Redefining Normal
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Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. I borrow them all and let my imagination run wild. Please don’t hold it against me.
Author’s Note: This is a third installment in my Bound By Destiny series. It continues on from where I left off in Confronting Destiny. In this story Angel finally makes an appearance. I think it finally needed to be done. Hope you enjoy.
Redefining Normal
Buffy silently walked among the racks of dresses in the bridal shop. She stopped and looked at a particularly pretty dress. It was simple, with off the shoulder sleeves and long flowing skirt. No ruffles or ugly bows. Just plain white satin with tiny embroidered flowers along the neckline.
She pulled it off the rack and inspected it. This one is nice… She said to herself.
She turned around and held it up.
“What about this one, Anya?” She called out to the girl who was frantically grabbing dresses off the racks.
Anya looked over.
“Oh! That one is very pretty. Here, give it to me. I’ll put it with all the others.” She told her yanking it out of her hand.
Buffy sighed. She had been here all morning with Anya trying to pick out the perfect wedding dress. Willow and Tara sat on a small loveseat in the corner of the room thumbing through bridal magazines. Buffy went over to them and sat down roughly.
“This is getting boring. Why can’t she just pick a dress already?” Buffy pouted.
“It’s a big thing, Buffy. I mean, she probably just wants to make sure it’s gonna be perfect.” Willow told her with a smile.
“I know, but she’s tried on at least five ‘perfect’ ones already.” Buffy said.
Willow and Tara just shrugged and continued looking at their magazines.
Soon, Anya came out of the dressing room wearing one of the dresses she had chosen. She modeled it for everyone.
“So, what do you think of this one? It’s kind of nice, isn’t it?” She asked with a smile.
They all looked at her and agreed that it was very pretty.
“I like that one. It makes you look sorta like a princess.” Tara said with a smile.
“Oh, I like the sound of that.” Anya said admiring herself in the mirror. She whirled around. “Okay. I think I’ve narrowed it down to this one and three others.”
“Finally. Which three?” Buffy asked, hoping that they were nearing the end of their dress shopping experience. She wasn’t sure why she was so bothered by being there. She normally loved shopping. She hated herself for even thinking it, but she had to admit that maybe she was just a little jealous of Anya. She pushed that thought out of her head guiltily.
“These three.” Anya told them holding the dresses up. “Now, I thought I’d be able to choose better if I could see them all at once, you know? Would you guys model them for me?” She asked with a desperate smile.
Willow jumped up happily.
“Oh! This sounds like fun. It’ll be like playing dress up.” She smiled.
Tara sat back nervously.
“I-I don’t know. I never pictured myself in one of those. You know, gay and everything.” She said sheepishly.
“Come on Tara. It’ll be fun.” Willow said grabbing her hand and pulling her over.
“Buffy? Will you wear this one?” Anya asked, holding out the dress that Buffy had picked out earlier.
She stood to her feet slowly and took the dress.
“Sure.” She said softly as she went into the dressing room.
Buffy pulled the dress on and zipped it up. She stood back admiring the way it flowed around her. She couldn’t help but want to twirl around it. She whirled around and looked into the mirror again with a smile. Her smile quickly faded when the realization hit her.
“I’m never going to get married…” She said to her sad reflection. “My boyfriend doesn’t even have a birth certificate…” She pouted to herself. She forced herself to snap out of it. She shouldn’t be thinking like this. It wasn’t like she wanted to get married or anything. She was way too young. But still, part of her yearned for the dream that she feared she’d never achieve.
She walked out of the room slowly and saw Will, Tara and Anya in their dresses laughing and fussing with them. They all turned to look at her as she approached.
“Wow. I like that one.” Willow said watching her.
“Yes. That one is elegant and not too froofy.” Anya said, going over to inspect it carefully.
“Does it make you feel like a princess?” Tara asked with a smile. She was actually enjoying the little game of dress up.
Buffy looked at her and smiled. Then she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She nodded her head.
“I do feel like a princess…” She said softly.
Anya finally decided on a dress. In the end she had chosen the one she had already been wearing. All the girls took off their dresses and returned them to the racks. Anya waltzed happily outside with her dress slung over her arm.
“That was such hard work. I always thought it would be easier than that, you know?” Anya said happily.
“Xander is gonna drool when he sees you.” Willow told her with a smile.
“I hope not. This dress cost a lot of money. I wouldn’t want him to get anything on it.” Anya said seriously and everyone just rolled their eyes at her. Sometimes she was so literal.
“So tomorrow I thought we’d all meet again and this time pick out bridesmaid dresses. What do you think?” Anya asked them excitedly.
“Sure.” Will and Tara said together.
Buffy was lost in thought and didn’t answer.
“Buffy? Is that alright?” Anya asked her, wondering why she seemed so far away.
“What?”
“Bridesmaid dresses? Tomorrow?”
“Oh. Sure I guess so.” She told her unenthusiastically.
“Great! This is so much fun.” Anya said happily.
Buffy just smiled. She was excited for Anya and Xander too. She had been thrilled when they had finally made their announcement a few months ago. But Buffy still felt a small pang of envy.
Buffy walked into her house and threw her stuff onto the couch. Dawn peeked her head out of the kitchen.
“Is that you Buffy?” She called out.
“It’s me. What are you doing in there? I know you’re not cooking because the smoke alarm isn’t going off.” Buffy teased her.
“Very funny.” Dawn said coming out to the living room. “I didn’t know when you’d be back so I ordered pizza. There’s still some left.”
“Thanks. I’m starved. I had a long day of wedding shopping and let me tell you, it’s exhausting. And it isn’t even my wedding.” Buffy told her with a smile.
“Well, maybe it’ll be your turn soon.” Dawn said with an innocent smile.
“Oh, please, Dawn. As if I’d marry Spike.” She said rolling her eyes. “Besides, vampires don’t get married.”
“Why not? You were gonna marry him before.” Dawn teased her.
“Willow’s spell? Please Dawnie. It wasn’t like we were big with the reality back then.” Buffy rolled her eyes.
“Still… Why wouldn’t you want to marry him. You love him, don’t you?” Dawn asked her curiously.
Buffy thought for a moment and looked at Dawn.
“Of course I love him. But marriage? He doesn’t quite strike me as the marrying type. Besides, he’s a vampire, remember? Till death do us part kinda doesn’t have the same meaning for him. He’s gonna live forever and I’m gonna get wrinkly and old. That is if another apocalypse doesn’t get to us first. Which in that case, none of this matters anyway.” Buffy rambled on.
“Okay. Point taken.” Dawn said rolling her eyes. “But I bet he’d look all cute and stuff in a tux.” Dawn giggled to herself.
Buffy had to laugh at that image. She just couldn’t imagine him in anything but his usual attire especially a tuxedo.
“He would be cute…” Buffy said thinking about it to herself.
Cordy, Angel and Wesley sat alone at the hotel. It was a slow night in Los Angeles. Resident evil seemed to be on holiday. Cordy filed her nails and Angel was reading a book while Wesley tended to some paperwork.
“Man, I am so bored.” Cordy said to no one in particular.
“Why don’t you just go home, Cordy?” Angel said, not looking up from his book.
“Because, it’s boring there too. At least here I have someone to complain to. Dennis doesn’t like it when I whine.” She said.
“We know how he feels.” Wesley said under his breath.
“I heard that.” She snapped back at him.
Angel just shook his head in amusement and continued to read. He was lost in the reading and his own thoughts. He had found out about Buffy’s return several months ago. Willow had called him and told him the unbelievable news. She had rambled on about prophecies and tests. He knew those sort of terms well.
He had wanted to see her right away, but wasn’t sure what to say to her. He had instead settled on a phone call. The sound of her voice had brought tears to his eyes and he wanted so badly to see her. She had assured him that she was doing well, and that seeing each other would only complicate things again.
He reluctantly agreed with her. They had kept up phone conversations for a few weeks after, but then she had told him that they were headed back towards something neither of them could deal with again. She had thought it best that they just stop and leave things the way they were before. Separate lives, was what she had said.
When he had learned that she died, he’d been completely devastated. He had gone briefly back to Sunnydale to see everyone and to visit her grave. He had missed the funeral while he and the others had been stuck in Pylea. No one had said much to him. They had all been numb with grief and shock, just as he had been.
He hated thinking about that now and only concentrated on the fact that she was alive again and apparently doing well. It warmed him in the knowledge that she was still out there living even if she wasn’t in his life anymore.
