Only While You Sleep
by Hallucination
//Someone help us understand who ordered this
disgusting arrangement //
He searches for meaning. Everyday trying without
success to find a shred of truth in what has happened
to him. Endless nights spent awake pondering his
current state of affairs, angsting over the why and
wherefore. Even now he lies with Xander in his bed,
his face contorted with frustration as he mumbles
something unintelligible to himself, and he quickly
fixates his vision on the ceiling. Xander can't help
but notice that staring at the ceiling seems to have
become a rapidly addicting action for him, and he
laughs mirthlessly at the thought. There is nothing to
look at. It is painted a dull, dreary grey, and is as
blank as Spike's efforts to find the answers he
craves. But for some strange reason it seems to calm
his nerves, and for some strange reason seeing him
being soothed in turn soothes Xander.
And so he watches him.
Spike unclenched his fists and the bed sank a little
as he relaxed his tense body. Sleep began to take over
his senses and he tried to stay awake, fluttering his
eyelids. There was so much to think about ...... but the
exhaustion was overpowering. Finally he closed his
eyes with a sigh, and then he was motionless.
//There's a weight in your eyes that I can't admit//
He looks so different when he sleeps, Xander
marvelled. The automatic perpetual glare on his face
disappeared, along with the worry lines of anger and
stress that these few weeks had brought him. His
closed eyes hid the pain and torture Xander loathed to
see every time he was forced to look into them. His
lips, no longer turned sideways in a spiteful smirk,
seemed to be almost curving into a smile. And for now,
he was serene, enjoying the peace of slumber.
//But we can't let go because this will not go away//
Xander's rested his head against the pillow, not
taking his eyes off the blonde vampire.
I could stare at Spike for a century and God knows he
wouldn't notice a thing, he decided. When it comes to
me, even his preternatural vampire senses don't do him
any good. I am less than nothing to him.
//I can't see that thief that lives inside of your
head//
He probably isn't even aware of my presence, he
thought bitterly. What does it matter that we share
the same bed? We may be in close proximity with one
another but emotionally there is an ocean between us.
And it's your own fault Spike. I try and I TRY to
reach out to you, but you always turn away from me.
Why are you so convinced that I won't understand? You
never even tried to confide in me Spike. Not once.
//But I can be some courage at the side of your bed//
Xander inhaled a shuddering breath. You say it would
be a waste of time. But you don't have to be alone in
this, not if you don't want to be. I'm here, though
I'm seemingly invisible to you. But even though you
will not see me I am the only one who would care for
you. It's a waste of MY time. You don't need me. You
never did.
Tears threatened to invade Xander's vision as he
talked silently to his sleeping companion. His eyes
closed in resignatory defeat and he was just about to
fall into a deep sleep when suddenly the vampire
jerked violently in his sleep. Xander was instantly
alert and he bent over Spike in concern. The
nightmares were becoming more and more frequent.
" Spike?" He whispered. "Spike wake up."
The peroxide blonde only tossed fitfully in response.
" Spike?" Xander called urgently." Spike please snap
out of it."
//I don't know what's happening and I won't pretend//
Spike was in full game face, and his arms flailed
helplessly in defence." Bloody hell stop!! Stop!! Help
me!" He began to sob." Can't-can't ...... help myself."
Xander reacted on instinct, putting his hand on
Spike's forehead in a comforting manner. That alone
seemed to do the trick, and Xander continued to smooth
back his hair as Spike's features relaxed once more. A
tear trickled down Xander's cheek. Spike's future was
so uncertain.
//But I can be your......be your......//
When Spike awoke Xander's demeanor towards him would
change again, from one of concern to that of
deep-seated annoyance. It was necessary if they wanted
to continue living together without Spike ripping his
guts out. Spike wasn't looking to make friends. They
could never be friends. Only at night did Xander allow
his true feelings to show, and he made sure that all
traces were completely erased by morning.
And Spike would never know.
End
