and 
asked, "You're wearing a new outfit. Hunting for a new boyfriend, or 
taunting Jacob?" Jacob was the boy Cordelia was 'dating' -- 
depending on who asked and how recently said Jacob had annoyed and/or 
amused her.

"Please. I don't hunt. I grace some lucky boy with my presence."

He looked around, back towards the gaggle she'd been standing with 
earlier. Nope, only girls. He turned back to her. "Only boy I've 
seen you with tonight is - hey!" He smiled triumphantly.

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Why not? No one else does." He took a drink of his soda, and 
wondered when he'd started drinking diet crap. He swapped with 
Cordelia before she could take a drink of her own.

"Hey!" She glared at him.

He took a sip. Yup, this was the real stuff. "What? Don't tell me 
you *want* the extra 150 calories?"

"Are you calling me fat?"

"No." He tried his very best to remain calm. He had just stumbled 
into the realm of 'no-win with angry female'. "I think you look 
great. I just assumed you were ordering your usual diet drink. 
Besides, 0 calories makes it possible to consume an entire candy bar, 
as well." He thought about what he'd just said. "Hey. Now why 
didn't I think of that?" 

Cordelia shook her head. "You are just weird, Xander."

"I thought that was why you-" he remembered his promise to never 
admit in public that she enjoying hanging around him. Private, sure, 
he could get her to even play a rousing game of go with him when they 
were on patrol together. Another thing he was sworn to silence 
about. 

"Don't think."

He nodded. It was about time for her to walk off, go back to her 
power-play and hangers-on. They had their drinks, she couldn't 
reasonably keep standing here talking to him. He should let her go. 

He leaned forward and whispered, "I think it's really brave, being 
seen in public with your hair like this." *Then* he walked off.

**********

Xander went by his locker before fourth period. He was pretty sure 
he still had some candy bars left, stashed away. He'd been as 
surprised as Willow at how hard it was to hang onto them -- although 
in Willow's case, she wanted to sell them. He would have been happy 
to keep them all, himself.

Of course, having Giles buy a box off Buffy helped ease the 
separation anxiety. Some. He grabbed a bar from underneath his 
history textbook, and headed off for class. He hoped the band 
appreciated all his efforts at fund-raising.

By the time school was out, he was seriously thinking of ways to 
sabotage the band's new uniforms so they'd be forced to sell the 
candy again. Soon. He grabbed the remainder of his stash before 
heading over to Willow's to study. Afterwards it was home for supper 
before escaping again to the Bronze. All in all, a perfectly normal 
day. 

Until he got home for supper. The first thing that told him things 
were not normal was the fact that there was no supper. And no Giles. 
He wandered through the apartment, and confirmed -- Giles was not 
home. Normally that sort of thing wouldn't bother him, but normally 
Giles...never did this sort of thing. He was always when and where 
he said he'd be. 

Xander wondered if he should be worried, or look forward to teasing 
Giles about punctuality.

It was almost an hour later when Giles finally came home. At least 
it looked like Giles. He wasn't so sure when he saw what the man was 
wearing. Jeans, white T-shirt, overshirt tied around his waist by 
the sleeves. He looked... well, perhaps he was drunk. Xander 
wandered into the living room from the kitchen, where he'd been 
trying to cook a proper stirfry and making a mess of things. 
Apparently Giles used something besides oil for flavour, only he 
hadn't any idea what. "Giles?"

"Yeah?" He frowned, his nose scrunching up. "What is that horrid 
stench?"

"Um, Chinese radish?" Xander offered. He hadn't thought it was 
going *that* badly. Even if it didn't smell..good, exactly.

"Good thing I ate before I came home. Smells more like something 
that needs to be buried."

Xander blinked, confused at the harshness of Giles' tone. Maybe he 
*was* drunk. "Sorry. I'll go get it cleaned up."

Giles waved him off. "Oh, just leave it. Jenny is coming over and 
it's going to be awfully hard to score if you're still underfoot."

He blinked again. Score? It wasn't like Giles to be so crude. 
Concerned, Xander went back towards Giles to see if he could smell 
alcohol....

"What are you doing?" The man was frowning at him now.

"Nothing." He couldn't smell anything, which meant it could be 
vodka. Or a hit on the head? If he'd found demons or vampires on 
the way home, it would explain a lot. Some, rather. "Are you all 
right?"

"I'm fine. Except that you're still here."

"Oh. Yeah, sorry." Xander backpedaled. He wasn't exactly sure why 
Giles was being so rude about it, but he'd planned on heading to the 
Bronze anyhow. Except he still needed supper. He detoured to the 
kitchen again. "Lemme just grab something--"

Giles gave an exaggerated sigh. "You're really not good at taking a 
hint, are you? Go away. Leave. I don't want you here."

The tone of voice startled him. Xander stared at him, wondering if 
maybe it was just frustration. Maybe he should stay out an extra 
hour to make sure. He'd just go grab his wallet so he could buy 
dinner somewhere, and he'd be out of Giles' hair. "OK, OK, I'm 
going." He headed for his bedroom to get some cash.

His arm was grabbed as he went by Giles. "Wrong way. The door is 
over here." And the next thing Xander knew he was being shoved out 
the front door, which was then closed and locked behind him.

Stunned, Xander stood there, staring at the door. His brain tried 
to explain this to him -- Giles was really needing some time alone -- 
with Jenny, which he could understand. A simple request for an 
evening out would have done nicely. Heck, Xander might even have 
managed a whole night out, if Giles had needed it. Then, though, 
Giles could have stayed at *Jenny's* place. But instead Giles had 
come home, insulted his admittedly pitiful attempt at cooking, and 
then thrown him out.

Without his keys, wallet, or jacket. He raised his hand and knocked 
at the door. 

"Go away!" Even muffled, Giles' voice carried exasperated 
frustration.

For a split second he was frozen, then he turned. And ran.

He barely watched where he was going, running instead on instinct, 
letting his reflexes carry him around and past whatever wasn't empty 
space. It was good, and it was necessary, because his brain wasn't 
paying attention. It was staring in at itself, asking, 'What did I 
do?'

He ran faster, harder, trying to leave the wailing voice behind. He 
didn't know what he'd done, couldn't very well ask, now. All he 
could think was...nothing. 

With each step it felt as though a piece of his heart fell, dripping 
into the pavement like an open wound splattering blood. Each step 
pounded through his bones, crumbling and threatening to crack into a 
thousand bits.

Slowly his brain fell silent and the numbness grew. Spreading from 
his head, down into his throat which stopped its crying, down into 
his chest and arms and legs until he barely realized when he 
collapsed against something hard, and crawled into, under something, 
and stayed.

He drew his knees up, wrapping his arms around them and staring at 
the crates before him which created the haven he'd found. Haven, 
burial ground, he didn't know. Didn't care, because everything that 
had cared or known or thought had been left scattered -- shattered -- 
behind him. He was shaking, and dug himself a little deeper into the 
pile of refuse he'd found.

He'd thought it was going to last forever. Instead, barely a year 
had gone by and now Giles was tired of him, too.

***********

Part Four

He had no idea who was out there, had no idea if whatever was moving 
knew he was there. He stayed still, not for fear of being found but 
simply because there was nowhere to go. No point in moving. If the 
local contingent of 'eat it kill it destroy the human' had come out 
to play, that was fine. He didn't care.

He heard something, a voice, talking low and rhythmically. 
Something told him he might recognize it, but he didn't want to 
listen. He pulled himself farther inside the hollow shell of his 
mind and waited until it went away.

He didn't know how long he sat there, wrapped in nothingness. 
Occasionally he had the feeling someone was near, but if it was 
someone bad, he was far enough away that it couldn't hurt him where 
it mattered. 

Because none of it mattered. In fact, maybe he should go ask 
whatever it was to eat him....

There was a fervent voice telling him it was *not* going to eat him, 
but he didn't know why the voices in his head would be so adamant, so 
he turned his thoughts away again, and went back to being nothing.

Suddenly there was something warm and hard on his arm, dragging him 
out of his haven.

"Xander? Are you all right? God, I'm so sorry. If you're hurt I'll 
never... Look at me...please." 

He turned towards the voice wondering why anyone was bothering him. 
He felt his heart stop again as he saw Giles. It wasn't enough to 
throw him out, now Giles had to follow him as well. Maybe he wanted 
to participate in the more normal game of Xander-bashing. Missed out 
on his fun by getting rid of him too early.

Giles smiled a little when he saw him looking. "That's it. Focus." 
Xander noticed his voice had an odd tone to it, sort of trembling, 
like he was trying to hold back something powerful and emotional.

Xander shook his head. He heard someone whispering, then Angel's 
voice saying "I don't know. I tried talking to him off and on since I 
found him; he wouldn't answer."

But Xander just stared at Giles. He didn't want to go through this 
again. Didn't want to get pulled up and forced to see just how 
little anyone wanted him around.

Giles was looking back, his face serious, almost...tortured? That 
couldn't be right. "I'm sorry, Xander. I didn't mean it. I don't want 
you to go away. In fact that's the last thing I want." His voice 
cracked on the last word.

This was a game Xander knew. Come here, son, I'll make it up to 
you. The making up always hurt worse than the rest of it. Xander 
whispered, "No," and found once he'd said it, he couldn't stop. "No, 
no, no no nononononono--" He tried to back up, but his back was up 
against something which had no give. 

He watched as Giles' expression collapse. "God, what have I done," 
Giles muttered, in a small heartbroken voice full of tears and self-
loathing. Then he was moving forward, pulling Xander's protesting 
body into an embrace.

Xander tried to fight, tried to struggle against the too-strong 
arms, holding him despite his fight to break free. He started 
screaming his 'No's, wanting anything but this, to know that Giles 
would hurt him, too. As he fought he could hear Giles' voice, saying 
something over and over. 

He heard the words 'magic' and 'chocolate', then listened long 
enough to hear "All the adults were drugged." before Giles went into 
the litany again.

Drugged?

Xander stopped struggling as hard.

Giles held him tighter. "I would *never* throw you out, Xander. Even 
drugged, I only wanted the apartment to myself for the evening. Not 
for good. Never that."

"Drugged?" he managed, voice shaking as hard as the rest of him 
was. He raised his head, found Giles staring down at him. Crying.

Giles nodded. "I believe I'm going to swear off chocolate for the 
rest of my life."

Xander was having a problem with his brain. He understood what 
Giles was saying. Even without the details, he could understand that 
somehow chocolate had drugged the adults, and had made them do things 
they wouldn't otherwise do. But he was having trouble getting past 
what *that* meant. That it meant he wasn't thrown out, alone, and 
unwanted?

He flung his arms around Giles' neck, burying his face against 
Giles' shoulder. Giles continued to speak to him, but his voice had 
now dropped to the soft, almost inaudible murmur he had used in the 
past to comfort Xander. One hand came up to cup the back of his head 
while the other began rubbing soothing circles on his back. Xander 
found himself hanging on even tighter. It occurred to him it might 
be too tight, but he couldn't bring himself to loosen his hold. 

Then he made out some repeating words in the quiet murmuring that 
Giles was doing: "You're important to me, Xander."

He started shaking, again, but this was shaking as all the tension 
vanished. It didn't break his grip on Giles -- Xander had a moment 
of clarity to doubt that *anything* could break his grip -- but it 
made the rest of his body limp, exhausted. He found himself trying 
to concentrate on breathing, then, hearing the ragged pull of air 
past a tortured throat. The hand rubbing his back continued to do so 
and he focused on the feeling, using it to calm everything else.

"You think you could stand up?" Giles asked, several minutes later.

"I-" If he could do it without letting go, sure. He wondered if 
they could manage that; reluctantly decided they probably couldn't. 
He moved his arms, getting his feet underneath him. He suddenly 
realized that everyone else was there. Buffy and Angel -- who had, 
perhaps, been there for a while? -- and Willow, Oz, and Cordelia, all 
watching him as he stood. He flushed, felt faintly nauseous. 

Giles seemed to sense what he was feeling, or maybe it was just 
obvious on his face, but either way, his guardian put his arm back 
around him protectively. "Come on," he said quietly. "Let's go home."


Oz dropped them off at the apartment. Xander had dozed in the back 
of the van, leaning up against Giles. He stumbled out, feeling 
Giles' hand on his arm, providing guidance. He heard Willow saying 
something, and tried to pull his attention back to her, but before he 
could focus, Giles was tugging him towards the front door.

They had to pause there for a moment while Giles fumbled with the 
key and lock one-handed, still holding Xander with the other. And 
then the door was open and he was tugging Xander inside. He 
registered enough to realize that, as he went inside, the sky was 
lightening. Morning.

School. Xander groaned. 

"You're all right? You're not hurt I mean?" Giles was running his 
gaze over him, looking for any injuries.

"Huh?" Xander blinked. It felt like his body was drenched in 
rapidly-drying wet cement. He considered the question and replied, 
"I don't know."

"Does anything hurt?"

He shook his head. "My chest hurts. My throat. From.. from 
running." He found himself beginning to sway a little.

Giles' arm went more firmly around his waist, supporting him. "Let's 
get you sitting down," he murmured, helping Xander to the couch.

"Wanna lay down. Do I have to go to school?" He bumped against 
Giles while trying to go around a chair. He grabbed onto Giles' arm, 
clutching it tightly. Maybe too tightly.

If he was, Giles gave no sign. "No, of course not." He got them to 
the couch and gently pushed Xander down.

As soon as he sat, Xander felt himself collapse. The cement was dry 
now, thank you, and he wanted to close his eyes and let himself drown.

"Will you be all right if I go into the kitchen for a few moments?"

Xander nodded. As long as the couch cushions didn't come to life 
and swallow him whole, he'd be great. Anything that didn't involve 
moving was better.

Giles stood and looked at him for a moment more. Then, saying "I'll 
be right back," he headed into the kitchen.

Leaning his head back, he let his eyes close. Several long, deep 
breaths, and he thought about asking Giles if he had a chisel and 
hammer, to chink his way out of the concrete so he could go to bed. 
What only seemed like seconds later, Giles was back sitting beside 
him and handing him a mug of something hot. 

He took it, enjoying the way the heat soaked into his hands. It was 
only then that he realized he was cold. As soon as he noticed, he 
began to shiver, and instinctively brought the mug to his lips to 
take a drink. Hot, strong, and sweet, he had no idea what he was 
drinking. He rather thought he liked it.

"Tea with honey," Giles said softly. "It'll help your throat."

He nodded, and continued sipping it. The warmth spread into his 
chest, into his hands. Holding it close, the heat rose to his face, 
slipping up his cheeks like a lover's hands. If your lover weren't 
undead. Xander grinned at the thought, and closed his eyes.

"Better?" Giles' arm had found its way around his shoulders.

He leaned into the embrace again, and gave a nod. The mug was 
getting heavy, though, and he figured he'd best set it down 
somewhere. That required opening his eyes again, which took a little 
bit of doing.

Giles took the mug from him, setting it on the coffee table. "We 
should get you to bed." 

"Oh, good."

He let Giles help him up, guiding him through the tricky obstacle 
course that was the hallway. They made it unscathed into Xander's 
room and Giles settled him on the edge of the bed. "Do you need any 
help getting ready?"

Xander shook his head. "Lemme fall over and I'll be good."

"Sleep as late as you want. We'll talk later." 

He tried to make an affirmative noise, but then his eyes were closed 
again and he was falling, cement overcoat dragging him down into the 
ocean. 

Then there was utter darkness.

It lasted for he didn't know how long -- but Xander found himself 
wide awake, choking back a harsh whisper, the words he lost as soon 
as he opened his eyes. Heart pounding frantically, all he could 
remember was fear, being surrounded by something that wanted him 
dead, ripped into pieces and buried. He'd been alone, left as 
sacrifice to whatever had stalked him.

He scrambled out of bed and headed for Giles' room, wondering which, 
if any, had been a dream. He paused in the hallway again. He knew 
what Giles had said. Knew what he'd say. 

But he also knew how he felt. Giles could be standing right here 
telling him it was OK to knock, and it was still so hard to actually 
do. The alternative was going back to bed alone, and that made him 
shiver and take another step forward.

Uncertainly, he raised his hand and tried to knock. When his hand 
hit the door barely hard enough to make a sound, he wondered if that 
counted and he could run back to his own bed, now.

Giles voice came through the door, stopping him before he could 
move. "Xander?"

"G-giles?" His voice wasn't much louder than his knock had been, but 
apparently it was enough.

Seconds later the door was opened and Giles stood there in his 
pajamas pants. "What's wrong?" he asked gently, opening his arms to 
Xander.

"I...I had a bad dream." He hesitated before starting to move 
forward. This was everything Giles said was OK, expected. But 
knowing that didn't erase everything he felt. What he *had* felt.

"It's no wonder after last night." When Xander seemed reluctant to 
move, Giles pulled him in and hugged him. "I'm sorry."

"I know it wasn't your fault," Xander said, not liking the tone of 
guilt in Giles' voice. He didn't want Giles feeling bad, he 
wanted... he wasn't sure what he wanted, other than to not be so 
scared. 

"As you could tell, manners and consideration were not my strong 
suits when I was a teenager," Giles said self-effacingly. As he spoke 
he pulled Xander further into the room.

He went willingly, gave Giles a half-smile. "S'ok. Gives me 
ammunition next time I do something stupid." He let Giles pull him 
all the way to the bed and sitting down.

He got an faint smile in return. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Blearily, he looked up at Giles. "I just wanna stop-- I wanna go 
back to sleep. I don't think I can, though."

"Come here." Giles lay down, pulling Xander down with him, both of 
them on their sides, Xander in his arms, back to his chest. "I've 
been told that some of my more esoteric lectures are excellent 
soporifics."

Xander blinked, then started laughing. Two seconds into it his 
entire body was shaking, and Giles' arm was bouncing on top of his 
from the force of it.

"That's not quite the response I was going for, but I'll take it," 
Giles said good humoredly.

The laughter wrenched the last bit of energy from him, though this 
time the exhaustion felt lighter. Smiling, Xander closed his eyes 
again and was almost asleep before his brain asked him if he realized 
where he was. In Giles' bed, with Giles holding him. 

But as he thought it, Giles' arm tightened around him, making it 
clear that the older man wanted him there. Or at least didn't 
begrudge having him there. Or at least -- Xander told his brain to 
shut up and go to sleep. Nightmares be damned. 

He lay there awake only long enough to feel his entire body 
relaxing, enjoying the sensation of being held so tightly, so 
closely. It was a feeling he'd long forgotten. "G'nigh," he mumbled, 
as he felt himself returning to sleep.

"Good night, Xander," Giles voice followed him down into slumber.

************

When Xander woke up, the exhaustion, fear, and tension had 
completely vanished. All he felt was hungry. Starving, actually, 
and he started to crawl out of bed. He froze momentarily when he saw 
whose bed he was crawling out of. But Giles wasn't there, so Xander 
was able to sneak out without having to look him in the eye and 
pretend he hadn't just crawled out of Giles' bed.

He thought about shower and clean clothes, but his stomach voted for 
food; so food it was. He headed towards the kitchen, and stopped 
when he heard Giles talking.

"--asleep right now." There was a pause. "All right might be a bit 
optimistic. I'm focusing on 'home and safe' at the moment."

Unabashedly, Xander stood where he was and listened. He wondered 
who Giles could be talking to.

"Oh, Jenny, it was terrible. He was practically catatonic when we 
found him. That sight is going to stay with me for a very long time."

Xander leaned up against the wall, his stomach clenching. Giles 
sounded like he'd nearly been broken in two.

There was another long pause as Giles listened. "That's kind of you 
to say, but spell or not, it is still my fault." He laughed a bit 
bitterly. "I managed to do in ten minutes what his parents hadn't his 
entire life. They hurt him, but they were never able to make him give 
up on life."

'Only because you made me believe you cared,' Xander thought. He 
wanted to say it, but he wasn't sure he should interrupt this. He 
didn't know why he was hesitating, but whatever his subconscious' 
reasons, he remained where he was.

"I've spent the last year trying to get Xander to believe that this 
is his home, that I really wanted him here. And I'd thought I was 
succeeding. But this has undone all that. How can I expect him to 
trust his place here -- trust me-- after this?"

He found he couldn't stay back any longer. Xander crossed the room, 
laid a hand on Giles' arm.

Startled eyes caught his own. "Xander-- I'll call you later, Jenny." 
Giles hung up the phone and turned to him.

"Giles, I--" He stopped, then realized if he thought about this he 
would not say any of it. "I love living here. It's only because you 
made me believe you cared that it hurt so bad when I thought you 
didn't want me. I trust you -- it's the rest of the world I don't 
trust. Everything good in my life has been taken away from me, 
except for Willow. You, and I guess Buffy, too, are good, so part of 
me expects to lose you. I--I..." He choked on the last of it and 
looked away, wishing he had the nerve to say it. 

Gently fingers brushed against his chin, turning his head back to 
meet Giles' eyes. "I love you, too."

He thought, perhaps, he must be still dreaming. Or he had died, 
curled up in those crates, and now he was-- well, no, he didn't 
expect heaven to involve the sort of pain he'd heard in Giles' voice 
earlier. Besides, Giles wasn't dead, so he wouldn't be here now. 

Then he realized it had been seven years since he had heard anyone 
say those words to him. 

Giles hugged him again -- he'd definitely been getting his share of 
those recently. Funny thing was, he didn't feel like giving them 
up. He tried to think of a way he could keep getting hugged -- after 
breakfast or lunch or whatever meal was next. 

He must have had a version of Willow's thinking face, because Giles 
looked at him curiously. "What are you thinking?"

"Of a way to not move for the rest of the day," he answered as he 
tucked himself back into the hug.

A loud rumble rose from the vicinity of his stomach. "Part of you 
doesn't agree," Giles teased. "But you can be here whenever you need 
to be. And for as long as you need to."

"Couple years?"

"If that's what you need, yes."

Xander closed his eyes, and said nothing. He could hear Giles' 
heartbeat. Smell him, the scent of wool and tea and something else. 
He wondered how he could stretch that two years into more. He 
laughed once.

"Was that a-?"