Just then Cordy dropped her nail file and grabbed her head in pain. Angel and Wesley rushed to her side. The images flashed before her eyes rapidly and she tried to make sense of them.
“What did you see?” Angel asked concerned.
“I saw some vampires, a group of them. They’re in a graveyard. There was a girl there. She was blonde…It was Buffy!” She shouted out.
“Is she in danger? Cordy?” Angel asked frantically. Losing her now would send him over the edge.
“I don’t know. Someone else was there…It…It was Spike! And he grabbed her and I think…I think he was biting her?” Cordy said perplexed, she couldn’t quite make out the conclusion of the vision, but she assumed that he was trying bite her. What else would he being doing?
“Spike? I’m gonna kill him.” Angel fumed grabbing his coat and heading for the door.
“Wait! Where are you going?” Cordy asked him.
“Where do you think? Sunnydale. Buffy needs me. I just hope I won’t be too late.”
“We’ll come too.” Wesley piped up.
“No. This is something I have to do myself. Something I should have done a long time ago.” Angel said angrily as he marched out the door.
Angel had made record time speeding down the highway. He made the trip in less than two hours and parked his car downtown. He realized that in his haste to leave, he didn’t bother to ask Cordy if she knew which cemetery it was. He cursed to himself and wondered if he should just call her. But then it might be too late. He set off on foot to comb all the cemeteries he knew Buffy patrolled.
Buffy and Spike walked slowly though the graveyard. She was twirling her stake and he was watching her with a smile.
“So, Luv, you want to call it a night? There’s not much action tonight, and I can think of some other more ‘active’ things we could be doing.” He said with a seductive smile.
She punched his arm.
“Maybe later.” She teased him. Then she shook her head. “No, I get the weird feeling that this is some sort of calm before the storm. I don’t know why but my senses are telling me that something big is gonna happen tonight. I can feel it.” She said kind of creeped out by the strange feelings she was having.
“Whatever you say, Slayer.” Spike said shrugging and glancing around.
They walked for a little while longer until they came across a small group of vampires huddled near the opening of a crypt.
“Looks like maybe you were right.” Spike whispered to her.
They approached and the attack began quickly. Punches were thrown, kicks were made, and vampires were dusted. All in all, the face off lasted only a short time before Buffy and Spike stood there alone again dusting themselves off.
“Well, that was almost too easy.” Spike said shaking his head.
“Yeah. It was kind of a let down.” Buffy said shaking her head. She still had the weird feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“So that was the so called ‘storm’ you were talking about?” He asked with a smirk.
“I guess.” She said shrugging her shoulders.
Spike looked at her and smiled. He reached out and grabbed her into his arms.
“Come here.” He said to her with lust in his eyes.
She laughed and tried to push him away teasingly. He held on tighter and she struggled playfully against his grasp.
“Don’t look at me like that.” She joked with him.
“I can’t help it. You’re just so sexy after you fight.” He purred into her ear.
They continued to joke with each other this way while he held onto her tightly. Angel walked up from the shadows and saw them in the distance. He witnessed Spike grab Buffy and saw her trying to push him away. He felt the anger mounting inside as he broke off into a run.
Spike leaned into Buffy and attempted to kiss her neck. Just then, Angel hurled himself through the air and tackled Spike to the ground roughly. Buffy jumped back completely startled by this sneak attack. She drew her stake and rushed over.
“I am gonna kill you this time, Spike!” Angel shouted as he pummeled his fists into Spike’s face.
“Angel?” Buffy asked completely baffled about the turn of events. Now she knew where the uneasy feeling was coming from. This was not going to be pretty.
Angel either didn’t hear her or was ignoring her in his vengeful attack on Spike. Spike had been stunned and momentarily rendered useless against Angel’s assault, but he was snapping out of it. He kicked his legs up and tossed Angel off of him roughly. He jumped to his feet.
Angel quickly rose and they squared off violently against each other. Buffy stood there too numb to move at first.
“Stop it!” She shouted. “Angel! Leave him alone.”
Angel turned his head to face her and Spike took the opportunity to deal a good blow to Angel’s cheek. Angel growled at Spike and lunged forward. Buffy sighed loudly and rolled her eyes.
She watched as the two vampires attempted to beat each other senseless. Finally she had had more than enough.
“I said ‘Stop it’!” She shouted as she went over and kicked Angel in the stomach and punched Spike in the face, effectively separating them.
They both stumbled back in opposite directions and landed on the ground. They both looked at her with their full game faces on. She shook her head and looked to the sky.
“This can’t be my life…” She muttered unhappily to whatever power was listening to her.
Angel stood to his feet first.
“Buffy, are you alright? What’s going on? I saw him trying to bite you.” He said beginning to get confused.
“I wasn’t trying to bite her, you wanker.” Spike hissed angrily as he got to his feet.
Buffy stood between them both holding out her arms, trying to prevent any further attacks.
“Right, Spike. I believe you.” Angel said sarcastically.
“He wasn’t trying to bite me.” Buffy said pointedly to him.
Angel looked at her perplexed and then over at Spike who had a smug look on his face.
“What was he doing then?” Angel asked, not certain he wanted to know.
“I was kissing my girl.” Spike said smugly.
Buffy shot him a look that could kill, and Spike stopped smiling. Angel stood there with a look of disbelief on his face that was once again human.
“You were whatting your who?” Angel asked shaking his head to try and clear his mind.
“Angel…” Buffy started but then had no idea what else to say.
“Do you want to tell him or shall I?” Spike asked looking at Angel with evil satisfaction. There was no love lost between the two of them and Spike was enjoying watching him squirm.
Buffy turned to him sharply.
“Just shut up, Spike.” She said to him angrily. He was making a horrible moment even worse for her.
“Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going here?” Angel asked looking at Buffy imploringly.
“Angel, it’s sort of a long story…” Buffy started uncomfortably.
“Wait. You don’t actually mean that he’s telling the truth, do you?” Angel asked angrily.
“Kinda stings to know you’ve been replaced, doesn’t it, mate?” Spike laughed. “I guess you weren’t the only vampire she found irresistible.”
But his laughter was short lived when Angel socked him across the face again. Spike attempted to fight back but Buffy grabbed him.
“You are not helping.” She said to him in a low, angry voice. “Just go home.”
Spike looked extremely hurt by her words and tried to plead with her with his eyes.
“Buffy…” He started.
“Go. Now.” She said firmly.
“Just let me finish him off.” He pleaded to her. He hated that she was trying to make him leave.
“I’m not letting anybody finish anybody off.” She said angrily.
“Get out of here, Spike.” Angel said loudly, still completely confused as to what was actually going on.
“You don’t get to tell me what to do.” Spike said attempting to get into his face again. Buffy held him back.
“But I do. And I say go.” She said “Go home.”
He looked at her with hurt and anger. Then he looked at Angel who was giving him a look that could only be described as murderous. Spike let out a defeated sigh and glared at Angel.
“She’s my Slayer now, Angel. Don’t forget that.”
He turned and walked away seething with jealousy and hatred. Not to mention hurt feelings.
He muttered to himself angrily as he walked back towards his crypt.
“Oh look! Angel’s back in town. Spike, get lost. I need to be alone with poofy the wonder vamp.” He said mocking Buffy and hating Angel.
Angel and Buffy watched him walk away and Buffy turned to face an angry and confused Angel.
“I know this seems a little strange…” Buffy said sheepishly.
“Strange? No, this seems insane, Buffy. What the hell are you doing? And with Spike?” He asked shuddering at the thought.
“There is so much you don’t know Angel. So much, that I don’t even know where to start.” She said hopelessly as she sat down on top of a grave marker. “Spike is not the same as he was when you knew him.”
“Seemed the same to me.” Angel said bitterly rubbing his jaw where Spike had hit him.
“Well, he’s not. Didn’t Willow tell you anything about him? I know she’s the one who brought you back here…You know, after.” Buffy said softly. She knew her death was still a painful subject for him.
“No. We were sort of busy grieving for you at the time to chit chat about Spike.” He said bitterly.
“Well then I guess you don’t know about the chip either.” She told him.
“The what?”
“Guess not.” She muttered and looked at Angel’s bewildered expression. “Look, about two and half years ago, Spike was captured by the Initiative. Do you remember them? Riley worked for them?” She asked, trying to jog his memory.
Angel nodded his head slowly and she continued.
“Well, they were big into experiments and Spike was one of their lab rats, I guess. They put this chip thing in his head and now he can’t hurt humans, only demons.” She explained.
