The thing in his head had to be malfunctioning. That's what Spike kept telling himself in the wake of what happened with Xander Harris. His brain was getting scrambled because of microwaves or something. There was no way in hell he could've actually desired the boy, so that *had* to be the reason.

Then why was he still thinking about kissing Xander again?

Spike cursed under his non-existent breath for the hundredth time. Two nights had passed since his encounter with Xander. Two nights of aching arousal for and revolving thoughts about the muscular, dark-haired, annoying young man. Two nights since Xander had returned to the basement after his shower, took one look at a ticked-off Spike, said: "Are you still here?" and then: "If you're gonna stay, keep quiet, because I'm going to sleep."

The vampire grabbed a magazine off the rack in front of him and opened it to a random page. The girl in the ad told him to scratch-and-sniff her liquor-drenched cunt. It was about as titillating as watching the grass grow. Now, if it was Xander's cock he was to scratch-and-sniff...

"Damn it," Spike growled, closing the magazine and tossing it back on the rack. He did not want Xander! He'd rather kiss the librarian's hairy white ass, as the mug he'd defaced said. He'd rather travel back in time and service the Master's entire London court again. *He did not want that boy!*

Spike stormed out of the liquor store and stalked up the street. He needed to kill something, preferably a human male with dark, shaggy hair, chocolate brown eyes and an ass that begged to be buggered. Someone who looked exactly like the young man in the appliance store he was passing.

"Fuck," Spike swore, when he realized it was the object of his current tirade that he saw through the storefront window. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

The blond vampire grabbed the door handle, yanked it open and stomped inside.

Xander glanced towards the door with a worried expression on his face when he heard it open, his hand straying towards the stake in his back pocket. Visitors at eleven at night were very rare at the store. When he saw who it was, he relaxed, spun in a quick circle and grabbed the broom handle he was using as a dance partner.

"Giles," he said aloud, continuing his game. He executed a clumsy two step with the broom. "No chance. Old guy, father figure, lack of respect issues."

Xander leaned the broom against a washer, hopped up onto a dryer and banged his heels twice. "Riley. Oh yeah. Cornboy would be a beggar." He grinned wolfishly. "What about you, Spike?"

"What about me what?" Spike said, glaring at Xander as he came to a halt near the boy.

"Riley. Would you fuck him and why or why not?" Xander said.

Spike narrowed his eyes. "Why do you want to know?"

"It's a game, stupid," Xander replied with an exasperated sigh. "It's called Casual Sex. You pick people and chose whether or not you'd do them and why."

"If you call me stupid again, I'll rip your tongue out and make you eat it," Spike growled.

Xander snorted. "I'm scared. Truly."

"Fuck you," Spike snapped.

"Been there, done that, wasn't anything to write home about," Xander told him offhandedly.

Spike snarled loudly and went to hit the brunette, but pulled up short with a hiss of pain. "Bloody fucking hell!" he exclaimed, pressing the heel of his palm hard against his forehead.

"You think you'd have learned by now," Xander tisked. "I take it you rode the short bus to school."

"Piss off," Spike grumbled.

Xander chuckled and patted the dryer. "Pull up an energy-saving home appliance and chill awhile."

"Why should I?" Spike rubbed his eyes and fervently wished for lightning to strike the whelp down.

"Because I'm bored and you're good for a few laughs," Xander replied. "So, Riley. Would you screw the goody-goody right out of him or not?"

"In a second," Spike said, then mentally cursed himself. Why did he answer? It's not like he wanted to play the idiotic game. He wanted to tear the boy's throat out so he'd shut up. It was the thing in his head. It had to be.

"How about Willow?" Xander asked, leaning back on his elbows. He'd already been through all his acquaintances with the game and had moved onto the hard ones -- the Scooby Gang -- when the vampire had shown up. "Does Glenda the Good Witch stiffen your wand?"

Spike looked at Xander with an expression of disgust. "Do me a favor and don't pun."

Xander gave him a lopsided grin and he felt his jeans suddenly grow tight. It's Willow, the vampire told himself. He was thinking about whether or not he'd shag the witch into unconsciousness.

