Her Deepest Secrets

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Finally I have a moment to myself. So far besides talking to Spike this is the only place I can say what I truly feel. It was hard for me to tell them that lie. All my friends just stood there as I lied to them and they never questioned me. Part of me was screaming to yell at them. Scream and yell and throw things at them all for being selfish. I wanted to hurl whatever I could at them and tell them how much I hated what they had done. How I hated being ripped away from the only real peace I've ever known. If there was a way to put me back and make sure they left me there, I'd find it.

Then as they stood there, all so happy to see me, how could I stand there and tell them where I really was? Tell them that I was with mom and I was happy. They already had their own ideas about where I was and what I went through. They just assumed the worst. They never even hoped for the good. After all I've done since my calling, don't I deserve some time off? Did they even realize that when I came back I would be still in my coffin? Coffin. That word already gave me the Heebie jeebies. My heart beats a little bit faster then I like to call normal when I hear it. My hands look way better today. I can
still remember the way they would sting each time one of them wanted to see how bruised they were.

Dawn said that when I was gone it was bad. Their lives were that bad just because I was gone? I have to be honest right now and say so what! I mean come on. Can't I die in peace? If I have a heart attack when I'm 80 is Willow going to perform another resurrection spell to bring me back just to make their lives easier? I'll have to outlive them all just to stay dead and buried. You know what, I think this time I want cremated. That way if I do die and they bring me back I'll just have to break out of an urn. That's not a biggie. I'll be bigger than it so naturally it will just break. See, no more bloody hands. Score one for the Slayer.

You know what, I'm making that a thing in my Will. No one can raise me from the dead and I want to be cremated. See me making a note of this. You can't tell me that the Watcher's Council would let the Hellmouth go unprotected. They could have gotten Faith out or changed the rules and called a new Slayer. I did my job, period. Let me rest. Nope, not for Buffy, she always gets the weight of the world on her shoulders. I feel like just going away where they can't bother me. About the only place I can go for that is over to Spike's. He listens to me. Some nights he rambles about who knows what. I'm not always
listening. Its just nice to be accepted and not poke or prodded
mentally. He asked me once if I was fine. Now its up to me to tell him how I'm feeling. I like that. I mean I know they meant well. I just wish they had thought it through a lot more than they did.
Buffy

The water pipes broke in the house today. I thought I could fix it. Then again maybe slayer powers are a bad thing when it comes to tightening pipes. Dawn got blasted with water though, that was defiantly a highlight of the day. I'm not so sure I'm happy with Willow and Tara staying here. I mean I'm back right? Dawn is safe, no more Hell God to worry about. They can move out. I've got all these bills to pay and since they live here they could pitch in a little. Or is that bad of me? Its just I get this wiggy feeling every time I'm near Willow lately. Besides the fact that she's been saying the most off key stuff to piss me off, something else is wrong. I should talk to Giles about it.

Spike came over tonight. I'm going to have to get him an ashtray for outside. Leave it to him to make me laugh though. Just when I feel my worst he's there to make me feel better. Why is that? Why is it always him? Not that I mind it being Spike. It's nice to have someone understand you and not question your every thought and move.

Angel called yesterday. We met at this little run down Drive-In
between here and LA. I can tell you Spike was none too happy when I insisted on borrowing that old car of his.(mom's was in the shop for inspection? I think that's what Xander told me) He still had his bike. I don't know what his problem was. All the sudden he was all angry and short. After all the nice time we have been spending lately it really upsets me that he was like that. I hope he's in a better mood when I bring the car back. Angel and I talked about things. I didn't tell him the truth either. I didn't have to. I think he saw it in my eyes. I could never lie to him. I really don't know why I felt like keeping it from him. I can usually tell him everything. It was nothing like when mom died and he was there. There's still the comfortable feeling, but now it's more like he's an old friend and not that lost love I'll never have. Angel made a point. We can't keep
hanging on to something we know we can never have. Its time to let go of it all now, I'm a big girl and I need to quit pining for a prince that will never come. I have to go. Dawn is making popcorn. I know how that's going to end up, later, Buffy

Well things are back to normal. Spike and I had our first little
argument since I've been back. He insisted I put a dent in the car. Which I did not! (Like it would matter anyhow that thing is so old! And who gave him eagle eyes anyhow!) Actually Angel bumped Spike's door with his. Somehow I figured that would only make things worse if I told Spike that Angel did it. And he threw a fit about me not putting gas in it. Can I say he is infuriating?! I gave him gas money at least. Normally he would not care. I guess the whole Angel thing makes him a little upset.

I'm sure Spike still loves me. He never said he didn't. That would explain why he got so short with me tonight. He even knew how many days I was gone. Not with Angel gone I mean dead gone. (Wow that sounds strange) He has to still love me. And as I'm writing this I realize why do I care? Oh that's it, no more writing for me tonight. I'm going to go patrolling. I don't need to think about how I feel about Spike. I'll write later, Buffy

I'm back already. I went to see him tonight and he was trashed. Why should it take me by surprise? He's always like that. He hasn't been since I came back though. At least not that I've noticed. There was such pain behind his eyes though. I wonder if Spike…I don't know what I wonder about Spike. I wanted to be there for him like he was for me. I guess he's just not that sharing kind of guy. He said he wanted to be alone. So I left. Now I'm here wishing I were there helping him. I wanted to tell him about where I was for the past few months. The pretty shades of pink and violet that were the sky. How everything was soft and subtle. And quiet. There was an endearing
quiet that surrounded me. I wanted to tell him…

"Slayer?" She put her pen down and slid the book away from her. In the mirror of the desk she stared at nothing. No reflection. Vampire. Spike. She turned to him from in her seat. "Spike?" She noticed he looked tired. Did vampires get tired? Do they sleep just because there is nothing for them to do during the day? Spike sauntered over to her slowly. "Slayer, I wanted to tell you…" He paused then to just stare down at her. she's always going to be in your blood mate, one way or another. Spike sank to his knees then. Buffy looked at him and understood. Open arms welcomed him to bury his face to her chest and hug her till he cried. His strong arms were wrapped around her tiny body securely.

Silent they sat there, knowing and understanding each other's pain. Silently sharing what each other were too proud to say out loud. Feeling his body shudder periodically from a sobbing ultimately prompted her to also cry a from time to time. When her tears came as fluently as his, Spike stopped. He carried her to her bed and laid her down, holding her as she wept. When there were no more tears, no more hurt for the time at hand, Buffy glanced back and gave him a thank you smile. Nodding to her he thanked her as well. Buffy settled against him till she was comfortable. A peaceful sleep would shroud the two for the night until in the morning they awoke wrapped in each other's arms under a comforter that was placed there by Dawn overnight.

"You awake luv?"

"Yes, do I have to be?"

"No. Want to sleep all day?"

Buffy nestled her head back on his chest. Spike wriggled a bit to
avoid the sun creeping through the windows. Sleeping the day away sounded like a good plan.

~~Fin~~