The Unreturning

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Disclaimers: I don't own any of the characters, it's all owned by Joss. Words of the lyrics are "Thank You" by Dido, title The unreturning by Wilfred Owen. Movie Quotes from The Princess Bride.

-Summary/Spoilers- Set in Season 5, probably after Into the Woods. S/B are lovers, but Spike leaves because Angel is gaining his humanity.

-Rating: Pg (this part)

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She waited for him, patiently, like every other night for the past few weeks. No matter how hard the day had been just seeing his white head popping into her window all troubles seemed to fade away and all that was real was them two. Not every night would they make love, sometimes they would just lay and just hold each other as if everything would be lost if they let go. Falling asleep in each other's arms was magical. For the most part he would leave before sunrise. Other times she would wake and watch him climb down her window, like a gallant knight leaves his princess, and he would look up to see wrapped in nothing but a white silk blanket that was almost sheer in the light of the dawn. She would live throughout the day with the memories of his kisses and the warmth of his embrace.

And whether this was meant to be or not, she would like to remember it as the suspended illusion of those magical nights when the world faded and all that was left was each other.

There was no need to read love stories for her life was an embodiment of one. At times she couldn't wait till after midnight to savor his lips and she would barge in un-invited to his crypt and surprise him when he was groggy and half-asleep.

His dreams had turned, instead of having her in illusions he would carry the smell of her hair throughout his day-sleep. But he would especially love it when she would barge in unexpected to his place. This way he wouldn't have to wait to hold her at night for his passion to erupt. Their passion was of course keep secret from all
the others, they wouldn't understand. No one suspected anything, it was their secret, and even thought at times she wanted to scream it at the top of her lungs she would just smile inwardly and hear him say "Just us, pet, would understand this" and the slight sound of his thick English accent would calm her quivering nerves.
One night about three weeks after their first embrace she walked into her room were in a few minutes he should be coming through her open window but instead found a single white rose and a note. It said "At the clearing, by the graveyard, off Sunset Blvd." she smiled, took a shower and made her way to her lover.

He had been expecting her, he had stolen a CD player and had a slow song playing, the song was perfect.

I want to thank you, for giving be the best day of my life.
And oh just to be with you makes it the best day of my life

A blanket was laid out in the clearing, he had brought some wine (he heard women liked that) and some pillows for the hard floor. She walked slowly through the clearing, he had driving his vintage black car and parked it by the white blanket, he was squatting on the hood staring at her intensely . The tiny white dress she was wearing
slowly caressing the curves of her small body, almost translucent. He loved it.

He pulled out a rose, as pure white as the one he had left on her bed, "To my lady."

"Thank you good sir" she said taking the white rose and taking a little bow. He jumped down and extended his arm, she noticed he was dressed differently, he had dark jeans, a belt and a button down dark green shirt tucked in with the first three buttons undone to reveal the white "wife-beater" underneath.

"Dance?" he asked

"Foreplay?" she replied, he grinned.

They held each other in soft embrace, the white the moon illuminated their waltz. Slowly tenderly as if this was the last time they would be together.

I want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is the best day of my life

So softly they danced, no words needed, no words said. Just them. They looked into each others eyes and they knew that this wouldn't last forever.

She was the slayer, he was a vampire, he loved the slayer, she loved the vampire.

Could things be more ironic.

"Pet..." he trailed off

"I know" she said softly she brought his hand to her mouth and kissed it so lightly.

"I have to go" he said, a single tear ran thought the strong lines of his face.

She knew, deep in her gut, she knew.

"When?" she asked afraid to hear the answer. "Tomorrow night." he answered.

They stopped dancing and just stared at each other, in an endless moment. Only the sky to witness their desire.

"Buffy,....our life was not meant to end in a fairy-book way....to live happily ever after...its not us, luv." he said wiping with his thumb the tears that were now trickling down her face.

"Back to LA?" she asked almost in a whisper.