"If I flunk a year of high school, can I make it three?"
"However long you want." Giles paused and then continued, "And you 
don't have to flunk anything. Getting your diploma -- or not getting 
it for that matter -- won't change your place here."

That surprised him. He leaned back, wondering if maybe Giles was 
overcompensating for last night -- decided he didn't care. He opened 
his mouth, telling himself he *could* say it, and managed only, 
"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

His stomach growled again, louder this time. Xander grinned, and 
asked, "Can we have breakfast now?"

Giles chuckled, a soft warm sound. "Of course. Though it's actually 
closer to dinner."

"As long as there's food involved, I don't care what you call it." 
Despite his words, Xander didn't immediately let go. It was weird 
how he grown to need something he'd been so long without. Survived 
years without, surely he could let go for one single meal.

His stomach growled again. Yeah, ok, he could let go.

That earned another chuckle and Giles hugged him tighter briefly 
before releasing him. "Anything in particular you'd like?"

He compared something like lasagna -- extremely wonderful but it 
took an hour -- to something good and fast. "Pasta?"

"We can do that. Or... there's some lasagna in the freezer if you'd 
prefer...?"

Xander knew that sometimes his face lit up and his eyes grew big in 
the way that only anime characters did. The mention of homemade 
lasagna did it to him, every time. He didn't bother saying 'yes'. 
Giles gave him a smile and then headed into the kitchen to get it 
ready.

Xander followed, to grab the dishes and drinks. He stopped when he 
saw the mess from last night, still scattered all over the counters. 
He *hadn't* been... hadn't meant.... When he looked up at Giles his 
face must have been back to kicked-puppy because suddenly Giles was 
hugging him again.

"I'm sorry. I was going to have this cleaned up before you awoke."

"Yeah. I...." He forced himself to remember that it was the drugs, 
the magic spell and the whatever it was in the chocolate. "I didn't 
know what you used besides the oil, to give it flavour."

"Garlic tamari." 

Xander nodded. Next time he'd know. "I'll clean this up while you 
get the lasagna." His voice was low and he heard the after-shock of 
last night in it, but he couldn't pretend it didn't hurt. Of all the 
things Giles had apologized for, he hadn't for this, Maybe it *had* 
smelled like something that had died. But, damn it, he'd tried, 
hadn't he?

"The first time I attempted a stirfry, I set the kitchen on fire." 
Giles offered the words matter-of-factly, glancing over at Xander. 
"You did a lot better than I did."

"You what?" He had a flash of an image -- a young Giles, dashing 
frantically for a fire extinguisher, hoping to God no one came 
clamouring in to ask him calmly why he hadn't just ordered a pizza. 
Except they didn't have pizza in England, did they?

But he was starting to laugh again, anyhow. Cool, resourceful, 
never -- hardly ever -- ruffled Rupert Giles. A firebug. Who knew?

"All right, you needn't laugh quite so hard," Giles said in that 
very dry proper way he had.

Which of course only made him laugh harder. A moment later he was 
finding it difficult to remain standing and he knew from experience 
that his stomach was going to hurt once he stopped. If he stopped. 
The way it felt -- the dour expression on Giles' face *wasn't* 
helping any.

The man gave a long suffering sigh. "Somehow I knew this was going 
to be your reaction." 

Which was *just* too much. He let himself collapse on the floor, 
legs sticking out and in Giles' way when he pretended to ignore 
Xander, and begin rooting through the freezer for the lasagna. One 
of the few bastions of chaos in the Giles household, one that, Xander 
suspected, Giles enjoyed.

Finding the wrapped container, Giles moved to the microwave, 
stepping over Xander to do so with a casualness that sent Xander into 
new paroxysms of laughter.

He fell over onto his side, curled up as the laughter finally 
drained away. Still grinning, stomach spasming in the occasional 
bubbled-up laugh, Xander watched from below as Giles prepared 
dinner. It looked as it might have done, had he been a small boy in 
Giles' house. Standing foot-high to a turtle, looking up as his 
favorite meal was prepared for no reason other than he had asked for 
it. A glimpse of what his childhood could've been like. 

"You going to stay down there while we eat?"

"Well, the floor's clean enough that I could." Mopping. Chore of 
the damned and grounded.

"I would prefer to have your company at the table."

"You're welcome to join me here," Xander offered brightly. But he 
got to his feet, grinning at the look Giles gave him. He loved those 
looks.

He set the table while Giles finished making the meal and they ate 
at the table, the conversation consisting of light small talk. It was 
a comfortable meal, a secure feeling. Knowing even if he wasn't 
saying anything important, Giles was listening to him.

***********

Part Five

When the meal was over, Xander found he couldn't let go of that 
feeling. He wondered if Giles would mind if he followed him around 
all evening -- and suspected he wouldn't. He hadn't quite had time 
to look restless, waiting for Giles to do something so he could 
figure out how to stick with, when Giles asked if he minded a quiet 
rest of the day at home. He had books to read -- when didn't he -- 
and Xander agreed quickly. 

As soon as Giles was settled on the couch, Xander was there with his 
own book, a volume of case studies in non-traditional demonic 
chemistry. It worried him that there was a field in demonic 
chemistry that could be called "non-traditional", but the book itself 
was fascinating.

He finished a chapter and looked up to find Giles watching him with 
a faint smile. Succumbing to impulse, Xander scooted over on the 
couch. Giles made room for him as he leaned back; a minor amount of 
re-shuffling and soon they were reclining on the couch, Xander half-
in Giles' embrace. His book was propped up on his knees, and he 
figured this would be the way to spend his two years.

"I was thinking," Giles said conversationally after a few minutes.

"No. Polka-dots don't look good on me." Facing away from Giles, 
Xander allowed himself to grin.

"Ah, thank you for that piece of knowledge, but that wasn't what I 
was thinking about. I was thinking about demonic chemistry."

"Oh? Well, then I wasn't off-topic." Xander flipped back a few 
pages, to the picture of a chemist's supporting evidence that 
drinking Hagthul juice pressed with wine gave one dots. He showed it 
to Giles.

Giles looked and nodded seriously. "How would you like to take a 
course?"

He twisted around. "What? Please tell me Sunnydale Community 
College doesn't offer classes in this."

A faint smile. "No. But there are correspondence courses that you-"

"Correspondence courses?" Xander sat up, changed his mind and 
leaned back again. "For real? I mean, you mean I could, I don't 
have to have my diploma yet?"

"I can pull some strings for you."

"You don't--" Xander frowned, then stopped. Did he mind if Giles 
called in a few favours for him? Well, in principle, yes. But that 
was because he felt that he shouldn't need whatever Giles was trying 
to give him. This was one of those things Giles had been trying to 
unteach him. Finally, then, he nodded. "Yeah. I think I'd like 
that." 

"I'll make some calls tomorrow, then."

"Cool!" He turned back to his book, tried to read for a minute 
before flipping to the back where the bibliography was. The books 
were divided by discipline. Reading through, he wondered which he'd 
get to take. What he could take. What-- "Giles?"

"Yes?"

"Is this, like, a college course?"

"Yes, it is." Giles cocked his head to the side. "Is that a problem?"

"No." Xander found himself getting excited. Bizarre - his life 
since he'd moved in with Giles had taken decidedly unpredicted 
turns. But this -- "Does that mean I could, when I graduate, go to 
college? To study this stuff?"

"If you want to." 

Xander thought about that for a second. "I could really go? I know 
my grades aren't the best, but we...could really afford to send me to 
college?"

"The money won't be a problem. And I have confidence in your 
abilities to get your grades up. You have the ability to do whatever 
you want."

Xander bit back the automatic rejoinder. Though, truth be told, it 
had grown less automatic recently. After all, he *had* brought his 
grades up already. He hadn't gotten an F yet this year, and Mr. 
Cullins said he might even get out of the semester with a B in trig. 

"You're smart, Xander. You just need to believe that."

He hesitated before answering. He tried to think of how to say what 
he meant without making Giles wig out. "Sometimes I do," he finally 
said.

Giles smiled encouragingly. "It's a start."

***************

He wasn't feeling smart a week later. Sitting in class the Tuesday 
after a big test, Xander felt a perfectly rational relief that no one 
expected him to get good grades. Even if he tried as hard as he 
could, he'd never set the sort of precedent Willow had by grade 
four. 

So he was the only one anxiously awaiting the tests to be passed 
back, wondering if he'd actually gotten the sort of grade he'd 
thought he might have. He didn't want to jinx himself, but he 
thought he might have done pretty well.

In the instinctual way of the perverse that all teachers seemed to 
have, Mr. Cullins of course waited to the end of class to hand out 
the papers. And, of course, Xander's was near the bottom of the pile.

He watched Mr. Cullins moving up and down the rows handing over the 
white papers to each student. Finally he reached Xander's desk. "Well 
done, Mr. Harris," he said with a smile as he handed over the test.

Xander started, pleased but mostly surprised. Then he looked at his 
test and he froze.

"Xander?" Willow was looking at him curiously. "What did you get?"

He blinked, but the test didn't change. He checked the name. His. 
Maybe it was a Hellmouth thing. He looked up at Willow, but couldn't 
answer. She leaned over and took the paper from his unresisting 
fingers. "Oh wow. You got an A! That's great!"

Buffy leaned forward from her desk, taking the paper from Willow. 
She stared at it before agreeing that it was real, then gave Xander a 
smile. "Congratulations, Xander."

When the bell rang, Cordelia came by - Xander was still too stunned 
to grab his books and stand up. "Xander? That ringing noise just 
now? That's the bell. It means class is over and you can leave."

He accepted the test back from Buffy, and turned it to show her.

Cordelia stared. "*You* got an A? Isn't that a sign of the 
apocalypse or something?"

Willow gave her a dirty look. "It is not. Frog infestation in the 
school's toilets is a sign of the apocalypse." 

The way she said it, Xander had to suddenly wonder if she were 
telling the truth. 

"Didn't that happen last week?" Cordelia asked with a frown.

"Um, no, last week was salamanders." Willow looked suddenly guilty, 
and Xander gave her a sharp look. She ignored him.

"Well, come on, we better get going before Mr. Cullins thinks we 
*like* this class," Buffy interrupted.

"But I do like-" Willow started.

Xander jumped up, and grabbed his books. They had ten minutes to 
get to their next class -- which was just enough time. Leaving his 
friends behind, he all but ran through the halls to the library. 

Giles was just coming out from between two of the stacks when he 
burst in. "Xander, wha-"

Xander ran up the stairs, holding the paper out in front of him like 
a runner's baton.

"What's this?" Giles asked, reaching for it.

He let Giles take it, and waited. Not patiently, certainly not 
motionlessly. He heard Willow call his name, behind him. 

A pleased smile lit up Giles' face as he read it. "I knew you could 
do it."

Xander bounced, glanced over his shoulder to see Willow, Buffy, and 
Cordelia had followed him. He took the test back as Giles handed it 
over, and stared again at the red 'A' written at the top.

It *was* his name in the upper right corner. 

"Is this what living with a librarian does?" Cordelia asked 
curiously. "Turn you into a brain? Although I guess it's okay for 
you. It's not like you could get any less cool."


Xander turned and gave her the only proper response. "Nyah, nyah. 
Got an A and you didn't."

"Oh, that's mature. But then again, what can you expect from someone 
who's never had an A before?"

He considered sticking his tongue out at her, to cover for the fact 
that he was surprised she'd remembered that. Willow was giving her 
another dirty look.

"This is your first A?" Giles' voice was quiet with an undertone of 
surprise.

He turned back, feeling nervous. He nodded. Behind him, though, in 
a tone of sheer pride, Willow said, "His first ever. He got an A - 
and in trig!"

"Then this calls for a celebration." Giles was giving him a look 
that took him a few minutes to place. So that's what having someone 
proud of him looked like.

Then -- "Celebration?" 

"Yes. Dinner out and maybe a movie? Or is there something else you'd 
like?"

"Um, that's sorta major celebrating, there," he said quickly. He was 
really glad he wasn't the blush-bright-red type.

"You deserve it."

"He's right," Willow put in. "My parents took me to the zoo when I 
got my first A. Got ice cream and everything. Of course, I wanted a 
pony, but the zoo was nice, too."

"Will, back then you always wanted a pony. For Chanukah, your 
birthday, first day of summer, last day of summer...."

She nodded seriously. "I had pony envy. Then they hired one for my 
ninth birthday and..." She shuddered. "Let's talk about something 
else."

"Um, not meaning to jump in where uninvited," Buffy asked, "But are 
we?" 

"Invited?" Giles nodded. "Of course."

Xander tensed, slightly, and turned back to Giles. In a low, 
hopefully un-overheard voice, he said, "You don't have to do this. 
Happy, yeah, but it's a little...."

"Embarrassing?" Giles didn't lower his voice. "Xander, as your legal 
guardian it is my right, in fact my privilege, to embarrass you 
whenever I like."

Three girls laughed, in varying degrees of volume, behind him. 
Xander felt the heat rush to his face despite the silly grin that had 
appeared without warning on his face. "Fine. Then I get to pick the 
movie *and* the restaurant."

"Oh, no!" Willow gasped. "Giles, please! Don't let him."

"It is his celebration-"

She came running up the stairs towards them. "You don't 
understand. I *know* that sneaky tone of voice. He's going to make 
us eat at Sparkys."

Xander tried for a shocked and insulted expression, but decided 
teasing her would be more fun. He smiled triumphantly. 

"Sparkys?" Giles asked quizzically.

"They have the best burgers in Sunnydale," Xander began. 

But Willow was giving him pleading face. "They give me a 
stomachache," she begged. 

"Ah. Well, I'm sure Xander wouldn't want to go somewhere that would 
make you ill..."

"It doesn't make her ill. She just keeps ordering the corned beef 
sandwich. I've never gotten a stomachache from their cheeseburgers, 
or chili dogs, or--" He stopped when he saw that Willow was 
beginning to look queasy.

"You do realize that price is no object for this celebration?" Giles 
put in. 

"Oo! We can go to Michel's!" That, from Cordelia. Xander wasn't 
terribly surprised.

"I don't know how to pronounce what they serve there," he told her.

She gave him a look. "You don't even know what they serve, so how 
could you know whether or not you can pronounce it?"

"We can certainly go there if you want, Xander. But only if it is 
*your* choice."

The thought of going to a place like Michel's was, frankly, 
intimidating. But he conceded that Sparky's wouldn't be the kindest 
option, either. "What about Longhorn's?" He suggested. A steak 
joint, but a nice one, and he'd heard they had good food. 

Giles nodded. "I'll phone and make reservations." He looked beyond 
Xander to the girls below. "Aren't you going to be late for your next 
class?"

"Eep!" Willow started, and hurried for the door. Buffy gave Giles a 
'yeah, ok' look and followed. 

Cordelia just looked at him. "So?" She rolled her eyes in response 
to Giles' best librarian stare, and sighed. "Fine. I'm going."

Giles' voice stopped Xander before he could turn to follow. "I 
really am proud of you, Xander."

Shyly, Xander looked away, floor, books, wall, before trying to meet 
Giles' eyes. "I better get to class," he stammered, before running 
for the doors as the first bell rung.

***********

Part Six

Xander walked along beside his co-patroler, staying on her right.
The archaic piece of gallantry probably didn't make a difference;
vampires could attack from either side, unlike puddle splashes.
Cordelia didn't seem to notice, which meant she probably approved.

"One more time and then can we call it a night?" Cordelia asked.

"That's the plan." Xander was glad it had been quiet, so far. It
wasn't that he doubted their ability to deal with a vampire, but
nights like this gave him a chance to relax. Even with Cordelia as
company.

"Good. I still have a ton of stuff to do for school tomorrow."

He gave her a raised eyebrow. "Surely not homework yet to do? At
this late hour?"

"Who said anything about homework? I've got a whole beauty regime to
go through. You think looking this good is easy?"

"Ah, Cordy, you make it look easy." He gave her a grin. He felt
generous, because he'd beaten her soundly, earlier in the evening.
She had brought a little travel-set go board, and they'd played while
watching the cemetery.

She smiled at him. "You really think so?"

He looked, then nodded. "Yeah. You kinda look...natural." He
wasn't sure that was the sort of thing a girl liked to hear, but all
he meant was that she didn't look overly done. Like even without the
regime she'd be pretty.

It seemed it was something girls liked to hear, because Cordelia's
smile grew and he thought she might even being blushing a little.
"Why thank you, Xander. And you look...well, you're dressing better
lately."

"Yeah. Nothing like buying actual clothes to improve a guy's
style." This year Giles had taken him back to school shopping. New
clothes, new everything. He'd been able to get complete outfits
which made him look -- in his and now Cordelia's own words --
stunning. Of course, having Buffy along to help pick stuff out for
him hadn't hurt.

"A brain with fashion sense, I don't think that's allowed to exist."

"Not to worry. Buffy has the fashion sense. I only borrow it." He
smiled, though, liking the sound of his new nickname. As insults
went, Cordelia could call him 'brain' anytime she liked.

She glanced away. "That is really great, by the way. The trig class
I mean." Her voice was more earnest than he was used to.

"Thanks," he answered her with equal sincerity. "I got another one,
too. English class."

"No dinner for this one?"

He heard the hint of disappointment in her voice - that maybe there
had been and she hadn't been invited. "I opted for a stack of CDs
this time," he explained quickly.

"Giles really goes all out on the rewards, huh? Maybe if you get
straight A's he'll buy you a car."

"Oo - you think so?" A car. He *knew* Giles could afford one, even
a used one. Xander hadn't been able to come up with a successful
scenario for needing one, yet, to convince Giles to buy one. Maybe
if he had to go down to LA... "Hey! You know that correspondence
course I told you I might be taking?"

"The demon biology thing?"

"Chemistry, yeah. Well, I got tentatively accepted into the class.
I have to go down to the school and apply to the program, the head of
the department wants to interview me, and give me a couple tests to
make sure I understand the material. But Giles says I've already
taught myself everything from the intro class."

Cordelia looked at him. "You're really taking this all seriously,
aren't you?"

With a shrug, he admitted, "I like it. It's like science and magic
all rolled into one. I can take stuff from physics class, and do the
same experiment with different materials, and get the weirdest
stuff. I can even blow things up without getting in trouble --
there's this demon's skin which removes soot and fire damage like you
wouldn't believe. Giles has no idea I've had nine fires so far."

"Remind me not to volunteer to help you with your experiments. Just
hanging around with Buffy has increased my risk of being blown up
enough."

"Speaking of which, I haven't seen anything. What say we call it
quits?" They'd reached the main gate of the cemetery where Cordelia's
car was parked.

"You'll get no argument from me. Cemeteries." She wrinkled her nose
prettily. "This was not how I pictured spending nights of my high
school life."

"But think of all you've learned which will help you later in life."

"Oh yes. How to turn the undead into dust is going to come in so
handy." She opened the door of her car and slid in behind the wheel.

Xander climbed in as well, continuing, "You said you wanted to be
an actress. You don't think knowing how to slay things isn't useful
in that line of work? Think of all the sleazy directors and producers
you'd have to put up with otherwise."

"Somehow I don't think I'll get many jobs if I kill all the sleazy
directors and producers. There wouldn't be any left."

"Good point. Maybe you can just threaten them, to keep them in
line? You know, slay an assistant or two."

"Threatening might work." Her expression turned thoughtful as she
turned the key in the ignition. "I could get into threatening."

Xander had a glimpse of what she'd be like, threatening. He
shivered.

"Oh, I have to stop for gas before I can drop you off. You don't
mind, do you?"

"Why should I mind? Unless you want me to pump it for you."

She smiled brilliantly at him. "How kind of you to offer."

He opened his mouth to retort, and realized there was nothing he
could say that would get him out of it. Unless he paid for full-
service. "All right, fine. But if my hands smell like gasoline, I'm
going to put them all over yo-- uh, your car."

"Then you can help wash it this weekend."

"I'm not washing your car." Surely with simple declarations he
could avoid getting hooked.

"Oh, of course not." The smile didn't leave Cordy's face.

"Uh-oh." He leaned away from her, not sure he wanted to hear
whatever was next. "Oh, look! The gas station." He was undoing his
seatbelt before she even came to a stop, ready to jump out and pump
the gas.

Cordelia turned off the engine and got out as well. "I'm going to
get a diet soda."

He'd opened his mouth to ask for a soda as well when he realized
she'd expect him then to pay for both. He sighed, and dug out a
five. "Get me one, too?"

"Sure." She took the money with a winsome smile and disappeared
inside the store.

Xander turned back to the gas pump. He had no idea what type she
preferred - regular, premium, plus? He also had a sneaking suspicion
he would end up paying for it somehow. That in mind, he picked the
medium grade. He leaned against the car while the gas pumped, and
watched as Cordelia allowed a boy to strike up a conversation with
her, inside.

Yeah, they'd be here awhile.

He was completely unprepared for the rough hand that grabbed him and
spun him around, then let go, letting him tumble hard to the ground.
He reacted instantly, one hand going for the stake, the other raised
to ward off the second blow. All that training left him, though,
when he saw who it was.

"So this is what you're doing now, huh? Running around all hours of
the night?" His father sneered at him.

Xander scrambled to his feet, and didn't reply. He didn't owe his
father any explanations.

"It ends now. Come on. You're coming home."

"Actually, yeah, I am. I'll be going home -- and going nowhere with
you." He found that, after all, he was still afraid of his father.
But he wasn't about to show it.

His father glared at him. "You've got even more mouthy. Well, we'll
soon take care of that." He took a step towards Xander.

Xander stood his ground. He didn't find it encouraging that his
father didn't even hesitate.

"Hey, Xander."

He turned to see Angel leaning against the bumper of Cordelia's car,
managing to loom while simultaneously lounging. It had to be some
vampire trick. Or possibly just an Angel thing. Xander realized how
sickly relieved he was, when he noticed he was trying to catalogue it
in favor of thinking about what Angel had just interrupted. "Hey,
Angel," he said casually, glancing towards his father as he walked
over to stand by the vampire.

His father was scowling at him, threat still bright in his eyes.
"This isn't over, boy," he growled and then stalked off.

Xander hoped Angel didn't mind when he leaned against the car next
to him, close enough to press himself against Angel's arm if he
leaned over another half an inch. "Thanks."

