Out Of My Hands
by Hallucination
//Cut my life into pieces//
Spike turned uncomfortably in Xander's bed, trying
unsuccessfully to fall back to sleep. He twisted with
a frustrated growl, trying to catch a glance at
Xander's clock sitting on the bedside table. 9:38 A.M.
"Bloody hell," he mumbled into his pillow." I don't
care what time it is there is no way in hell I am EVER
gettin' outta bed again." Unfortunately Spike's body
seemed to disagree. He was more awake than ever. Just
think of calm, soothing things, Spike told himself.
*FLASH* Him and Dru sucking a man dry on a park
bench.
"Nice", Spike murmured softly, his eyelids beginning
to droop once more.
*FLASH* Spike punching Angel squarely on his face.
Spike chuckled to himself. He was tired again, so
tired......
*FLASH* The Initiative planting a chip into his head.
Spike's eyes shot open with a sharp intake of breath.
He lurched out of bed and collapsed on the floor in a
useless heap.
//Nothing's alright, nothing's fine//
Xander sat up in alarm, having been awoken by a loud
thump. He looked at the empty space next to him, and
immediately panicked. Oh God Spike's escaped again!
Giles is going to have a heart attack and he's gonna
rip mine out as a replacement!! SPIKE!! Oh Jesus he's
out there alone by himself who knows what's happened
to him....Xander jumped out of bed, intent on finding
Spike and getting him back safely.
And then he saw him.
"Spike?" Xander breathed. " What the hell do you think
you're doing?" He used all of his strength to hide the
relief that flooded through him, and forced himself to
look annoyed.
//I'm running and I'm crying, feeding on chaos and
living in sin//
" You get the hell away from me whelp!" Spike snarled.
He crawled over to the wall and propped himself
against it clumsily." Get the hell away from me. Get
the hell away from me. " He repeated to himself, not
sure who he was talking to anymore.
*FLASH* Locked in a white cell.
"No." Spike murmured.
*FLASH* Being force-fed poisoned blood.
"STOP IT!!!!" Spike kicked out in rage, his features
immediately shifting to full game face.
By this time, Xander was completely terrified. Spike
was nearly hyperventilating, his breaths coming and
going in short uneven gasps. What's happening to you?
Xander screamed in his head.
//I've reached my last resort. Suffocation, no
breathing//
" Spike...Spike come on.... Please tell me what's wrong."
All pretense of disinterest was gone now.
" I don't have to bloody tell you anything!" Spike
lashed out. Xander winced. " What the hell do you care
anyway? Wanna tell the rest of the Scooby gang about
Spike's insecurities, have a good laugh? Ain't. Gonna.
Happen. MATE. You just stay outta my soddin' unlife.
That's how it's always been, that's how it's always
gonna be and I intend to keep it that way!"
//Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine//
Xander felt his heart drop at Spike's taunting, and
hurt clouded his dark brown eyes before he dropped his
gaze to the floor. Spike momentarily regretted his
harsh words.
But just for a second.
Spike immediately got ready for another round of
shouting, and was just about to speak when Xander held
up his hand.
" Stop."
Spike closed his mouth in shock. How had the boy known
he was about to speak?
Xander lifted his head. " I'll leave." He said
hoarsely.
Spike closed his eyes. " Yes," he replied, his voice
trembling slightly. " You go."
Xander nodded slowly and proceeded to walk up the
stairs leading to the living room, all the way keeping
his head down so Spike wouldn't see his tears.
The door closed. And then Spike heard the front door
slam. Xander had gone out of the house. Probably gone
to inform the Scooby Gang that the Big Bad has finally
gone round the bend, he thought bitterly. Bloody
wanker. I hope he never comes back.
//I can't go on living this way//
His eyes roamed around the room, searching for....he
didn't know what....something....anything....to
stop....and Spike's eyes fell on a letter opener on
Xander's table. Spike jumped up, teetering dangerously
as he did so, and stumbled drunkenly to the Xander's
desk. He snatched the knife from the table and gripped
it in his cool hand. The metal handle, though supposed
to be freezing in the air conditioner, burned Spike's
hand like holy water. And still he didn't let go.
// Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating
suicide //
He sat down on the bed. He could do this. He WANTED to
do this. He wanted to die, he wanted to forget, and he
wanted oblivion. And right now he felt just crazed
enough to make that happen. Spike's brain swirled
mindlessly as he positioned the knife right above his
unbeating heart. He wasn't even aware of his actions,
he watched the whole thing happening as if from
outside himself. The blade drew closer, closer, closer
still.....his eyes rolled crazily around the room, as if
trying to memorize everything that he saw for the last
time. And then he caught sight of something that made
him halt his actions.
A picture of Xander.
Spike slowly lowered the knife, and reached for the
photo sitting right across from him. Xander looked so
happy. His eyes were sparkling like diamonds and his
lips were curved up in a boyish smile. A true smile.
Happiness makes a person look so radiant, Spike
thought sadly. And I made him cry. I made him lose his
smile, and replaced his happiness with hurt and
confusion. I don't know why I always scream at him,
when it's me that deserves to get screamed at. I made
him cry. He thought I couldn't see......
//No love for myself no love for another//
A sob was wrenched from Spike's body. He felt utterly,
completely alone. And the feeling scared him more than
The Initiative ever could. What was it Angelus had
told Buffy when he was about to kill her? " No family.
No friends. Take that all away and what do you have
left?"
Nothing.
Spike put his head in his hands.
Nothing.
End Part 2