He nodded "I found a surgeon to remove my chip"

"I want to be there with you" she said thinking of him in a back dark room in an LA alley, where a weezy doctor would open his skull with out anesthesia and,...she couldn't let him go through this alone. There was no longer the fear of his evil-evilness, she knew him.She could see through him. Not even the slightest possibility danced
in her head.

He smiled "Always wanting to save someone"

"Baby, I couldn't bear the thought of you dead." she said holding him closer.

"I am dead, pet" he reminded her.

"But, I have you, I still have you, you're with me." She said pressing her cheek against his hard chest. "And you'll leave like all the others" she whispered.

He held her close, so close she could almost hear a heart beat. "Buffy look at me."

She fought to meet his gaze, were she drowned in the darkest blue eyes, so pale, yet her reflection.

"I wish I could change the world, I wish I could make it for you and me. I wish you were not the slayer and I were not a soulless vampire. But I can wish all I want, luv, and it wont come true."

"Why give up?" She said, trying to make her voice steady, but with him she had learned to make her emotions open. To tell him when she was upset, to cry and not be ashamed, to laugh until it hurt. He had made her complete.

He took her small face between his white hands and kissed her softly on her lips.

"I am not giving up, Buffy."

"Then stay."

He sighted and looked placed his forehead with hers.

"I would promise to come back, but what then?" he whispered. "To see you in hiding? To slip out before dawn? To act like I hate you when all I want to do is hold you? To pretend I don't care when I would die again if anything happened to you?"

She brought her hand and caressed his pale skin.

"Buffy I......"

"Shhh...." she said placing her finger on his soft lips, those lips that have brought her comfort and lighted her life in ways she could not understand. As if she were truly alive when they met hers. "Some things are better left unsaid."

He looked into her eyes and nodded. "I'll never, ever, ever, forget you." he said and with that he kissed her one last time and let her go.

She felt like her body might disintegrate. He was leaving! She had just found him! They only had a couple of weeks, but a lifetime of memories. "Spike!" she said as tears ran down her cheeks and he turned to look at her. She walked up to him and kissed his forehead and smiled. "Be good."

He twisted a strand of her long blond hair in his finger, twisting it till it felt like the hurting pain inside his heart.
He knew he could never be the one, he knew one day she would get tired, he they were not meant to be. He also knew that in two days Angel would be human, and he would return to claim the woman he loved. There was no doctor in LA, there was only a vampire who had earned his redemption. He looked down at the small girl he loved, it was killing him to do this but he would rather leave before his sire would waltz into the gates of Sunnyhell and watch as she walked out of his arms.

"I will." He turned and got in his car driving it out of the park, driving it out of the hellmoth, driving it out of her life.

She watched as he speed away not looking back. She felt her body convulse in sobs as she crumbled defeated to the floor. It was not supposed to end this way, her knight was not to walk away, the princess was supposed to live happily ever after. She was to be happy, not with unbearable sadness, not with sorrow. But this was the Buffy Summers fairy tale. All her knights had left and there was no one left to fight for her but only her..

But this was the Buffy Summers fairy tale. All her knights had left and there was no one left to fight for her but only her.

His smell still surrounded her, so purely him. How could she face tomorrow, when she could hardly accept today?

How would she be able to walk by the cemeteries and stop looking for her lover to be hidden in the dark shadows, watching her, looking out for her, keeping her company, feelings his love radiating to her.

She felt lost without her vampire. She felt cold. She felt dead.

She loved him, more than words can describe, more intense than
anything she had ever felt, she loved him entirely and purely.

And nothing he did was going to change that.

He had left, but he always came back, someday her knight would come
back. She knew he would not walk in ridding a white horse, or
carrying a sword.

But as long as he came back, even if they couldn't be together, he
would stay, and that was enough.

I was enough for her.

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Wesley: Hear this now: I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Wesley: This is true love--you think this happens every day?

from The Princess Bride
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Sequel: Fond Memories