"Any time."

He glanced over to see Cordelia coming out, a worried look on her
face. "Was that--?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"You okay?" She was looking him over as if looking for injuries.

"Yeah, I'm good." He thought about the chances that his father was
watching, and realized he didn't want Cordelia dragged any farther
into this.

Angel seemed to be thinking the same thing and offered, "We're not
that far away from your place if you want me to walk you home."

"Oh, um," he heard himself saying 'no' and swallowed it. He tried
to find a plausible excuse for accepting, when Cordelia with her car
seemed much more... Well, he didn't need a reason. Angel had already
offered. "Yeah, thanks."

"You sure? I'll still drive you home," Cordelia offered, her face
and voice still concerned.

Xander turned to her, already taking a step towards Angel, away from
the passenger side of her car where the gas nozzle was still set in
the tank. "Yeah, I..." He thought again for excuses, and opted for
true ones. "He's liable to follow me home. I'd rather you were...he
can't hurt Angel."

Her expression softened at his concern. "All right. Do me a favor
and call me when you get home then? I don't need to be worrying all
night." She turned to Angel. "If he does show up, bite him."

"Sure," Angel agreed easily, giving Xander a look that said he
wasn't entirely serious. Not entirely joking.

Xander wasn't entirely sure which one he would mind. "I'll call,"
he told Cordelia, impressed by the number of people he'd added to his
'must notify when alive' list.

She nodded, walking around to remove the gas nozzle from her car. "I
paid for it when I was inside." She gave Xander a quick hug, then got
in her car.

They watched her go before heading off towards Xander's place.
Conveniently in the opposite direction his father had gone in, but
that didn't mean he wasn't lurking. Xander shivered. Had he been
lurking already? Or was this an accidental meeting?

"He's gone for now," Angel reassured him.

"Thanks. Super-vampire powers come in handy sometimes." He
grinned, wanting, rather, to grimace at his sudden urge to make lame
jokes. Nothing like a blast from the past to incur old coping
strategies.

Angel's mouth quirked up a little. "Sometimes."

"Too bad you can't fly."

"Do you really want to deal with vampires dive bombing you on
patrol?"

"Oh. Good point." Xander reminded himself that most vampires were
bad guys. He really had to start hanging out with a better crowd.
"Hey, I just remembered - Buffy was going on and on and on about you
the other day. I think you're in the doghouse. Or the vampiric
equivalent. Thought you could use the heads-up in case you didn't
know already." He was babbling, and he knew it. He hoped Angel
wouldn't mind.

"Buffy upset with me. That wouldn't be anything new," the vampire
said with a rueful grimace.

"Things not love and joy in the Buffyworld? I was only talking
about the other night, she swung by your place and you weren't home.
She complained for an hour, but I think it was because she didn't
have anything else non-school related to talk about."

"It seems every other time I talk to her, she's mad at me for
something. The rest of the time she's apologizing. Or I am."

"Um, not to sound dense, or anything, but isn't that not the whole
point of dating someone?"

"It's been a while for me," Angel said with another small smile.

They fell silent as Xander tried to puzzle that one out. Twice he
started to ask another question, but stopped himself. He didn't want
to cause any problems between them. "OK, call me dumb, but I don't
get it. Why do you love her if there's that much trouble?" This was
starting to make his relationship with Spike sound a lot more fun --
and that had to be bad.

Angel gave a half shrug. "I wish I could answer that."

"Doesn't sound like a lot of fun. But I guess the rest of it makes
up for it, huh? The being in love with her."

"Yeah, the rest." He didn't sound all that convincing, more like he
was trying to convince himself.

Xander fell silent. He had the feeling he was bordering on things
it was none of his business to talk about. They were almost home,
anyhow, so further conversation didn't seem necessary. He was just
glad Angel had stopped-- "Hey, deadboy?"

That earned him a half-hearted glare. "Don't call me that."

"Yeah, yeah. What were you doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you be on
patrol with Buffy?" OK, so much for not talking about things not any
of his business.

"I had a message to give you." Angel didn't address the on patrol
with Buffy part.

"Oh?" Who would be sending him a message via Angel? If it were a
save the world from evil thing, he wouldn't have waited til now to
deliver.

Angel handed him a piece of paper. "Spike put in a phone. That's his
number."

Xander stopped walking. He stared at Angel in disbelief, even as
his hand moved automatically to take the paper. He looked down, saw
that there was a phone number written there. No name, just a
number.

"I talked to Spike. He isn't playing with you. Well, not in a food
sort of way, at least."

"Huh?" Xander remembered asking himself once if his life could get
weirder. Since then, it had. And was again.

"I won't tell you he isn't dangerous, but you've managed to get him
to see you as a person and not just a meal."

"Really?" He found himself smiling, and wondered if he shouldn't be
this happy to hear that Spike...liked him.

Angel was even passing notes for him. Xander laughed.

Angel smiled at him. "Don't ever make the mistake of thinking he's
tame."

"I know. It isn't-- I just had this image of him in high school.
Sitting in the back of class, passing notes up to me, of dirty
pictures he'd drawn." He calmed himself down as they neared the
apartment complex. "I don't think he's tame. I don't even think
he's safe. But he...gives me something I need. Someday -- I know
that someday it'll be over and I'll have to hope he's bored enough to
just leave, or that someone will be around with a stake. But right
now, I think I have more to lose if I don't see him."

He didn't know if he was making sense -- but if anyone could
understand this, it was probably Angel. Although Xander suspected
that Spike already understood, too.

He got a solemn nod from Angel. "As long as you're going in with
your eyes open."

"As open as I can manage." He looked over towards his living room
window. No tale-tell pacing. That was good.

"Here we are."

"Yeah. Thanks for the walk home. Um, you know if you come up with
me Giles is gonna freak out--"

"I know," Angel said with a smile. "I'll leave you here."

"Thanks. See ya-- well, whenever." With that, Xander headed up.

**********

Part Seven

Giles looked up from his reading when he came in. "Good evening."

"Hey! Giles, the Giles-man. How'd it go? Our cemetery was dead."

"Our patrol was likewise uneventful." He took a closer look at 
Xander and frowned.

"Huh? What?" He looked down at himself and saw grease and dirt 
everywhere. "Oh. That was at the gas station. Cordelia needed 
gas. For her car."

"And something happened." It wasn't phrased as a question.

"I fell?" 

Giles just continued to look at him.

"Down?" He didn't know why he was trying to avoid telling him. He 
just hated that he couldn't keep his own father out of his life. He 
wanted him to go away, fade into nothing like his mother had. Except 
for seeing her at the grocery store, which he'd been able to not tell 
Giles about. Why couldn't he do that now?

"Why did you fall down, Xander?" Giles asked in patient tones.

He looked away. Giles was going to get upset, and while Xander 
knew it wouldn't be at him, it wasn't any easier to deal with. 
"Because he knocked me down." He glanced up, and added before Giles 
had to ask, "My father."

Giles was up out of his chair and across to where Xander was 
standing, in a heartbeat. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Uh, Angel came by. Scared him off." He felt bad, 
and he wished he could just go call Cordelia, then call Spike and 
forget about this.

"Good." Giles' whole manner was one of carefully restrained anger. 
"It won't happen again, Xander, I promise."

"What are you gonna do?" he asked, fearfully. A second later he 
asked himself why he wanted to beg Giles not to. Wasn't it a little 
insane to want to protect him? 

"Tomorrow I go down to the courthouse and file a restraining order 
against him. If he comes near you again, he'll go to jail."

"Oh." That would be all right, then. His family was used to 
spending nights and weeks in jail, anyhow. 

"What, you thought I was going to cast a curse on him?" Giles smiled 
at him.

He shrugged, not returning the smile. "I know I shouldn't care, but 
I don't wanna see him get hurt."

"I know. And I understand. Whatever else, he is your father."

"I know he isn't much." Which didn't, never had, explained this 
feeling.

"We all make choices in our lives. Sometimes they're wrong." Giles' 
gaze seemed to be turned inward.

Xander found himself thinking of a hundred or so of his own 
choices. How many he knew were wrong, how many would he think were 
wrong in years to come? "I need to call Cordelia," he said, not 
wanting to get dragged down into regret. Not without music. 

Giles nodded. "I'm here if you need to talk."

"I know." He headed for his room. The call to Cordelia was short 
and to the point. She was relieved to hear he was home, but not to 
be distracted from her beauty regime. Xander didn't mind.

He had someone else to call.

Hanging up on Cordelia, he pulled out the piece of paper Angel gave 
him and dialed the number written on it. Nervously, he waited as it 
began to ring.

"Hello, luv." A familiar and rather cocky voice answered.

"You always answer your phone that way?" The words were said before 
he even thought about them.

There was a laugh. "No one but you ever calls me. Well, Angel has 
the number, but he wouldn't call. And if he did, he wouldn't mind my 
calling him 'luv'." There was a pause. "I don't think."

"Angel doesn't strike me as the 'luv' type."

"Oh, he never was." Xander heard some noises, as though Spike were 
moving about, then he continued, "S'never stopped me."

"Not much does." He settled back against the headboard on his bed.

"Glad you noticed. So, would you rather tell me about you day, or 
listen to me describe how you look when I'm getting ready to suck you 
clean?"

He stiffened in surprise at Spike's directness. Some parts got 
stiffer than others. "Spike!" he hissed, not sure if he was 
chastising or asking him to continue.

"Yes?" The vampire sounded completely unrepentant. 

"You can't-" He broke off when he remembered who he was talking to. 
Spike most definitely could. And would. "Just hang on for a moment." 
He put the phone down and went to shut his door.

This was not a conversation he wanted Giles to overhear.

When he got back to the phone, he could hear muffled laughter as 
Spike asked, "You ready now?"

"Fine, yeah." He gestured with his free hand. "Give it your best 
shot."

"Oh, a challenge, is it? You think I can't make you scream for me 
by just talking to you?"

Think? He damned well knew he wasn't going to scream. Not with Giles 
out in the living room. "No screaming." He tried to sound firm.

"Aw, that takes half the fun out of it." He could see Spike 
pouting. 

"Half the fun or no fun," he replied firmly. "I can always just hang 
up."

There was a sigh, then, "All right, no screaming. But you're gonna 
owe me." In a cheerful tone again, he continued, "Or, if we do this 
right, we'll owe each other."

Xander swallowed. "Right."

"So, get comfy," he said, encouragingly.

He leaned back against the headboard, squirming as he tried to get 
comfortable. It wasn't easy, knowing what Spike was going to do.

"Now close your eyes. Imagine it's me, kneeling at the foot of your 
bed." Spike's voice had suddenly taken on a husky tone.

"Spike..." he said dubiously, but he obeyed.

"Right here, luv. Watching you. You're still nervous, still not 
even unzipped. But you're listening to me, watching me watch you. 
And you know I'm already half-hard, myself. From just thinking about 
it."

Xander was more than half-hard, his jeans getting tighter by the 
moment. He reached down to adjust himself, shivering a little at his 
own touch.

"And I'm watching you, wriggling around as your jeans get tighter," 
Spike's voice became a whisper in his ear. "You want to touch 
yourself, want me to touch you. But as I crawl up towards you, you 
can't move. Don't move."

Xander froze. He told himself it was silly, but he still froze.

"That's right, luv. Don't move. Let me be the one...." There was 
a silent pause, the more sounds of Spike moving. Xander wondered if 
Spike had unzipped himself....

"You can see me between your legs, now, Kneeling there. You're 
spreading your legs wider for me?"

"Um, yeah." He swallowed and cleared his throat as he spread his 
legs wider as he had been told to.

"Good, oh, yeah, I love the way you look, you're all spread out on 
the bed, waiting for me. Waiting for me to touch you just right 
there. Unzip, now, and show me if you're ready."

The sound of the zipper seemed loud in the quiet of his room. Xander 
bit his lip, almost feeling Spike's eyes on him.

"Pull 'em down, a bit, now. So I can get a good look."

He did so, unthinkingly reaching for his erection when he did.

"Yeah, touch yourself." Spike sounded almost smug, but more than 
that, he sounded fiercely aroused. 

Xander ran a finger down his length, circling the head. Teasing 
himself. "Tell me what you're doing," he commanded breathlessly.

"Watching you, Xander. Watching your cock strain for me. Watching 
how you're getting harder as you touch yourself for me, touch 
yourself to make me want you til I can't take it any more. You know 
what I'm going to do then? When I can't take it any longer?"

"W-what?"

"I'm going to go down on you. Wrap my mouth around your cock and 
suck you -- My hands'll be on you legs, holding you so you can't 
move, and my lips and tongue are gonna taste every inch of your cock, 
over and over. You're gonna want to yell for me to suck you harder, 
beg me to touch you, and all you're going to feel is my mouth."

Xander swallowed a moan and bucked upwards into his hand. 

"Yeah, just like that. Touch yourself, now. Show me right where 
you want my tongue."

"And what about you?" he gasped, even as his hand slid up and down 
his length.

There was a soft groan for an answer, before Spike said, "I'm 
thinking about how you feel under my tongue. The way you can't quite 
hold your hips still, the way you arch up and try not to shove 
yourself deeper into my mouth." 

A full body shudder of arousal went through him. "God," he breathed 
almost inaudibly, the picture vivid in his mind.

"You like that? Like seeing me down there, between your legs, 
sucking you so hard your toes curl?"

"As m-much as you like doing it."

"God, then you must be about to explode," Spike said in a mangled 
voice.

"Is that enough to get you off?" Xander asked breathlessly, his hand 
speeding up. "Come just from blowing me?"

"N-no. Coming from feeling you come." Spike was having trouble 
speaking. Xander heard another muffled groan, then, "Want you here, 
right now, naked and got your cock in my mouth."

The growing desperate need in Spike's voice was probably the most 
arousing thing about this. Knowing that thinking of him, talking to 
him was doing this to the vampire.

"Xan--" Spike pleaded, before trying again with a bare minimum of 
control. "Touch...oh, god, Xan, come with me." He could hear the 
hitching sounds of a man about to scream.

The image was suddenly clear in his mind, Spike with his hand on his 
cock, head thrown back, eyes closed, expression desperate. "Spike," 
he whispered breathless before everything went white with pleasure.

He could hear Spike choking back an outcry, reduced to panting moans 
and soft, low, 'Xan's. They were quickly reduced to what sounded 
like brainlessly repeated 'Oh's, before fading off into silence 
altogether.

Xander wasn't sure long he lay there after that, neither he or Spike 
speaking, just listening to his breathing slow back to normal. 

Then he heard Spike say, "Rrrumm, gah. I need a bloody towel."

He started laughing at that, hard and long and uncontrollably. 

He heard Spike chuckle, sounding utterly pleased with himself. When 
Xander got control of himself, Spike asked, "So? Was I right?"

"About what?"

"Did I make you scream? Well, if you weren't trying to keep your 
guardian from breaking down the door, would you have?"

"Sounds more like I made *you* scream." He grinned smugly.

"Well, I knew I could make *myself* scream, luv. Not nearly as much 
fun though." There was a hint of something in Spike's tone. 
Wistfulness? 

Responding to that, Xander offered, "You did something greater than 
make me scream. You almost drove me speechless."

"Oo, you're right. That *is* better." Cheery once more, Spike 
asked, "So, what'd you do all day?"


*******

Part Eight

It was the first day of winter break. Xander found himself bouncing off
the walls. The weather was warm, and sunny, and everything seemed to be
going extremely well. He'd finished all his reports and papers that had
been due before break, for a change, and had even begun reading The Catcher
in the Rye for his "due your first day back" report. He figured it was
just excess energy he had to burn off.

Or perhaps it was the closet Giles had told him he could not, under any
circumstances, open. It was the first time in, well, almost his entire
life that he'd actually been looking forward to Christmas. The first year
he didn't have to fake holiday cheer.

He bounced into the living room where Giles was reading something. Again. 
He leaned over Giles' shoulder far enough to partially block his view. 
"Hey!"

Giles patiently closed his book and looked up. "Yes?"

"Can we have a holiday party? Christmas and Chanukah for Willow, except
she might be into celebrating the solstice this year. And invite
everybody? Are we getting a tree and decorating? Are you sure I can't
taste the pudding yet?"

"Yes, yes, yes and no."

"Really?" Xander grinned, too excited to hold still any longer, even
draped over the chair as he was. "When? Christmas isn't for another week,
but Chanukah already started. Can we have it on the Solstice or is that
some big day for Evil taking over the world?" He wondered why Giles was
looking at him as if expecting his head to spin around or fall off. 
Possibly both.

"Just how much soda have you consumed this afternoon?" 

He blinked. "None." 

"Are you sure? You're a bit...overly hyper," Giles said diplomatically.

"Am not!" He grinned, and bounced again. A thought suddenly occurred to
him and the hyper activity stilled in the face of something even better.

"That expression always makes me worry." Giles didn't sound particularly
worried, and he still had the tiny, happy smile he seemed to always have
nowadays when he looked at Xander.

Xander enjoyed the smile as he explained, knowing it was about to go away.
"I don't have my sleeping bag." He felt like he was five years old again,
meeting Santa for the first time. Before he found out that Santa *didn't*
go to everyone's house.

Giles shook his head in confusion. "I fear I don't follow you."

"I don't need one." Xander was unable to wait. He dove in, wrapping his
arms around Giles in a bear hug, half on his lap and half crouched on the
floor. He got a hug back, but Giles still looked perplexed. "You're gonna
get mushy and sad and stuff, and wanna hold me, so I figured I'd start
there. See, Christmas eve at my house was always difficult. Moreso than
normal, that is. Whether the house was full of relatives or not, everyone
would spend the whole evening drinking. Then fighting. They'd get drunker
and the fights would get louder and I always snuck a plate of cookies
outside, and slept in the yard in my sleeping bag. I took the cookies so
Santa would maybe know to stop by."

As predicted, Giles' arms tightened around him.

Xander nestled inside the embrace for a moment before continuing. "But I
don't need my sleeping bag this year. I bet I don't even need the cookies."

"Cookies are tradition," Giles said, his voice strangely soft. "But we'll
leave them inside. And eat the extras."

Xander was the one who tightened the hug, then. "Can I get sappy for a
bit?"

"It is the season for it."

Embarrassed, but determined, Xander said as loudly as he could -- which
was not very at all, "You're already my best Christmas present ever."

Giles didn't answer for a moment and his eyes were suspiciously bright,
just as his voice had a strange huskiness when he did speak. "You're mine
as well."

Xander laughed at the thought that came then, glad he had noticed it
before he'd said it aloud. He could *not* ask Giles to unwrap him. He
really had to do something about that annoyingly persistent obsession. One
thing he could do, now. He let go of Giles and bounced away, intent on
resuming his former mood.

Giles watched him. "You won't need a sleeping bag again -- unless you
*voluntarily* go camping."

That made him smile. He loved it when Giles got all...Ripper, on him. 
"So can we have the party on the 22nd?"

"Yes." Giles smiled. "Just how big a party are you planning?"

"Um, big? Willow, Buffy, Oz, Angel," Don't say 'Spike', he told himself
quickly. "Cordy and whoever she's dating by next week and Buffy's mom and
Jenny. Is that too many?" he asked uncertainly as Giles' expression
changed.

"You're welcome to invite Miss Calendar, but I fear she is probably going
to decline." Giles looked down at his hands in his lap.

"Why?" Mood wavering again, Xander tried to recall if there had been any
disagreements lately between the two. That was when he realized he didn't
know the last time they'd even gone out. "Is she mad at you for something?"

"Mad is perhaps too strong a word. We..uhh..broke up about a month ago."

"What!? How come?"

He watched as Giles squirmed in that understated British way of his.
"Sometimes two persons' differences can't be reconciled."

"What differences? The only thing you two disagreed about was the value
of computers." Xander frowned. 

"Just...differences."

This was definitely something that was none of his business. He got that
part, easily. But seeing as how this was Giles, that meant it was
something Giles didn't want him to know about. Not just not know the
details, but not even know it had happened. 

"It...it wasn't...anything to do with me?" 

"No," Giles said quickly. Too quickly. "Not in the way you think."

Which meant it was. Xander found himself taking a step backwards. Giles
had *liked* Jenny. A lot. "She decided she wasn't up for dating a single
parent, huh?" 

"She decided she wasn't up to dealing with my guilt." Giles was looking
down at his hands again.

"Guilt?" Xander hesitated before moving forward again. "About what?" He
knew Giles didn't want him to know. But the way Giles wouldn't even look
at him made him feel funny.

Xander watched as Giles' shoulders heaved as he sighed deeply. "About
throwing you out to have her here."

His voice sounded weird when he said, "You said that was the band candy."

"Oh it was. But the impetus came from within me. And I don't know if I can
forgive myself for that." He sighed again. "Jenny got tired of waiting for
me to try."

"She...she broke up because you feel guilty for what happened?" There was
a lot going on here, and Xander wasn't sure he was following it.

The answer was quiet, almost inaudible. "Because I couldn't let go of the
guilt. She said -- rightly so - that seeing her only made it worse. Made
me think about what I'd done. So she said we would both be better served
if we...no longer saw each other." 

Xander swallowed. He knew this was his cue to say something, some
well-reasoned and intelligent something that would make Giles look at him,
make his eyes clear, and make him agree he didn't have to feel guilty. The
only thing he could think of saying was what he feared would be exactly
what he shouldn't say. "You were wrong, you know." 

Giles sighed, the soft whoosh of air audible. "I know. I'm sorry."

Yeah, he knew Giles wasn't understanding yet. He knew that. "They did
make me give up."

That got Giles to look up, but his expression was a study in confusion.

"You said...to Jenny, you told her you'd done what they hadn't ever done
-- make me give up. But you're wrong. They made me give up more
completely than you ever have. That night included." Xander tried to hold
Giles' gaze, knowing that if he stopped talking Giles might not ever get to
hear this. "I tried more than once to kill myself when I was living with
them. Once I was going to slice my wrists. I had a knife all set and was
headed for the bathroom, to run the hot water. Willow came around, knocked
on my window. She never knew -- still doesn't and I'd prefer you not tell
her -- that she saved my life."

