Angel felt his whole world spinning around him. Moments ago he had been so happy. Happy to be home, happy to be alive. Now he wished he’d stayed in Pyleea or that someone would just drive a stake through his heart.

“How did it happen?” He asked Willow, trying to keep his voice calm.

“She sacrificed herself to close the portal that Glory opened, she did it to save Dawn.” Willow’s eyes were filling with tears as she said the words.

She sacrificed herself. Like she sacrificed me.

He numbly drifted across the room to where Willow was stood and enveloped her in his arms. He heard her helpless sobbing and wished he could show his own grief. “Please, don’t cry, it isn’t what Buffy would want.”

But he couldn’t really bring himself to care about Willow’s grief, all he could think of as he held her was that he would never be able to hold Buffy like that again.

Somewhere behind him he heard Wesley say, “I should call Giles, he must be a state.”

And Cordelia, “What will Dawn do? Without Buffy and he mom, poor thing.”

Fred whispering, “Who’s Buffy?”

Gunn explaining, “The Vampire Slayer and ex-love interest of Angel, I think they had that whole soul mate thing going.”

Angel looked down at Willow, “I’m coming back to Sunnydale with you.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

Spike stared blankly at the television. Passions was on but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to care who was sleeping with her best friends husband and which character was the father of another’s baby. All he cared about was Buffy. And she was gone.

No one could understand how he felt. Even the scoobies who shared his grief didn’t care. They thought him incapable of true love. But they were so wrong, living for two hundred years had taught Spike more about love than they could possibly understand.

He reached for the bottle of Jack Daniels that he relied on more and more each day as the pain grew worse and worse. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept him from driving a stake through his own heart.

He gulped down a third of the bottle. It burned his throat at first but soon it made him feel better. Numb. The pain didn’t disappear but he could forget about it.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Angel travelled back to Sunnydale alone. Cordelia had wanted to come with him but he had told her he didn’t want her there. He hoped he hadn’t hurt her feelings too much.

He arrived there about midnight, too late to stop by Giles or see any of the other Scoobies. Instead he parked his car in a downtown parking lot and headed for the cemetery, the scene of so many of his ‘dates’ with Buffy and the place he had seen her last.

He headed for Joyce’s grave. Joyce whom Angel had never known well but had always respected.

He then headed towards where Willow had told him Buffy was buried. He found the grave quickly because it was surrounded by bright flowers and cards, there was even a picture of Buffy, Xander and Willow.

Angel knelt down besides it. “She saved the world a lot.” He read aloud from the headstone. Tears filled him eyes and he whispered “I loved you so much Buffy.”

“You weren’t the only one.” A voice from behind him spoke.

“Spike.” Angel didn’t even need to turn to recognise that voice. “What are you doing here?”

“I loved her too.”

“You don’t know what love is.”

Spike laughed, “You think love is leaving her? Running off to LA to play demon detective? That’s not love. Love is being here, fighting by her side, being ready to bloody do anything she asks!”

Angel stood and the two vampires faced each other. “She’d never love you!” Angel told Spike angrily.

“Maybe not.” Spike said casually. “But she was a hell of a lot closer to me than she was to you. These last few months I’ve been a friend, her ally, her mate. You’ve been nothing.”

Angel pushed him backwards, “Shut up Spike, don’t you think everyone has had enough of your sick fantasies?”

Spike flew at him, “You’re the one whose bloody sick, if Buffy was even a tiny bit in love with me I’d never let go!”

Soon they were angrily exchanging punches and insults, “You bloody great wuss!”

“Spike you’re hopeless evil and even more pathetic when you try to be the hero!”

Spike whipped a stake out of his jacket pocket and held it to Angel’s chest and said fiercely, “Lets end this!”

He would have driven it straight into Angel’s chest if he hadn’t heard a feeble cry, “No! Spike, don’t!”

“Buffy!” Both vampires exclaimed at the same moment.

They looked to the ground and there sitting in front of her headstone was Buffy. Alive as could be, healthy, beautiful… Neither man could believe it.

Spike fell to his knees and reached out to touch her cheek to check she really was there. “You’re real. You’re not a dream. You’re really here.”

Angel too knelt down besides her, “What happened?”

She shook her head, “I don’t remember. The last thing I remember was jumping into the portal.” She winced. “It was so painful.”

“It’s over now.” Spike said tenderly. Angel was astonished to hear the real emotion in his voice.

“We should take you home. I have my car, it’s not far, do you think you can walk?”

Buffy nodded. They helped her stand. The three of them walked together to Angel’s car. There was an air of tension and uncertainty hanging over them. Was this all real? How had it happened and what would it mean?

…………………………………………………………………………………………

An hour later the whole of the Scooby gang was gathered in the Summer’s living room. Buffy was sat on the sofa in-between Willow and Dawn, who hadn’t let her go since they’d returned. Xander was pacing the room asking how it had happened whilst Anya tried to come up with logical explanations. Giles was quizzing Angel, could TPTB have sent Buffy back for the same reasons they did him. Tara was sitting at Willow’s feet, not saying much but smiling contently. Spike was sat in the armchair, not saying much but looking fondly at Buffy.

Buffy tried to explain, “When I was up there it hit me, I finally realised what the whole ‘death is your gift’ thing meant. I knew I had to jump to save Dawn, after all, her blood is my blood and if one opens the portal then the other can close it. So I ran and jumped. Inside the portal it was like being hit by a thousand lightning bolts, the pain was so intense but it didn’t last long because the next thing I remember is waking up, as though I had been sleeping. At first I thought I was just in my bed but then I heard Angel and Spike and so I sat up and realised where I was.”

“Willow, Tara, can you promise me that you haven’t tried any spells that may have caused this?” Giles asked strictly.