"Well?" Xander prompted. He was amused by Spike's behavior. He swore that the vampire didn't know if he was coming or going... or cumming.

Hmm, wickedly nice image, he thought. Contrary to what he'd told Spike, the other male was exceptionally good in bed. Than again, if he'd have had a century of experience, he'd be the shit, too.

"Yes, I'd do her," Spike answered after a moment. "Just to get her out of those soddin' clothes."

"I don't know if I would," Xander said. "Yes, she's attractive, but Willow's the kind of girl that would be hard to boff and run."

Spike hopped up onto the wash machine opposite Xander, pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Xander watched the vampire under his lashes. He wouldn't deny that he felt the stirring of arousal for the blond, but that was about it. He couldn't honestly say that he'd even thought about Spike in the past two days, nor did he know why Spike was even in the store with him.

As Spike inhaled on his cigarette and glanced towards the front window, Xander surreptitiously studied him. He had a striking face, all hard planes and sharp lines. The body hidden under the duster was similar, lean and taut and marked with several scars from a life before undeath.

"Angel," Xander named the next victim on his list.

Spike looked at the boy sharply. "What about the nonce?"

"Would you do him?" Xander said.

"No," Spike said immediately and firmly. "I wouldn't let him near me even if he promised to fix me."

"You hate him that much?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Xander asked curiously.

Spike took a long drag on his cigarette. Why was he sitting here playing this stupid game with the whelp?, he asked himself. He had people to... right. Well, he had things... damn.

The blond decided to chalk it up to masochistic perversion combined with boredom that had him answering instead of leaving. Sort of like continuing to pull off a scab to watch the wound bleed even though it hurt to do so. Plus, it was always fun to see the shocked expressions on people's faces when the truth came so far out of left field.

"I hate the wanker because the moment he'd look at me like he cared, I know I'd fall in love with him all over again."

"Huh." Xander tried to keep his jaw from hitting the floor. He must not have done a very good job because Spike laughed.

"Pathetic, isn't it?" Spike commented, stabbing out his cigarette on the bottom of his boot. He flicked the butt to the floor. "I don't need that shit. My unlife is too cocked up as it is."

Xander hopped off the dryer and walked over to the sales desk near the end of the row of washers and dryers. "It's probably a good thing that the idea to ship you off to him was vetoed then."

"You bet your soddin' arse," Spike said. He frowned at the brunette as Xander rooted around in one of the desk drawers. "What about you? Where's my great poof of a sire fall on your 'to fuck' list?"

"Oh, I'd screw him blind," Xander replied.

"I thought you hated him too," Spike said.

"I do," Xander said, taking out a package of Twinkies. "But have you seen the body that vamp's got?"

Spike chuckled. "As a matter of fact, yes."

"That was a rhetorical question, fangless face." Xander ripped open the Twinkie package as he walked back over to where Spike was sitting. "Okay, here's a toughy - Buffy."

The blond vampire rolled his eyes at Xander's dumb rhyming. "If you'd have asked me when I first met the chit, I'd have said hell yeah," he said. "Now, though, the Slayer's too effin' skinny. I'd be afraid she'd cut me up with her sharp bones."

Xander stopped in front of the vampire and held up a Twinkie. "I've been trying to get her on Xander Harris's patented Twinkie diet, but so far no go." He extended the creme-filled snack cake towards Spike. "Want one?"

Spike made a face. "Do you know those things have a shelf life of a billion years?"

"That's why they're so nummy good," Xander stated. He shrugged. "Well, your loss."

Spike stared at Xander, his mouth parting slightly, as the cylindrical snack slid between the brunette's lips. He swallowed heavily as Xander bit down, the creme filling squirting from the Twinkie. His shaft grew to its fullest proportions in an instant when some of that white creme stuck to Xander's lips in an unbelievably erotic way.

Spike's hand shot out, curled in the front of Xander's shirt and he yanked the boy to him. Without warning, he ran his tongue over the other man's lower lip, cleaning the filling away.