He swallowed again, watching as Giles' expression change from confused to
horrified. He kept going. "Another time I swallowed a bunch of stuff. I
don't know what it was, I was only eight. They took me to get my stomach
pumped. You think I gave up on life because you threw me out?" Xander
found himself getting angry. Didn't know why, but went with it. "If I'd
wanted to die I'd have done a lot more than just let fate decide if I
should be snack food or not. What you did -- what I thought you did and
what you did -- hurt like hell. But come morning, when I looked around,
I'd have come home and made you say it again."

Giles stared at him and Xander could catalogue the emotions he saw flicker
there, one after another. Horror, sadness, guilt again, but briefly, then
there was understanding, pride and one that was still very new: respect. 

Xander wanted to stop and ask what it was for, but he still had something
to say. "I can promise you I'm never going to do it again, because I have
too much to lose." There, now he was done, and now he wanted to shake off
all this weight of confession and demand to know why Giles was just
*looking* at him.

"I believe you." It was said softly and that respect was interwoven
through each word.

"Good." Xander nodded, glad he didn't have to repeat himself. Then, of
course, he was left with no idea what to do or say next.

After a moment's silence that was not quite awkward, Giles cleared his
throat. "So we were planning this epic party of yours."

"Can we have caramel corn?"

***************

The next day Xander was in the library, reading. If anyone had told him
he'd be spending his Christmas vacation at school.. he'd have believed
them, but pretended not to. Snyder had called an emergency meeting, and no
amount of "School? During winter break?" had gotten Xander out of coming
along. Granted, the main reason he'd come along was because they were
hitting the mall after. Xander still had presents to buy, and later they
were going to get a tree. Giles had unearthed boxes of decorations
yesterday, and tomorrow they were going to decorate in time for Xander's
party the following night.

Xander heard the doors of the library swing open. "Wow, that was quick.
Principal Snyder actually get some Christmas spirit?" He grinned and looked
up-

"So glad to see you hitting the books," his father sneered as he strode
forward. "You turn into a brain, after all?"

"You're not supposed to be here!" He was pleased the words sounded more
angry than afraid, even as he fought the urge to curl in on himself. Making
himself a smaller target. Old habits die hard.

His father gave him a look of surprise. "Not supposed to be here? This
is a public school, ain't it?" He was still coming closer. Xander stood
to face him, as his father continued his approach. "My son goes to school
here, I'm not welcome?" His voice was hard, ugly. Xander knew the tone. 
Knew it was bad.

"No." He was trembling inside, wanting to back away, to run, but his feet
wouldn't move.

"No?" He was close enough, then, and Xander had time to flinch before his
father's hand flew out. "Don't you *dare* say no to me!"

Xander tumbled back from the force of the blow, knocking into the corner
of one of the library stacks, then falling to the floor. He lay there
stunned, waiting for the pain to kick in.

He didn't have a chance before his father was grabbing him, pulling him
up. Xander tried for balance and a blow back, all his training and
workouts telling him to block the next punch. But the sight of his
father's face -- glaring at him in rage like he had never seen -- made him
miss the following one.

The blow made his head snap back and had him on the ground again. He
tasted blood as he struggled to get back to his feet, knowing he was too
much of a target down here, but he barely got to hands and knees before his
father's boot lashed out and caught him the stomach. He cried out in pain
and collapsed back down.

Every instinct and learned response was telling him to hide, curl up and
roll under the table where he couldn't be reached. Giles would be back
soon, all he had to do was stay out of reach. Before he could convince
himself to move, he was caught up again and thrown.

He crashed into the book cage and he heard a sickening snapping sound as
he fell awkwardly. His left arm exploded in a pain so encompassing he
couldn't even scream. He tried to roll over, present his back to his
father, but another kick landed on his ribs, driving him against the cage
again.

And the blows kept coming. Trapped against the cage, Xander didn't have
any leeway to dodge or getaway. He curled in on himself as best he could,
whimpering as the kick after kick jarred his already battered body. It
suddenly came to him that this time his father wasn't going to stop. This
time he wasn't going to get away.

This time he was going to die.

The thought served only to make him press himself harder against the cage
wall at his back. He couldn't get away, the pain in his arm and now his
ribs told him he couldn't effectively fight back. All he could do -- was
scream. 

So he did.

It was punctuated by the blows, his scream cutting in and out as he
grabbed air enough to scream again. He squeezed his eyes tightly, not
wanting to see-- and he heard a slam of wood and his name, then suddenly
there were noises unaccompanied by the feel of further hits.

He pried his eyes open and saw his father getting pummeled by Giles.

Perhaps pummeled wasn't the right word, he told himself, as he saw Giles
land another blow. They way he grabbed Xander's father and rammed his head
against the table -- twice -- made him wonder if 'pummeled' wasn't entirely
too weak a word all together.

He realized someone was nearby, close enough to touch, and he stiffened. 
A gentle hand touched his forehead. "Easy," a warm, familiar voice said.
Willow. "Don't try to move, Xander."

He relaxed, air rushing out of him with a painful quiver. His sides hurt,
his stomach hurt, and in spite of what he was seeing, he was still beyond
scared. Wanted to beg Willow to drag him out of there, someplace where his
father couldn't follow.

He heard, then, Buffy's voice say, "Don't kill him, Giles." When Giles
stopped to look at her, still holding onto the weakly-struggling man, the
Slayer added, "I want a turn."

Giles pulled the man up and stared him in the face, then shoved him away
with a sound of disgust. "Watch him," he barked at Buffy. "If he moves,
break something." Then he was moving across the room and kneeling at
Xander's side.

He saw Buffy grab his father who was now apparently offering no notable
resistance. Xander looked from her to Giles and wished he could move. 
Giles' hand reached out toward him, hovering hesitating over Xander's skin.
"Xander..." The tremble in his voice matched the one in his hand.

"Hurts," he managed, and he wanted to make it stop. 

"I know." Xander saw him swallow hard. "You're going to be all right.
We're going to get you to help."

"Hurts...." He tried to reach out and jostled something; his arm shrieked
with pain. "Dad...." He needed to get away.

Giles' hands held him in place. "He's not going to hurt you anymore."


Xander tried to move against the hands holding him. He didn't want to stay
here, he wanted... "Dad," he whispered again.

The face looking down at him was anguished. "You don't need to be scared
now, Xander. He can't hurt you."

The floor was cold, and hard. Xander couldn't get himself up. He
struggled, and Giles kept trying to hold him down. "No...Dad--"

Then Willow moved closer, putting her own hands over Giles'. "He wants
you to hold him."

"But he keeps-" Giles broke off, eyes widening, then Xander was being
picked up gently and cradled against his guardian's chest. "I've got you,
Xander. I'm here."

Xander finally closed his eyes. He could heard the muffled groans of his
father, hear Buffy's quiet threats. But he could hear Giles' heart
beating, feel his body move with every deep, slowing breath. Feel his arms
around him. He pressed his face into Giles' sweater, the wool scratchy and
Xander wanted to rub his face against it and let that discomfort take the
pain even further away.

He felt more than heard Giles' voice, the rumble vibrating against his
cheek. A minute or so later, Giles was gently urging him to look up. "We
have to get a splint on that arm."

"Here," came Oz' calm voice from somewhere above and behind him. "I've
got it." Xander remained where he was, felt gentle hands on his elbow. 
"This might hurt," Oz warned. Xander didn't care, didn't make any noise as
his arm was shifted and the pain soared. 

But then something was being wrapped around his arm, and tightened ever
so, and the pain ebbed a little. Enough that he could turn his head and
see Oz still kneeling there, wrapping a strip of tape around the splint and
his arm. Willow was beside Oz, watching over Xander -- he flashed on the
number of times she had watched this. He'd tried so hard to protect her
from the bad things, and here she was, silent and strong and watching over.

"We need to take him to hospital," Giles said quietly, all traces of anger
hidden away. "Oz, may we borrow your van? Can Willow drive it?"

"Sure." Oz looked momentarily confused.

"I want you to stay here with Buffy." Giles glanced over and his face
hardened again. When he looked back down at Xander, though, all Xander
could see was love. 

Oz nodded, handed over his keys. 

"Not that I care?" Buffy interrupted. "But Mr. Dead Man here is gonna
need stitches, too. You don't want him in the ER while Xander's there."

"No." Giles looked over, face hardening again until Xander knew who it
was who was watching his father bleed. He pulled himself closer. "I'd
hate for you to be stuck here with him long...but we'll be a while. Wait
an hour?"

"Eight hours."

Xander saw them all turn to Willow, saw Giles' expression of amazement. 
Xander wasn't surprised at her unforgiving tone or her words. Wasn't
surprised when she explained.

"He broke Xander's arm once before. In his bedroom -- usually when he got
beat up, he'd crawl out and came to my house or Jesse's. He couldn't climb
out that time, because of his arm. Xander lay there all night until Jesse
stopped by the next morning to walk with him to school. That's when we
started making him call us every night after everyone went to bed. So we'd
know."

Giles exchanged looks with Buffy and Oz then nodded. "Until evening, then."

Xander saw the tiny, pleased smile on Willow's face before his head rolled
back towards Giles as Giles lifted him up. He didn't have a chance to
protest he might have walked -- Giles was holding him, carrying him past
Buffy and Oz and the crumpled form of his father, and out of the library
all together.
******

Part Nine

Everything was fuzzy from that point. All he really knew was that Giles
continued holding him. He heard the engine of Oz' van, and knew it meant
they were going to the hospital. But he didn't think much about it, about
the ride or the words Giles was saying or Willow's occasional question.

Even when the darker interior of the van gave way to bright overhead
lights, Xander didn't try to rouse himself enough to notice what was going
on. It wasn't until Giles laid him down, and people pressed around him and
pushed Giles away that he screamed again.

He heard loud voices, one of them Giles', then he was back, kneeling down
beside him until their faces were level. Giles reached out and stroked his
hair gently. "I'm here, Xander. No one's going to hurt you."

Xander kept his attention on Giles. He knew hospitals, didn't
particularly care for them, but with Giles there making sure no one got
near...no one who wasn't supposed to be near, he could manage okay.

The nurses moved around, pulling and prodding and lifting him, measuring
things and taking things and using far more needles than he cared for. But
Giles was still standing there, talking to him, only looking away long
enough to answer a nurse's question before his eyes were on Xander's again.

Then he was being moved, the gurney he was on pushed through the halls.
Giles was still at his side, holding the hand of his uninjured arm as he
walked beside. They stopped briefly, and a woman was saying "I'm sorry,
you'll have to wait here." Xander felt Giles let go of his hand and he
craned his head around to see what was happening.

Giles was kneeling by his head again. "They have to take some X-rays of
your arm and your ribs."

Xander managed a nod, despite knowing he'd rather Giles went with him. 
There was no point in making this more difficult for them both. 

He stared at the ceiling and the walls while they took the X-Rays. He
turned when told, and made no noise when the motion jostled fresh spikes of
pain. Giles caught up with him again when they took him back into the
examining room where the nurse said they'd be putting a cast on his arm. 
Immediately he took hold of Xander's hand again. "How are you doing?"

"When are we going home?"

"Soon. They have to get your arm fixed up first."

He nodded, glanced around. "Where's Willow?" 

"Filling out your paperwork." Giles smiled faintly. "It seems she even
does my homework for me."

Xander grinned a little, and was answered with Giles' expression
lightening a bit more. Xander was beginning to feel tired, and he
suspected that the adrenaline had worn off. Shock had probably already set
in, he reasoned dimly, wondering if the sensation of a wall between he and
that thought was further proof he was right.

"Rest if you can," Giles said softly, stroking his forehead again. "It's
the best thing for you right now. I'll be here."

Xander nodded, and closed his eyes. His thoughts took the chance to
wander, looking for things other than what had happened to focus on. 
Perversely, that made him think of nothing but.

He skimmed the actual attack, used to glossing over such things in his
memories. Instead he noticed something he decided to consider heartening. 
For a few months now, in order to try to overcome the now-regular dreams he
was having -- inappropriately and still embarrassing as hell -- he'd
started referring to Giles, in his own head, as 'dad'. 

Apparently his brain had learned the habit well. He wondered if that
meant the attraction had gone away. He opened his eyes to regard Giles,
test his own reaction. 

After a moment he realized he couldn't be sure. All he did know was that
he loved this man. If that meant calling him dad, then that would have to
be OK.

Giles was watching him, eyes full of protection and worry and love. Xander
still remembered the look Giles had worn when he'd figured out it was him
Xander'd been referring to. Shock, then a flash of something wonderful: awe
and love and pleasure all rolled together. Then his face had settled into
determined lines and he'd pulled Xander to him.

Xander couldn't help the wide smile that crawled onto his face at
remembering it. When Giles looked at him in confusion, Xander whispered,
"Thanks, dad." He hoped the resulting expression would make the sheer
embarrassment of saying it aloud intentionally, worth it.

It was. Again he saw the same expression, and Giles' eyes were unnaturally
bright. He patted Xander's shoulder. "You're welcome."

They kept him another hour, setting his arm and taping his ribs. Xander
was happy to get going when they finally announced they were ready to
discharge him. He wasn't the only one. From the way Giles and Willow kept
hovering, he figured they were as ready as he.

He walked out to the van with Giles' arm around him for support. He could
tell from the man's expression that he wanted to carry Xander as he had on
the way in, but was allowing him the dignity to make it under his own power.

Xander appreciated the gesture, but he knew he wouldn't have complained
too loudly had Giles said to hell with dignity. As it was, he curled as
closely to Giles as his ribs would let him on the ride home, and let the
embrace, the steady thrum of the engine, and the ease of the pain due to
some very lovely drugs they'd given him, soothe him into a light doze.

When the van finally pulled into the parking lot, Giles gathered him up
into his arms and carried him up to their apartment. Xander tucked his
head against Giles' chest, mostly to hide the sleepy smile he knew would
ruin any macho-guy-image he might want to claim later. 

Willow unlocked the front door and Giles took him inside all the way to
his room. When he was on his own bed, in his own home, Xander finally let
himself get the shakes. He was quickly surrounded by support on both sides
as Willow and Giles sat down beside him and reached out to him.

"There's enough of me to share," he mumbled. Before either could say
anything, there was a soft knocking at the door. 

Giles stood reluctantly. "I have to go get...I'll be right back."

Xander nodded, knowing he was in good, safe hands with Willow. He didn't
even have to ask before she was scooting onto the mattress to sit beside
him. He rolled over onto his side, and draped his cast over her legs.

She touched it gingerly. "I think I have some of those stickers left
somewhere," she said softly, referring to the bright and overly cute bear
stickers she'd put all over the cast he'd had when he was a child.

"Yeah?" He grinned. "And hey, you and Giles and Buffy and Oz and Cordelia
can all sign it." He could feel the painkillers hitting his system, and
knew he'd be asleep before long. He didn't want to dream about his father,
so he tried to stay awake as long as he could.

"Count on it." She was quiet for a minute, looking down at his cast, her
fingers still absently stroking it. "Hey, remember when we were really
young and you and Jesse used to sleep over and we'd stay up half the night
telling each other wild stories?"

"Yeah...." He snuggled in a bit more. "Tell me one." Listening to her
while he fell asleep always made the dreams stay away. He closed his eyes,
and listened.

She thought for a moment and then began. "Once upon a time there was a
young prince. Only he didn't know he was a prince; he'd been stolen away
when he was still a baby and had grown up thinking he was only a poor
shepherd..."

"Did he work really hard?" Xander asked, knowing all his cues already,
though he'd never heard this particular story before. 

"Really, really hard. He grew up handsome and kind and funny and well,
wonderful, but he was very sad."

"Why was he sad?" He could feel himself getting more drowsy.

"Because deep down inside he knew he wasn't a shepherd, knew this wasn't
supposed to be his life. He was different and all the other shepherds knew
it. He only had two friends, two people he could talk to about these
feelings. One was the gamekeeper's son who lived nearby and the other was
the local wisewoman's apprentice."

"Were they good friends?" he whispered. He missed the gamekeeper's son. 

"The best." Willow's voice was low and warm. 

He gave Willow a squeeze. Smiling, he waited for the story to continue. 
He heard a soft noise as though a footstep had fallen on carpet nearby. He
ignored it. It couldn't be anything dangerous.

"One day, two strangers came to the village, a young warrior woman and her
teacher, a powerful sorcerer. And somehow the prince knew as soon as he saw
them, his life was going about to change forever."

"Oooh," he said with just the right amount of awe. "Did it? What did they
do?"

There was another slight noise, just past the doorway. 

"They were on their way to fight a great evil that had been attacking the
kingdom. They'd just stopped at the village to barter for food for
themselves and their horses. But then the sorcerer caught sight of the
young prince. And he knew. He Saw."

"What did he see?" Xander was almost asleep, but he wanted to hear the
next bit.

"He saw through the facade to the true heart underneath. For the first
time since he was a baby, someone looked at the prince and saw him for what
he truly was."

"Saw that he was a prince?"

"Uh huh. The sorcerer knew he'd found the missing heir and he vowed he
would make sure the prince reclaimed his birthright."

"Good," he asserted, not quite sure if he was awake to say it aloud or
not. But Willow's voice followed him into sleep, and he dreamed of a
sorcerer with eyes of fire and voice of cabled steel, whose hands wrought
magic and love for the entire kingdom of Xander.

**************

Part Ten

The next morning Xander came out of his room late. He'd slept several
hours yesterday, waking only long enough for a small dinner and to greet
Buffy and Oz when they stopped by. More painkillers and a cuddle from
Giles sent him back to sleep where, upon waking, he'd lain in bed for as
long as he could manage.

He'd been told by the doctor to get rest and take it easy, essentially not
to do anything that made his ribs hurt. He didn't think it would be
difficult to manage that part.

When he finally did come out of his room, he noticed the state of the
apartment and realized what they'd missed doing the day before. No
decorations, no tree, no presents for his friends.

"Good morning," Giles greeted him, getting up to come help him. "How are
you feeling?"

"Hungry." He rubbed his stomach. It was sore, but not much worse than
the worst he'd ever had. 

Giles seemed to find that answer heartening because he all but beamed at
him. He guided Xander to the couch. "What would you like me to make for
you?"

"Something easy. I'm not sure I'm up to much, yet." He sat down,
discovering as he did so that sitting was far easier than standing. His
ribs were going to bother him for days. He sighed. There was still
shopping to be done.

"All right." Giles smiled and squeezed his shoulder, before going into the
kitchen.

Xander was left looking at the space they'd cleared for the tree. The
tree skirt was folded neatly on the table and the stand was sitting in
place. There were wrapped presents hidden around the apartment, waiting to
be placed under the tree. Xander had done half of the shopping he'd
planned, but he still needed to get his present for Buffy and Oz and there
were two more things he wanted for Giles. 

Only the thought of going out to buy them made his heart stutter.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there staring at the empty space and
thinking, but it seemed like only an instant before Giles was back and
settling a tray laden with juice, toast and a steaming bowl of-- something
onto his lap.

He looked at the bowl. Blinked. Looked up at Giles. "Can I ask what
this is without sounding insulting?"

Giles looked amused. "It's porridge."

"Porridge?" He looked down at the bowl again. "Porridge really exists? 
I thought it was just a myth." He picked up his spoon, but eyed the bowl
warily.

"Considering some of the things I've seen you eat, I find it ironic that
you are intimidated by a simple bowl of porridge. I had it for breakfast
every morning when I was a child."

"That explains so much." He laughed, then, interrupting Giles' retort. 
He dipped his spoon in the gooey stuff and took a bite. "Tastes like
cinnamon and brown sugar."

"That's probably because I mixed some in," Giles observed sitting on the
couch beside him. "And don't talk with your mouth full."

Xander's jaw dropped. Then he closed it, swallowed, and said, "That
wasn't full. This--" He started to take another heaping spoonful.

"Xander." Giles frowned at him, but his eyes still glinted with humor.

He grinned, and ate his next bite with all decorum due a bowl of porridge.


"Do you need some of your pain medication?"

"Not yet. Not to worry, I'll let you know." He took a sip of his juice
and eyed Giles.

Giles looked back with his most innocent expression. "Yes?"

"This almost tastes like orange juice." It was good, but if Giles was
feeding him some weird potion...he didn't mind, he just wanted to know.

"That would be because it is." He coughed slightly, nervously. "Freshly
squeezed."

Xander felt his eyebrows climb up over his forehead and halfway into his
hair. "What's the matter, couldn't you sleep?" He said it lightly, only
intending to tease, then wanted to smack himself. Well, perhaps not
literally. "Sorry, I--"

"It's all right," Giles interrupted, waving off the apology. "I do have a
tendency to go a bit...ah...overboard when I'm worried."

"It's OK. It's...kinda nice." He ate a few more bites, before a thought
occurred to him. "You weren't by any chance worried when you went
Christmas shopping, were you?" He made it sound properly Kid's Greed of
the Season. To hide asking just *how* much he was getting. He suspected
he was getting a lot. But was this bordering on spoiled? And if
so...well, there was no 'if so'. Was he getting spoiled?

Giles eased the nebulous worry by laughing. "That would be telling.
Besides I'm not quite finished yet."

He felt a stab of excitement, quickly over-run by instantly suppressed
panic. He ate another bite of porridge to hide the unasked request that he
needed to go shopping, too.

"That will wait, however until you're up to a trip to the mall."

Again mixed emotions surged. Relief and guilt were primary. It was
already the 20th, and soon it would be too late to find anything decent --
and it was already too late to avoid the crowds. But going today...was
impossible.

"Don't." Giles was holding his gaze seriously. "Don't feel guilty. None of
this is your fault."

"I know," he said in a low voice. "But we had plans. We were doing
everything right to have a good Christmas for once. And then this...." He
felt himself shaking, and he cursed under his breath, pressed his palms to
his eyes. 

The tray was removed from his lap and then he was being pulled into Giles'
arms. "We'll still have a good Christmas."

Xander was beginning to feel like there was a geyser inside his chest. 
One small tap and water, pain, cries came pouring out with no end to be
found. He used to be so good at holding it in, letting none of it show,
much less be felt. 

Perhaps in this Giles had been bad for him, making the pain get out where
he could feel it again. But the trade was worth it.

