Uneasy
by Acid Raine
Part One
Part Two
Part One
Xander woke up with his head on Spike's chest and wrapped in the vampire's
cool embrace. Had he nodded off *again*? Work, slaying and home life must be
taking more of a toll on him then he thought. He looked fondly up at Spike's
face. It was good to have something that felt 'worth it' again.
He slowly slid his body up and over Spike's until he was face-to-face with
the vampire. He was *so* beautiful. The pale unearthly angles of his face
were almost a work of art. He continued to stare and slowly ran a finger
down a soft, cool, cheek. Spike seemed to be sleeping, it unnerved Xander a
bit that he couldn't tell. The lack of breathing was definitely going to
take some getting used to.
He smiled, leaned over and gently kissed Spike's still lips until they
began to move and match his slow, lazy rhythm. They searched each other's
mouths, savouring each fleeting touch of their tongues. The vampire gave a
deep contented sigh and pushed Xander's face away so that he could look into
his eyes. They smiled at each other.
"Now pet," Spike said, "you have to admit, that is a *much* nicer way to
wake up then to sodding Savage Garden blasting in your ear."
Xander laughed. "I'm going to put that song on repeat and leaving it
playing all day if you don't stop that."
"Oh, so you want your stereo pitched across the room too do you?" Spike
asked, giving him an evil smile.
"You would really do that too wouldn't you?"
"I swear, if there's any way I can avoid *ever* hearing that song again,
I'll do it!"
"Well I'll miss my stereo," Xander said with a pout. Spike moved up to
nibble on that tempting bottom lip, but Xander jumped off the bed too
quickly. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have to sing!" he exclaimed. To Spike's
horror and amusement, Xander grabbed a hairbrush and began the most off-key
rendition of 'Chained to You' that anyone would ever hear.
"We were standing all alone you were leaning in to speak to me, acting like
a mover shaker dancing to Madonna then you kissed me and I think about it
all the tiiiiiiiime."
Spike covered his head with a pillow and curled himself up into the fetal
position. Xander came over and ripped the pillow away from him. "Hey, it's
this or the real thing."
"I'll fix the bloody radio," Spike said in a very small pained voice.
Xander laughed. "That's not good anyway," he said.
"You're bloody right it's not good," Spike grumbled, "you sound like a
stuck pig."
"Heeey," Xander whined. "You need to be encouraging here! I meant the
lyrics, I've gotta change them......I know!"
Xander jumped onto the bed in front of Spike and started singing again,
even louder and worse then before.
"WE WERE CUDDLING ALL ALONE YOU WERE LEANING IN TO SPEAK TO ME, ACTING LIKE
AN EVIL VAMPIRE READING WOMEN'S WEEKLY THEN YOU KISSED ME, AND I THINK ABOUT
IT ALL THE TIME, SWEET TEMPTATION RUSH ALL OVER ME, AND I THINK ABOUT IT ALL
THE TIIIIME, PASSION DESIRE SO INTENSE, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE BECAUSE...."
Xander dramatically jumped off the bed, "I FEEL THE MAGIC ALL AROUND YOU,
IT'S BRINGING ME TO MY KNEES-" dramatically fell to his knees, "LIKE A
WANNABE, I'VE GOTTA BE CHAINED TO YOU," and dramatically pointed at Spike
who was now almost is tears from laughing so hard.
"Thanks for that pet," Spike struggled to say through his laugher. "It
was....lovely."
Xander was enjoying the sight of Spike rolling around red-faced that he
almost went for his camera but decided against it for the sake of the
camera. Spike was already doing a number on his other offending appliances.
"See," he teased. "I bet you just love the real version now."
Spike's chuckles were finally subsiding. "I wouldn't go that far," he said.
Xander gave a huge sigh. "Fine, I guess I'm the only one who understands
the genius that is Savage Garden."
Spike started laughing again. "You really are a sodding fairy aren't you?"
he chocked out.