Xander's eyes widened briefly, but he didn't struggle against the vampire. As quickly as he could, he chewed and swallowed the Twinkie portion in his mouth. Then, he closed his eyes, angled his head and followed Spike's lead.

He moved closer to Spike and set the Twinkies down on the washer. His hands settled on the blond's hips as Spike wove his arms around Xander's neck. The kiss deepened quickly, Xander's tongue twining sensually with the other man's, causing the brunette to harden beneath his pants. He pushed his hips forward, rubbing up against Spike's crotch, and the vampire wrapped his legs around Xander's waist.

Spike growled in the back of his throat and tried to wiggle even closer to the heat radiating from Xander. The boy tasted so good, even with the Twinkie bits, and he never wanted the kiss... to... end...

Fucking hell, he was kissing Xander again! And, on top of that, he was wrapped around the younger man like a girl!

Spike shoved Xander forcefully away and snarled as pain shot through his skull. He bent his head and pressed his palm to his forehead in a much-loathed repeated gesture.

"Spike, are you okay?" Xander asked with a pant as he took a step back towards the vampire.

Spike threw out his hand in a 'go away' gesture without raising his eyes and promptly clocked Xander in the nose.

"Ow!" Xander exclaimed at the same time Spike let out a choked-off scream of pain.

The blond vampire doubled over, clutching his head with both hands, and he tried to will the bolts of searing pain away. It was just a fucking accident! He wasn't trying to intentionally hurt the sod!

Xander wiggled his nose several times. The vampire didn't hit him hard enough to break anything. He only had that annoying 'funny bone in the nose' pain that had started to disappear already.

He frowned at the top of Spike's bent head, stepped forward again and reached out with both hands. Spike flinched but didn't move away as the brunette started to rub his fingertips along the vampire's scalp. It always felt good when Willow did this to him when he had a headache and, because it wasn't Spike's fault he got hurt, the sympathy portion of his brain went into action.

His rubbing must've helped because Spike started to purr.

Xander chuckled quietly, but it was loud enough for Spike to turn his head and look up at him.

"What are you laughing at?" the vampire asked in a tone that indicated he could care less as long as Xander kept doing what he was doing.

"You were purring," Xander told him, a smirk pulling up the corners of his lips.

"I don't purr," Spike grumbled, straightening.

"Uh-huh." Xander kept his hands behind Spike's head, gently rubbing small circles down to the other man's neck. "Then someone let a big ol' cat loose in here."

"I don't purr," Spike insisted, glaring daggers at him. "I never have and I never fucking will."

"Xander."

Spike furrowed his brow in confusion at the abrupt nature in which the boy said his own name. "Xander what?"

Xander gave him a lopsided grin. "Would you have casual sex with Xander and why?"

Spike sucked in an unneeded breath as the brunette's fingernails scraped over the back of his neck. The desire he'd felt for the other man, which had dissipated with the pain, returned tenfold. He knew instantly that if he answered in the positive, he'd be accepting a sympathy fuck. The question should really be: did he want that?

Hell, yes.

If he was going to go out of his mind, he might as well get laid first.

Xander smiled into the kiss that was Spike's answer then gave over to the hormone brigade trying to take over his body. The kiss was not gentle, nor was it brutal. It was a simple middle- of-the-road kiss, and each man took the time to thoroughly explore the other's mouth, moving closer and closer to one another until Spike was once again practically wrapped around the brunette.

Xander made the first move on the quest for sex by tugging on Spike's duster. The blond vampire released him long enough to pull the faded jacket off then immediately latched back onto him. Freed from the coat-obstacle, Xander was able to pull Spike's tee-shirt from his jeans.

Spike growled in approval when he felt Xander's hands under his shirt. The calloused fingers skimmed along his back all the way up to his neck. The brunette used his fingernails on the descent, scratching eight even paths on either side of the vampire's spine, and Spike arched forward in pleasure.

The vampire broke the kiss and dragged his mouth down along Xander's jawline towards his ear. Xander turned his head to give Spike access, panting slightly, and his half-slitted eyes focused on the large storefront window. It dawned on him that anyone passing by could see two grown men going at if they glanced through the window.