“You mean Spike can’t kill or feed?” Angel asked not understanding.
Buffy nodded and Angel started to laugh.
“What’s funny?” She asked curiously and getting irritated.
“This. This whole thing is funny. He actually convinced you guys that he’s what? Neutered?” Angel laughed.
“This isn’t a joke, Angel. It’s true. He’s been working with us ever since. Well, pretty much. I mean, we sort of paid him at first, but not anymore.” She said to him.
“Paid him? You guys paid him? Why didn’t you just kill him?” Angel asked shaking his head.
“Because. He was all helpless and stuff. I couldn’t kill him.” Buffy said sadly.
“You couldn’t kill him, so you decided to date him? This is insane, Buffy. Okay, say he really is ‘harmless’ that doesn’t mean he’s good. It doesn’t mean he’s your friend.” Angel protested.
Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes in frustration.
“Look, I’ve heard this all before from like a billion people. No, he’s not ‘good’ he’ll never be ‘good’. But he’s not evil, and he’s not dangerous. Not anymore. I trust him… and he loves me.” She added softly.
Angel’s amused smirk turned into a frown.
“He loves you?”
“Yes.” She whispered.
Angel threw his head back in frustration and began pacing around her.
“You actually believe that, Buffy? He has no soul. He doesn’t love anything, except blood.” Angel said bitterly, not wanting to accept anything she was saying.
“You’re wrong. You don’t know everything, Angel.” She said with tears starting to form in her eyes.
“Buffy, I do know. Before I had my soul…” He started to explain.
“Yeah, I know. I had a front row seat to Angelus, thank you very much. I know what you were like, but that’s not him. It’s never been him and you know it.” She said defensively.
“I can’t believe you’re defending him. Buffy, he’s a killer. And if what you say is true and he can’t do that anymore, then it just means he’s being held back. It doesn’t mean he’s changed. He can’t change.” He said holding his head and pacing.
“He has. I didn’t believe it at first. But the things he’s done? You wouldn’t understand. He was there with me through everything that happened with Glory…” She began to explain.
“Obviously he was trying to get into your pants.” Angel said evilly.
Buffy hauled off and punched him.
“Shut up.” She screamed at him.
“Well, it’s true Buffy, isn’t it? He doesn’t love you. You’re just a toy that he plays with. You’re a novelty. And he’s got you so blinded that you can’t even see that.” Angel said hurtfully.
“You are being a pig, Angel. You have no idea what he went through, for me and for Dawn. He was kidnapped by Glory and tortured for hours. He almost died, and yet he still protected Dawn. He never once even thought of handing her over to Glory when it would have been so easy for him. And he wasn’t trying to ‘get into my pants’ as you so eloquently put it. I had rejected him brutally. I told him he hadn’t a chance in hell with me. He didn’t even think that I’d know about what he did for us. And he didn’t care. He did it because he loved me.” She said with tears in her eyes at the frustration of the situation and the memory of what Spike had done. It was the first time she truly realized the depth of his devotion.
Angel softened his face as he absorbed her words. He didn’t know what to think or do. She was obviously convinced that Spike had changed, but Angel wasn’t buying it. It was a trick or an act. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. He shook his head.
“So, he withstood a little torture. Big deal. Speaking of torture, did I ever tell you what happened the last time I saw him? Oh yeah, he tortured me for a couple of hours looking the ring of Amara. It was a good time. You should have been there. He had a couple of nice things to say about you too. What was the little pet name he had for you? Hmm. Oh yeah, Slutty The Vampire Slayer. That’s pretty cute isn’t it?” Angel said hurtfully to her.
He could not believe she had become so deluded as to think that Spike had changed. Or that there was even a shred of good in him. It was unthinkable.
“Stop it. That was a long time ago. I’m not gonna defend the horrible things he’s done in the past any more than I’d defend the equally horrible things you’ve done.”
“But the difference is, I care about what I’ve done. Do you think he cares? Do you think he’s sorry for the people he’s killed? Sorry for torturing me? For trying to kill you?” He said shaking his head in dismay.
“I don’t know. I never asked. But I do know that he wouldn’t ever hurt me. Not anymore. And he’d never hurt Dawn. When I needed someone, he was there. He knew I would probably never think of him in any way except with disgust and loathing and he stuck by me. When I needed someone to protect Dawn, he was there. Willing to take on the job, despite the fact that I treated him like a piece of shit. He never gave up on me like you did.” She added, knowing it wasn’t entirely fair, but it felt true to her.
“That’s completely unfair. I never gave up on you. I wanted you to be happy.” He said to her with hurt in his eyes.
“Well then let me be happy. Let me make my own decisions. My own mistakes. I don’t need you to tell me how to run my life and who to trust, or who to…” She stopped, unable to finish her sentence.
“Buffy…Are you…do you love him?” He asked uncomfortably, feeling the ache of tears bubbling up in his eyes.
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. She hated seeing him so full of hurt and anger. It killed her to know that she was doing this to him. She didn’t know why he had come here at all. She had made it clear to him that she wanted to keep their distance. She never intended for him to find out about any of this.
She nodded her head slowly, almost shamefully.
“Yes.” She managed to whisper.
Angel lowered his and tried to contain the emotion he was feeling. He was overcome with sorrow, loss, anger and confusion. The bitter sting of jealousy consumed him. It was all so overwhelming to him he didn’t know what to say.
“My god, Buffy…How did this happen? Why? I left you so that you could have a normal life. I wanted you to move on and be happy. I wanted you to be able to have all the things you wanted. I didn’t leave just so you could hook up with another vampire. Especially one like Spike.” He said shaking his sadly.
He was trying to understand, but it wasn’t easy. This was the woman he loved so much and she was standing before him telling him that she had moved on. And not only moved on, but with someone who was beneath her. Someone that he hated. Someone he had felt certain that they both hated. Nothing made sense.
“I know. But see Angel, you never asked me what I wanted. You said you were leaving because it was best for me. You never bothered to stop and ask me what I thought was best for me, because you thought you already knew.”
“But you did want a normal life, didn’t you? The husband, the kids, the dog? The whole thing. I couldn’t give you that and Spike sure as hell can’t give you that. I thought you had found something good with that Riley guy. What happened? What happened to ‘normal’?” He asked her desperately.
Buffy laughed cynically.
“Well Angel, ‘normal’ decided that I wasn’t attentive enough for him. Or maybe I intimidated him? I don’t really remember seeing as how he ran off to Brazil or Belize or some other jungly place just to get away from me.” She said angrily. “Oh yeah, and Mr. So-called normal, he got his kicks by paying vampires to bite him. Guess I didn’t hold his interest enough because he would sneak out of my bed just to get bitten by some vampire whore. So then, I just sorta figured normal wasn’t working out for me.”
Angel listened to her angry tirade. He could feel the pain in her voice. He couldn’t believe that he would do that to her. That anyone would do that. He wanted to pull her into his arms so badly, but he didn’t. It wasn’t what she wanted.
“I’m sorry, Buffy. I didn’t know.”
“How could you know?” She asked with resentment in her voice. Then she shrugged her shoulders. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m over him. I don’t know that I ever really loved him. Not like I loved you anyway.” She added softly.
“Do you still love me?” He asked knowing it wasn’t a fair question, but still feeling the need to utter the words.
She looked at him sullenly. A million thoughts running through her head. Just when she thought she had found some sort of peace in her life, Angel had to show up and complicate things again. Everything about him invoked pain in her heart. The way she had loved him, the way he had left her, and the way he had hurt her. Everything was painful and she didn’t want to deal with it.
“Angel, you know I will always love you. Always. I’ll never stop thinking of you or wondering about you. There will always be a place for you deep in my heart. But…but it’s over, Angel. You and me…Well, there is no ‘you and me’ anymore. You were my first love…But you’re not my last or my only. I’m sorry.” She said, softly tears running down her cheeks.
Angel tried to hold back the tears but found it harder and harder to do. His eyes glistened as he stared at her.
“Are you sure this is what you want? I mean, I understand what you’re saying. About us, anyway. But, I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to have to feel pain like the pain I caused you. This thing with Spike? It’s not a good thing. I don’t care how much torture he endured, or how many helpful things he’s done. He’s still a monster, Buffy. He’s not a man.”
“No. You don’t know him like I know him. I realize it makes no sense. I know what he is. I know what he’s done and what he’s capable of. He’s not like that anymore. I know you can’t understand that, because he’s not like you. He has done so many things in the past year that defy logic or reasoning. I know he doesn’t have a soul, but he doesn’t need one. He has a heart. A huge one. And even if it isn’t beating, it still feels.” She explained.
