Title: Understand

Author: Vona

Rating: PG

Pairing: Literati

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, AS-P owns them.

Summary: I was so excited when Jess came back. The show really needed Jess. I wrote this little tag after Nag Hamadi is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospels. Jess realizes he can't drive away from Rory again.

Understand

He’d been driving for several hours, aimlessly down the highway. He was surrounded by darkness, not that he was shocked about that. He always seemed to be covered in darkness, except when he was around Rory. She always brought light to him. He cursed himself, he sounded like some cheesy romance writer. It was true, all the same. He’d never stopped thinking about her. In California, when he was on his Kerouac road trip, avoiding family that made him feel bad about himself, she was always there. He’d never had anyone to care about him. Liz never did. Well, maybe she did, she just didn’t do a very good job of showing that she cared. Luke and Rory cared about him. They were disappointed in him for not graduating, at least Luke was. Rory hadn’t known before he left. He couldn’t face the disappointment from her. Luke, he could deal with, Rory, he couldn’t. He’d already hurt her at that party, fallout from finding out he wasn’t graduating, to see her blue eyes watch him with pity would kill him. So he’d disappeared to California on some insane idea that he could get to know his father. Of course, that hadn’t worked out so well. He’d left only one month later, off on a cross-country trip on the bus, since he didn’t have the car. He’d missed being around people, though. He’d gotten used to having someone he could talk to and that was gone. He’d heard it in her voice when he’d called her. She could have loved him. He did love her. But he was too late; he’d lost it, like he lost everything else. He’d started to call Liz, wanting to have an inkling of normalcy. She’d told him about the car and suddenly he was back in Stars Hollow again. He didn’t know what he was doing. He never knew what to do in Stars Hollow. All that fluffy happiness and innocent naivety got to him. Usually. And it was the town of Rory.

He still didn’t know what had possessed him to tell Rory he loved her. Sure, he did. He couldn’t stop thinking about her. Every day, almost all day, he thought of her. He didn’t know how to act when he saw her, so he’d run. But he always saw the hurt. And as always, he wanted to protect her from the hurt, but he needed to tell her. Needed to talk to her. It was a compulsion, an obsession. She was so angry and she’d run. He couldn’t remember a day he’d seen her run, except when he’d kissed he down at the lake. And she was weaving in and out and he was following her to the point it looked like some horrible chick flick. She’d stared at him, waiting for him to tell her whatever it was that he was supposed to tell her. He’d blurted it out. Just Iloveyou. That was it. He’d fled as soon as he realized he’d said it, he’d never said it before. Not to girls, not to his family. No one. He didn’t look back at her, not after he’d driven past her. She’d been shell-shocked. Had she been happy about his confession? He couldn’t tell. But that’s all he’d thought about while he drove aimlessly around the highway.

He swerved, making an illegal U-turn, not able to take it anymore. He knew where he was going; yet he was lost. He drove, his foot mashing the gas pedal to where he was speeding 15 miles over the limit. He prayed silently that his car would be able to take the extra mileage and speed, hoping that Gypsy really did fix it. He bit his lip, waiting impatiently for the sign of life to come. Daylight was breaking, a bit of sunlight streaming in through the frosted windows of the car.

He pulled up into a visitor’s parking spot. She would have come back to Yale by 11, he assumed. She’d want to study before her first class on Monday. That’s the kind of person Rory was. He wasn’t sure what dorm building she stayed in. He roamed around the campus, looking for any sign of Rory. He saw Paris from afar, kissing some old guy, but he decided it would be better not to interrupt that. Besides, he wasn’t sure he wanted anyone to know he was there. That could be bad, especially if he decided to leave before Rory got there. A glimpse of Rory from across the courtyard had him making a decision and running like an idiot again. She didn’t notice him as she pulled her messenger bag over her shoulder and headed into a large stone building. They all looked the same to him, but she knew what she was doing. He stopped in front of the large doors and pulled on them. Locked. Of course, Yale would have a security system to keep the students from being attacked in their dorms. He knocked on the door, but the students ignored him. He didn’t exactly fit in with the ritzy attendees of the school. He knocked a little bit more, but nothing. He started to yell, hoping to get someone’s attention, but people just stared at him like he was a freak. Probably because he was.

“Rory! I know you’re in here! Rory!”

He was surprised he hadn’t been escorted off the premises by the security guards.

“Rory! Please! I know I screwed up! A lot! Rory!”

He began to wonder if she could even hear him. He didn’t know what room she was in, if she was even at the front of the building.

“RORY!”

He saw a window open, and she stuck her head out the window. Her eyes widened and she slammed the window shut. He didn’t know what that meant, exactly. Get out of here, Jess? I’ll be down in a second, Jess? Why are you here, Jess? He saw the doors open slowly, a boy watching him closely.

“Why do you want Rory?”

Jess laughed ironically. She had a boyfriend. Of course, she did.

“I needed to talk to her.”

“You couldn’t call her on the phone?”

“I don’t have her number anymore.”

The boy seemed to take pity on him and let him in.

“I’m Marty.”

“Jess.” He sort of hoped it sparked some kind of recognition in Marty. What kind of name was Marty anyway? His eyes traveled to the end of the hall and he saw Rory walking to the doors. Hope sprang up inside of him, something he hadn’t felt in a year.

“Jess.” That was all she could say. Jess. He accepted that and didn’t force anymore. He watched her, let his eyes drink in the sight of the girl he loved. He didn’t know what he wanted her to say, or if he even wanted her to say anything. He wasn’t sure why he came.

“I’m sorry.” He didn’t apologize often. He reached his hand, taking it into his. He intertwined their fingers together, pulling her closer to him.

“I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for the party. I’m sorry for not graduating. I’m sorry for being a jerk. I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I know I messed up. Probably beyond repair. I don’t even know how to begin to fix it, Rory. But I want to. I’ve never wanted to fix anything before, but I want to do this.”

Rory looked like she was about to cry. He didn’t want that. She was biting her lower lip, the sure sign she was nervous. Or uncomfortable. Jess leaned forward, his forehead touching hers.

“I love you.”

She started to smile, a bright, full-face lighting up smile. He loved it when she smiled like that. Rory was speechless, all the same.

“You hurt me, Jess. A lot. I didn’t understand anything you were doing. And you didn’t feel like you could talk to me about it, Jess.”

“I didn’t want you to be disappointed. I couldn’t stand it. It was easier to do it the way I did than facing you.”

Rory closed her eyes, processing the information.

“I love you.”

She reopened her eyes, surprised by the reiteration he’d done.

“I love you, too.”

Suddenly, everything in Jess’s world was okay. At least for a moment.

“I’ll move back to Stars Hollow.”

“You hate Stars Hollow.”

“Not if I get to see you every weekend.”

“You hated Stars Hollow when you saw me everyday.”

“I pretended to hate Stars Hollow when I saw you everyday.”

Rory laughed a little, leaning in to kiss Jess.

“We have to talk about everything that happened. You need to explain things to me more than you did.”

“I will. Over coffee.”

“Is it a coffee conversation?”
“I thought everything was a coffee conversation for you.”

Rory nodded, realizing that he was right. She smiled at him once more, her heart feeling less heavy. She had missed Jess. She’d never gotten over him. She’d told him she could have loved him, but truthfully, she already had. She still did. And maybe everything would turn out okay. He clasped her hand, offering her a thin smile. He’d been searching for something on his road trip and he’d been running away from something on his road trip. He just hadn’t known they’d been the same thing.