Without You

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Author: Richess a.k.a. A.N.H. Richards

E-mail: richess78@hotmail.com

Summary: Spike thinks of what could have been between him and Buffy. Plus a missing scene from The Gift.

Disclaimer: All Characters belong to J. Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and/or Fox Production and etc.

Author Note: warning character death

Song: Without You by Lenny Kravitz from the album 5 (Five) re-released in 1999

___________________________________________

He felt the time change internally. His demon screamed for him get up. To leave. But his heart wanted to stay still. His mind wanted peace. He remembered there words at her house.

* * *

Buffy opened the door and marched inside her house like the girl on a mission that she was.

"The weapons are in the chest by the t.v. I'll grab some things...." Buffy began up the stairs.

Spike conjured up enough of a voice, "Buffy?"

Buffy turned around to see Spike putting his hands up to the barrier. Spike looked at the slightly confused statement on his face and then continued, "If you wanna just hand them over the threshold."

Buffy sighed realizing his dilemma, she had totally forgotten about the un-invite, "Come in Spike."

* * *

The memory made his heart feel light. Metaphorically speaking. He wanted to do the bloody snoopy dance that the whelp and Red always talked about at that moment.

He lay still breathing in the fresh air and exhaling.

His duster lay on the ground next to him the grass tickled his skin.

* * *

Spike looked at the doorway, and then door frame. Pressing his lips together and he walked over the threshold and smiled shyly, "Presto...No barrier."

He reached the weapons chest not wanting to over stay his welcome, so to speak, "Uhmm I'll forget the small stuff. A couple of good axes should hold off Glory's mates."

Buffy looks at him with regret in her eyes, "We're all not gonna make it.......U know that."

Spike steps toward Buffy, giving her a half laugh, "Hey, I always knew I'd go down fighting."

Buffy face suddenly grew stern, "I'm counting on you ..... to protect her."

"To the end of the world .....even if that happens to be tonight."

"I'll be a minute"

Spike slightly nodded and Buffy goes up the stairs.

"I know you'll never love me." Spike blurted out.

Buffy stopped. Spike caught his non-existent breath as she looked down at him at the bottom of the stairs

"I know that I'm a monster.... But you treat me like a man and that's....."

Spike began to walk out the door, when heard her sniffle, he turned around.

* * *

He never thought that he would see that look in her eyes but he dismissed instantly.

"Why?" Spike asked himself as he listened the chirping crickets and went back to his last memories of her.

* * *

She turned back to walk up the stairs and halted. Spike stood still as he watched her face. Her eyes tear up.

He swallowed hard, "It’ll be ok pet. Niblet will be fine. I promise."

"No Spike. It’s not that." Buffy walked down toward him and rested her hand on his cheek, as a tear rolled down hers. Her hand trembled. "I’m sorry."

"For what?" Spike looked into her eyes.

"After my mom died, she left a note. She made it after she and Dawn stayed with you and then she added something along the way. Different inks." Buffy explained.

"What did she say?" Spike wanted to brush the fresh tears off of her cheek but refrained.

Her hand fell back to her side as she spoke, "She basically told me not to be afraid."

Buffy let out a sob and Spike reached for her arm. She looked at it in amazement and then looked at the vampire before her.

"She told me not to be afraid of you. Not to be afraid of us."

Spike looked at Buffy in total confusion.

"She thought that you were good for me. She said I complained too much about you not to feel something for you." Buffy smirked through her tears, "Can you believe that?"

"Well ..... No." Spike said softly.

"Me too. She said that Angel and I, the idea of us shouldn’t ruin my future for happiness or blind me away happiness. She said that Angel made me afraid. Anyone that I fell in love with completely, I would feel guilty about it. I would feel like I betrayed him in some way. And she was right. I kept Riley at a distance and I just abused you to keep you at a distance. When you said those words at my door step that night when Dru came back. You ..... you were right, there is something. But ....." The tears began again and Spike brought the Slayer close towards him and drew her into a hug. His own tears close to spilling. Looking at Buffy, torn and tortured was too much to take. Spike blinked back the tears as he released her.