“But it isn’t the same.” He shook his head.
“No it isn’t the same. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t count. And you said you wanted me to be happy? Well, I am happy. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. The feelings I have…They aren’t logical and of course they’re a little dangerous, but they’re real.”
“Do you want me to give my approval? You want me to say I’m happy for you? I can’t. Mostly I’m just sad about it.” He said softly to her.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but there isn’t anything I can do. This is my life and I’m going to live it the way I want to. If I’m crazy, then I’m crazy. I’m on borrowed time here, Angel. I’m not even supposed to be here. I was dead. Like big time dead. Not just for a minute but for months. I’m not going waste the time I have here. I could sit around and fight the way I feel, but where would that lead me? More pain, more despair. I’d rather live each day like there is no tomorrow. Because let’s face it, for me there might not be a tomorrow. I don’t want to die again with any regrets.” She told him, finding her peace again.
He looked at her and closed his eyes. He was hearing what she was saying and trying to see her point of view. He didn’t like to hear her talking about death and dying again, but they both knew it was just a fact of life. Her life especially. The girl he had loved so much was gone now. She had died. He knew that now. In her place was a woman who was stronger and knew what she wanted out of life. She wasn’t a child anymore.
“Buffy, I love you. I never stopped. And if this is what you want, then…” He couldn’t finish the words. He just couldn’t give her his approval.
“It isn’t what I want.” She said softly and he looked at her curiously. “It’s what I need.” She smiled softly.
He nodded his head to her sadly. She took his hand in hers and gave it a loving squeeze. She leaned up and kissed him softly. It was a kiss goodbye, he realized. She pulled back and smiled at him. Then she turned and slowly walked away. He watched her leave without another word. This time it was really over.
He wasn’t entirely sure why the Powers had given Cordy this vision. He had thought he was coming here to help Buffy and to save her. Instead, he had had his heart ripped out. Then it suddenly dawned on him. He wasn’t there to save her. He was there to free her. To let her go, once and for all.
She needed closure with him. True closure, not like what they had before. He had come here to see what he would never have believed otherwise. He needed to be free too. He couldn’t keep holding onto her when he knew it was futile. Their lives were never meant to be together. No matter what they had wanted.
They had both needed this. He realized that now. The Powers knew it too.
Buffy lay on her bed staring at the ceiling. She was still reeling from seeing Angel again. He had brought with him so much confusion and heartache for her. And then there was Spike. He had sulked off to his crypt and she knew he was probably furious that she had told him to leave.
She had just wanted to deal with Angel alone. Spike and Angel were like two ticking time bombs. Put them together and it wasn’t going to turn out well. Their problems went far beyond her. The two had known each other for over a century, and it was a century filled with bad blood between them.
She sighed and looked at the clock. It was almost two am. She knew she should be getting some sleep, but her mind wouldn’t turn off. She heard a small knock at her door and Dawn peeked her head in cautiously.
“Dawnie?”
“Are you alone, Buffy?” Dawn asked, hoping she wasn’t interrupting anything private.
“I’m alone. Dawn it’s way late. Why are you still up?” She asked her as she sat up.
“Well, I heard you come in and it was all quiet. Usually I hear laughing and gross kissing noises in the hallway.” She said teasing her sister.
“Okay…Note to self, be quieter.” She said with a cringe, not realizing Dawn was aware of so much.
“Where’s Spike? Did you guys have a fight or something?” She asked curiously. She knew that he was always around. He practically lived there now.
“No. Well, not exactly. It’s sort of complicated.” She said not really wanting to get into the whole ordeal again.
“Not exactly?”
Buffy sighed and looked at Dawn.
“We saw Angel tonight.”
“Oh…Oh, that’s not good, is it?” Dawn asked with a worried look.
“No. It really wasn’t good. It was awful. Angel was hurt and angry. Spike got all puffed up and smug. They beat each other up, I told Spike to leave, and Angel and I had a little talk.” She said, giving the condensed version.
“What did he say?” Dawn asked.
“Just that he thought I had lost my mind.” Buffy said sighing.
“Well, he doesn’t know everything. Spike’s different.” She said in defense of her favorite vampire.
“I know. I told him that. It was like talking to a brick wall.” Buffy said with a tiny smile. “But, he still loves me Dawnie. That was the hardest part.”
“Do you still love Angel?” She asked her curiously.
Buffy nodded her head.
“I always will. When I see him…It’s just so painful. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt.”
“So what about Spike? You guys aren’t breaking up or anything are you?” Dawn asked, becoming worried.
“No, Dawn. See, that’s the thing. When I see Angel, it hurts. When I see Spike…I smile. It doesn’t hurt being with him. And I don’t know, maybe it should hurt, but it doesn’t. With Angel it was always about pain and heartbreak. With Spike, even when he was driving me crazy, it wasn’t painful.” She said thoughtfully.
“Good. I’m glad you guys aren’t gonna break up.” Dawn said with relief.
“Would that bother you?” Buffy asked curiously.
“Well, yeah. I mean, I like him and stuff. He’s funny and cool. I know he’s a vampire and all, but he’s always been nice to me. And he makes you happy.” Dawn added with a smile.
“I know.” Buffy said softly.
“So, maybe you should go see him? He probably thinks that you and Angel ran off together. He’s probably real mad and hurt. He tends to be sorta jealous.” Dawn said seriously.
“How do you know?”
“Well, he told me. I told you before that he tells me everything, Buffy.” Dawn told her with a smile.
Buffy rolled her eyes hoping Spike didn’t actually tell her sister everything about their lives together.
“I’ll see Spike later. Right now, I just want to sleep. I can talk to him later.”
“Why don’t you just talk to me now?” Spike asked from the doorway. He had just walked up to hear the end of their conversation.
“Spike? What are you doing here?” Buffy asked, slightly irritated.
“Sorry, Luv. I let myself in. I was happy to see you hadn’t changed the locks yet. Or added any magical barriers.” He said sarcastically to mask his hurt feelings.
Buffy looked at him sadly, knowing that she had hurt him earlier. Dawn shifted uncomfortably.
“I think it’s time for me to leave.” She mumbled and walked out closing the door behind her.
“Spike…” Buffy started.
“No, save it. Angel’s back. I understand. I’ll just step out of the way so you and soul man can catch up on old times.” He said bitterly.
“It’s not like that.” She protested.
“Really? Seemed like it to me.” He said angrily. “It’s always Angel, isn’t it? I am so sick of living in his bloody shadow!”
“You’re not in his shadow.” She told him, seeing how upset he was.
“Please! Yes I am. I have loved exactly two women in my unlife. Both of which loved him first and loved him better apparently. Every time he shows up, suddenly I don’t seem as appealing anymore. He walks into the room and suddenly the earth stops turning. I’m tossed aside like the bleedin’ garbage.” He fumed to her. He had more than a hundred years of jealous rage towards Angel and it was all spilling out.
“I didn’t toss you aside, Spike. I just…It was just too awkward to have you there. Besides, you were making it worse, trying to rub his nose in it.” She said angrily.
“Just wanted him to have a taste of his own medicine. He always enjoyed rubbing my nose in the fact that Drusilla wanted him more. Maybe it just felt good to know that for once, I had a little of that power. But it was stupid, because I don’t. He’s still better than me. I’ve always been lacking something, haven’t I? I’m not evil enough, or now I’m not tortured enough. Always something.” He said running his fingers through his hair in exasperation.
Buffy listened to him speak and felt instantly bad. She knew that he and Angel had a troubled past, to say the least. But she had never really realized the full extent of the rivalry or the jealousy.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. That’s not how it is. Not for me.” She said softly.
“Oh, it’s not that way, is it? You take one look at him and send me on my way. What am I supposed to think? Where is the great poof anyway? Is he hiding in the closet? You two gonna see if you can work around that pesky curse?” Spike said, deliberately trying to hurt her.
He couldn’t help himself. He was so mad that he had to lash out. She had made him feel like a little kid who got sent to his room for being bad. The way she had told him to leave had made him want to scream. And most of all, his pride had been badly wounded.
She felt like hitting him and normally she would have, but she just didn’t have the strength. Mentally or physically. She was tired of fighting and tired of explaining herself to everyone. Everyone wanted answers and reasons and explanations. She had nothing left to give.
“You know what? I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that. Me and Angel are over. We have been for a long time. I had already made my choice. But the way you’re acting is making me seriously doubt my decision.” She said exasperated.
