The Dangers of South California (AKA A Very Stupid Thing To Do)
By Danii

“Spike…”

GRUMBLE

“Spike…”

“Mmmmm…”

“SPIKE!”

“Mmmmhat?”

THWACK

“Bloody hell, pet!”

“Oh don’t even try to tell me you didn’t enjoy that…”

“I-“

“Spike…”

“Fine, I did…but what do you want?”

“Hmmm…what do I want…that’s one hell of a loaded
question in this position, blondie…”

“Pet…”

“Well actually…I was wondering what the TV cameras,
not to mention the guys using the TV cameras, are
doing here…”

“Well…I wouldn’t know, pet.”

“This isn’t some wacky stunt of yours, is it?”

“No.”

“Then what the hell is going-“

“Cue Steve…”

“What?”

CREEP CREEP CREEP

“Today, we’ll be showing you the mating habits of your
average common vampire…”

“Now who the hell is HE!?”

“As you can see, the vampire is nesting with its mate
in this well-constructed sleeping space.”

“I should hope it’s well-constructed…I made it!”

“Nesting…what do I look like? A bleedin’ hen?”

“Now, this, folks, is a bit of an abnormality-“

“I’m surprised this bloke knows the word…”

“As you can see, the vampire has actually mated out of
its species.”

“Damn right, you wannabe Paul Hogan!”

“You see, you can tell a vampire by its very pale
skin, as shown by this prime example.”

“Is that camera focusing on my arse?”

“Yup. America just got lucky.”

“Xander!”

“Now, folks, I’m gonna try to approach the vampire-“

“Not if you feel like breathin’ tomorrow, mate…”

“And hopefully, in his post-mating stupor, he won’t
attack…”

“I wouldn’t if I were you, friend…”

GROWL

“Oh, look at that! Could you zoom in on that!? Look
at those penetrating fangs, used to puncture of skin
of the vampire’s meals-“

“One of which you are to become-“

“Glorious…glorious…”

“You’re a bloody looney tune, mate! I’m gonna-“

“Uh-oh, the vampire seems to be getting a bit upset by
my presence.”

“I’d say so…”

“Don’t wanna provoke these creatures, folks. They’re
hostile.”

“Yup.”

“But these are beautiful creatures-“

“Oh I didn’t know you swung that way, Steve…“

“Simply beautiful. You can tell no only by the skin,
but by the facial ridges. Here, I’ll-“

CHOMP

“Crikey! It bit my arm!”

SLURP SLURP

“Huh?”

“Mmmmrr mmrm mmrmr…”

“Spike, you’re chip isn’t going off! How is that
possible?”

“Uh-oh folks…I think I’d better get this little sucker
off of me-“

“He’s not human!”

“He’s-“

“Before I pass oooooooooooooo-“

“Hey, Mr. I!? Are you okay? Mr. I? Mr-“

GROWL

“Oh my god! You killed the Crocodile Hunter! You
bastard!”

“Oh please…”

“Okay, you’re closer to the savior of mankind at this
point, but I couldn’t resist the urge to quote…”

“Actually, that wasn’t what I was complaining about,
but thank you…”

“Oh.”

“Um guys?”

“What?”

“We gotta finish the show somehow. I mean, Steve may
be dead, but…we have space to fill, and it’s us who’ll
lose our jobs if the episode isn’t finished.”

“Well, what about that, pet?”

“What about that?”

“Hmmm…”

“Oh boy…that’s the devious smile.”

“You know you love it, Xan-pet…”

“I do.”

“Hey, fellas?”

“Yeah mister…er…vampire-sir?”

“I got an idea.”

“Yes?”

“How’d you like an exclusive view at the actual mating
of a vampire for the show?”

“Spike!”

The End