Xander's mouth dropped in the manner of a skinny girl who has just been
called a wide- load. "I can't *believe* you just said that!" he said, though
there was still laughter in his voice.
"Well somebody had to," Spike said with an amused shrug.
"Hey pal, what about you?" Xander accused, "You're not exactly Mr.
Heterosexual- manly-man now are you?"
"Please pet," Spike scoffed, "there is not a self-respecting vampire in
this world who only swings one way!"
Xander shifted-uncomfortably. "Even....like Angel?"
Spike laughed. "Shit I've shagged the pouff more times then I could ever
count." He broke off when he actually looked at Xander's face. "That's
probably.......not.....what I should have said there.....right?"
Xander had to laugh at Spike's attempt at tact. "Naaa but you'll work on it
right?"
Spike gave a slightly embarrassed snort.
"Anyway," Xander said, "I feel kinda grody so I guess I'll hit the
showers." He turned towards the bathroom.
"Want some company?" Xander froze in his tracks. He turned to face Spike.
The vampire's voice was husky and there was no mistaking the look in those
lust-filled eyes. Xander started to tremble slightly and blood rushed to his
groin. He wanted to. His throat went dry. God he wanted to. He swallowed
painfully, for some inexplicable reason, he couldn't. He just couldn't!
"N-no thanks," he stammered with a slight smile trying to hide his
desperate need. He practically spun around, ready to bolt for the bathroom.
"What do you mean *no*?" the ice in Spike's voice made the boy freeze. When
he looked back he almost couldn't believe the glare the vampire was giving
him.
"Woah! I'm just....I'm not ready yet," he stammered backing away, suddenly
almost afraid. The pain Spike's unexpected reaction cause him was plain on
his face.
"You're not ready?!" Spike exploded. "What kind of an excuse is that?? You
shag the demon bitch senseless every fucking day! It's not like it's your
first time! How can you not be *ready*?!"
"Yeah, remember Anya?" Xander yelled, back on the defensive. "I haven't
even broken up with her yet!" His voice softened and he cast his eyes
toward the floor and said quietly, "Besides, it is my first time....with a
guy."
Spike's gaze softened. A little.
"I'll be gentle. You should know that. I've been nothing but gentle with
you Xander."
The boy looked up and glared at Spike, taking his last words as bitterness.
"Sorry I've been so trying! Fuck Spike, maybe you can mess with Harmony's
head like that but it won't work on me!"
He entered the bathroom without looking back and slammed the door. It was
only then that he put his face in his hands and crumpled to the floor.
"Anymore," he muttered to himself. "It won't work on me anymore."
*******
Part Two
Xander held back the tears that were threatening to spill onto his face.
Messing with my head....
Those four words kept repeating themselves in his mind over and over,
taunting him. He rubbed his eyes angrily. Why did he have to let it go this
far? He had known from the beginning that Spike was messing with him! The
vampire had just took up residence in his basement to avoid the initiative.
That was fucking obvious! Why did he have to believe that Spike cared?
He stood up shakily and turned on the water. He wouldn't give Spike the
satisfaction of seeing him walk out of the bathroom red-eyed and having not
even showered. He was trembling. No one else would have taken the time to
comfort him like Spike had, so he had let his guard down.
Xander stepped into the shower, trying to let the water sooth his mental
pain, if that was even possible. It was too late to recover. Spike had won.
It was okay when they were teasing each other but he had admitted to having
feelings for the vampire. If anyone found out about this...God Spike was
going to enjoy torturing him with this. Thank God he hadn't slept with him!
If he had....well, this was no more fucked up then any of his other
relationships.
Xander stepped out of the shower and pulled on his clothes. He then sighed
and pulled open the door, fully prepared to face a smug, smirking vampire.
What he got was a royally pissed-off looking Spike, sitting on the bed with
his arms crossed glaring at the bathroom door.
"What? No jacking off today?" the vampire said, his voice heavy with
sarcasm. "I don't turn you on anymore? 'S that it?"