“You made your choice?” He asked quietly, feeling his anger subsiding.
“There never even was a choice, really. Did you honestly think that I was just biding my time with you until Angel came along again? That I was settling for second best vampire? Do you really believe that when I look at you, I see Angel at all? You’re nothing alike. Just because you’re both vampires, doesn’t mean you share anything else in common. You couldn’t be more different if you tried.” She told him seriously and it was true. All of it.
Spike listened to her words and instantly felt like a complete moron. He had made a jealous fool of himself and he knew it. He hung his head down in embarrassment and remorse.
“I’m sorry Buffy. I just…It’s just that it always seems everything that I want, he gets. And if he doesn’t get it, he’ll just steal it away.” He said softly.
“You know, for someone who pretends that he’s so tough, you are awfully insecure. You need to get over that.” She told him seriously.
He looked at her, hurt again.
“Well, I have reasons for being this way, Buffy. It isn’t like I’m proud of it. How would you feel if someone you knew overshadowed your every move? Your every achievement? Wouldn’t it bother you?”
“Probably.” She said thoughtfully. “But this isn’t a competition. Angel has nothing to do with us. He never has. You’re the one I want to be with. Not him. It hasn’t been him for a very long time.”
He moved over to where she was sitting and sat down next to her. He reached out and touched her face gently. She smiled at him.
“I love you, Buffy. I just don’t want to lose you. That’s all. I know I make mistakes and I know that you deserve better…” He started to say to her sincerely.
“I deserve to be loved and cared for. I deserve to have someone that makes me laugh, and someone who keeps me on my toes. I deserve to have someone I can talk to about anything. Someone who will protect me without making me feel weak. I deserve all of that.” She told him quietly and he looked away from her not sure of what she would say next. “I already have all those things…With you.” She added with a smile.
He looked into her eyes visibly moved by her kind words and the sentiment behind them. He leaned forward and kissed her gently. She responded by pulling him closer. They laid down into the pillows and he held her tightly.
She looked up at him and smiled.
“I’m right where I want to be.” She told him softly.
“Me too.” He said to her stroking her hair.
Soon she had fallen asleep exhausted by the whole evening. He watched her peaceful look and wondered how he had gotten so lucky.
Two weeks later Buffy stood in the bridal shop once more. They had picked their dresses out earlier, but now they were having them fitted. Buffy was up on a pedestal while the tailor made adjustments.
Dawn stood next to her in a frilly pink dress, identical to the one Buffy wore. She was waiting her turn. She looked at Buffy and whispered.
“These dresses are awful. Why did you guys pick these?” She shifted uncomfortably in the taffeta. It made sounds when she moved.
“Trust me. This was the best choice. It was either this or yellow satin with a huge bow hanging from your butt.” Buffy said rolling her eyes.
Anya stood back and watched as all her bridesmaids stood around in their dresses. Willow and Tara were occupied by another tailor taking measurements.
“Aren’t these dresses pretty? They’re so feminine.” She smiled proudly.
“I feel like Little Bo Peep.” Willow said uncomfortably.
“Oh stop. You look gorgeous.” Anya said cheerfully.
“Who’s gonna be Xander’s best man?” Dawn asked curiously, trying to steer the conversation off the icky dresses.
She knew that Anya had asked Buffy to be her maid of honor out of sheer desperation. It wasn’t like they were best friends, but Anya felt she was a safe choice. Willow had been sort of involved with Xander in the past and that made Anya uncomfortable. Buffy had been the next best choice.
“Well, he doesn’t have one yet.” Anya said with irritation. They had been arguing over it for weeks. He had been procrastinating badly.
“He doesn’t have one yet? You guys are getting married in three months. Isn’t that one of the first things people do? Pick their best persons?” Buffy asked.
“Well, he doesn’t have a lot of male friends. Giles is giving me away, and well, he wanted to ask you Willow, but I pointed out that even though you sleep with a woman that you weren’t actually male.” Anya said matter of factly.
Willow shifted uncomfortably and looked at Tara who was giggling. Willow smiled at her.
“Then he thought about asking Oz, but then there’s the whole you and him factor. He thought you’d be uncomfortable, plus he has no idea where he is right now, so that didn’t work out.” Anya explained thoughtfully to Willow.
“Oh… Well, what about someone from work? Or one of his cousins?” Willow asked, trying to get the subject off of her.
“He asked his cousin Mark to be an usher and some guys of the guys from work, but you know, but he didn’t feel any of them were best man material. Honestly, we’ve been fighting about this forever. If he doesn’t choose someone soon it’s going to ruin everything. The pictures won’t look right, not to mention that the tradition will be ruined.” She said desperately.
“Why doesn’t he ask Spike?” Dawn asked innocently.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at her. Buffy started laughing.
“Oh, that’s a good one, Dawnie.” Buffy laughed.
“What’s so funny? Spike’s a guy and Xander has known him a long time.” Dawn said seriously.
“Xander hates Spike.” Anya said pointedly.
“Yeah, Dawnie, I think he’d rather pull a homeless guy off the street rather than ask Spike.” Willow chimed in.
“But it makes sense. Spike’s the only one who isn’t in the wedding and he is Buffy’s boyfriend.” Dawn said trying to get her point across.
“Dawn look, Xander and Spike are not friends. It took a lot of convincing get Xander to allow him to come to the wedding at all.” Buffy explained. She wished that all her friends would get along with Spike, but she knew it was a lot to ask.
“Whatever. It just seems stupid to me.” Dawn said rolling her eyes.
“I’m sure that Xander will make a choice soon. If not, well, there’s lots of homeless guys out there.” Buffy said with a smile and everyone laughed.
Willow, Tara, Anya, and Buffy sat together in the small restaurant. They had finished their dress fitting and Buffy had dropped Dawn back off at home. They wanted to have a girls night out, which was something they hadn’t done in a long time.
“This is so nice. Just us girls. What should we talk about? Boys?” Anya asked cheerfully.
“This isn’t Jr. High Anya. Besides, some of us don’t care about boys.” Willow said with a smile, glancing at Tara.
“Oh right. Forgot.” Anya said sheepishly. She was trying hard to fit in among them all, but it was still difficult for her. These were still mostly Xander’s friends and even though they had all become closer over time, it was still awkward for her.
Anya turned to Buffy.
“Well, we can still talk about boy’s right?” She asked with a smile.
Buffy rolled her eyes.
“I don’t wanna.” She said quietly.
“Is something wrong? Did you and Spike have a fight?” Willow asked.
Buffy shrugged.
“No. We’re fine. I’ve just been kind of blah lately.” She still hadn’t told anyone about Angel’s surprise visit.
“Is the sex not good anymore?” Anya asked seriously.
Everyone looked at her uncomfortably surprised.
Buffy shook her head.
“No…It has nothing to do with that.” She said uncomfortably.
“That’s good. Because when things get a little stale, Xander and I…” She started to explain but Willow cut her off.
“Too much information, Anya.” She said holding up her hand.
“It’s not Spike.” Buffy said, ignoring both of their comments. “It’s Angel. I saw him a few weeks ago.” She said quietly.
Everyone stared at her expectantly.
“He was here? Why didn’t you tell us? What happened?” Willow asked concerned. She knew that Buffy hadn’t told him about Spike and she assumed that the cat was effectively out the bag now, and that could never be a good thing.
“I should have told you guys, but I just didn’t want to talk about it. It was so hard. He knows about me and Spike.” She said softly.
“Well, Spike’s still breathing…Well, actually no, cause he doesn’t breathe, but he’s not a pile of dust, so Angel must have taken the news okay, right?” Willow asked hopefully, knowing that couldn’t be true.
“Oh yeah. He was real happy for me.” Buffy said sarcastically.
“So this is why you’ve been all distant lately?” Willow asked.
“Yeah. I mean, we worked things out…sort of. But he just got me to thinking. Maybe I am crazy being with Spike? I mean, it doesn’t feel crazy when I’m with him, but I know you guys think it’s nuts.” She said sadly. She had been in a state of inner turmoil ever since that night.
“We don’t think it’s nuts.” Willow said, trying to be of comfort.
“I think it’s sweet. I mean a Slayer who continually falls in love with vampires? It’s sort of tragic, yet beautiful.” Anya added.
“I don’t continually fall for vampires.” Buffy protested. “There was only the two.” She added softly.
“Buffy, I thought you were happy and everything.” Willow said.
