Into My Mind
by Acid Raine
I couldn't believe it. I could not fucking believe it. That bastard.
I went storming out of Giles' place almost as soon as I heard the news.
Anya followed me, concerned as ever.
"Xander it's not his fault!" she yelled. "You don't know what it's like to
lose your powers. He just wanted them back, he didn't do it to hurt Riley!"
But I just kept on walking. After a while she gave up and stopped following
me. Figured I could have a little temper tantrum on my own and then call her
when I got over it. What did she care what I did to him anyway?
Hypocrite. I'm a fucking hypocrite. I'm dating a vengeance demon who hasn't
gotten much less blood thirsty in her human career and yet I somehow think
it's unspeakable for a vampire to want his bite back. He wasn't in the wrong
really. He had a score to settle with the Initiative anyway and Riley had
been a part of what happened to him so of course he wouldn't exactly cringe
at the idea of commando-boy's suffering....
Kept on walking. Shook those thoughts off.
Bastard.
He mooches off us. Comes to us for protection. Comes to us for blood, for a
roof to sleep under. Well comes to *me* for that! Expects us to leave him
alone in his dusty old crypt until of course he needs us. Acts imposed upon
whenever we ask him for some information. And then he steals the only doctor
who can keep Riley alive out from under our noses. As if we wouldn't have
asked the guy to cure Spike right after! God knows Buffy wants the chip out
of his head so she can have an excuse to dust him! And the second he thinks
it's out, goes in for the kill and then when he realizes he's been duped
everything's supposed to go back to normal? No, I don't think so! It ends
now.
"He would have killed Buffy!" I had yelled at Anya earlier that evening
when she had still been trying to calm me down. She'd grown quiet and
glanced around quickly.
"Maybe she wanted him to, Xander," she whispered.
"What?!"
"Think about it, she said Spike was thrown off her when he tried to bite
her right?"
I nodded impatiently, not seeing the point of this and eager to get out of
Giles' house.
"Well," she continued, "my question is, how did he get on her? She's
supposed to be super-woman but somehow Spike manages to pin her without even
throwing a punch? Otherwise he would have set the chip off earlier. Either
she's losing it, or she wanted it."
"Anya, don't fabricate things, that's ridiculous!" I shook that idea out of
my mind immediately and headed for the door.
I tried not to think of that on my way to the crypt. Buffy wanting Spike?
No way. That would never happen. Maybe Riley was right that she didn't love
him, maybe she still loves Angel but she definitely doesn't love Spike!
I finally reached the crypt, threw every single offending thought that Anya
had placed in my head away and flung the door open. He looked up,
unsurprised.
"Oh it's you. Shoulda known, it's been about six hours."
God, it was that smirk. That stupid smirk that just screams "you're
worthless" every time it crosses his face. Which is every few minutes. I'm
not worthless Spike, and boy are you about to find that out.
"This ends now." I pulled the stake out and started advancing on him.
"What?"
Aha! A reaction. He's nervous, oh he's nervous! He can tell I'm not
kidding, he can see the determination in my eyes. Finally, Xander Harris
gets the evil vampire's full attention.
"You know what?" Suddenly his voice was disgusted and the sarcastic look
was back. "Just do it."
"What?" Now it's my turn to be confused.
"Just bloody do it!" He yelled. I was frozen, inches away from him. I was
finally here to do what I'd been longing to do all night, all year really
and now he was offering it to me. Standing there, ready to accept his fate
and I couldn't even move.
"I can't stand living anymore," he said in the deadliest voice I have ever
heard. "Just end it for me. I see you and your little scooby friends every
sodding day. You're like insects just biting at me, refusing to do your
supposed bloody duty! Now do it Harris! Take me out of a world with *you* in
it!" He ripped his shirt off and threw it on the ground and then just stood
there. Taking deep breaths that he didn't need. Waiting. Daring me.
And I was still frozen. Staring at him. How pale he was. How thin but yet
so powerful. Ribs visible with each unneeded breath that he took. He stared
at me with more intensity then anything I'd ever seen, glaring right into me
like he could see my every thought. Like he could rip me apart with his eyes
almost as easily as with his body. And God....speaking of that....I was
still staring.
And then he pounced. He was like a cat, I had no warning, no time to react.
For a split-second I thought my life was going to end right there, chip or
no chip I was done for. But then my face was in his hands and his mouth was
in mine, tasting me, devouring me, biting me until it hurt. Never so intense
with anyone else. God.....what am I doing?!
I threw him off. Backed up, my mouth hanging open and eyes wide as moons.
He had kissed me. Two more steps back. Still staring, uncomprehending. He
looked different now. The intensity hadn't faded but he was unsure.
Confused. And then suddenly it all made sense. What I'd hungered for, it
hadn't been his death. It had been something more intense, more passionate,
even more personal than death.
I couldn't explain it. Couldn't tell my legs that they were supposed to be
taking me backwards not forwards. Couldn't explain to my arms that they
weren't supposed to be wrapped around him. Couldn't explain to my mouth
that....oh God I couldn't even want to.
"Spike," I breathed. "I want you."
"I love you, God Xander I love you so much."
And that....was news to me. But it wasn't registering. The only thing that
was was how Spike was memorizing every inch of my mouth with his tongue and
his hands were raking up my back, tearing my shirt. And then I was being
thrown over his bed, my pants were being ripped off and oh God, his mouth
was there. Hands behind my head, back arched, eyes unseeing. He was using
his teeth and God it hurt but I needed it. I needed it so bad. He was
sucking so hard, his blunt bottom teeth raking the underside. My fingers
curled into the sheets like claws and my back arched even further and I
screamed so loudly it was a damn good thing we were in the middle of a
cemetery as orgasm ripped through me.
"Love you Xander."
Awake. All I can hear is the sound of ragged breathing. That would be my
own. I wrap my arms around myself suddenly shivering and move the sheets
that are now too sticky to even think about sleeping under. Oooookay, time
for a nice hot shower. Or maybe a cold shower was more called for...
****
The blond vampire shot up in bed. He glanced at Harmony, lying naked beside
him and his blood ran as cold as a vampire's blood could run as realization
dawned on him.
"No," he whispered. "Oh please no."
tbc