"You'll just have to trust me on this." Giles' arms tightened and his
voice dropped to something barely above a whisper. "You're still here and
that is already the best gift I could have received. The only Christmas I
need."

He snagged Giles' sleeve with the fingers of his broken arm, the other arm
he worked around behind Giles. The images he'd been so able to ignore came
rushing back at him. It wasn't so much the physical pain -- he'd fought
before, and vampires landed blows harder than his father ever did. Though
never so many at once, and never...never had he, as a boy, still loved the
monsters that stalked them in the cemeteries of Sunnydale.

"What did I do?" he whispered, as Giles just sat there and held him.

"Nothing. You didn't do anything, Xander."

"But why--" He choked it off, knowing what Giles would say, and knowing
he couldn't believe it.

But the words that were said were not what he expected. "Perhaps...because
he wanted to make sure the prince stayed a shepherd."

Startled, Xander pulled back far enough to look up. Somehow he found he
didn't need to ask 'why'. "You heard that?"

Giles nodded.

Xander settled himself back into the embrace. After a few moment's
silence, he said, "She makes a good apprentice-wisewoman."

"Yes, she does." A slight pause. "And you make a wonderful prince."

Xander smiled, as he suddenly thought of another gift he needed to buy. 
Then he realized his breakfast was getting cold, and, since he had no idea
how well porridge re-heated, rubbed at his face and pushed himself
carefully back up to resume eating. Giles watched him for a moment, then
the doorbell rang. Giles got up to answer it, letting in Buffy and her
mother.

"Hey, Buffy, Mrs. Summers," Xander greeted them as they came in -- mostly
came in. For some reason Mrs. Summers was still standing in the doorway,
and Giles was leaning out the door. Buffy was grinning at him in a way
that made all his paranoia alarms go off. The good ones, except for the
few that said 'she might want me to perform hard labour or do something
embarrassing'. He narrowed his eyes. "What's up?"

"We come bearing gifts," Buffy told him as her mother and Giles wrestled
something in through the doorway. "Or at least something to put them under."

Xander set the tray aside again and was standing -- with a helping hand
from Buffy -- as the two adults brought in...a tree. A real,
honest-to-slayerettes Christmas tree. It was huge, thick, with long
branches and stood taller than Giles once they'd righted it. 

As Giles got a more solid grip on it, Mrs. Summers moved away and held
something out to Xander. "Also, this."

He took the small box, which was unwrapped and therefore fair game to be
opened right away. He did so and pulled out an ornament. It was a crystal
ball, with silver glitter scattered over its surface. Xander held it up by
its string and stared.

"Something to commemorate your first Christmas here," Joyce told him and
glanced at Giles. "For both of you."

Xander gave Giles a huge grin, and urged, "Suppose you should get the tree
up so I can put it on."

"As you command, your highness," Giles said in that very proper British
accent, his eyes glinting with humor and more. 

Xander ignored Buffy's raised eyebrow and simply waited with as much regal
bearing as he could muster. He did hand off the ornament to Buffy, though,
to help Giles get the trunk into the stand, fit it in, and set it upright.

"Don't overdo it," Giles warned him in a low tone as he wrestled the tree
upward.

"I'm OK," he said in a steady voice. He wasn't going to mention the fact
that he didn't think he'd be able to stand back up without help. He wanted
to help put up the tree.

His guardian shot him one more dubious look and then turned his attention
back to the tree. When it was firmly in place, he reached down and helped
Xander stand without a word.

Xander took a moment to admire the tree and get his breath back. Then he
turned to Buffy and accepted the ornament from her. Feeling as though
there ought to be some sort of ritual, formal words or something, he hung
the ornament on the tree.

Giles was standing behind him and put his hands on Xander's shoulders as
they looked at the tree. "Thank you," he heard Giles say to Buffy and her
mother.

"Hey, how did you--" He stopped, and narrowed his eyes at Giles. 
Fresh-squeezed orange juice. Porridge. Tree. He wondered what in the
world he'd done to deserve Giles. What else Giles had done in the last
twelve hours.

Joyce's answer confirmed what he was thinking. "I asked Giles yesterday
what we could do to help. And he mentioned you had been planning on getting
a tree today and asked if we could pick it up."

"Thanks. It's a great looking tree." Xander had a feeling everyone was
looking at him in varying degrees of *that* expression. He ignored them. 
Pretended to. He was really getting used to *that* expression. Sometimes
he felt like The Xander Project.

When his phone rang he was glad for the excuse to get out of the room
gracefully. He caught it on the third ring. "Hello?"

"Xander, luv! When are you coming by?"

Spike. The usual surge of mixed emotions went through him; the tangled
feelings that talking to Spike always engendered, blended with a healthy
jolt of panic-induced adrenaline at the thought of someone overhearing him.
"Hang on a moment." He went and shut his door firmly, then settled back
onto his still unmade bed. "I can't come by today, Spike."

"What?" He could hear the pout, practically see the vampire's lower lip
jutting out where it would normally be extremely nibble-onable. "But you
said you would, last night or tonight."

"I had a little...incident yesterday." He forced himself to say the words.
"With my father."

Spike's voice was inflectionless. "What sort of incident?"

"He..expressed his displeasure with my new living arrangements." Xander
swallowed. "Vehemently."

"How vehemently?" This time there was inflection. The sort of inflection
one would expect from a creature who lived his life on the blood of others.

He was reminded of Angel's warning; Spike was definitely not tame. "The
bruises and broken bones kind of vehement." He tried to make light of it,
or as light as one could of being beaten, but he fell far short.

"You all right? I mean, you're not-- You're home, so you must be all
right. Right?"

The barely articulate worry seemed to touch something deep inside of
Xander that he didn't feel up to examining too closely right then. "Oh,
I'll be fine," he hastily assured the vampire. "Just a broken arm and some
cracked ribs. I already feel better than I did last night."

"You sure?" There was a slight softening of Spike's tone. It didn't make
him sound any less upset, and less dangerous. But Xander was no longer
worried he'd slam the phone down and go-- but he didn't want to think that
far.

"I'm sure. Hey, I've had broken bones before and I've always healed just
fine." Again his attempt at lightness fell flat.

There was a pause. "Before? From him?"

He wanted to deny it, say it was from demon fighting or falling out of a
tree or anything else, but his hesitation was answer enough.

"I see." There was a shorter pause, then in a completely casual tone,
Spike asked, "So can I come by, then? Tonight? Don't expect you to invite
me in, but I can get to your window easily enough." He sounded for all the
world like a man yearning to see his lover.

Nothing more.

And Xander found himself wanting to see Spike as well. "Okay. After Giles
has gone to bed though."

"Right. Midnight? After?" 

"Um, after. Just wait until all the lights are out."

"All right. But you're gonna owe me a kiss if I have to wait past one
thirty." There was a hint of tease, a hint of pout, then. 

It made Xander smile. "I think that might be able to be arranged."

In a cheerful voice, Spike added, "And if you turn out the lights before
one thirty, you owe me two."

"Keep sweet talking me like that and I'll have to drug Giles' tea," he
teased, feeling himself smile.

"I can get you something for that," Spike offered, much too helpfully.

"Ah, thanks, but no thanks. You are not drugging my guardian."

There was a sniff. "You don't love me anymore." 

Fortunately Xander was saved from a response by a knock on his door.
"Gotta go," he told Spike quickly. "You can pout at me tonight."

"Gotcha."

When Xander opened his door, he found Buffy standing there. "My mom and I
are heading out." She gestured behind her to the living room. "Just wanted
to say good-bye."

"Hey! Thanks." He followed her as she stepped back into the hallway. He
could see the tree in the living room, looked from it to her again. 
"Thanks."

She smiled at him. "Anytime." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Just
get better, okay?"

What was it with people kissing him? Not that he was complaining. Never.
But it was going to give him a major wiggins before too much longer. He
followed her back into the living room where he was given a cautious hug
from Joyce -- major wiggins right there by itself -- and told they'd be
back tomorrow night for the party.

After they left, Giles asked him if he felt up to decorating the tree. "If
you don't, it will wait until later," his guardian added. "I don't want you
to overdo it."

"Overdo it? By hanging stuff on a tree?" Xander didn't quite feel up to
bouncing...but he started looking around for the boxes of ornaments.

"I stand corrected." Giles came over and helped pull out the boxes from
where they'd set them the day before. 

Before all of this happened.

Xander's hand shook as he opened one of the boxes. Before. He hadn't
ever really thought of his life in terms of Before and After, even when his
life had rather definite befores and afters.

Before grandma died. After Jesse died. 

Before going to Giles' apartment that night. All of those events in his
life, and he'd never once thought of it as before and after. But suddenly
he was having a very definite Before.

"Xander?" Giles' quiet voice accompanied the hand on his shoulder.

"Does it matter how we hang them?" His voice tried to break, but he
ignored it. He wanted to decorate the tree. Not think about...things.

"We can hang them wherever you'd like." 

Xander nodded, and pulled an ornament out. Without much deliberation at
all, he hung it on a branch.

*********

Part Eleven

They spent the rest of the day at home. Decorating the tree, the
apartment, and simply resting filled most of Xander's day. As evening
progressed, he found himself getting anxious. Apparently too anxious, he
realized, when Giles asked him if he was going to be able to sleep. Xander
assured him more than once that he would, and if not, that he would let
Giles know.

Then it was late, and Xander was sitting up in bed. Waiting for Giles to
turn out his light.... He realized that Spike must be already outside,
waiting, watching. The thought made his heart beat faster. 'Come on,
Giles,' he thought, 'I love you, but go to bed already!'

Finally, just past eleven thirty, Giles' light went out. Xander got off
the bed and headed for the window. He knew it would take Giles a few
minutes to fall asleep, but it might take Spike a few-- He stopped when he
saw Spike on the other side of the window, smiling at him.

Spike waved.

Okay, so maybe it wouldn't take Spike a few minutes to get up here. With
one last glance at the door of his room and the hallway behind it leading
to Giles' bedroom, he opened the window.

Spike leaned towards him, lips first. He stopped at the boundary of the
apartment, and waited. He waggled his eyebrows encouragingly when Xander
didn't kiss him right away. Xander felt himself grinning at the
expression, then leaned forward to meet his lover's mouth.

Spike took the kiss eagerly, opening his mouth and running his tongue
along the edge of Xander's teeth. As Xander kissed him, he realized he
could taste something he'd not tasted in Spike's kisses before.

Blood.

He flinched at the realization and pulled back.

Spike looked at him curiously. "Xan? Owe me one more," he said with airy
confidence. There was an undercurrent of something.

"I can taste the blood," he blurted.

Spike blinked. For a second there was no change in his expression, then
the barest hint of something that made Xander angry. But then the
expression flowed smoothly into concern and apology. 

Very smoothly.

"Sorry, pet. Bring me a beer and I'll--"

"You killed someone before you came here."

"Yeah? You ate dinner, yourself. Have a hamburger, did you? Dead cow?"

"It's not the same thing!" He had to remind himself to keep his voice down.

"Oh, really? Yeah, guess those butchers at the slaughter house only take
volunteers." 

"I'm not sleeping with a cow!"

Spike stopped, mouth open partway into his retort. Then, calmer, he said,
"And I'm sleeping with someone who slays vampires. You see me bringing it
up?"

Xander sighed and rubbed at his temples. He was getting a headache which
he didn't need -- he already hurt enough, thank you very much. He didn't
want to think about all this, didn't want to remember exactly what Spike
was at the moment. 

What Spike did.

"Look, you've managed to ignore it til now. Why all of a sudden do we
have to argue about it?" It almost sounded like Spike didn't understand
the problem. Xander knew better -- he understood. The problem was that
Spike didn't really care. 

Could he live with that? Go back to ignoring it? Part of him wanted to; he
was tired and he hurt and he just wanted the feelings back he'd had when
he'd been waiting for the light to go out.

Maybe, maybe he could. At least for the night. 

But that would mean not kissing Spike again. Which meant either he
invited him in for other things, or they sat here and talked. He wasn't so
sure what they could talk about that wouldn't just lead back to.... 

Spike was looking at him now. Worried, and, as Xander watched, Spike
raised his hand, reaching towards him. He was stopped at the invisible
barrier.

Xander reached back and touched his hand. "I can't invite you in," he
whispered, pained. He couldn't betray Giles that way.

Spike pressed his hand against the barrier, as if on a pane of glass. 
Looking in at him, so close yet separated by the very world. For the
longest time Spike just looked at him, sadness and regret hidden none too
well on his face. Then, "I know." Spike hesitated before asking, "Can you
come out?"

"I..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah." Spike held his hand in place another moment before letting it
fall. He remained where he was, simply looking in at Xander. "Well, then.
I guess I better be off." Spike stepped back, and Xander hated hearing the
hurt Spike was trying to suppress. But he couldn't go after him. Spike
stopped a couple feet away, looked at him again. "You can still call if
you like." Then, as if wanting to deny the need in his words, Spike
vanished immediately thereafter.

Xander stared out into the night long after the vampire had vanished. The
darkness seemed to close in on him, making him feel more empty and alone.
Suddenly he knew that if he stayed here in his room it was only going to
get worse. There wouldn't be anything left of him by morning.

He didn't need this. His father, now Spike...he didn't need to lose any
more illusions. Turning suddenly away from the window, he ran out of his
room. Knocking was easy, this time, and he had barely done so when he
heard Giles' voice say "Come in."

He did so, finding Giles sitting up and reaching to turn on the lamp by
his bedside. "Can't sleep?"

As soon as Giles saw him, he was out of bed and coming over. But Xander
was already falling apart. 

Giles didn't ask anything, just pulled him into the haven of his arms and
held him while he cried. His entire body shook, and he had to dig his
fingers into Giles' shoulders, hanging on as best he could. The cast made
it awkward, but Giles was holding him up, letting him hang on as his world
swam beneath him. 

He cried until his head ached, as well as his ribs and throat. He tried
to press his hand against his face, then, pushing everything back in.

"Do you want one of your painkillers?" Giles asked softly as Xander's sobs
faded to the occasional hiccup, his hand still gently rubbing Xander's back.

Xander nodded, the pain starting to flare every place he'd been struck.
His arm, his side, his stomach...his heart. He started crying again as
Giles headed for the bathroom, but kept his mouth closed against letting
more of it out.

Giles returned with one of his pills and a glass of water. Handing it to
him, he watched as Xander swallowed it, then took the glass and set it on
the nightstand. Then he was pulling Xander back into his arms again.

He was shaking, knowing it would take a few minutes for the drugs to kick
in, his body was already trying to let go. He closed his eyes and let his
head fall on Giles' shoulder.

"You should lie down," Giles said softly, after several moments of silence.

Xander nodded, stepping reluctantly away from Giles to return to his room.
He knew as soon as the drugs kicked in he'd be lucky to be conscious, much
less mobile. He yawned. "Thank you."

Giles reached out and touched his arm. "I meant here, Xander. If you want
to, that is."

Xander stared at him, surprise fast giving way to a fast nod and moving
back towards Giles' bed. When he'd climbed in, Giles settled beside him. 
Xander wriggled a bit, trying to get comfortable. Between his ribs and his
arm, he wasn't sure it would be completely possible.

But it felt better, already, just being here.

An arm gently slid around him, gently tugged him back into Giles' embrace.
He slipped off to sleep, then, fears of the days behind him fading under
the weight of Giles' arms.

**************

"Where next?" Xander looked at the crowd of fellow last-minute-shoppers
and tried to remember the list of places Giles had detailed at breakfast. 
He hadn't tried to remember them, not up to doing much more than following
Giles around.

Giles had offered to let Xander stay home, or bail partway through the
morning if the shopping expedition proved to be too much. He had opted to
come, but now, tired and sore as he got, Xander couldn't bring himself to
leave.

"The food court," Giles said after eyeing Xander closely. "I think we
could both use a break."

"You don't think anyone will be there?" Xander teased, though truthfully
he was grateful for the chance to sit down. He shifted the bag he was
carrying to the other hand as they made their way towards the food court so
that it was out of the way. The crowd made it difficult to maneuver and he
had to stay right next to Giles to get through.

Giles glanced over at him every few seconds, finally reaching out and
guiding him with a hand at the small of his back. Reassured that they
wouldn't get lost in the crowd, Xander turned his attention to the next big
question. Chili dogs, Chinese, or pizza?

Of course, Giles would head for the deli, and the other places were on the
other side of the court. There was a Greek place next to the deli, though,
and the deli did have baked potatoes. When they reached the food court,
Xander tagged along after Giles.

That earned him another long look, then Giles was stopping. "Perhaps
Chinese today," he finally said casually. "Care to join me, Xander?"

"Whatever's good with me." 

They wended their way through the lines towards Ming's. The tables were
already in short supply, which made Xander wonder if it wouldn't be smarter
to split up -- one grab a table, the other the food.

Or they could just take their food down to the benches....

They got their food, then miraculously found an empty table. Xander
raised an eyebrow. "Are you allowed to use your sorcerer's talents on this
kind of thing?"

"I have no idea what you could possibly be referring to," Giles replied
with a tiny smile.

Giving him a suspicious look, Xander turned his attention to lunch. He
loved mall Chinese food -- $4 for a plate full of food. Granted it was
mostly noodles, but that was OK. It would keep him full until they reached
the other end of the mall where the Orange Julius was. 

"Is there anywhere else you need to go this afternoon?" 

"Oh, I still need to--um...get stuff." He grinned. "At that place. Where
they sell those things...." 

Giles gave him one of those "I'm humoring him" smiles. "If you're tired I
can drop you off back home before I finish my-"

"Oh, it's OK. I can--" Well, he couldn't do it later, could he? He
frowned. Maybe Willow would be free to go with him while he finished up
his shopping for Giles.

"Are you sure? You're looking a little white around the edges."

"Too much holiday cheer. I'd rather get it done today, though, than wait
til tomorrow."

The other option was not getting it done at all. He knew Giles wouldn't
mind, would give him a lecture on how he'd rather Xander took care of
himself than overdid it in order to buy a present. 

But he really wanted to get this for Giles. Even if he had to.... Well,
if Willow weren't free, maybe Buffy or Oz was?

Giles nodded. "All right, then. Barring a chance in your status or demon
attack we'll get it all done this afternoon."

"How about a change in my status as a demon attack?" He gave Giles a "I'm
cute" look.

"Have you been doing experiments I should be worrying about?" Giles asked
with a mock frown, playing along.

"Um, define 'worrying'?" Xander eyed Giles' untouched eggroll and
compared the risk of stealing to braving the line. Then again, there was
the pretzel place next to the Orange Julius....

Giles followed his gaze and handed over the eggroll with a half smile.
"Well, it's certainly not your appetite I need to worry about."

"It isn't my fault," he said, trying for actual repentance. Or at least
an absence of overt joy at getting the eggroll. "Besides, I'll probably
grow out of it by the time I'm thirty."

"Should I be getting more eggrolls then?"

Xander gave him another cute look. "Unless you want a pretzel, too?"

That earned him a laugh. "Pretzels after shopping then."

They ended up leaving the mall after the one more store -- a little
knick-knacky thing Xander knew probably had a real name. It was for
Buffy's mom, a sort of thank you for the tree and all-around 'thanks for
letting us borrow your daughter all the time'. Then, with pretzels and a
strawberry julius, they left the chaos that was The Mall and headed for
downtown.

"I've just the one stop to make," Giles told him as he pulled into a
parking spot. "Any places you need to go to?"

Xander looked up and down the street. A hodgepodge of small specialty
shops of the sort that usually went out of business when the strip malls
moved in. Sunnydale, however, had an eclectic enough populace that these
shops stayed in business. Magic shops, herbal shops, imported clothing....
Xander wondered how many non-humans shopped here, and if he should be
worried about that fact.

There was, however, a shop two stores down he needed to visit. He glanced
over at Giles, knowing he just had to say 'be right back' and he could dash
off and get his guardian a present. He got out of the car, heading for the
sidewalk, mind still not made up.

The store Giles was heading for was a small jewelry shop with a reputation
for exquisite custom work and the prices to match. It was well beyond
Xander's means so there was really no reason for him to go in with Giles.
Not when he could better use the time to do his own shopping.

He took a step towards the shop he needed to visit. The sidewalks weren't
particularly crowded. Xander suddenly realized Giles was about to go
inside the jewelry store and he jumped after him. The other could wait. 

Giles gave him an accessing look as he caught up to his guardian. He
didn't say anything, but the guiding hand was once again at the small of
his back, a comforting point of contact.

He stayed next to Giles as they entered, though he craned his head around
to look at everything. He'd been in here once, accompanying Cordelia as
she picked something up. They had neat stuff, but it made Xander feel like
he should be out back in the alley delivering their boxes, rather than
inside like an actual customer.

The salesman knew Giles by name and already had a small package gift
wrapped and ready for him. The price quoted was enough to make Xander's
eyes bug out, but Giles just handed over his credit card without so much as
a blink.

He wondered if it were something for -- but no, it wouldn't be for Jenny. 
He eyed the box, then looked at Giles curiously. The only other person he
could think of was Buffy -- would he buy something like this for her?

Yeah, he would. Xander relaxed, thinking how excited Buffy would be when
she got it, whatever it was.

"Anything you need to do?" Giles asked as they exited the store.

It wasn't like he could ask Giles along with him. Even if he stayed on
the other side of the store, he'd see what Xander was getting. If he asked
Giles to wait outside? 

Maybe.

"I wanna see if Traeger's has something."

"All right." They headed down two doors to the store.

As he opened the door, Xander finally figured out how to manage this. See
if they had what he wanted, then come back later to get it. Without Giles.

It couldn't be that hard.

**********

Part Twelve

Willow came over early, ostensibly to help get ready for the party. In
fact, as soon as she showed up carrying a large sack, she and Xander headed
for Xander's room.

Xander had found exactly what he'd wanted at Traeger's the day he and
Giles had stopped in. He'd been unable to get away yesterday to go get it,
helping Giles clean the apartment and then fix dinner, by which time it was
too late to head back out. This morning he'd intended to go and had gotten
as far as the corner when he'd realized he could just call Willow and ask
her to stop by on her way over.