Xander ignored him. He marched past Spike, turning his back to him to hide
the blush that crept to his face. So Spike *had* known about yesterday
morning. Why hadn't he said anything then? Xander leaned his face against
the wall, not wishing to over-analyze everything that had already happened.
Without turning around he said, "Get out Spike."
"*What*?!" The vampire's shocked response surprised Xander a bit but he
remained firm. "Get. Out. Spike."
"Oh okay, I ask my boyfriend or whatever the Hell you are for a shag and I
get kicked out? That's how it works now?!"
Xander turned and with obvious effort not to burst into tears spat out:
"Look, you've had your fun, you've made an idiot out of me, you've messed
with my head, you've won. What more do you want?!" Xander was shouting by
the time he finished. "Get out! Just GET OUT!"
"What the bloody Hell gave you that idea?" Spike's voice was still almost a
growl but it was softer.
Xander looked him in the eye for the first time. "What idea?"
"Everything you just said. 'Bout messing with your head and the like."
Xander cast his eyes downward, not sure of exactly what to say. When it
became clear that he wasn't going to answer Spike continued. "Because I
asked you to shower with me? Xander, shouldn't that show you that I *want*
you?" Xander continued to stare at the floor. "I, I just don't understand."
Spike shrugged, irritated with himself for this show of weakness. for some
reason, he knew that the only way to prove to Xander how he felt was to show
him his vulnerability. Why couldn't the git just trust him, so he wouldn't
have to. Now it was Spike's turn to glare angrily at the floor.
"Why'd you freak out then?" Xander asked suddenly. "If you really wanted me
you could wait. Maybe it's just a human thing but sex is big for me."
Spike looked up at him and raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Your history
doesn't exactly show that."
Xander gulped. True. He glanced at Spike trying to gage what he was
thinking. Xander took a deep breath. He was going to do it, he was going to
tell him. He was probably going to get shot down and hurt and laughed at but
at least he wouldn't be unsure.
"It's just that," he started uncomfortably. Spike looked up at him. "I
mean, that's all it's been." He laughed softly. "I don't really have much of
a history. Cordy and I, well there was nothing there really, just lots of
making out. Faith, that's who I lost it to. That was a one-nighter. Kinda
destroyed my self-confidence."
"The rogue slayer?" Spike interrupted. "The criminally insane one?"
"Yeah," Xander said. "That would be her. A bit of bad judgement okay?
Anyway, and Anya, she came to me looking to get over me. We slept together
and.....well.....that's about all we've done since really." He shrugged.
"She doesn't care about me, and I don't care about her. I'm getting sick of
it......no one caring about me..." he trailed off. He glanced up at Spike
again. The vampire looked so confused that it was almost cute. If it had
been under different circumstances, Xander would have laughed. "It's not
that I don't want to," Xander said in a pleading voice, praying for the
vampire to understand at least a bit. "Cause God do I want to! I
just.......don't trust you."
Spike cocked his head to the side. "So you...don't want to have sex with me
because you don't trust me to be more to you than sex and you think that by
having sex it will somehow show that I don't care about you?" The vampire
furrowed his brow in confusion. "That didn't even make sense when *I* said
it!"
Xander flushed and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I didn't say it made
sense," he mumbled. "I guess I just want a relationship that's not based on
sex."
Spike snorted. "What do you want to base it on then?"
"I dunno, empathy, compassion, caring, trust....love. Something," Xander
said with a touch of irritation in his voice. Spike cocked an eyebrow.
"Love?"
Xander shrugged miserably. Spike walked slowly over to the boy. He gently
put his hands on his shoulders. Xander flinched at his touch but didn't pull
away.
"I've only known one love pet," Spike started. "And that was...." he
deliberately ran his finger down the blue vein in Xander's neck. "Eternal."
Xander shuddered almost violently. "And I'm not asking for that." Spike
moved his hands to rest on the small of the boy's back and pressed his mouth
against his neck. Xander tensed, almost expecting the bite, but it didn't
come. "But I need......something." He moved a hand under Xander's shirt and
ran a finger slowly up his spine. "To prove that you're here to stay."