“I am, Will. It’s just…Well, with all this stuff going on, with the wedding and all that. I guess I’m kind of wondering if I’m making the right choice. I mean, I want a wedding too someday. And with Spike? Well, that’s never gonna happen.” She said sadly.
“You’re jealous of my wedding?” Anya asked excitedly. She enjoyed it when people envied her.
“No.” Buffy said quickly, then sighed. “Well, a little. Is that so wrong? I mean, what girl doesn’t want the fairytale? I mean, you get to have the big party, and the pretty dress, and the perfect guy to love you forever…You’re lucky, Anya.” She said sincerely.
Anya smiled pleased with her comments. Willow touched Buffy’s arm.
“Buffy, you don’t have to get married to have the fairytale.” Willow said softly. Then she took Tara’s hand and looked at her lovingly. “Some of us just have to make our own fairytale. It isn’t about the party or the dress, it’s about love.” She said, speaking about her and Tara more than anything.
Buffy looked at them and smiled. She had never really stopped to think that she wasn’t the only one in a relationship that wasn’t headed for the altar.
“You’re right.” Buffy said softly.
“Willow and I know how we feel, and just because society tells us that we shouldn’t be together, or we shouldn’t love each other, it doesn’t matter. In our hearts, we’re already married.” Tara said softly looking at Willow. Willow leaned over and kissed her cheek softly. Then she turned to Buffy.
“She’s right. If you love Spike, who cares about any of it? You can make your own, unconventional little fairytale. Who cares about a wedding or a fancy dress. Marriage is just a stupid piece of paper anyway.” Willow said with a smile.
Buffy smiled. She was thankful for such good friends. They always made her feel better. Anya looked at them all and pouted.
“Hey! Whatever happened to being jealous of me and my stupid piece of paper?” She said with hurt feelings.
Buffy looked at her and sighed.
“Don’t worry, I’m still jealous.” She said trying to appease Anya.
Anya smiled satisfied, and everyone else rolled their eyes.
Dawn and Spike sat in the living room playing video games. He had stopped by looking for Buffy and when she wasn’t there, Dawn had convinced him to stay and play the new game she had gotten for her Playstation. She lured him in when she promised there was a lot of death and killing involved.
They sat there now battling each other to the death.
“You are so going down, Spike.” She teased him.
“I don’t think so, little one. You’re almost out of ammunition and I still have a stockpile of weapons.” He said evilly. He was enjoying this little game.
Just then, Dawn’s videogame counterpart blew Spike’s persona away. She yelled with glee.
“Hey, that’s not fair!” He protested. They had been playing for almost an hour and she had won every time.
“Sorry Spike. But you suck.” She teased him.
He growled at her playfully and she laughed at him.
Just then there was a knock at the door. Dawn jumped up to get it. She opened the door to see Xander standing there with a goofy grin.
“Hey Dawnster. Is Buffy here?” He asked.
“No, she’s out with the girls.” She said as Xander walked in.
He saw Spike sitting on the living room floor fiddling with the video game controls.
“So you and evil dead are just hanging out? Alone?” He asked, a little irritated.
“We were just playing Death Watch.” She said ignoring his evil dead comment.
“Death Watch? That new game?” Xander said excitedly.
“Yeah. You wanna play?” She asked him with a smile.
Xander nodded his head and walked into the room. Spike looked up at him and smiled.
“Be careful, mate. This one is brutal.” He said jokingly pointing to Dawn.
“Yeah, I’ve like killed Spike a billion times.” She said proudly.
“And sadly it’s only a game.” Xander said sarcastically.
Spike gave him a dirty look and moved aside so that Dawn and Xander could sit down. They started playing. Dawn was kicking ass yet again and Spike was making fun of the way Xander was playing.
“You’re just as sloppy here as you are out in the field. It’s a wonder you weren’t vampire food a long time ago.” Spike said with a smirk.
“Shut up, Spike. She kicked your ass too, what, like a billion times?” Xander shot back at him as he concentrated on staying in the game.
Just then, the phone rang. Dawn handed her controls over to Spike.
“Here. Kill each other. Maybe you’ll feel better.” She said under her breath as she went for the phone.
Spike and Xander stared each other down and then they both smiled. They were going to enjoy this.
Dawn picked up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey Dawnie.” Buffy said cheerfully. “Is everything okay at home? I was just checking in.”
“Yeah. Things are cool. Spike and Xander are here.” She said casually.
Just then the voices in the living room got louder.
“I am gonna rip your head off, mate!” Spike shouted.
“Oh yeah? Well, take that you evil bloodsucker!” Xander shouted maniacally.
“You shot me! That’s it, you’re dead!” Spike shouted.
Buffy listened in on the conversation and got a panicked look on her face.
“Dawn, what the hell is going on there? Xander shot Spike?” She asked worriedly. She knew they didn’t get along, but this was a little ridiculous.
“Yeah, they’re trying to kill each other. It’s pretty funny actually.” Dawn said with a laugh.
“Dawn! What?” Buffy asked ready to throw the phone down and rush over there.
“Relax, Buffy. They’re playing Death Watch.” Dawn said rolling her eyes. “Geez, you didn’t think they were seriously killing each other, did you?”
Buffy sighed in relief and then felt stupid.
“Of course not.” She said feeling like and idiot. “Death Watch? They’re playing video games? Together? Xander and Spike?” She asked incredulously.
“Yeah. I think it’s sort of good for them, you know? It’s gets their aggressions out.” Dawn said thoughtfully.
Buffy shook her head and laughed.
“Well, okay. As long as it’s just a game. I’ll be home soon. We’re just finishing up dinner.” She told Dawn.
“See ya.” Dawn said as she hung up and went back into the living room where Spike and Xander were still playing. She saw that they both had smiles on their faces and were actually getting along amidst the death threats.
She smiled. They so like each other. They just won’t admit it. She said to herself as she sat down to watch the pretend carnage.
Buffy walked back to her table where everyone was finishing their dinner.
“Everything okay at home?” Willow asked.
“Oh yeah. Xander and Spike are there.” Buffy said with a smile.
“Together? In the same room?” Willow asked surprised.
“Yeah. They’re trying to kill each other.” Buffy said with a smile.
“What? Xander is okay right? He can’t get hurt now. He might look bad for the wedding pictures.” Anya asked concerned.
“They were playing video games of all things. I could hear them screaming at each other in the background. But they seemed to be having fun, which is weird.” Buffy said shaking her head, pleased but perplexed.
“Video games? Well, that’s good. Maybe they’re finally getting used to each other?” Willow said hopefully.
“Maybe…” Buffy said with a smile. That was what she wanted most. For everyone to get along. It had been kind of rough the last few months with Xander. He had agreed to support Buffy, but he had been very vocal about his dislike of the situation and of Spike. She hoped that this was a step in the right direction.
Dawn sat back on the couch watching the boys play their game. They hadn’t even noticed her when she had come back into the room.
“So, Xander, you still don’t have best man for your wedding?” Dawn asked curiously.
“You don’t have a best man? That’s pretty sad, mate. What, no friends?” Spike said with a smirk.
“Shut up, Spike. I have lots of friends. Just that most of them are girls, and Anya is already monopolizing them to use for bridesmaids.” Xander said uncomfortably. He had been stressing out over this for months, and had gotten depressed when he realized that he was always surrounded by girls. He missed having a guy to hang out with.
“I have a great idea! Why doesn’t Spike do it?” Dawn said mischievously. She wanted to see if she could talk them into it.
They both looked at her and started laughing.
“That’s priceless.” Xander laughed. “Right, like I’d have him as my best man. He’s not even a man, Dawnie, he’s a vampire. And I’m pretty sure he’s not the best of anything.”
Spike stopped laughing and looked at Xander with a hurt expression.
“Hey.” He said wounded.
“Well, it’s true. You couldn’t be the best man, you’d have to be the ‘sometimes decent vampire’.” Xander explained.
Spike smiled slightly.
“Sometimes decent, huh? I’m flattered.” He said mocking him, but kind of surprised to hear a semi kind word. It was better than he expected him to say.
Xander shrugged. He had to admit that Spike hadn’t done anything lately that Xander found obnoxious, other than constantly being around. For Buffy’s sake he was trying to be civil.
“Well, don’t worry. It’s not as if you’d catch me dead in a monkey suit anyway.” Spike said cockily.
“Yeah, well you’re already dead, pal. And besides, like I was actually entertaining the idea of asking you.” Xander said sarcastically.