“Of course not!” Willow insisted. “I mean Buffy we love you but we know not to mess with resurrection spells.”

The whole gang turned to look at Dawn. “Not me.” She said quickly.

“Does it matter?” Spike asked them all, “Buffy is back we should be celebrating not getting all fussy about it.”

Buffy yawned, “I’ll celebrate in the morning, I’m shattered! Dawn go to bed, the rest of you can go home.”

Dawn hugged her sister, “I’m so glad you’re back that I won’t even argue with you.”

The rest left one by one. Before he went Spike whispered to her, “I know you’ll tell me it’s irrelevant how I feel but I wanted you to know that you dying didn’t change a thing. I’m still here if you ever need anything.”

“Spike…” She whispered, but before she could continue Angel said, “Can we talk a minute?”

Spike didn’t look back at either of them as he walked away.

They were alone. Buffy said, “What is it?”

“Let’s sit down, I know you’re tired but I can’t just leave you without saying certain things tonight.” They sat back on the sofa and he continued. “When I met Spike in the cemetery tonight he told me that if I’d loved you enough I have been here for you.”

“Angel, we know it’s impossible.”

“But we haven’t tried hard enough.” He protested. “I’ve been able to keep going the last two years knowing that you were here, and even when you were with Riley I knew that on some level you were still mine. But when you died I thought I’d lost you forever. It made me want to die. I’m still every bit as much in love with you as I was when we were together.”

“You’re right Angel, on some level I will always be yours. I will never stop loving you but we have tried to make it work too many times and it hasn’t. Not just because you are a vampire and I’m a human but because the time isn’t right for us anymore. We’ll both be better off apart and loving other people.”

“Others! They is only you Buffy! There always has only been you! Even Darla didn’t mean a thing to me!”

Buffy stood up. “Go now, I don’t want to talk about this tonight.”

She went to bed leaving Angel sitting there feeling completely empty.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

Buffy couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned. So many thoughts were whirling around in her head. Was this real? Would it last? And if it did, what would she do?

For the last two years she had missed Angel so much but since her mom’s funeral she had finally come to terms with the fact it was over, forever.

What she didn’t know was how she felt about Spike. He loved her, he would die for her, do anything she asked. Could she pretend to herself for much longer that she wasn’t falling more than a little bit in love with him?

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

The next morning Buffy found Angel a sleep on her couch. She perched down besides him and whispered, “Good morning.”

Angel slowly opened his eyes, “Buffy.” His voice was filled with hurt as he remembered their argument the night before, her rejection. He sat up quickly, “I’ll go straight away.”

“But it’s daytime.” Buffy said, she hated feeling like she had driven him away.

“The car windows are blacked out, if you’ll lend me a blanket to use while I run to the car”

“Uh, I’ll get one.”

She ran upstairs. When she returned a moment later with the blanket he was standing at the door.

“Thanks.” He took it.

Buffy felt awful, “Don’t leave like this, hating me.”

He smiled, “I’d never hate you. And you know if you ever chance your mind…”

She shook her head, “I won’t, this is goodbye, I want you to be free as well, not always wondering if maybe some day we’ll get back together.”

“Then goodbye.” He kissed her cheek quickly, threw the blanket over his head and ran to his car.

Buffy stood in the door watching until he was out of sight.

When she was sure he was gone she turned around to go back inside. Sitting on the stairs looking down at her was Dawn.

“You shouldn’t have been watching that.” She said angrily.

“Well if I hadn’t seen it I wouldn’t have believed it, you finally broke up with him for real.”

Buffy tried to fight the tears that she wanted to cry, “I wish I’d never come back!” She muttered and ran upstairs, pushing past Dawn to get to her room.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Spike was restless all day. He wanted, needed, to see Buffy. Straight after sunset he left his crypt and made his way to the Summer’s house.

Dawn opened the door, “Hey Spike.”

“Evening Half Pint!” He grinned. “Big sis home?”

“Upstairs, she’s been hiding in her room all day. This morning she sent Angel back to LA and now she doesn’t even want to see her friends.”

Spike’s eyes lit up, “She sent Angel away?”

He didn’t wait for an answer but jogged upstairs to Buffy’s room. He knocked on the door.

From inside Buffy called, “Dawn, I told you I didn’t want to talk.”

Spike pushed the door open, “It’s not Dawn, it’s me.”

“Spike!” She exclaimed. “I didn’t want to talk to anyone!”

“Well I wanted to talk to you, last night before Angel said something to you I thought you were going to say something to me.”

“Well I wasn’t!”

“And today you sent the great poof packing. I think we need to talk.”

“I don’t.”

“Well I don’t bloody care if you do or not because we’re going to!” Spike shouted.

Buffy sat down on the end of her bed and let the tears she’d been fighting all day flow freely, “I’m so confused!” She sobbed. “It’s hard enough to understand why I’m here, let alone to make sense of how I feel! Before I died, that night when you came back to my house to get weapons and you said you knew I’d never love me, I wanted to say something, but I didn’t because I knew it wasn’t fair when we were about to go into a battle that would risk all our lives. I promised myself I’d talk to you if we both survived.”

Spike sat beside her and gently wiped away hers tears, “What did you want to say?”

“That I might love you.”

“Might?”

“Do. Not in the conventional, normal way, but in this crazy way, that’s totally illogical and mad!”

He laughed, “I guess crazy, illogical and mad love is better than conventional and normal, less boring and all!”

She laughed too, “But what do we do? There are so many problems, you’re a vampire, I’m a slayer, my friends will think I’m crazy…”

“We could start with this.” Spike suggested and softly kissed her, “And we’ll just see how it goes.”

The End