It was simpler that way, he told himself. It had nothing to do with cold
ball of fear in his stomach at the thought of going downtown alone.

She'd been happy enough to go, however, and now, sitting on his bed with
his bedroom door closed, she pulled it out of the sack and its tissue
wrappings. Xander grinned. He'd debated getting a box and wrapping it up,
or doing a 'Santa' present and leaving it unwrapped, appearing mysteriously
by the tree during the night. He still hadn't decided. 

"This is such a cool gift," Willow told him. "He's going to love it."

"Yeah. You don't mind, do you? That he heard you?" He took the hat from
her and looked it over again. It was velvet, a dark, dark purple with
silver embroidered symbols all over it. A perfect wizard's hat.

"I don't mind at all. I'm glad to help out."

He set it on the bed, pleased with the way the tip of the hat bent ever so
slightly, indicating that it was not completely stiff. It'd been made to be
worn.

"So how are you doing?" Willow asked casually, glancing at him.

He looked at her, surprised. "I'm fine. You know, 'hanging in there and
not thinking much about it' fine."

"You haven't called me or anything." 

Fighting the urge to either smile or fidget with embarrassment, he
admitted, "I've been, um...." OK, this was Willow. Tell her anything best
friend for life. He took a deep breath. "I've been sleeping in Giles'
room. Keeps the nightmares away."

She smiled at him. "Oh, that's just so swee- I mean, I'm glad you're not
having bad dreams. That's what I mean."

He gave her a sharp look. He reconsidered giving her a hard time, though,
because he felt the same way. Even if it meant he had more of *those*
dreams. So instead he smiled at her. Reminded himself that 'tell her
anything' did not mean everything.

"Oh, speaking of recovering..." Willow dug into her bag and pulled out a
handful of stickers.

He held out his cast to her, tugging his long sleeve out of the way. But
he was still watching her face, wondering. 

"Which ones do you want?"

"Oh, one of each?" He glanced down at the bears, all in various poses and
stages of cuteness. "Will?"

"Yeah?" She began peeling the stickers off and putting them on his cast.

He knew he wouldn't have to ask her to keep it a secret. But maybe she
could tell him his dreams were perfectly understandable. He looked down at
his cast, watching her carefully place another bear. "It is good. But--
you know you can't tell anyone this."

His tone alerted her to the fact he was talking about something serious
and she looked up, meeting his eyes. "You know you can tell me anything,
Xander. And that I'll keep your secrets."

"I know. I just -- I'm babbling to put off saying this." He grinned
briefly. "I just...don't want...." He sighed. "I don't know what I want.
I just want to tell you something."

She reached out and took his hand. "I'm listening."

Nervously, and as quietly as he could manage, he said, "I keep...having
dreams. Good dreams, I mean, not nightmares, but--"

"But...?"

"About Giles."

"What about Giles?"

"Dreams. About Giles." He stared at one of the bears Willow had placed
on the cast. Last time, she'd practically covered the plaster,
unintentionally leaving no room for anyone to sign. This time she'd left
lots of white space.

"What kind of dreams?"

"Um, dreams where...he...the sort of dreams I used to have about Buffy."

"Oh." Willow's eyes widened. "Oh!"

He nodded. "I know I shouldn't, I mean, he's like... my guardian. I'm
not supposed to think these things about him." Doubtfully, he met her eyes
again. "Right?" Because, other than the embarrassing part about having
the dreams, there was the utter lack of actual shame he had about his
feelings. Nothing wrong with them, as long as no one knew....

Willow answered slowly, obviously considering her words with care. "He
rescued you from a horrible situation. He loves you and you love him. Not
to mention he's really yummy."

Xander grinned, despite his surprise at hearing those words from Willow. 
It wasn't that he expected her not to notice such things...but he didn't
expect her to notice such things. Especially about *Giles*.

She glanced at him sideways. "I never knew you thought of guys...y'know.
That way."

Xander shrugged. "I never expected me to think of guys that way. 
Apparently my brain had other ideas." He glanced away again, wondering if
he wanted to admit, at the least, that he had more than a theoretical
knowledge of That Way. Even if he didn't tell her who. It might be nice
to at least tell her he *had* someone.

"And you've been getting more in touch with your brain lately." She smiled
at him in that 'I'm proud of you' Willow way she had.

He shifted uncomfortably. This was getting closer and closer to actually
saying "Besides, there's sort of a reason for that."

Xander groaned, and closed his eyes.

"A reason?" Willow's eyes widened. "You and Giles haven't-"

"NO!" Xander protested before he could even process what she was asking. 
"No, gods, Will, I--" He calmed himself down hurriedly, shook his head in
a much more calm and collected and believable manner. "He isn't...you
know. He wouldn't."

"Then what do you mean about a reason?"

He needed to figure out how to stop saying things to Willow that he didn't
really want her to know. He'd had sixteen years to practise, he should
know how by now. "I mean...um...that I kinda have. With someone else."

He wondered why he felt guilty for telling her. He knew how she had felt
about him -- it was hard to miss how she had tried for so long to get him
to ask her out, until she'd finally met Oz. But he'd never encouraged her,
never let her think he felt the same way.

She was looking at him, her eyes so wide they seem to take up half her
face. "Who?"

"Um, I can't really..." He sighed. "That I can't tell you. Do you mind?"

"He's not out?"

"He's so not out." It was a good excuse, at least. Xander suspected that
Spike would gleefully tell the world, if he felt like it. Assuming, of
course, there was anything left to tell about. If he never saw Spike
again...would it make a difference what he told Willow? What he didn't? 
Other than the fact he was never, ever going to tell her he was...had
been.... He cut off his thoughts. Not going there. Not today.

"I understand. It's not your secret to tell."

"I'm sorry." She was being so understanding about everything, it only
made him feel worse. Of course, he knew if he told her who she'd be
yelling at him, telling Giles to lock him up -- or exorcise him or both.

Willow leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Thank you for telling me."

He ducked his head, grinning like an idiot. It was silly to be grateful
to her for such a little thing. 

"Can I sign your cast?"

He held it out to her. "Since you left room this time, sure."

"I had to. There's more people who will want to sign it." She took out a
marker she'd brought with the stickers and leaned over his arm while she
wrote on the cast.

He watched her signing, wondering why her statement sounded so odd. When
she'd finished signing, he asked, "You mean you did it deliberately? 
Because no one but you and Jesse would have signed it?"

Willow was silent for a moment and when she did finally answer it was
without looking up. "I didn't want anyone else to sign it. Jesse was okay
because he was one of us, but otherwise I wanted you all to myself." 

Xander felt his smile spreading from his face all the way through his
body, down even to his toes. He looked at his cast, to see what she'd
written.

-To my very best friend, here's to no more broken bones or dreams. Willow-

He reached out with his good arm, and pulled her close. She sighed and
hugged him back, wrapping her arms around his waist and rested her head on
his shoulder. 

Sometimes, Xander thought, life could be a good thing.

*********************

It was late, very late even by Slayerette standards, when they finally
declared the party Over. No one had wanted to go, everyone having a good
time and tacitly agreeing not to look at the clock, not to mention 'maybe
we should's. But eventually there were yawns, and reluctant agreement that
even a party had to end.

They'd all pitched in to help clean up, finishing the job in little time
at all. Then there were goodbyes, and finally Giles and Xander were left
alone.

Xander collapsed on the couch and looked at his cast again. Everyone had
signed it, even Joyce and Cordelia's boyfriend.

Giles smiled down at him. "You should go to bed."

"Yeah, I should." Xander turned his arm upside-down, trying to read
Buffy's line. She'd written it so he either had to hold his cast up to a
mirror, or twist his head underneath his arm. Beside it, right-side up,
Giles had signed.

"Perhaps I should've written something more profound."

"Huh? What's not profound about 'Rupert Giles'?" Xander grinned. 
"There's still white space, if you wanna add something." 

His guardian considered for a moment, then went and got a marker. Xander
held out his cast and Giles wrote something brief, then stepped back again. 

Xander read it, then jumped off the couch and grabbed Giles in a hug. 
He'd added simply, 'Dad'.

"Profound enough?"

"Yeah." Xander squeezed hard, then jumped back and grinned at him. "You
could add 'is gonna buy Xander a car'. That'd be profound."

"And also a fantasy."

"A profound fantasy. Is there any better kind?"

Giles smiled faintly. "Those that come true."

Xander stopped, regrouping his mental bearings -- everyone had had a
touchy-feeling moment when they'd read Willow's line. Xander had breezed
through it during the party, but now it was proving kind of hard. He
wanted to say something about the car being a true fantasy, but the light
retort just stuck on his tongue.

The look Giles gave him was totally understanding.

"I'm gonna go to bed." He hesitated, then just said, "Thanks for the
party."

"Thank you for giving me a reason to have it." He pressed a kiss to
Xander's forehead. "Pleasant dreams."

Oh, yeah, Xander told himself as he headed for his room. 'That's gonna
help those dreams be pleasant.' He brightened as he realized there was
something waiting for him in his room. Angel had brought it, not handing
it over when everyone else exchanged a gift. Rather, he'd shown it to
Xander then left it in his room.

It was resting on the bed when he entered; a large, fairly flat, brightly
giftwrapped package. He dove onto the bed, catching up the package as he
landed. He didn't know why Angel hadn't wanted him to open it in front of
everyone. It wasn't like anyone didn't know they were friends. He flipped
the tag over before tearing the paper, and saw.

It wasn't from Angel. It was from Spike.

His hand rested lightly on the package. He could feel his heart-rate
picking up. When had Spike bought this? Before their fight? After?

Did it matter?

Slowly, he began unwrapping the paper, taking care not to rip it, care he
hadn't with the earlier gifts. The box inside was a well-made one, sturdy
cardboard. A touch of quality Xander hadn't realized he wouldn't have
expected from Spike. He ran his finger across the lid, wondering for a
moment if it would be anything he could share with his friends. Unlike the
Dead Puppies CD which he tried not to let anyone know he enjoyed since,
after all, they thought it was from his folks.

He opened the box to reveal a coat. A long black duster like the one Spike
wore. Without thinking, he stood, shaking the coat out and slipping it on.
It fit perfectly. That didn't surprise him.

As he turned, letting the coat billow, he caught sight of the package he'd
stashed, still waiting to be wrapped. The Dead Puppies debut album. He'd
searched for weeks, looking everywhere to find it. Finally he'd located
one, ordered it over the web from a company in Timbuktu, New Jersey, or
some such place. Paid nearly as much for shipping to get it here in time.

Then he'd doubted he would even get to give it to Spike. Now, though....

It seemed silly to let it just gather dust on his shelf. Even if they
weren't....anymore, they had been...well, whatever they were. And that
deserved some acknowledgement.

Besides, Spike had sent his present over, which meant...something. He'd
have to just wrap the album and take it to him -- or give it to Angel to be
delivered, if he didn't want to see Spike. 

He'd think it over. Til then, he turned again, letting the edges of the
coat twirl.

***********

Part Thirdteen

Xander lay in his bed. He was, as he'd expected to be, wide awake. He
hadn't slept much -- lain awake until nearly midnight, simply unable to
reconcile Christmas with being inside, in bed, in a quiet home. He kept
wanting to go out and see if everything was still really there.

He hadn't, though, not wanting to make Giles think he was impatient for
Christmas morning and presents. He'd finally fallen asleep for a few
hours, then he'd woken again with a shot of fear, expecting to find himself
outside again when he'd opened his eyes. He'd finally crept into the
living room, then, around 3 o'clock. The apartment was mostly dark, lit
only by the street lights outside and the glow of the microwave's clock. 

Everything had seemed the same. All the decorations still in place, the
tree still there with its piles and piles of presents. He'd sat down
beside it, and stared for the longest time. 

At four, he'd returned to bed, intent on sleeping some more. Instead he'd
lain awake until now, almost dawn, watching the shadows on the ceiling. 
Now he wanted to go back into the other room again. Not to find out if the
magic had washed away to leave a cold, greyer reality, but for the simple
reason that soon he'd get to start *opening* those presents. Watching
Giles open his. They'd make tea and biscuits and they'd spend the entire
morning just...celebrating. Being there.

He sat up, seized by the urge to go out, start now. Wanting to be out
there with Giles and all the Christmassy stuff now, before it *could* fade
away. But that was ridiculous, wasn't it? He stayed in bed, and told
himself it wasn't going to fade. That sort of thing didn't really happen. 
It couldn't. Just like there was no real Santa and no real magic and no
real....

Xander leapt out of bed and into the hallway, ignoring the protest from
his ribs as he ran silently the few steps to the very edge of the living
room. He leaned against the wall, looking in. It was real, and maybe if
he kept looking at it, it couldn't fade away.

He stayed where he was for he didn't know how long. Eventually he heard
the floorboards in the hallway creak and a soft footstep behind him, and
Giles' voice, still thick with sleep, say his name.

"Hey," he said quietly, not turning around. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"Are you all right?"

He knew it was going to sound stupid, but he'd finally, somewhere along
the line, overcome letting that stop him from saying things to Giles. "I
just needed to make sure it didn't go away."

A hand came and rested on his shoulder, squeezing briefly. "Come on,"
Giles urged him, leading him to the couch and settling them both on it.
"Might as well be comfortable while we watch."

Xander settled against Giles, trying only a few times to find a way to
lean sideways without making his ribs hurt. Then he let his head fall
sideways onto Giles' shoulder, and they watched.

As the sun began to rise, the room began to grow color. The greys bled
into white, and the blacks into green and red and blue. As the light
spread, the room began to look more real, more like what he remembered from
yesterday when they'd put the final touches on everything and he'd thought
nothing at all of it being strange.

"Merry Christmas, Xander."

"Merry Christmas." He waited another moment, telling himself he should
wait until the sun was actually up and not just thinking about it. "Can we
start now?" he asked, sounding more like an excited five year old than
someone old enough to know better.

"My parents always made me wait until after we'd eaten breakfast," Giles
said conversationally.

"Nooooooooo!" Xander pushed himself up, turning to grab onto Giles' arm. 
"Food bad! No breakfast."

"Yes, if I recall correctly, that was my reaction as well. It never seemed
to impress my father."

Xander froze, starting to frown. "You're kidding me, aren't you?" He
realized it was probably ungrateful as hell to whine about waiting an extra
hour to make and eat breakfast.

"Yes."

Xander blinked. "Yes...about waiting?"

Giles nodded. "Yes."

He frowned at Giles again. "That wasn't nice! D'you want Santa to take
your presents away?" He got off the couch, though, and headed straight for
the tree.

"I would never have made you wait. You've waited long enough for this."

"Yeah, eight hours," Xander replied, knowing it wasn't what Giles meant. 
He stopped before kneeling by the pile of presents. "Stockings? Presents? 
How--" He'd mostly managed to overcome not saying stupid things to Giles. 
"Is the English order of events different?" Well, it hadn't sounded too
stupid.

"We always started with the stockings first." Giles gave him a fond smile.
"But feel free to start wherever you want."

"Stockings!" Xander went over to the mantle. He'd filled Giles' stocking
last night on one of his admittedly many excursions to the living room. He
brought it over to Giles, carrying his own rather heavy sock. Peeking out
of the top was a bar of chocolate. He pulled it out. "See! Breakfast!"

"Yes, well, only today." Giles still tended to look at chocolate bars with
suspicion and, as far as Xander knew, hadn't eaten any since the incident
with the cursed candy. But he had never said anything about Xander eating
it and had continued to make sure there was always some in the house.

"Don't worry, I didn't put any in your stocking." Xander grinned, and set
the chocolate aside long enough to dig further into the stocking.

He began making a pile on the cushion beside him, stopping occasionally to
oo or ah. When he pulled out the Matchbox Mustang, though, he stopped and
held it up to Giles.

Giles lifted one eyebrow. "You said you wanted a car." 

"Did I forget to say what size?"

"You might've, yes."

Grinning, Xander said in as stern a tone as he could manage, "I would like
to clarify that I meant a full-size car."

"Understood." Giles paused, then added almost diffidently, "Consider that
one a promise. When you graduate, we'll see about getting you something to
get around in."

"Really?" Xander reminded himself not to bounce, after he'd done so once
and felt the resulting pain shoot through his side. "Really? A real car?
Full-sized and runs and a real car?"

"Really."

He bounced again, anyway. "Ow."

"Take it easy on those ribs."

"I'm trying! You think it's easy to have bruised ribs on Christmas?" He
went back to emptying his stocking, and munching his way through the first
of the three chocolate bars he'd gotten. 

"No, I'm sure it isn't." Giles' voice was soft.

He glanced back, knowing what sort of expression he'd see on Giles' face,
even the parts that would be hidden behind a mask of whatever a proper
British gentleman called the mask he wore over his emotions. "It's still
the best, you know."

"I'm glad."

He waited what he thought was an appropriate interval after emptying the
stockings -- reflecting that Giles had been just as pleased by his own,
even if he had been more composed in his oos and ahs. Then - "Presents?"

Giles smiled faintly. "You waited longer than I thought you would." He got
up and went over to the tree, bending and picking up a small package.
Returning to the couch, he handed it to Xander. "Open this one first."

Startled, Xander took it. "This is what you picked up at the jewelry
store." He was already tearing the paper -- he didn't care if it was a
Giles family tradition to remove the paper carefully. Removing the paper
revealed a black velvet box, of the kind he'd really only seen in movies
and tv shows before. They always seemed to contain priceless jewels,
silver, or gold.

"Open it," Giles said softly, watching his face intently.

He almost didn't dare. There was something wonderful in this box. 
Something of the sort he'd never had, never even dreamed of having. 
Something so far above his reach.... He opened it anyhow, carefully, and
looked inside.

It was an I.D. bracelet. Bright silver chainlinks, and a small plaque
engraved with his name. He read it. Blinked and read it again.

'Xander Harris Giles,' it read, and in smaller print underneath it,
'Christmas 1997'.

He lightly rubbed his thumb over the engraving. He had no idea what he
was supposed to say -- and couldn't have, anyway, over the thick tightness
in his throat.

"I wasn't sure if it was something you'd like, but I wanted to give you
something...permanent. I hope I'm not overstepping myself," Giles said
rather nervously. 

"Does this mean...I could...this is me now." He could barely think,
barely say whatever it was he was feeling. He held out his right hand and
the bracelet to Giles. 

Reverently, Giles took the bracelet and fastened it around Xander's wrist.
"If you want it to be."

"Oh, yeah," he breathed, staring at his wrist. The name was right where
he could see it, anytime he glanced down. "Oh!" He tried to bounce up off
the couch. Giles caught him.

"Ribs," he was reminded gently with a warm smile.

"The one in the blue and green bag," he pointed, letting himself be eased
back down onto the couch. "Open that one first."

Giles went and got it. "This one?"

"Yeah." 

He watched excitedly as Giles brought it over and sat down. Carefully,
Giles opened it, laughing as he pulled out the hat.

"The very best in Sorcerer's wear," Xander explained.

His guardian's smile softened at that explanation. "All the more precious
coming from the prince," he said quietly.

Xander gave him a wide grin. Someday he was gonna figure out a way to get
that allusion to work for him. If he were royalty, he ought to be able to
order the peasants around, at least. 

They took turns unwrapping several more presents. Clothes, CDs -- albums
for Giles -- and various books of the mundane and non-mundane variety. 
When Xander saw Giles about to open one particular present, he kept watch
out of the corner of his eye.

This one also inspired laughter, but it was gentler and more affectionate.
"Still maintaining the tradition?" Giles asked, holding up the tie.

"Well, yeah. What is Christmas but a conglomerate of traditions? 
Besides, um, I know how pissed you got when you had to trash the other one
after the Bego demon slimed it."

Giles shifted uncomfortably. "Actually...I still have it."

Xander's eyebrows rose. Grown-ups did that sort of thing, too? Maybe he
wouldn't feel so silly about keeping those two boxes.

"But I will treasure this one as well." His guardian smiled. "Can't wear
the other with the slime stains on it."

"Oh, you could. To the right kinda parties...." Xander grinned at the
look Giles gave him, and turned his attention to the next present.

The one Giles handed him was large and heavy. The nametag was not in
Giles' handwriting though it did bear some similarity. He blinked when he
saw what was written after the 'from'. 'Grandmum and Grandad.' He looked
back up at Giles. "I thought you weren't, you know, talking to your dad...?"

"We still keep each other informed about important things."

"And they got me a gift?" He hadn't gotten them anything. Hadn't even
known they knew he was here.

"It is tradition in my family to spoil grandchildren."

Xander figured his grin was one of the scary kind from the way it made his
cheeks hurt and made Giles roll his eyes and mutter something about 'god
help me'. He wasted no more time, then, tearing the wrapping off.

It was a set of leather bound volumes. Encyclopaedia, Xander thought at
first, but then he looked closer. Corrand's Complete Demonic Reference. 
The same set as Giles had, only he saw that it was a newer version by
several years. Newest, in fact. "Oh, wow!" He opened the first one. The
pages smelled new. They were thick, high quality paper. "Wow."

Willow was going to be *so* jealous. For as long as it took her to borrow
them. He grinned again.

Giles smiled and picked up another one of the books. "It looks like I'm
going to have to keep my eyes open or my father is going to try and recruit
you into the family business."

"I don't wanna be a Watcher. I'm gonna be a chemist," Xander said, still
looking through the book. The set had been on his class' recommended
reading list, and he'd been able to take shortcuts already in his homework
by using Giles' set.

"You can be anything you want, Xander." The words were quiet and
determined.

"Yes, dad," he replied in his best 'whatever' voice.

Giles rolled his eyes goodnaturedly. "Finish opening your presents."

"Do I *have* to?" he whined, though he held onto the still-wrapped one at
his side - just in case.

"Well, if you'd rather not, we can always just go and have breakfast-"

"We can't have breakfast," Xander said matter-of-factly. "I still have
presents to open."

He got a 'well there you go then' gesture for that and Giles sat back on
the couch to watch him.

Xander pointed out casually, "You've got presents left, too."

"Do I?"

Xander pointed to the tree. He knew for a fact that three of the packages
still under it were for Giles. He knew because he'd put them there.