As naughty as it would be to be on display like that, Xander preferred to conduct his liaisons dangerous in private. Besides which, he wasn't that interested in getting caught with Spike of all men... or vampires.

"Stay put," Xander murmured, forcing himself to pull away from the nibbling vampire.

Spike watched with a sullen pout as Xander headed towards the front of the store. When he saw the boy draw the shade over the large window, his pout turned into a smirk. "Ashamed of me, pet?"

"Yes," Xander answered simply.

The pout returned.

Xander chuckled at Spike's reaction and patted the vampire's knee as he walked past. "Don't worry, Spike. I'm still going to pork ya 'til ya squeal. And speaking of grease..."

"We were?" Spike was confused, which was getting to be a normal feeling. It had to be a result of the malfunctioning thing in his head, along with the intense desire to lick every inch of the boy's body within the next ten minutes.

The brunette bent next to the desk and straightened again with a can in his hand. "'Garber's Grease,'" Xander read the label, as he moved back over to Spike. "'Good to use on things that slide, stick, screw and squeak.'" He gave the vampire a wink. "I think sex falls under at least three of those categories. Four if we work up a sweat."

"Very amusing," Spike said dryly.

Xander leaned one hip against the wash machine next to Spike and turned the can to read the back. "No warnings on skin contact no-nos," he said. He arched his brow and his lips curled up into a wicked smile. "But I think we should follow the directions anyway."

Spike nodded dumbly, his eyes focused on Xander's smile. If the brunette was a vampire, that smile would have sent chills down his spine from the concupiscence of it. As it was, he was having trouble not drooling on the front of his shirt. Cor, this was so very wrong.

"One: identify part to be greased," Xander said. He looked at Spike, at Spike's crotch, then back up at Spike's face. "Part identified."

Spike's part strained even harder against the zipper of his jeans.

"Two: remove any coverings to the part to be greased," Xander said. He set the can down, moved in between Spike's legs and worked at the fastenings of the vampire's pants. He licked his lips as he dragged Spike's jeans to just above the other man's knees, his eyes drinking in the sight of the stiff marble shaft pointing straight towards him.

"Three," Xander said, his voice growing thicker. He glanced at the can then back at Spike's hard- on. "Clean area thoroughly."

Spike hissed and his head dropped back as Xander's lips wrapped around his cock. The boy's mouth was wet and hot and wreaking havoc on his mind. Xander's tongue lashed at the sensitive underside as he sucked hard, and Spike wondered just how many blowjob's Xander had given because he was really fucking good at it.

"Ah hell, Xander," Spike gasped, his body tightening with an impending orgasm after a few, too- short minutes. "I'm going to bloody pop if you don't quit."

Xander's response was to suck him down to the root.

A strangled cry erupted from Spike as he climaxed hard, filling Xander's mouth with thick streams of bittersweet fluid. The brunette swallowed quickly, his throat muscles contracting around the head of Spike's shaft, causing the vampire to violently shudder.

Xander straightened after he'd milked the vampire dry and wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve. "Area clean," he said impishly.

Spike leaned forward and captured the boy's mouth, his tongue slipping between Xander's lips. He tasted himself and it lit a low flame of desire in his belly, knowing the taste came from the pleasure he'd just received.

Xander broke the kiss, gave Spike a dopey smile and picked up the can again. "Four," he squeaked, then cleared his throat and tried again. "Four: If possible, position the part in a manner that will prevent the grease getting on other undesirable areas."

The brunette set the can down again, grabbed Spike's hips and pulled the vampire to the very edge of the washer he was sitting on. Then, Xander put his hand in the center of Spike's chest and pushed until the vampire was half-laying on the large appliance's surface. Spike's only response to Xander's pushing his knees up and back was to arch his scarred brow.

Xander stepped forward until he was flush with the wash machine and frowned. "Hold that thought," he instructed, earning a chuckle from the vampire. He quickly jogged to the back of the store and returned shortly thereafter with a two-foot stepladder.

After positioning the ladder with the steps facing the washer, Xander climbed onto the first step and smiled. With a flick of his wrist, his trousers and boxers were down around his knees, his erection straining towards the vampire's exposed puckered entry.