"Maybe when this Glory bitch is in the ground we can discuss this. Us. Later." Spike sighed deeply and smiled.

Buffy smiled slightly and sniffled. Her sad eyes looked up at him, tears at the brim, "Later."

Buffy reached up and gently brushed her lips against Spike’s, he didn’t even have time to react to her touch, she turned around and dart up the stairs.

"You promise?" He asked hopefully.

She turned back and smiled at him and went up the stairs.

* * *

A sob racked Spike’s body. As he remember her last words. She thought he hadn’t heard, but his did, vampiric hearing does wonders.

But as her body turned, he heard her, as plain as the daylight that was approaching, "For some reason Spike I don’t think we’ll have that talk."

"Why did I have to love her?" He said laying next her. Tears drenched his face. His body was tired, his mind was weak. He needed it to stop. He needed it to end.

* * *

Buffy had left everyone a note in her room just like her mother left her.

"She knew this was going to happen."

When Dawn gave Spike his and he read the words he crumbled to the floor, Willow and Dawn were at his side in seconds but he knew what he had to do. He left later on the night thinking of her words,

Hello cutie,

Yes, I still remember that line. You were very rude the first time we met, trying to kill me and all and now look I’m writing you a good bye letter. This is weird. Ok I have been a total bitch to you for most time I’ve known you. But for good reason. You are a vampire. Vampire evil. Slayer Good. Ok things aren’t that black and white. You’ve definitely made lots of hues of gray. But let me tell you. You’ve been there through most of my Slayer days (or should I say nights). You have been my enemy and now you are my ally. It must be the Hellmouth.

Ok enough of all the ceremony stuff. This is my gift to Dawn. It’s all I have left besides her and if I don’t have her I don’t want to live. But I need you to be there for her. My dad is flake and if those Knights comeback I want someone there who can help her. My Slayer time has been ok I guess. I really don’t have too much to compare it to. So let’s put it this way, Spike. I love you. Yes you read right. I love you. You are honest (maybe even too much) and your are sensitive in your own way and you love me even after that things I did to you. You have no reason to help me but you still do.

I was wrong when I said that you and Angel were different. You have as much of a soul as he does. I just wish that I didn’t see it this late. God, would I love to turn back the clock, but I can’t. I’m sorry that I never gave you a chance. Never gave us a chance. Maybe I’ll see you in another lifetime, Spike. Bye.

Buffy.

* * *

Only hours had passed since he had gotten his letter, the heat of the early morning sun steadfastly approached like it was suppose to. The song that he had listened continually since her death was etched in his mind,

The sun is shining

But I don’t feel the rays

The boats are sailing

But I don’t want to play

I don’t think I can make it

Without you

I don’t think I can make it

Without you

I live life in luxury

But I believe it’s a crime

When you can’t enjoy it

And all the time cry

Or maybe some kind of curse

When there’s so much water

But all the time thirst

I don’t think I can make it

Without you

I don’t think I can make it

Without you

The sun peeked over the horizon he lay still. Fright waved over him but the guilt and sorrow consumed him.

He wished in some other time they could be happy and together. She would have given him a chance before it was too late.

He could hear screaming in the distance he turned to see Dawn running toward him. A blanket in her hands. Sheer determination in her eyes. But she could not outrun the rays. She could not out run the light.

He didn’t say a word at the sun burnt his flesh to dust, he laid peacefully feeling warmth for the last time.

My mind is a courthouse

My soul is a jail

My life is on death row

Cause you are not there

I need a pardon

I can’t stand the pain

What I’d do for your love now

If there’s love to regain

I don’t think I can make it

Without you

I don’t think I can make it

Without you

I don’t think I can make it

Without you

I don’t think I can make it

Without you

Dawn stood looking at the dust that littered her sister’s grave, and dropped to her knees. Another person to mourn, she thought. Tears streamed down her face as she watched the slight breeze scatter Spike’s ashes.

"Good bye Spike." Dawn said regretfully as she hugged his duster close to her body and left the cemetery.

The End