“You guys are so annoying.” Dawn said rolling her eyes at them. “Xander, you are getting married in a few months. Anya said she was going to kill you if you didn’t pick someone soon. And Spike, you know you’d do it, especially if Buffy asked you to.” She explained to them.
“I don’t do everything Buffy asks me to do.” Spike said defending himself.
“Yes you do. You’re like her obedient fangy puppy.” Xander said with a laugh.
“Oh yeah? And you’re such the independent man. Anya snaps her fingers and you come running. I have two words for you, mate. Pussy. Whipped.” Spike said with a smirk.
“Oh, I’m whipped? Who decided to turn his back on his very existence just to impress Buffy, huh? ‘Look Buffy! I’m one of the good guys now! I’ll give up evil just for you’.” He said mocking the vampire.
Spike got angry and rose to his feet.
“That’s it. I don’t care if my head explodes, you and me, right now!” He said looking for a fight.
“Oh I am so looking forward to this, Spike. Give it your best shot!” Xander said rising to face him.
Dawn stood up and moved between them.
“Stop it! You guys are so immature.” She said rolling her eyes. “You’re both big softies when it comes to love. Just admit it and move on. Geez! You two are so alike it’s funny.”
They both looked at her and shook their heads.
“We are so not alike. For one, I’m still breathing.” Xander said staring at Spike.
“Yeah, and I have much better fashion sense. Look at that shirt, mate. What were you thinking?” Spike said sarcastically pointing at Xander’s colorful Hawaiian shirt.
“You are too alike. It’s so obvious. You both are like little puppy dogs around the girls you love. You both use humor to hide your real feelings. The list goes on. Everyone knows it. Face it, you guys are like twins or something.” She said rolling her eyes. She was pushing it, but they were an awful lot alike.
“Twins? Are you mad?” Spike scoffed.
“Yeah, maybe if I had an evil dead twin.” Xander said irritated.
They stared at each other bitterly. Both of them unnerved by her ridiculous notion. Dawn looked at them staring each other down and rolled her eyes. They were hopeless. She threw her hands in the air.
“You know what? On second thought, maybe you guys should just kill each other. At least we all wouldn’t have to listen to you bicker.” Dawn said marching upstairs.
They watched her go and looked back at each other uncomfortably.
“Oh god. We are alike…” Xander said horrified, as Dawn’s words sunk in.
“It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” Spike said shaking his head.
Xander looked at him and sighed.
“So you wanna be my best man?” He said barely above a whisper.
“If you have your heart set on it.” Spike said with a smirk.
“Don’t push it.” Xander said and they smiled uncomfortably.
Neither one wanted to admit that they had called a truce. Or that they did sort of like each other. That was something that neither of them would ever admit to anyone. Dawn listened from the top of the stairs and smiled to herself. She knew they’d cave eventually.
It was the day of the wedding and everyone was getting ready. Anya was running around like a crazy person trying to get everything perfect as the girls all stood around in the bridal room.
“Willow, your hair is all wrong. It’s too poofy. Here, fix it.” She said briskly handing her a comb.
Willow rolled her eyes and shifted uncomfortably in the pink dress.
“Buffy, you’re supposed to be paying attention to things like this. You’re my maid of honor. Do something.” She said frantically.
Buffy sighed and silently wished she had never agreed to this in the first place. Anya was demanding enough normally, but as a bride, she was a terror.
On the other side of the chapel in the grooms chambers, the men were trying to get ready. Giles and Spike were in one room, why the rest of the ushers were hanging out at a makeshift bar in another room. Spike was not dressed yet and was complaining that he didn’t want to put the tuxedo on. Xander was in the bathroom and suddenly Spike and Giles heard the sounds of him throwing up.
“Oh, that’s just bloody wonderful.” Spike said rolling his eyes. “The groom is tossing his cookies.”
“I’m sure its just nerves, Spike. Think of how you would feel if you were pledging eternity to Anya.” Giles said with a devious smirk.
Spike had to laugh at that one.
“Good point.” He said to him.
“Spike, you must put the tuxedo on now. I don’t think Anya would be pleased you going out there like that.” He said trying to convince the vampire to get dressed.
“But it makes me look ridiculous. Like some sort of dead penguin. It’s just not my style.” He protested.
“Well, dead penguin or not, you have no choice. I still can’t believe Xander asked you to do this.” Giles said shaking his head.
Just then, there was a knock at the door and Buffy peeked her head in.
“Is everyone decent?” She asked.
“Well, Spike’s not decent, but there’s not much to be done about that.” Giles said sarcastically.
Spike gave him a dirty look and went over to Buffy. He eyed her pink, fluffy dress.
“Oh my…That’s certainly an interesting look for you.” He teased her.
“Shut up.” She said with a pout.
“Maybe you could go slaying later in that. It’d be funny to see the vamps keel over from laughter. You wouldn’t even have to stake them.” Spike said sarcastically.
“Okay, keep laughing Spike. Where’s your outfit?” She asked pointedly.
“He won’t put it on.” Giles chimed in.
Buffy went over and took the tuxedo off the rack. She grabbed Spike’s hand and pulled him into a changing room.
“I’m not putting it on.” He said crossing his arms.
“Oh yeah? If you don’t, I’m gonna have to listen to Anya complain for next twenty years about how her wedding was ruined because you wouldn’t wear the tux. And it’ll be all my fault, because you’re my boyfriend and I’m the maid of honor and it’s my job to do everything.” Buffy said exasperated.
Spike listened to her tirade and smiled.
“She’s driving you insane, isn’t she?” He asked.
“Completely.” She said removing his jacket and tossing it to the ground. She reached out and pulled his t-shirt over his head.
“Ooh, I like it when you do this.” He said to her seductively, pulling her closer. “Maybe we could just stay in here and no one would miss us.”
“Fat chance.” She said resisting his charms. “Put this on.” She handed him the starched shirt.
He held the shirt and took off his pants. He pulled the shirt on reluctantly and watched as she fussed with the buttons and the bow tie. He leaned in and tried to kiss her. She moved her head out of the way.
“What’s wrong?” He asked her.
“Nothing. But if you kiss me now, it will become painfully obvious that you are standing here without your pants on. Get dressed first and then smoochies.” She teased him.
He sighed and pulled the stiff, black slacks on. She stood back and scrutinized him. A smile crept over her face.
“I look ridiculous, don’t I?” He said shaking his head, waiting for her laughter.
She shook her head.
“You look…” She started.
“Like a dead penguin.” He said interrupting her.
“No. Gorgeous. You look gorgeous.” She said with a satisfied smile. Dawn had said he would look cute and she was right. It was strange to see him that way, but it was nice. It was easy to forget what he was, at least until she turned and glanced into the mirror expecting to see his reflection which wasn’t there. “I wish you could see yourself.”
“I’m kind of glad I can’t.” He said.
He still couldn’t believe what had become of him. It wasn’t all that long ago he was prancing around trying to kill these people, and now here he was dressing up for Xander’s wedding. It was unbelievable. The fact that Buffy and he were together at all was unbelievable. He looked at her now and smiled. She looked truly beautiful, despite the silly dress that didn’t suit her.
For just a fleeting moment, he wished that it was the two of them who were getting married. He shook the thought out of his head quickly. A vampire marrying a Slayer? Yeah, that was gonna happen. He thought to himself. A vampire getting married at all was a ridiculous notion, but somehow Buffy made him forget that.
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her passionately. She threw her arms around his neck and pushed him against the changing room wall. He ran his hands up her back and near her hair. She muttered to him between kisses.
“Don’t mess up my hair. Anya will go ballistic.” She said to him.
He quickly removed his hands from their near dangerous area and put them lower. Much lower, in fact. He squeezed her butt and pulled her to him.
He whispered to her hungrily.
“She won’t mind if I touch you there, will she? Or does she lay claim to your ass as well?” He teased her.
She started laughing and removed his hands from her nether regions.
“Stop it. You’re gonna wrinkle my taffeta.”
Just then, there was a loud knock on the door.
“Please tell me you guys are not having sex in there.” Xander said desperately. “I’ve already lost my lunch once today.”
Buffy straightened her dress and handed Spike his jacket. She opened the door quickly.
“Xander.” She said embarrassed. “You look…nauseous. That’s not because of us, is it?” She asked sheepishly.
“No, that’s because I’m about to walk down the aisle and pledge the rest of my life to a 1000 year old ex-demon.”
“Cold feet, eh?” Spike asked.
“My feet are numb.” Xander said nervously.
