If Only
by Hallucination
Spike died today.
The Initiative finally got the best of him. We were
all there, fighting dearly for his life. Buffy even
went so far as to knock Riley out cold. That shocked
us. But the soldier boys had sonic blaster guns and we
only had one slayer and a few wooden stakes. It was
only a matter of time before we conceded defeat. They
slowly outnumbered us and we finally buckled in the
face of their advanced weaponry. Buffy got shot in the
arm protecting Spike, leaving him at their mercy.
He was dust in an instant.
~*There's nothing left to lose*~
I remember Buffy closing her eyes as the wind blew his
ashes into her face, a single tear rolling down her
cheek. And then they snapped open, the venomous
determination in them making Riley gasp out loud,
making us cheer silently. Ignoring the fact that her
arm was dangling lifelessly at her side, she suddenly
sprung up and went on a killing rampage, brutally
slaughtering every member of the Initiative except
Riley. Buffy hissed that she thought it better to let
him live, so that he would never sleep peacefully
again without being haunted by images of this day, so
that he could feel the damage he had done. I could
hear the seething hatred in her voice, and beneath it,
a heartbreaking sadness that would never heal. Her
voice broke as she lost her resolve to remain strong.
~*There's no place left to hide*~
She finally collapsed onto the floor, tears running
down her face, and whispered that Spike had been her
friend. I held her to close to me as she cried, my own
face expressionless as I watched Riley crawl away in
pain mingled with disgust.
~*There's no more heart to bruise*~
Expressionless.
I made myself watch the entire thing as if it were a
blockbuster on TV, as if it wasn't quite reality and
if I didn't like the blood and gore I could always
change the channel to something else and everything
would be alright again. It was the only way I could
stand everything without going crazy with grief. I
didn't want anyone to see how much Spike's death
affected me. I was supposed to hate him, I wasn't
supposed to care. So I made my face a blank and forced
my mind to become vacant and unfeeling. And now I'm in
my room, all alone by myself.
Every time something went wrong, Spike would be the
first person I'd blame whether it was his fault or not
simply because...anyway I remember the time when this
group of demons called "The Gentlemen" stole our
voices, making us unable to speak. I lurched out of
bed in horror and immediately pointed to Spike,
screaming silently that he did this to me. It was a
stupid accusation, and Spike merely gestured for me to
fuck off.
I don't even know why I did always that. I guess it
was the only way we could communicate at first.
Through insults, mind games and sarcastic humor. The
first night he stayed at my house I tied him to a
chair, and he asked why I bothered since he'd never
bite me anyway. I snapped that I happened to be moist
and delicious, to which he had rolled his eyes and
replied "Yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat." I glared
at him and told him not to forget it.
Now I look back and wish that I had enjoyed the moment
more instead of keeping myself on guard because we
could've had much more fun. I wish I'd talked to him
more instead of yelling at him all the time. Wish I'd
tried to get to know him instead of distancing myself.
But it's too late for second chances.
~*All the words to what's unspoken
I put together everything that's broken
Just to see you*~
And now he's gone for good. He was a part of my life.
I don't understand how someone can just completely
disappear like that. How he can just walk into my life
and then walk right out of it like nothing happened.
It's like I met him for no reason. We can't even bury
him. He's dust in the wind. I never even got the
chance to say goodbye. How could he just leave like
that?
~*A king's horse for what's been broken
I'll bring back even what's unspoken
Just to see you *~
I'm hugging his duster, inhaling it's scent. That's
all we have left of him. All I have left anyway. They
don't know I took it. It smells like Spike. Like
mentholated cigarettes, whiskey and my Calvin Klein
cologne that he always denied to be wearing.
It smells like you're right here with me, but when I
turn around there's no one there and my eyes hurt.
What's wrong with my eyes? They're all wet and I can't
see properly. Everything's all blurry and melting in
together.....
~*Turn my castles blue
Turn my bones to sand
Just to see you~*
Tomorrow I'll wake up and still be free to walk the
streets of Sunnydale, but you never will again. You
won't be there to insult me when I come home from work
and you won't be calling me to come watch Passions
with you and you'll never threaten me ever again and
it's tearing me up inside and I can't stop crying
because it hurts so bad.....
I wish you'd known how much I loved you, Spike.
I would tell you,if only you were here.
~*Put together everything that's broken, just to see
you~*
End