"Five," Xander said, grabbing the can and opening it. "Liberally grease the area you wish to slide, unstick, screw or stop from squealing."

Xander dipped two fingers into the slick, orangey substance and stirred it up a little. He leered at Spike just before he slid his coated fingers into the blond's tight hole.

Spike should have felt ridiculous because of the position he was in. It wasn't often... or ever... that a master vampire would be on his back, his bare ass at the edge of a washing machine, holding his partially jeans-clad knees to his shirt-clad chest, as a human male prepared him to be buggered. However, all Spike felt was burning pleasure and a strong desire to be fucked.

Padded room, meet Spike.

"Six," Xander said with a groan as he used his other hand to grease up his aching erection. He removed his fingers from Spike and positioned his very-ready cock at the ringed rosette. "Check to see if part works as desired."

Xander slid easily into Spike's tight channel. "Oh yeah," he breathed, pulling his hips back and thrusting into Spike again. "Works good."

Spike dropped his head back onto the control panel of the washer and moaned as Xander began to fuck him. An announcement banner swayed gently above him from the air coming through the vent. A stove with all sorts of gadgets adorned one corner, with the rest of the sign proclaiming: 'We don't have to be what you want us to be.' It made absolutely no sense. Then again, he was getting it up the ass from a hot-blooded male with a long, hard prick, so who was he to say what made sense.

Xander's knees banged up against the wash machine with each of his thrusts, the hollow echo resounding in the appliance store. The ladder under his feet squeaked on the tiled floor in rhythm with his knees. His fingers tightened on Spike's bare hips and his head lolled from the wonderfully intense tightness surrounding his cock. He reiterated his opinion from a few nights prior: this was much, much, *much* better than pussy. He could happily fuck Spike for hours.

Xander's body had other ideas, though, and his orgasm was upon him much sooner than he'd wanted. "You tight-assed bastard," he gasped as he climaxed. He slammed his hips forward twice more before he pressed himself flush against the blond's backside. His shaft pulsed repeatedly as he spilled himself deep inside Spike's grasping body.

The brunette collapsed down onto the top of the stepladder. "Gonna have to...," he panted, "...write Garber's... a glowing... usage letter..."

Spike slid down off of the washer, cupped Xander's chin and tilted his head up. "You do that," the vampire murmured, then proceeded to thoroughly kiss him.

Eventually, Xander decided that breathing was something he should take up doing and he tore his mouth from the blond's with a large gasp of air. Normally, breathing and kissing at the same time wasn't too hard of a task, but he'd been still trying to catch his post-orgasm wind when Spike had decided to take up tongue diving.

"You are... very... orally-fixated," Xander commented between gulps of air.

"Comes with the territory, luv," Spike responded wryly.

Xander rolled his eyes, turned on the stepladder and stood. He glanced at the clock on the wall as he fixed his pants and he sighed gratefully. "Almost time to close. Yipee."

Spike pulled up his jeans, not too caring about the mess he was making of the denim. He was already hard again and raring to shag Xander 'til he screamed. "Do you want me to hang around and walk your well-sexed self home so we can continue?"

"Nah," Xander said, folding up the stepladder. He headed for the back of the store with it. "I have to clean up the mess we made and run the paperwork. You go ahead and go do whatever it is fixed vampires do all night."

Spike stared after the boy in shock. Xander had just dismissed him... again!

"Oh and if you see Anya," Xander called from the back. "Tell her I'll meet her around eleven tomorrow, okay?"

At that moment, Spike knew he never wanted Xander to become a vampire. The mortal was cruel enough without any help from a demon.

"You, Xander Harris, are going to be the life of me," Spike growled. With a final swear, he grabbed his duster and stalked out of the appliance store Xander emerged from the back with a roll of paper towels, a sprayer of 409 and an evil smirk on his face. He set the stuff down on the desk, pulled out his wallet and picked up the receiver to the phone. He took out the folded business card Oz had given to everyone many full moons ago, punched in the phone number and waited.

"Hey, Deadboy, have I got some interesting information for you..."

*****************

End