“That’s understandable. I hear every guy gets a little nervous before something like this. Just relax and try to think of the honeymoon.” Spike said trying to be reassuring.
“I’m trying, but a honeymoon involves an actual wedding beforehand, and that’s when I start to feel nauseous.” He said, beginning to sweat.
“Xander, come on. You love Anya. You should see how excited she is, and how beautiful she looks. Once you see her, you’ll forget all about this.” Buffy said touching his arm gently. She could see the utter fear on her friends face.
“I bet she does look beautiful, doesn’t she?” Xander said, trying to focus on that image.
“Come on mate. I think you need to gargle or something beforehand. You can’t kiss your bride with barf breath.” Spike said taking his arm and leading him to the bathroom.
Buffy sighed and walked out to the main room. Giles stood there pacing around like a nervous father.
“Excited?” She asked him.
“More like I just want to get on with it. I’m afraid I’ll trip or something.” Giles said anxiously.
“You’ll do fine.” She smiled.
“I still can’t believe she asked me to give her away.” He said shaking his head.
“Well, you are sort of like a father figure.” She said touching his arm. “To me anyway.”
“Oh Buffy. Thank you.” He said sincerely.
“Remember when I asked you to give me away when I was going to marry Spike?” She asked with a smile.
“Unfortunately yes.” He joked with her. “I was very touched despite the circumstances.”
“Well, I’d still ask you to do it.” She said smiling at him. “And hey, look who I’m dating? Maybe you’ll get your chance.” She teased.
He laughed and she gave him a hug.
“I better get back to Anya. She’s probably yelling at everyone by now. It’s almost showtime.”
Buffy walked back out and down the hall. She heard the frantic tirade of Anya through the door. She took a deep breath and walked inside.
“There you are! I thought you had run off. I was about to get very upset.” She scolded Buffy.
Willow mumbled under her breath.
“About to? You’ve been bitching the whole time.”
“I heard that Willow.” She snapped back.
Buffy walked over to Anya and forced a smile.
“You look beautiful.” She said sincerely.
Anya’s irritation melted away.
“Oh thank you.” She said throwing her arms around Buffy and beginning to get teary.
“Don’t cry Anya. You’ll ruin your makeup.” Buffy said, reaching over for a tissue.
“You’re right. I’m just so overwhelmed.” She sighed.
“I know. It’s almost time though.” She told her.
“How was Xander? He looked good right?” Anya asked.
“He looked very handsome.” Buffy said honestly. He did look good, aside from the look of panic and nausea on his face. Buffy wouldn’t mention that.
The wedding director came in and announced that it was time to begin. Everyone filed into their places. Giles appeared at the door to take Anya’s arm. Everyone took a deep breath and shuffled out.
The wedding went off perfectly. Xander and Anya were a perfect couple. Xander managed to keep his stomach contents on the inside. He hadn’t a trace of the nerves that had plagued him only moments before.
The reception was now in full swing. Xander and Anya were dancing in the middle of the room and everyone looked on. Tara and Willow held hands and smiled. Buffy stood beside them with Spike behind her. He had wrapped his arms around her and was holding her tightly.
Soon everyone began to dance. Spike took Buffy and pulled her into his arms.
“I’ve been dying to dance with you.” He whispered to her.
“I thought we’ve always been dancing.” She teased him, bringing his own words back to haunt him.
“Yeah, well not like this.” He said kissing her neck softly.
Everyone was having a great time and couldn’t believe that it was almost over. Buffy gathered everyone around and announced that it was time for the bouquet and garter toss.
“All the single men first.” She announced.
A large group of men moved forward as Xander removed Anya’s garter to the sound of hoot’s and holler’s. Spike stood back away from the festivities. Buffy motioned him forward trying to get him involved. He rolled his eyes and stepped forward with the other men.
Xander tossed the garter into the air and Spike saw it coming his direction. There were other men in front of him, so he stepped back to let them have at it. This was a stupid tradition anyway. As if he wanted to catch it.
Just as he was stepping back, the men in front of him jumped out of the way as a joke. They didn’t want to be next and thought it would be funny to leap out of the path of the flying garter. Spike watched as it landed in his hand. He didn’t even remember reaching out, but there it was sitting in his hand.
People cheered and patted him on the back. He stared at the frilly piece of fabric and gulped. It’s just a stupid tradition. It doesn’t mean anything. He said to himself.
The next thing he heard was Buffy’s voice telling the women to line up. He stepped out of the way and sat down in a chair still staring at the garter.
He watched as the women all fought for a front row seat. Dawn moved in next to Buffy.
“Hey. You don’t need to be catching any bouquets.” Buffy’s told her jokingly.
“Did you see who caught the garter?” Dawn asked innocently.
“Yes, I did.” Buffy said with a smirk. “He looked like he was gonna be sick.” She laughed.
Anya stood at the top of a staircase and flipped the bouquet down to the waiting ladies. Girls frantically scrambled for the flying flowers. Buffy silently knew she wanted to catch it, even though she knew it wouldn’t mean anything. She tried to play it cool, but when she saw it hurtling towards her, she jumped up and snatched it out of the air and clutched it to her.
She heard everyone laughing and congratulating her. She looked over at Spike who sat there with a nervous look on his face. She walked over to him and sat down.
“Lucky us, huh?” She said softly. She could see he was wigged out.
“Uh-huh.” He said absently.
“It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just for fun Spike.” She said trying to calm his fears.
He looked at her and smiled.
“I know that, Buffy. It’s just…Well, I wish it did mean something.” He said to her seriously.
“You do?” She asked completely stunned.
“I know you want this.” He said motioning around at their surroundings. “You want a special day like this, with all your friends…If you weren’t with me…” He started sadly. He used to be afraid he’d never get the chance to have her. Now that he had her, he was more terrified of not being able to hold onto her.
He had nothing to offer her, except his love. But what was a vampire’s love really worth? Not much, he figured. He wasn’t stupid enough, or selfless enough to run out on her like Angel had, just because they were wrong for each other. But he always feared she’d tire of him and move on to something normal.
He knew that this elusive prophecy had stated they were meant to be together, but things like that weren’t always accurate. And what if Buffy changed her mind? It wouldn’t be the first time she had thwarted a prophecy, he knew.
Buffy took his hand and held it.
“Spike…I don’t need a fancy party to know how I feel.” She said sincerely. “You and me…we don’t need all this. We have it all right here.” She said placing his hand over her heart.
He leaned forward and kissed her gently. He pulled her onto his lap and they began kissing more passionately. Dawn walked up and interrupted them.
“Get a room.” She said jokingly. They looked up at her and smiled. “They’re getting ready to leave.”
Dawn left them to themselves and they smiled at each other.
“Guess we should say goodbye, huh?” Buffy said removing herself from his lap.
Spike took her hand and pulled her close again.
“Did I tell you how beautiful you looked tonight?” He asked her, still feeling the power of her words to him earlier. He couldn’t believe she loved him that much, it just wasn’t right. It was too good.
She smiled at him and kissed him quickly.
“Come on. You can tell me later when we’re at my house.” She said, taking his hand and pulling him along with her. “I can’t wait to get out of this awful dress.”
“I can’t wait to get you out of it either.” He smirked.
Buffy and Spike got up and went outside to watch the newlyweds leave. It was evening by now, so Spike was able to join them. Everyone waved and cheered as the two lovebirds hopped into their waiting limo.
Buffy put her arms around Spike and held him tight. She really did love him. She knew she would be missing out on certain things being with him. She knew they were totally wrong for each other, but she just didn’t want to stop it.
Spike turned to her and kissed her gently. He looked into her eyes. She looked deep in thought.
“Are you alright?” He asked her curiously.
“I’m fine. Just thinking about how happy they were.” She said softly.
He turned and watched as the car drove away. Everyone started to go back inside to collect their things and get ready to leave.
“You want to go back in? I think it’s our cue to get gone.” He said with a smile.
She looked at him and smiled.
“You go on back in and get our stuff. I’ll wait here.” She said softly.
He looked at her curiously. She was acting a little strange and he didn’t know why. But he figured it best to just leave her be and get their stuff so they could go home. He walked back inside hesitantly leaving her standing outside.
Buffy had just wanted a few minutes alone. She wanted to think about everything. She was so happy for Xander and Anya. They had managed to find something special. She was glad that her friends were happy. And maybe she wouldn’t ever have the same kind of things they would have, but she still had something. It wasn’t normal. But that was okay. It was something outrageous and crazy but wonderful. That was all she needed.