Xander broke himself away from the lull Spike's seductive voice had put him
into. He stepped back violently. "No, no, NO!" He kept backing up until he
ran into the bed and fell backwards onto it. "In human terms that's a long
time Spike! A really long time! I can't commit my life to you, I'm not
Drusilla. There's no eternal love clause in this contract!" The boy was
breathless and shaking. Spike moved to the bed with sudden determination and
wrapped his arms around the boy who made no move to pull away.
"Do you want me Xander?"
The boy looked up and his almost fearfully. "Yes."
"Good. I'm getting bloody tired of people not wanting me." There was
something odd in Spike's voice as he said it. Xander just looked at him in
confusion. "They all leave me," Spike buried his head in the boy's neck and
his voice became so muffled that Xander had to strain to hear him. "Everyone
leaves me. Angelus, Dru, *Harmony*!" He spat out the last name. "If *she*
won't stick around I can hardly expect m' Goddess or m' sire or you to can
I?"
"Did you fuck her?" Xander was surprised at how calm and flat his voice
sounded despite the emotions suddenly flowing through him at Spike's
confession of weakness.
"Who?"
"Harmony."
"Course!" Spike exploded.
"And that proved to you she'd stay with you how?"
The vampire was silent for a long time. Finally he said, "You really are an
odd one you know that?"
Xander smiled faintly. "Yep."
"So...when can we shag?"
Xander had to laugh at that. One good thing about Spike was there was never
a whole lot of question about what was going on inside his head. He
shrugged. "When I trust you," he looked up into the blue eyes. "When I can
think about our relationship and be happy, not uneasy. When I can kiss you
without wondering if you're going to pull away and laugh at me and tell me
this whole thing was a big joke to you."
The vampire's eyes became soft. "How can I prove that to you?"
"I don't know," Xander said, snuggling up against Spike. "I think it just
sorta happens."
"Well it had better happen soon!" Xander laughed softly but wasn't really
amused. Spike pulled him around to face him again. "Because I want you to
trust me. I want this to be real." Xander's eyes widened slightly. The
vampire pulled him forward and kissed him. "By both our definitions," he
finished with a smirk. Xander laughed a real laugh then, at least Spike
wasn't going completely out of character.
"God I thought my relationships of the past were weird!" he exclaimed.
"Cordelia!" Spike teased.
"Harmony!"
"True. We have terrible taste!"
Xander smiled at him. "This is so fucked Spike," he sighed, "but maybe it
can work. If we try to understand each other. Do you understand at all? Even
a little bit?"
"Not a bleedin' bit, but I'll have a go at it," he chuckled. "Haven't been
with a human in so long. I've forgotten how complicated you lot make
things."
"I know," Xander sighed and he snuggled in even closer against Spike.
Spike held on to him, resting his chin against the boy's head. As long as
the whelp really wanted him then he supposed he could wait. The confusion
and hurt was still fresh in his mind but he tried to push it away and look
at the situation from Xander's point of view. Being a vampire who pretty
much operated on the want-take-have system, that didn't help very much. He
ran him fingers through the boy's hair and sighed. He had gotten himself
into this mess and there was no getting out of it now. And it wasn't that he
didn't want the whelp, cause God he did.
"As long as you want me," he whispered, trying to fill his voice with
dominance rather than the true insecurity that he felt. Xander didn't miss
it.
"I do," it might have been the most sincere thing he'd ever said but he
knew it wasn't enough. He lifted his head and gave Spike a bruising kiss
that he hoped conveyed exactly how much he did want him. When the kiss ended
even Spike seemed slightly breathless. Xander resumed him former position
and clung to the vampire for all he was worth. Spike held him tightly and
stroked his back, trying to calm him and convey a feeling of contentment. He
tangled his fingers in the boy's hair and stared blankly across the room,
deep in thought. The truth was, he was never been so uneasy about someone in
his life. This was going to be complicated.
*********
End