"And I should open them now?"

Xander cast a doubtful eye on the presents. "You could leave them for
next year, I guess. If you have that much restraint."

Diffidently, Giles said, "You went to all the trouble of getting and
wrapping them, it's the least I can do to open them."

Xander controlled his grin while Giles went to pick up two of the last of
the gifts. When Giles was almost back to the couch, he said, "Yeah, I knew
you couldn't wait."

Giles smiled faintly at him, then turned his attention to carefully
unwrapping the first gift. Xander paused in opening his fourth-to-last
present -- not that he was counting -- and watched Giles. The paper was
removed and set aside, the box opened, revealing another giftwrapped box.
"Very...industrious of you."

"I had a lot of wrapping stuff left over by that point."

The process was repeated, revealing one more wrapped box. "I can see that."

Xander kept quiet. The multiple wrappings had been an idea he'd stolen
from a cousin of Willow's -- she'd wrapped a Chanukah present for Willow
inside eight boxes. He didn't know if it would help, hinder, or matter at
all when Giles finally found what was tucked inside.

He still couldn't believe he'd done it, but he couldn't help but feel it
was appropriate. He glanced down at the bracelet on his wrist and the
words written there; very appropriate indeed.

It took several moments for Giles to get through the boxes and to the
envelope they contained. Xander was trying not to fidget -- he hadn't
counted on making *himself* anxious, when he'd wrapped the envelope. 

Giles opened the envelope, pulled out the card...and froze.

Xander bit his lip, waited as Giles read the card. And read the card
again. And apparently was getting stuck on one of the two-syllable words
or something, because he was still staring at it.

When his gaze finally left the card and looked up, Xander could see his
eyes were overly bright. "This is..."

"Seemed appropriate, our first Christmas and all." The card was one of
those brightly coloured kids' drawing type things, meant to be purchased by
the doting mother for the doting father. 'Merry Christmas, new Dad' on the
front and a picture of a sleeping infant under a tree. A bit hokey, Xander
knew, but it said everything he wanted it to.

Giles opened and closed his mouth a few times, obviously searching for
words. "Thank you," he finally managed.

"You haven't even opened it yet," he teased.

That got him a surprised look and then Giles was opening the card,
catching the piece of paper that fell out as he did. Glancing at the
certificate, he laughed. "According to Buffy, I already have enough tweed."

"I think they sell non-tweed stuff." Xander looked thoughtful. "Maybe."

"Thank you," Giles repeated, this time with a smile, the words much less
strangled.

"Hey, what's a baby's first Christmas without lots of sappy mushy stuff?" 
Xander had to turn his face, though, to avoid Giles' eyes. He didn't
remember Christmas being this sentimental.

Well, of course, it hadn't been before now.

"Indeed." When he looked back Giles was wearing one of those smiles,
affectionate, proud, happy.

************

Part Fourteen

Feeling bashful -- not a completely new experience, but close -- Xander
returned his attention to his own present. He looked back up, however,
when he heard Giles beginning to open his next present. The card might have
been the most emotional, but this was the one he'd spent the most on.

He knew it was something Giles needed, even if the other man would have
protested otherwise, if asked. Naturally Xander hadn't asked. He had,
however, saved a hefty portion of his allowance for a good many weeks. 

The briefcase was revealed and Giles looked up quickly. "Xander, this is
too-"

"It isn't." Xander gave him a half-glare. "Your old one has a hole in
it, for god's sake. This one is tough enough for even a stake to not poke
through." 

Giles' mouth twitched upward into a smile at that. "An important
consideration in Sunnydale."

"Yeah." Xander nodded. "I thought so." He grinned. "The monogram is so
you don't get it mixed up with all the other British librarian Watcher's
cases."

Giles chuckled. "It is a wonderful gift, Xander. Thank you."

"Open the next one." He felt like he had a good gift karma thing going
here, and wanted to see what Giles thought of the last gift. It had been
an impulse buy, and he hoped it would have its intended effect.

"I'm almost afraid to," Giles teased, even as he reached for the last gift.

"I can promise you it isn't...um...." He thought carefully. He finally
settled on, "Undead."

That earned him a long Look.

He grinned halfheartedly. Shifted a bit before moving surreptiously away
from Giles and the package. Giles shook his head and muttered under his
breath as he turned his attention back to opening the gift.

"You're paranoid," Xander said. Turned his attention back to his own
third-to-last-but-still-not-counting present.

"When you feel the need to qualify a gift as 'not undead' it does bring
out my paranoid side, yes."

"I could have said it isn't still moving. Would that have been better?"

His guardian considered. "Not considerably, no."

"It isn't still alive?" Which, Xander reflected, was true. All three
statements were true and Giles was now looking at him like he was *never*
going to open his last package.

"If I were you, I'd stop before I dug myself in any deeper."

"You could just open it and find out if I'm lying or not."

"I am trying, but I keep getting interrupted." As he spoke, he was undoing
the paper.

"How are you getting interrupted?" Xander asked, innocently. He thought
about asking, 'Did you hear something?' as Giles removed the paper, but
figured it would be over-the-top and no longer funny. On the other hand,
if Giles turned the box the wrong way, it *was* going to make noise.

Finally the paper was finally off and Giles was staring at it in
confusion. "It's..."

"A bottle of wine," Xander pointed out helpfully. Joyce had bought it for
him, even argued with him over the vintage.

"And this..." He held up the contraption, eyeing it and Xander.

"The holder." Xander smiled his best 'aren't I a good kid' smile.

"It looks more like you're trying to hang the bottle."

"Well, that's to keep it...secure." It didn't seem that Giles had exactly
realized the nature of the bottle's holder, yet. He stifled the widest
bits of his grin.

"So what you're telling me is this is a chastity belt for the wine?"

"It opens!" he protested. "If, you know, you can figure it out."

"The bottle holder is a puzzle."

"Yeah!" He paused, and took in the still-dubious expression on Giles'
face. He wondered if it was the puzzle, or the wine. 

Giles was looking closer at it now, the dubiousness giving way to
concentration as he examined the puzzle closer. Xander bit his lip to keep
from distracting him from getting well and thoroughly hooked. He'd spent
an hour with it himself before resorting to the directions. 

Joyce had spent half an hour before asking for them. Giles, it appeared,
was settling in for the duration.

"Should I go make breakfast?"

"Hmm?" His guardian's tone was distracted. "If you like." 

Xander giggled, and began unwrapping his present. "Cold pizza and coke?"

"Fine, if that's what you want." He was turning the puzzle sideways now.

"Can I use the coke in the Thermagurgical experiment?" Giles had
forbidden him to do that experiment anywhere except the school's lab, with
himself supervising -- and only with properly heated liquids. When Xander
had suggested kool-aid, Giles had asked him if he wanted to spend the rest
of the day cleaning pink smoke off the walls.

Giles' head shot up. "Nice try, but no."

"Man! You are way too good at that," Xander groused. "You'd think you'd
been a parent before."

"No, you're my first experience."

"Bummer. You should have asked to start off easy."

"Easy wouldn't have been as rewarding," Giles countered, smiling faintly.
"At least you were toilet trained."

Xander stared at the half-unwrapped package in his hands, the ribbon
curling around his wrist from when he'd pulled it free of the tape.

"Xander?"

"I kinda wish...you know. I had been here, instead of--"

Giles' expression softened. "So do I."

"Even if I'd been wearing tweed the whole time." He frowned. "Do they
*make* tweed diapers?"

"I don't think so."

He raised his eyebrow, eyeing Giles. Then he burst out laughing.

"And what is so funny?"

"You...in glasses and tweed...." Xander was beginning to regret laughing,
but he couldn't stop. He held onto his sides as tight as he could, and
fell back against the couch, still laughing.

Giles waited patiently.

"...age two, holding a stuffed bear...." Xander was seriously beginning
to hurt. But Giles' calm expression wasn't helping banish the image any.

"I assure you my nappies were of the normal cloth kind," Giles replied
with much dignity.

"Nappies?" Xander choked out, trying desperately to cut off his laughter.

"It's a perfectly good English word."

Xander could barely remain upright. Gasping for air, he managed, "Please,
no... tell me you don't have pictures."

"Not on this continent."

Xander's eyes opened wider. "But I could go visit...." Well, assuming
that Giles' parents wanted to be grandparents *that* up close and personal.
Maybe he could just write them a thank you letter, and ask for photos.

Giles smiled faintly. "I'm not sure if I should if you're going to go
looking for incriminating photos, but we'll see what we can do next summer."

"I can ask for the incriminating photos through the mail," he offered
cheerfully. "That way we don't have to try to get me a passport."

"Oh, that won't be a problem." 

Xander just raised an eyebrow. 

"I have a copy of your birth certificate in among your papers." He cocked
his head and regarded Xander. "You could probably get British citizenship
as well if you wanted to."

"You got my papers?" For some reason that had never even occurred to him.
He realized it was absurd to think Giles didn't have them...but he'd never
really thought of it. Then -- "British citizenship?"

"Since I adopted you-"

Grinning, Xander asked the first thing that popped into his head. "Can I
learn how to talk funny, too?" Then he was sitting upright, ignoring the
flash of pain in his side. "A--"

"Adopted." Giles looked at him in dawning realization. "You hadn't
realized-?"

"I thought--you know, legal guardian...." He babbled as quickly as he
could, then shot off the couch and ran for the bathroom. 

When his stomach stopped heaving and his ribs went from screaming in pain
to merely aching loudly, he found Giles kneeling beside him, one hand
rubbing his back soothingly. He leaned sideways, resting against Giles. 
Horribly unexpected, and now he really needed his painkillers. 

Shifting him gently, Giles stretched up to the sink, getting Xander a
glass of water and the bottle of pills that were on the counter. "Here."

"I'm sorry." He knew as soon as his head stopped throbbing he'd have to
explain. If he could only think of why the news had shocked him so badly.

Other than casting an awful new light on his real feelings. He'd spent a
year trying to talk himself out of them, pointing out there was simply no
chance, so it was rather a shock to find out he'd never quite believed
himself. Until now, when Giles was removed forever from possibility....

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I should have never assumed-"

"No, no, not..." Xander tried to take a breath, shaking his head. He
grabbed onto Giles' arm, half-afraid he'd let go. "Not that." Frantically
trying to figure this out so he could explain, make Giles stop thinking
that being part of his family was an awful thing. "I just never
thought...." He closed his eyes and pressed his face against Giles'
biceps. 

He felt a gentle hand stroke his hair. "You never thought what?" Giles'
voice was equally gentle.

Nothing in Xander's brain was making much sense, but he tried to find
something he could say that would make Giles understand. He knew what he
could say, something that was sort of true somewhere deep inside. Giles
would understand and wouldn't ask any further, and leave Xander free to
wonder why hearing the words had made his heart stop. 

As he thought out the words, he realized they might even be the true ones.
"It's permanent, isn't it?"

"Yes. As long as you want it to be."

"I do," he whispered, hearing the echo in his mind. 'Forever'. 

But then he heard someone else's voice, and he suddenly realized why he
was so scared. Something his mother had said once, when he was small,
about why his grandmother had allowed him to stay at her house for a whole
summer one year.

'Your grandmother is a wonderful woman. She'd let any stray dog in. 
Domesticated or not.'

He tried to remind himself of all the things Giles had said and done, but
all he could hear was his mother saying, 'He's nice to everyone, isn't he?'

He must've stiffened or something because Giles was slipping a hand under
Xander's chin, tilting his head up to meet his gaze. "What is it?"

"Tell me you're not just being nice to me," he whispered.

Giles' eyes widened in surprise and when he spoke, his voice had the steel
of determination in it. "Xander, I don't adopt people because I'm being
nice."

"Mom used to say--that nice people were nice to me because they were nice.
I used to ask if I could go live with my grandmother because she was nice
to me and mom said it was her and not me and if you're not just being nice
then there's nothing wrong with me and if there's nothing wrong with me why
don't they like me?!" He realized he was shouting, and pulled himself in. 
He shook his head, trying to make sense of everything in his head and
failing.

"Some people are just incapable of caring for anyone other than
themselves, if that. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less, but..."

Xander barely heard the words. He knew them, they made perfect sense on
the outside. He tightened his grip on Giles, and felt the responding
tightening of Giles' embrace around him. Maybe, despite whatever either of
them said, that could be enough truth for him. "I'm sorry," he said
again. "I don't mean to be still doing this."

"You've nothing to apologize for."

"But after all this time and I still don't believe you--" 

"Your parents told you how worthless you were for fifteen years. You've
been with me less than a year and look how far you've come. I'd say you
were doing more than well."

Xander took another deep breath, deeply as he could manage at least. He
found himself willing to believe Giles in this. He wasn't crazy, wasn't
stupid. Everything just hurt.

"Is it ever gonna stop hurting?" he asked quietly, a minute later.

Giles tightened his embrace again, running his hand up Xander's back to
cup his head. "It will. Someday, this will all be in the past."

Giles had never lied to him. He nodded his head, taking comfort from the
words. 

For a while they simply sat there. The painkillers had kicked in, putting
a thick haze between Xander and the throbbing in his ribs. It made it
easier to relax against Giles, easier to stop trying to listen to the
voices in his memories. He tried to recapture the feelings from this
morning: happy, content, and laughing. He couldn't manage it, but as he
sat there the panic and pain faded more.

He found himself half-grinning as a thought occurred, and he whispered,
"Worth a thousand diapers."

Giles chuckled softly. "Worth far more than that."

"Worth getting off the bathroom floor?" he asked. What he wanted was a
nap -- rather, to lie on Giles' bed in Giles' embrace, but he was willing
to concede that returning to Christmas morning, presents and breakfast and
normalcy would do fine.

"I think we can manage that." Giles got up, lifting Xander with him.
"Please don't take this the wrong way, but you look worn out. Would you
like to nap for a while before breakfast?"

Xander smiled, a slow, sleepy smile. It widened when he realized, "And
when I wake up, I still have presents." There were still two, sitting on
the floor where he'd left them.

Giles smiled at him and guided him out of the bathroom. Xander did his
best to keep one foot in front of the other, walking almost like he didn't
need to be held upright. He headed down the hall, not even realizing where
he'd gone until Giles was helping him over to the bed.

Giles' bed.

"Oh. I can--"

"Lie down and go to sleep," Giles finished for him with a faint smile. 

"Yeah." He nodded. Already his eyes were closing. His last awareness
was of Giles lying down beside him and pulling him close.

*********

Part Fifteen

Xander rubbed his eyes and yawned as he stumbled out of Giles' room. He'd
slept nearly two hours and was now so beyond ready for breakfast. Stomach
growling, he headed for the kitchen. The smells he encountered told him
he'd been anticipated. Giles looked up from his cooking and smiled at him
when he entered. "Just in time. I was about to call you."

"Oh. Food." Xander moved forward, feeling more zombie-like than human. 
"Food. Food, food," he repeated, enjoying the faintly worried way Giles
stepped out of his way.

Giles had dished out large amounts of food on two plates and handed one to
Xander on the way by, making a show of checking his fingers when Xander
grabbed it.

"Not without ketchup," Xander assured him as he grabbed a fork and began
eating where he stood.

With a chuckle, Giles guided him towards the table. Xander managed four
more bites before he had to stop long enough to sit down without dropping
the plate. 

"M's go," he said.

"Translation?" Giles asked amusedly, one eyebrow raised.

Xander swallowed. "I thought you spoke fourteen languages. Doesn't that
include 'mouth's full'?"

"Only in tarkaain demon."

Xander paused. Briefly. "Tarkaain demons talk with their mouths full?"

"Almost constantly. And you really don't want to know what their mouths
are full with."

"Oh." Xander blinked. Then he grinned. "Oh!" He jumped up and grabbed
his notebook from his demonology 201 course, flipping through to find his
current lesson. Finding the question which had stumped him, he chortled.

"You realize you're studying during breakfast? On Christmas morning?"

"No, no, not studying. I just finally have the rest of the answer to this
question, and now all the rest of it finally makes sense. Wanted to write
it down before I--" He looked up from where he was scribbling a rather
detailed note. "Um. But it means I can mail this lesson in now, and take
the final exam."

"Already?" Giles sounded honestly surprised. And pleased.

"Well, there were only fourteen lessons." Xander pushed the notebooks
aside and returned to his breakfast. He'd been enrolled in the class for
five weeks - how long was it supposed to have taken?

"The average time to finish that kind of course is usually about ten
weeks."

Xander stopped eating again. Blinked at him. "It is?" 

Giles nodded. "And it often takes even longer."

Xander wondered if Giles was pulling his leg. He looked down at the pile
of homework, then back at Giles. "It wasn't that hard, though."

"You really have no idea what you've done, have you?"

"Um, my homework too fast?" Xander cleaned his plate and hopped up for
more, returning to find Giles still just sitting there, looking at him.

"You've completed an intermediate level course in one of the hardest
disciplines I know of in half the required time."

"Hardest disciplines?" Xander stopped eating, in shock. "You didn't tell
me it was a hardest discipline!"

"Didn't I?" Giles looked innocent.

Xander glared. He knew that innocent expression. "Next you'll be telling
me the class I enrolled in next is hard, too."

He got a faint smile in response. "Given what you've done so far, I have
doubt you will find it so."

Giving Giles a grumpy look, he went back to his breakfast. For a moment,
until he could no longer contain himself. "Professor Calgrn let me enroll
in Dem Chem 204." He'd tested out of demonology 100, as Giles well knew. 
But Xander had taken the exam for demonic chemistry 101 through the mail,
without telling Giles he was doing so.

It was Giles who was wearing the shocked expression now. "Enrollment in
that course is invitation only."

Xander didn't try to stifle the happy grin. "I was invited. Professor
Calgrn said my test scores were high enough, and I sent in a prospectus for
a sophomore study thing -- where I suggest an experiment and tell 'em
what's supposed to happen? I forgot what it's called...."

"Research proposal," Giles supplied absently, still looking shocked around
the edges.

"Yeah. He said I should make sure someone supervised me, you know, to
clean up the pink smoke." Xander turned back towards his plate. Waited.

"Pink smoke?"

"I asked if I could use kool-aid."

Giles blinked. Then started laughing. Xander grinned. He was looking
forward to when Giles found out he really *had*. 

The phone rang before Giles could say anything. Xander finished his
second plate and was wondering if there was enough for thirds, when he
heard Giles' delighted, "Mum!" 

He looked up, trying not to look like he was eavesdropping shamelessly.

"No, it's not too early," Giles was saying. "We were just finishing
breakfast."

Xander laughed silently. It was nearly noon.

"Yes, he's right here." Giles smiled at him. "If you want-- you do? I'll
get him on the portable then."

Xander looked at him in surprise. This sounded like it was about to be--

Giles put his hand over the mouthpiece and nodded in the direction of the
other phone. "She wants to speak to you."

"Who?" It was a dumb question, Xander knew that as it slipped off his
tongue. 

"My mother."

He went over to the second phone, completely without a clue what he was
going to say. He picked up the receiver, relieved that at least Giles
wasn't hanging up to leave him to talk to her, alone.

"-get the gifts all right?" A woman's voice with Giles' accent was saying
as he put the phone to his ear.

Xander didn't say anything, watching Giles for a cue. Her voice sounded
nice, though.

"They arrived just fine, Mum. The sweater fits perfectly."

"I know you probably don't need it in California, but it is a family
tradition after all." Her voice was full of good humor. "And how did Xander
like the books?"

Xander caught the look Giles sent him, and stammered, "Just fine. Um, hi.
I'm Xander." 

"Xander!" Giles' mother sounded genuinely pleased to hear him. "Rupert's
told us so much about you. I'm Maggie, by the way."

"Pleased to, um, meet you. Sorta." He half-smiled at Giles, who was
watching him with an encouragingly expression.

"Yes, voice to voice, if not face to face."

"Dad says we might visit," was out of his mouth before he could stop it. 

There was a pause and when Maggie spoke again, the pleasure in her voice
matching Giles' expression. "Did he now. Well, you would be more than
welcome."

Xander grinned, and said quickly, "And I'm not supposed to ask about any
incriminating photos of him when he was a baby." 

Maggie laughed delightedly at the same time that Giles warned, "Xander."

"Hush, Rupert," his mother told him. "If I can't show those pictures to my
grandson, who can I show them to?"

Xander gave Giles a unrepentant smile. Then he told her, "He's blushing. 
What sort of photos do you *have*?" He looked away gleefully when Giles
tried glaring at him.

"You'll just have to come over and see."

"Yeah." He found himself looking forward to it, for more than just the
photos.

"It'll give us a chance to get to know each other better. I want to hear
all about your life."

"Oh." He hesitated, glanced down at his cast. He had no idea what Giles
had told them about his life. Maybe he should just focus on current stuff.
"Hey, do you know anything about demonology? Is dem chem really one of the
hardest disciplines?"

Maybe Giles really *was* pulling his leg.

"Oh my, yes. Rupert sat his exams twice before he passed."

"*Twice*?" He looked at Giles.

"Thank you, mother," Giles said, with a 'you can stop embarrassing me
anytime' expression.

"Dad didn't tell me about that part. He just said it was hard." 

"I take it you're doing well?"

"Well, I tested out of the first year classes." It felt weird -- cool
weird, but weird -- to be saying that sort of thing. 

"Really? How wonderful!"

"I'll be taking the second year course, next." Xander sat down in a
chair, catching Giles' gaze -- he was still looking at him like *that*, all
smiling and happy. He wondered which part was making him do it. It might
be the proud of him thing, but he had a suspicion....

They talked for another half hour, Maggie an enthusiastic listener for all
that Xander told her. He found himself reluctantly realizing that they
needed to end the call -- but even as they were saying their goodbyes,
Giles was telling her they'd call next week.

Giles was smiling at him when they hung up. "You had to mention the
photos, didn't you?"

"Was I supposed to not mention them?" he gave Giles back the
all-too-innocent look Giles had given him earlier.

With a sigh, Giles waved the innocence off. "You made her day asking.
She's been waiting to have someone to show those to."

"So I'll have to look at them, if only for her sake."

"And I'm sure that's the only reason you have."

Xander nodded earnestly. "Hey, I'd offer to show you mine, but the
Rosenburgs aren't home." He grinned. 

"What makes you think I haven't seen them?"

Xander froze. "She didn't." He narrowed his eyes at him. "You're
joking."

In response, Giles left the kitchen and headed for his bedroom. A moment
later he was back with his wallet which he handed over. Xander took it. 
Opened it. 

"And you carry them around with you?" He didn't know if he was more
touched that Willow had thought to give these to Giles -- knowing that
Xander's own folks never took pictures and that those her mother had taken
would be the only ones of Xander -- or touched that Giles had been carrying
them around with him in his wallet.

Giles gave a small half shrug. "It's tradition."

He flipped through, seeing a picture of himself and Willow, age four,
playing in the yard. Another of himself, about age 6, standing in the
Rosenburg's kitchen. A third-- "She gave you *this* one?"

"That's my favourite."

"It's *embarrassing*!" 

It was him, barely six months old. Mrs. Rosenburg had babysat him for a
couple years, right after he'd been born -- hence his knowing Willow from
the day *she* came home from the hospital. In the picture, he was looking
at the camera -- cross-eyed -- and his tongue was sticking out. None of
which was intentional, he knew. It was just one of those baby 'can't
control my head' things.

"It's adorable," Giles countered. "Now if you were naked before a
fireplace, *that* would be embarrassing."

Xander tried to think if Willow's mom had anything like that. Then he
looked at Giles sharply. "And why do we say that, hm? Something I can
look forward to seeing?"

Giles mumbled something noncommittal and took his wallet back.

Xander laughed. "And how old were you?" Xander found himself struck by
an image of Giles, now, naked in front of a fireplace. He tried
frantically to replace it with something else.

All he could do was Spike, naked, by a Coleman lamp. Well, it would do.

"Three months," Giles finally answered with a sigh.

"Aww. I bet you were cute." The image of naked Spike was beginning to
interfere with his ability to think.

"I would have preferred even tweed nappies."

"But it's traditional to have naked baby pictures. I bet Willow didn't
show you the ones of her, naked on the rug." She would kill him if she
knew he'd even said such a thing. But as far as he could recall, none such
of *him* existed at all.

Thank god.

"No, she didn't. Understandably."

"I bet I could find some." He glanced at the wallet Giles was still
holding. "I owe her." He didn't mean it, of course. But he *did* owe her
something.

Like chocolate.

"That won't be necessary," Giles said, sounding amused. He took the
wallet back and added, thoughtfully, "Though perhaps we should take some
current photos of you."

"Naked?!?"

Giles stared, opened his mouth to answer, closed it again with a shake of
his head, and stared some more. Finally he answered, "Fully clothed. To
send to my mother."

Xander grinned. He wanted to laugh at the expression on Giles' face; he
didn't often see him get *that* off-balance. Instead he decided to test an
earlier hypothesis. "OK, dad, for that you can take photos. But nothing
embarrassing, or I'll tell Buffy about the fireplace and rug."

"Nothing embarrassing," Giles agreed absently, that look Xander had been
expecting back on his face.

Score, Xander thought. He kept his grin to himself as he looked forward
to making that expression appear again.

*****

Part Sixteen

Boxing Day. A day for boxes, Xander told himself as he sat down in front
of his own good box. A day full of nothing to do except not exert himself
-- which meant Tomb Raider. First, though, his email and newsgroups, which
could conceivably take all morning, as well.

Didn't matter. Giles was busy at the moment with Watcher things -- or
librarian things, or Giles things. He wasn't really sure. Didn't care. 
He had the whole day to himself to do nothing at all constructive.

As the machine booted up, he considered that 'nothing constructive'. He
ought, he supposed, do *something*. One thing, so when Giles asked him
later to help with the dishes, he could protest that he'd done a chore
already. But what could he do from his desk chair?

Aha.

He waited impatiently through the start-up screen, then logged onto the
net. The mailtruck voice greeted him, and he set the mail to download
while he accessed one of the URLs Willow had bookmarked for him: the
Coroner's Office. He could check for any bitten corpses from the day
before for Buffy. One chore, as ordered.

He flipped through his CDs as the browser began loading, selecting a nice,
loud, unintelligible-lyrics one. He set it to play then turned his
attention back to the screen. There had only been two deaths in the last
twenty four hours -- some kind of record, for Sunnydale. The first he
quickly determined was probably not suspicious -- a 98-year-old woman dead
from a heart attack. The second....

Xander didn't know which part made him stare harder. The two rather
obvious holes on the neck -- or the fact that the victim was his father.

He was still for a long moment, waiting to wake up. It had to be a dream.
For it to be reality was just too...ironic? Poetic? Surreal? Of all the
people in Sunnydale to be a random vampire victim....

Or was it random? Before the thought was even completed, Xander was up and
moving. He grabbed his coat, not realizing what exactly he'd picked up
until he moved to put it on. That thought stopped him long enough to grab
one more thing. Then he headed out, moving silently to the front door and
outside.

The entire time he was walking to his destination, he tried not to think,
not to imagine what might have happened. He didn't even know what he was
going to say, or do, or what he felt about what might or might not have
happened. All he knew was that he had to-- He didn't even want to think
that far. 

His ribs were starting to ache from exertion by the time he reached the
warehouse and he used that physical pain as a focus, blocking out the
images his mind was insisting on providing. It almost worked.

Until he entered the mostly abandoned warehouse and found Spike. The
vampire looked at him, startled. As Xander walked over, he could see
Spike's expression wavering between delight and doubt. But all he said was,
"Looks good on you."

"Was it you?"

Spike looked even more startled. "Of course it was me. I signed the
card, didn't I?" He reached out to tug at the duster's lapel. "You think
Angel would buy you something like--"

Xander grabbed his hand before he could touch him. "Did you kill my
father?"

Spike blinked. His face smoothed over and he just stared at Xander. 

"Did you?!" He knew he was yelling, but couldn't stop.

In a surprisingly calm, almost gentle tone, Spike said, "Don't ask unless
you really want to know, Xan."

"Tell me!" Xander winced as his voice cracked.

For a moment he thought Spike wouldn't say anything. Then, slowly, Spike
nodded. He reached up to touch Xander's face. "Yeah. God, look at you,
Xander. The doctors said he might have killed you if he hadn't been
stopped."

"How do you know- You didn't kill my doctors, too, did you?"

"Of course not!" Spike looked offended. "I went and asked!"

"And they just told you?" He was having trouble wrapping his brain around

the fact that Spike cared enough to seek out the information.

"Um, well, yeah, after I told 'em I was...you know. Your boyfriend," he
muttered quickly. "You'd already been released so it wasn't like I was
trying to push my way past the Duty Nurse." He said it like Xander would
have expected him to say "Demon Guard".

"So you talked to my doctors and then you went and...killed my father."

With a shrug, Spike said, "He was there, just leaving. I didn't actually
plan to do it. I saw him and I'd just heard how you-- well. He didn't
even say he was sorry." Spike kept glancing away, meeting his eyes for a
moment before looking away once more.

"He never did." Xander felt... He wasn't sure what it was he felt. What it
was he should be feeling.

"I'm sorry."

Startled, Xander looked up and met Spike's eyes. Suddenly he knew there
was one thing he didn't feel, and that was anger at Spike. "Don't be."

"Uh...what?"

"Don't be sorry. I-I'm not mad. At you, at least."

Still surprised, Spike slowly began to grin. Not a full-blown Spike-grin,
but something more hesitant. "Somebody else you're mad at? I'll bite 'em
for you." His tone, however, showed none of the same hesitancy.

"You already did."

"Good for me, then." He leaned forward, slightly. Not enough to show any
pressure, just there. In case Xander wanted it.

Xander suddenly remembered the package he had grabbed just before he had
ran out of his bedroom. "Here," he said, shoving it out towards Spike.

"What's this?" Spike took it, reflexively. Then his face lit up and he
pulled the Christmas wrapping away. "Oh, god! Their first album!" Spike
stepped forward and grabbed Xander by the neck, kissed him soundly.

"I take it as a given that you like it," Xander said with a half-grin when
the kiss was over, trying to ignore the way his body was reacting to it.

"Like it? Pet, I love it. Makes me forget all about stealing Angel's
credit cards." He titled his head. "Oh, nope, I'd already forgotten about
that." He ran his hands down Xander's arms, rubbing the sleeves. "You do
like it, right?"

"Yeah. It makes me look...."

"Sexy." Spike leaned in again.

Xander felt his cheeks heating at that. "I was thinking more along the
lines of dangerous."

Spike just pressed his face nearer Xander's face, moving down to his neck.
"Yeah...that's what's so sexy."

"Good thing I'm not holding a wooden stake, you'd start drooling."

Spike's gaze flicked up. He placed one hand on Xander's chest, fingers
splayed over his heart. "Yeah?" Xander didn't know if he should be more
worried about the way Spike's eyes dilated -- or about the way his own
arousal soared at the vampire's reaction.

He took a step back. His mind skirting away from dealing with that, it
came up with another question that he voiced before he could talk himself
out of it. "The other night...was that my father's blood I tasted on you?"

Spike looked at him. There was a moment when Xander knew he was going to
say 'yes'. 

He wondered why he thought that changed things.

But Spike didn't answer. He raised his hand to rub his thumb across
Xander's lower lip. "Can you stay awhile?"

"I..." Xander suddenly remembered he has snuck out without telling Giles
he was going, much less where. The man was going to be frantic. "I've got
to go. Giles doesn't know I'm out."

"So? You on a leash?" Spike grinned as soon as he heard what he'd said.

"I don't want to worry him." He said it more sharply than he had planned.

Spike let his hand fall. "Fine. Go, then."

Xander took a step towards the door, then stopped and looked back. "Maybe
I can stop by next week sometime?" he offered, knowing his ribs would be
feeling better by then.

The shadow in Spike's eyes vanished as he smiled. "Yeah. Call ahead if
you want, or not. Drop by during the day; I'll be here." He moved in for
a quick kiss.

Xander obliged, even raised his casted arm unthinkingly to wrap around
Spike's neck, stopping before he could bonk the vampire in the head with it.

"Hey, careful!" Spike stopped and took hold of the cast. He stared at it
silently for a moment, then raised an eyebrow at Xander. "They're you,
pet. Very nice. Oo, can I sign it?" He started looking around for a pen
before waiting for an answer.

"Um.." Xander thought frantically of a way to say no, finally coming up
with, "you can draw a picture."

Spike gave him a look. "I do know how to sign my name." He came up with
a pen. "But yeah, I get it. I can draw something? Anything?" 

"G-rated," he clarified quickly.

Spike pouted. "Never let me have any fun." But he considered the cast,
pen poised -- expression of concentration making Xander want to laugh. 
Spike held Xander's arm steady with one hand, then began doing something
with the pen.

Xander craned his head, trying to see what he was drawing, but the angle
was wrong. Spike moved his hand slightly to even better shield what he was
doing. 

It was beginning to make Xander nervous.

Finally, though, Spike looked up. "Voila."

He'd drew fangs on one of the teddy bear stickers and a stick figure
behind it. "A vampire bear?" Xander said with a laugh.

"I admit it doesn't look like me. But the other resembles you nicely, I
think?"

"It's a stick figure."

"Well, yeah, but it has your heart." He pointed to what looked like a
little black dot. "And your eyes." 

"Two more black dots."

"It isn't my fault I can't draw. If you'd let me just sign--"

"No!"

Spike pouted again. "I'd have written 'Will' or something. Or possibly
not." He grinned, then it faded quickly. "You'd best go now, though." 

"Yeah." He started backing up. "See you next week?"

He nodded. "See you next week."

Xander smiled slightly, then turned and left.

*******

Part Seventeen

He walked homeward, more slowly than he had on his way to see Spike. He
was anxious to get home, but his side was aching. The first pay phone he
found, he stopped and called home. No answer. Knowing what that meant,
Xander headed on, trying to move faster. Then, down the street, he saw a
familiar car turn the corner and head for him. He stopped walking, knowing
he'd be easily spotted. 

Sure enough, the car came to a rather uncharacteristically-screeching halt
at the curb. Giles got out, the driverside door left open in his haste to
get to Xander. He stopped about a foot away, looking Xander up and down
intently. "Are you all right?"

"I guess so." Xander felt suddenly very...unemotional. He'd been
fighting feeling anything until he'd talked to Spike; now the need to fight
seemed to have gone. It worried him a little.

Giles still looked worried too. "I saw the autopsy report."

"Yeah." Xander slipped his right into his jacket pocket. "He's dead." 
He waited, but nothing changed when he heard himself say it.

Giles nodded slowly. "Yes, he is."

Something occurred to him, and he heard himself saying thoughtfully, "I
don't think he'll be coming up later." Spike wouldn't have fed him, turned
him. Unless he'd wanted to torment the man by killing him twice. He'd
forgotten to ask. He should call Spike and ask.

Only Giles was looking at him, oddly, now. "We'll make sure, just in
case." 

Xander frowned. He wasn't sure he liked the idea of making Buffy stake
his father. Of course, he wasn't entirely sure she'd mind the job. He
suddenly realized that he had no idea what to do next. Giles didn't seem
upset with him for taking off.

"Are you ready to go home?" The question was asked in the same calm,
careful tone that Giles had been using all along.

He nodded. "I left my painkillers at home. I think I need 'em." He
rubbed absently at his side, well above the point of the bruising. "Oh." 
His father was dead. Dead as in actually not-just-wishing-he-was-dead.

Giles reached out slowly sliding a supporting arm around him. "Come on."

"Is it a bad thing if I'm not sorry?"

"No."

All at once, Xander found himself relaxing. "Good. Do I have to fake
it?" He smiled a bit. Wondered if it would be in poor taste to laugh --
but of all the things that were starting to swirl in his head, none of them
were grief. He was still a bit off balance, but he thought that might be
due to Spike. Wanting to go back to him, now.

"Not with me." Giles was leading him back to the car and pulling open the
passenger door.

He caught the hard tone in Giles' voice and grinned at him. "Why, Rupert
Giles, I am shocked! You're happy he's dead, too," he said the last in a
stage-whisper.

Giles didn't deny it, just helped Xander into the car. Xander let him,
but wondered why, now that Giles knew he wasn't upset, he was still acting
like Xander was about to break.

The ride back to the house was quiet, with Giles shooting concerned looks
at Xander every few minutes. Finally, Xander figured he'd better give
Giles the excuse to spit it out. "Dad, are you OK?" It slipped out that
time, but it wasn't like he minded saying it.

Giles glanced at him in surprise. "Am I-" He stopped, blinked and
continued in a warmer, less careful tone, "I'm fine, Xander."

"OK. It's just that you're acting like I'm about to implode or something
and don't wanna get startled by it in the middle of an intersection." Not
that traffic in Sunnydale was anything to worry about, unless it was just
after Happy Hour.

Or midnight, when the professional drunks and demons were out. He watched
as Giles' lips twitched upward a little. 

"You don't have to worry about it, though," Xander continued. "My coat
should keep the mess off the seat."

"It would still be rather difficult to explain to the authorities."

"In Sunnydale?"

"Well, a little difficult."

"Sorry, officer, he just imploded. That's why I ran into the telephone
pole. Won't happen again, I assure you." His British accent still needed
work, but it was coming along.

"I don't sound like that," Giles protested.

Xander sighed. "I know. I'm still practicing."

They pulled into the parking lot of their building and into their spot.
Giles shut off the engine and turned to Xander. "I would prefer if you just
didn't implode."

Xander half-smiled. "OK. No imploding." He got out of the car and
followed Giles up -- repeating quietly to himself, "I don't sound like
that." He was getting one of the vowels wrong.

He was faintly surprised to see the door was unlocked; Giles was
compulsive about that sort of thing. He looked at Giles again. He must
have run out as soon as he'd discovered what had happened. 

He suddenly realized why; he went over to where Giles was putting away his
jacket and keys, studiously pretending to ignore him. It wasn't
surprising, now that he'd thought of it. He might have guessed when Giles
had found him so quickly -- Spike's warehouse was only a few blocks from
where Giles had found Xander catatonic, hiding under the crates. 

Xander was right there when Giles turned back around, less than a foot
away. "I mean it, no imploding," he said, despite knowing that wasn't the
problem.

Giles searched his face, then nodded seriously.

Softer, "I'm sorry I took off."

"It's all right," Giles replied, just as softly. "I know it must've
been..."

Xander reached out, getting as far as touching Giles' arm. Then those
arms were closing around him, holding him gently. He smiled to himself,
knowing the embrace was as much if not more for Giles' benefit. He wrapped
his arms around Giles and held him.

He heard and felt Giles' soft sigh. "I'm glad you're safe."

Xander made a note never to run off without word, again. Of course, Giles
might have already opted for a subcutaneous GPS tracker....

Hmm, better not mention that. No point giving him ideas.

"When I saw the report and found you gone, I thought..." Giles sighed
again and shook his head. "Actually I wasn't thinking much at all. Just
feeling."

"Missing Xander, huh?" He was beginning to feel badly, now. He hadn't
realized just how much he'd shaken Giles up when he'd disappeared that
night. Halfheartedly, he said, "I told you I'd call if I were dead."

The arms around him tightened at that.

It wasn't a particularly funny joke. "Actually, I did call, but you'd
already gone, I guess," he said a moment later.

"I left as soon as I realized you'd...gone out," Giles explained. "But
thank you for trying."

"Maybe we should get cellphones, for next time. Um, if there's a next
time. I'm not planning a next time, mind." Xander heard himself babbling
and tried to shut up. "But you know us teenagers. Always a next--" 

He tried harder.

"It's all right, Xander. I know these were extraordinary circumstances."

"Yeah," he tried again for levity. "Not like it can hap--" He suddenly
tightened his grip.

Giles gently stroked his back reassuringly. "It's all right," he repeated,
in low soothing tones.

It couldn't happen again. It wouldn't. Xander didn't try to move away,
staying where he was until they were interrupted by a knock at the door. 
Reluctantly Giles let him go and turned to answer it.

He heard Giles say, "Buffy" in a not altogether surprised tone. Buffy
came inside and gave them both a worried look.

"Willow called from her grandparents' place," she said quietly.

"So you know."

"She told me." She looked over at Xander, with one knowing glance towards
her Watcher. "How are you doing?"

Xander shrugged. "Won't miss him."

Giles laid a hand on his shoulder. "We're managing."

Buffy looked from Xander to Giles, obviously not entirely sure what to
believe. Xander knew he should let her know he didn't mind that she might
need to stake him. He didn't have a chance, however, before the phone rang.

Standing closest to it, Xander walked over and picked it up. "Giles
residence."

There was silence for a moment, then, "Xander?"

He glanced over at Giles and Buffy. "Hey." They were talking quietly,
not apparently paying him any mind. He knew, though, if he said 'Hi, mom'
he'd have both their attention.

"You've got to come home, Xander."

"What?" He turned away from Giles and Buffy, staring at the wall as if
his mother could thereby see the incredulous expression on his face. "What
for?"

"Your-your father is...dead."

"Yeah?" It didn't feel any different hearing it, either.

"He was..." She broke off with a sob. "Attacked. Mugged. Put him in the
hospital. And then when he got out, whoever it was came back and finished
the job!" Her voice trailed off as she began crying noisily.

Xander rolled his eyes. He didn't try to tell her anything about what had
actually happened -- like 'he was attacking me, first'. He just waited
patiently for her to stop crying.

And waited. Finally, she managed between sobs and hiccups to ask, "When
are you coming home, Xander?"

"I'm not," he replied matter-of-factly.

"I'm sure given the circumstances that Giles person will let you leave.
Even he can't be so heartless as to keep you from your family at a time
like this."

"Excuse me? Why would I *want* to leave?" He was trying to keep his
voice down, not wanting to bother Giles and Buffy with this. With her. 

There was a long pause and he could almost hear her disbelief. "Xander,
your father is *dead*."

"Yeah? I know. What does that have to do with me leaving?" He found he
couldn't come right out and say 'I don't want to live with *you*.' Even
though it was true.

"He's your *father*. You have to come." Her voice had turned into the
whine that had always set Xander's teeth on edge. He heard what she wasn't
saying. 'Come back and take care of me.' She would suck the life out of him
more surely than a vampire.

If he were gonna get sucked by a vampire, he had a better offer. He
stifled his sudden smile, knowing she would hear it in his voice and rail
at him even more. "No, actually, I don't. I'm not going to." He managed
to sound a little bored, hoping she would get pissed and slam the phone
down. If he hung up on her she'd just call back -- or show up on the front
step.

"You *have* to."

"Why?" He knew he was needling her. He didn't mind.

"Because I'm telling you to!" Her voice was becoming sharper.

"Yeah, and when was the last time I did what you told me to?" he retorted.

Her temper snapping was almost audible. He heard her take a deep breath
and then she was screaming at him. Horrible vicious words. Belittling
him, telling him how worthless he was. How she wished he'd never been born.

At first he just listened, astounded that anyone could say such things. 
He realized he was hearing the same phrases he'd heard all his life. He
told himself they weren't true anymore. After all, there had been times
when he'd wished he'd never been born, too.

But she kept yelling. He turned and held the phone out to Giles.

Giles took one look at his face and accepted the phone without
questioning. He listened for a moment, his expression darkening with every
second. Xander stepped back, coming up against the wall. He could still
hear her as her voice raised further. He sat, crouched against the wall,
and put his hands over his ears.

He suddenly heard Giles' voice overriding his mother's, angry and
authoritative, and he tuned back in in time to hear, "And if you ever try
to contact Xander again, I will not only have you arrested, but will do
whatever is in my power to make your life a living hell. Believe me, I
mean that literally. Do we understand each other, Mrs. Harris? Good. Then
we won't be hearing from you again."

One small part of his brain noticed that Giles' accent sounded different
when he was that pissed off. The rest of his brain was whispering, 'I
don't want to go back' and wondering when he would. Someone *did* have to
take care of her, after all.

Giles hung the phone up, took a deep breath, then turned to Xander.

If he was everything she said he was, it was probably all he was good for.
Then again, why would she *want* him, if he was all that? If he-- someone
touched his arm. He looked up and Giles mutely held open his arms.

******

The End